Why does this keep happening to me? (sorry for the long post)

[GCG1970]

We thought we were in love.We had the most amazing chemistry when we first met.We weathered every domestic storm and every crisis.I thought nothing in the world would ever break us apart..After four years of dating to ensure that she was "the one"..I knew it was time to marry her...And it was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives...

 

But marriage changed everything....

 

After nine years of marriage and together for thirteen,My wife told me a month ago that she "want's her divorce" because "fell out of love" with me and gave no reasons for why she fell out of love..It has been the most painful thing to experience and it does make me feel rejected and broken..We had our share of problems.We separated twice since getting married in 1998..First time was in 2000,when she left me for only a week and she quickly realized it was a mistake.Then again 3 years ago for 3 months.I was devastated then...During that seperation,she filed for divorce,left with our 3 yo daughter to visit someone she met online who paid for airfare...came back a week later looking disheveled and guilty with 'hickeys' on her neck...Obviously cheated...Soon after,she found someone else new online and pursuaded the person to travel 900 miles to move in with her...I gave up hope at that point and met someone online too who was going through what I was going through and was planning a trip to see her in an effort to seek comfort and healing..Once I told the wife that I was leaving soon to meet someone and after 2 weeks of NC. She must have realized that she didn't want to lose me cause she called my two phones in a panic about an "emergency" and she wanted to talk about something important..I met her a few blocks from the house and that's when she started crying in my chest saying that she didn't want to lose me and throw away 10 years..She denied cheating and said that the signs were all setups cause “she wanted me back”,then sent the other person packing back to wherever he came from. During that seperation, I admitted that I had problems with anger/anxiety and alcohol abuse issues,which led to that breakup…But after reconciliating, I found a new job I loved, got help for my mental health issues and over the course of the next 3 years, I felt that our love for one another was reborn. Six months later, on a family trip, in the car she held my hand and said,

 

“I love you and I’m not letting anything get between us ever again”.

 

I responded “You promise?” and she said:

 

“Yeah, I do..you have nothing to worry about ever anymore!”

 

I believed and trusted her…

 

From that moment on things were getting better by the day. I was being more romantic with her and she was happy for every gesture. We promised to communicate entirely when we were feeling out of sorts..But in late 2006,things began to get dicey. I had lost a job and work was tough to find in our area that winter. We were struggling financially,we’ve been down the road before and we always made a commitment to get through it together as a family and a team. But the meds I was on were making me feel a bit apathetic to the whole situation. Things weren’t moving forward as much as I would of liked them to go. I found a job training program but had to drop out due to my vehicle breaking down. But I knew that no matter what, I loved her and my daughter and was praying for strength each and every day. We didn’t argue very often during this time, in fact we laughed about things that we felt we had no control over…Again,teamwork and belief that things would turn around. But our love life was slowing down a bit. She said it was due to female issues from having diabetes hmmm ,however, each and every day she told me that she loved me and I asked her in return “yeah..a lot” and she said “Of course I do,why do you say that?”..

 

That went on up until late September. When out of the blue and without warning. She asked me to set up a MySpace profile because she was looking to meet new friends. She never had many friends in our area and I thought it would be something that may help get her mind off of the life problems…

 

Little did I know that it was meant to be an escape…from me…A slow and painful descent of days and nights addicted to finding other men who would listen to her…But I was there to listen and comfort as well?

 

It finally came to a head on October 19th, when after pleading with her to come to bed, from not sleeping with me for a week. I said “You know,this is not a marriage anymore when you spend all day and night on that thing” and after getting into it for about 20 min..She comes into the other room and drops the bomb on me.

 

“I want my divorce”

 

I asked “Why?“

 

and I get the proverbial “I fell out of love with you!” as a reason..

 

Then continued; “It has nothing to do with you..maybe it’s me…I just can’t feel it anymore…I tried for the longest time”

 

But she couldn’t even make eye contact while uttering these words..She looked straight down at the floor..

 

Was it because she didn’t want to see the pain in my eyes? Was it confusion? Only she will know the answers to that…That was a month ago..And each day has been bringing more pain and grief..

