How to have mutually satisfying sex?

[JustCurious]

I've known this guy for a few years now and recently became involved with him on a casual basis.

 

He is VERY accommodating sexually and ALWAYS puts all his focus on me and gives 100% in his aim towards pleasing me.

 

He always asks if I’ve had an orgasm and what he can do to give me more. Even after I have one, he’ll want me to have more and we’ll start up again and go at it for another hour or so.

 

Aside from that, I’ve tried to switch things up a bit because each time we’ve been intimate it’s always in his bed and it’s either missionary or me on top. He loves looking at me and says it turns him on and that I am so beautiful and he loves to please me. He will only have an orgasm that way while masturbating and has said that condoms make it difficult for him to orgasm. I understand for some guys it’s like wearing aluminum foil and he asked twice if I’d ever consider going on birth control but I said no and he understands.

 

I guess I’m mildly frustrated because I like to be the dominate one from time to time and switch things up a bit and it’s almost as if he won’t let me. I’ve asked him a few times what he likes, what turns him on etc., but the focus always goes back to me.

 

I know he’s dying to orgasm inside of me and as much as I want him too it's a definite no no.

 

So, any ideas on what else I can do to switch things up a bit?

[Locke2121]

So dominate! Flip his butt over on his back, hold his arms over his head, put your face in his and with a devious grin, tell him if he so much as tries to take over, you're taking a trophy home.

[mis12ty]

why won't you consider birth control? if it's a religious or ethical thing then of course it's understandable but it's not just the man who benefits from not having a condom - the sensation is so much more intimate but maybe that's just me!

i agree with locke who says just dominate away. if the attention is turning back to you all the time then you're not being dominating enough!? he'll love it - a woman taking action and maybe getting a little angry!!?? you'll love having the power!! actions speak louder than words but perhaps if you expressed to him verbally what you want to do and how you feel about the matter he'll think about letting you take control for once!

may i just add. sometimes uv just got to lie back and enjoy the attention he's showing you...you lucky thing, sounds like you've bagged urself a good en!

[Batya33]

Please please do not have casual sex without a condom! I disagree with the previous poster.

 

It sounds like a communication problem and sounds like that is because you two are sex buddies but not otherwise friends or confidantes. It might be that he doesn't feel comfortable being any more sexually open since you two are just sex buddies. Ask him.

 

Also, if being the dominant one is that important to you I would find another sex buddy who feels the same - since the focus is on mutually satisfying sex, why waste your time with someone who doesn't have a style compatible to yours? It's not as if there's a goal here of getting closer as people so a lot of time spent on "communication" beyond "I want to do it this way or I am not satisfied" sounds like somewhat of a waste of time.

[mis12ty]

sorry i misread it and thought u said you'd been in a relationship not just known each other for a couple of yrs! i missed the bit where you said it was 'casual' - of course wear a condom!

[Batya33]

sorry i misread it and thought u said you'd been in a relationship not just known each other for a couple of yrs! i missed the bit where you said it was 'casual' - of course wear a condom!

 

I figured you missed that!

[anggrace]

You lucky girl. I think your gonna have to get aggressive on his @** since he just won't listen. Mabey he'll like it, mabey he won't. Just give it a shot and see how it goes. Don't ask or discuss it, just take matters into your own hands and do it how YOU want to do it. Mabey you should tie his hands to the bed post so he doesn't try to reverse the roles. He can still satisfy you with you in controll, which he obviously loves to do. Use your imagination.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's a good idea to restrain someone if they're not into that/uncomfortable with it. That's called "assault."

[anggrace]

By saying "give it a shot and see how it goes", I meant feel it out. If he's not into it, she shoud obviously stop. That goes without saying in my world.

[Cardinal]

Keep the condom.

 

For the orgasm thing, just blow him until he comes. That act right there can give you a lot more control than you realize. If he literally can't stand not to be pleasuring you, get in a position where he can do something to make you feel good too. Or even get in 69.

 

For intercourse dominance, I actually would see if he is cool with something like bondage or a game that leaves you in complete control. Get it accross to him that you know he is a giver. Explain to him how you wll get pleasure from the dominance and he will almost certainly go for it.

 

This issue maybe be a dominant/submissive thing. But it is also a giver/receiver thing too. I'd focus on being the giver. Might be easier to make headway that way with him.

[JustCurious]

Thanks to everyone’s responses.

 

Batya33, given the context of it perhaps your right and that he's not comfortable opening up sexually in that retrospect. Even still, I can't help that I enjoy him sexually, as bad as that may sound. I am currently single and I am comfortable with him, especially since it took quite a while for us to even get to this point. I'm not going to sleep with someone I barely know so for now, it works.

 

Cardinal, I've tried the things you suggested. Verbally and attempted to tie his hands back, even covered his mouth with my hands so he couldn’t talk but he started laughing. It then became more of a joke and he'd purposely resist to bug me cause I couldn’t get him to shut the hell up and stand still

 

Is anyone else like this or is it just me? I know usually one person is the aggressor and the other not so much but sometimes I just WANT to be the aggressor and have full control of the reigns.

[Batya33]

It doesn't sound bad that you enjoy him sexually but of course you can help it - you can choose not to have sex with him for any reason or no reason at all - I am not judging that you choose to have sex just disagreeing that you can't "help it."

 

For some people (including me) it wouldn't matter how long I knew the person - if we weren't in a committed relationship I wouldn't be comfortable having sex and I wouldn't be comfortable opening up.

 

Basically, tell him what you want - preferably out of bed - and see how he responds.

 

Good luck.

[JustCurious]

Maybe I should have phrased it differently.

 

I like sex and enjoy having sex with him and that's why I CHOOSE to have sex with him.

 

If circumstances were different I would be in an exclusive relationship with someone doing these things but unfortunately I have not met that person yet and my whole life has been one exclusive relationship to the next so for once I've enjoyed being single. I am a grown woman and it's a choice that I've made on my own.

 

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to respond and I will think about it.

[Batya33]

Obviously you're entitled to choose casual sex and to choose it because you would rather have sex casually than no sex.

Good luck.

[Tethys]

You should talk to him about what you want outside of the bedroom. Talking about it during the act has the potential to end up badly -- someone will laugh, or get uncomfortable, or worse, get offended. You should talk about what you want BEFORE the act. If he's truly intent on pleasing you, he will listen to what you say your needs are.

 

Also, as an aside, I think that's pretty crap of him to ask you to go on birth control when you're not even in a committed relationship. I mean, yes, I'm all for casual sex, but wow -- I'd be pretty mad at a sex buddy if he asked me to do that just because he doesn't like condoms!!

 

Enjoy your freedom, but keep the condoms and let him know why in no uncertain terms!

[JustCurious]

Thanks Tethys.

 

Initially I was offended when he first suggested it but he wanted to know if I was seeing anyone else and he hinted that he wasn’t and said he assumed we'd only be sleeping with each other from now on.

 

Either way, I would never consent to it outside of a committed/monogamous relationship so that's that.

 

Batya, I can choose NOT to have sex. I chose not to for 2 years after my last relationship of 6 years ended.

 

Sex should not be viewed as a "condition". Sex is a primal, physical act shared between two people. Yes, it is much more meaningful when it's with someone you love and who loves you in return but it shouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip. If you can't enjoy sex without love then your confusing the two.

[Batya33]

For me personally I have no desire not to have sex outside of a loving, committed relationship. I do not believe in using sex as a bargaining chip and I do not, for myself, separate sex from love in the sense that I have no desire to have the former without the latter. Sex is a primal, physical act shared between two people, yes, but for me personally I would not share it outside a loving, committed relationship. I do not judge two adults consenting to have casual sex even though it wouldn't be right for me for several reasons including emotion, health and desire. I thought from what you posted that your relationship might be sexually monogamous but it doesn't seem to be a relationship based on love and commitment otherwise. Sorry if I misinterpreted.

 

I completely disagree that because I cannot enjoy sex without love I am "confusing the two." I know how I would feel having sex without love - I would feel empty and gross, perhaps not during (but probably) but certainly right after. I am aware that not everyone would feel that way and good for them. It sounds like you are the confused one if you believe that people who cannot enjoy sex without love are "confusing the two."

 

I am not sure why you are continuing to post about what I wrote about your choice. We both agree that you are choosing to have sex and that you can control whether or not to have sex. Not sure why you shared that you chose not to have sex for many years. Thanks for sharing but not sure what the point was.

[JustCurious]

Because your response of "but of course you can help it - you can choose not to have sex with him for any reason or no reason at all - I am not judging that you choose to have sex just disagreeing that you can't help it. For some people (including me) it wouldn't matter how long I knew the person - if we weren't in a committed relationship I wouldn't be comfortable having sex and I wouldn't be comfortable opening up".

 

My initial question was specific, I did not ask for people's views on casual sex nor did I ask for people's opinions of someone who chooses or chooses not to engage in casual sex.

 

I simply asked a specific question but the discussion turned into something else.

[Batya33]

Oh - but your question to me has everything to do with the state of the relationship especially since it has to do with how to communicate about your sexual preferences. In my experience the relationship has a definite effect on communication about sex life - whether it is committed, casual, adultery, somewhere in between. To me, much of sex happens in the brain and then also the emotions/psychological makeup, etc so whether the two people are just friends, married, dating, whatever, factors into comfort in the bedroom. You injected opinions about casual sex into it - not me- I simply said I had no opinions on whether it was ok. Rather, I simply gave my opinion that the status of your arrangement might effect the problem you posed. I also commented on your opinion that you "couldn't help" whether to have sex with him.

 

I gave my opnion above about how to handle your specific situation - it hasn't changed. Good luck.