 

Since then she has been in this state of anger and rage.Like a roller coaster.The first few weeks were a series of nasty voice mails left on my cell phone.All things ranging from accusing me of doing things to her that I wasn't to her to or that I was spying on her online.The first few nights,she would call my cell at all hours of the night. 3AM or what not. Just to get a hunch if i'm out with someone. When the fact was I was in a dark room crying for the most part..

 

It got so bad that she became a person I didn't even recognize anymore..Saying one thing one minute and the opposite the next day..Up and down like a see-saw..Unpredictable anger spweing venom.But soon after it seemed like she was sending me a message for me to decode..On Halloween early in the morning,she left a voice mail and it was a recording of her talking on her home line to a friend. All I heard that was distinct was this:

 

"If i'm gonna live like that I might as well live by myself..you know..I mean..I told him before he left...If you're gonna cheat on me...you know...just do it quietly...don't kill me..(laughs)..send your daughter some money...I don't wanna know who your with..."

 

So this is the message? This is the underlying reason for breaking up with me? Because she thought that I CHEATED!! Well,who is the one who spent five weeks on MySpace accumulating 90 male friends?? Who was the one who ran off with our daughter 3 years ago and came home with hickeys on her neck and was found curled up in a fetal position on our sofa?? Throughout our thirteen year relationship..I have never ever been with another woman and I will gladly take a polygraph to prove it...Anytime day or night...

 

I'll post more as needed but I would appreciate any input...

[jettison]

First instinct...

 

She feels that you love her more then she loves you, and the guilt destroys her. In fact, she's feel better if you HAD actually cheated on her. She'd feel better if you've proved that weak because then she wouldn't have to feel so guilty for not living up to the standard.

 

She knows she made huge mistakes, and she feels immense guilt for them. She'd like to know that you're that human too, that you're capable of making that mistake, and that you'd then come clean about it. Then, she could either see you on equal ground or else leave for good because she'd finally be given the legitimate excuse she's been looking for.

 

Even after my ex and I broke up, I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I had a new GF. I told myself that I didn't want to hurt her. Still, I hid my feelings, my life, my self. It was incredibly liberating to realize that I wasn't responsible for her feelings anymore. I was responsible for myself now, and that meant doing things that would make me happy even if that meant it might make her miserable.

 

You touched on that a bit in your post, and you see how she reacted. That's honesty for her... you wanting to be with someone else. That's something she understands because that's how she feels sometimes.

[Ampire]

I have nothing to say to your situation as it is far beyong anything I have experienced, but one thing I can say tho is that love is a risk and placing your heart in the palm of someones hand gives them the ability to crush it.

 

reading your situation makes me wonder if all these people on here including myself are really doing themselves a disservice trying to get their ex back.

 

Maybe a break up happens for a good reason and should remain a breakup no matter how painful it may be.

 

it is rare to hear of couples getting back together after a break up - and it is just as rare to hear them staying together the second time around.

 

but who knows - what is meant to be, will be.

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened, keep your head up, its always tougher with children involved.

[Bryanh30]

I understand the daughter situation, but 13 years? She needs help and being so close you can't possibly give it to her. Maybe it's time to move on and find someone who can truly love you back the way you deserve?

[GCG1970]

Thanks for the comments...Yeah who knows what she is thinking...She keeps firmly maintaining that she doesn't love me anymore and is going through with it this time...During the first month 3 years ago she maintained that as well...but she tried to hang on to me by calling me over once every few weeks for sex...After we reconciled,she admitted to doing that so "we didn't stray from each other"...

 

This time it's a different story...From the get go,she made it clear that sex on the side wasn't going to happen this time or ever again...So it seems like she is either convinced that I slept with another woman or she's got her own skeleton in the closet and is dying with guilt?? Who knows...she can't be straight with me on anything so I stopped asking while she's in this anger fog...

[scotty77]

Thanks for the comments...Yeah who knows what she is thinking...She keeps firmly maintaining that she doesn't love me anymore and is going through with it this time...During the first month 3 years ago she maintained that as well...but she tried to hang on to me by calling me over once every few weeks for sex...After we reconciled,she admitted to doing that so "we didn't stray from each other"...

 

This time it's a different story...From the get go,she made it clear that sex on the side wasn't going to happen this time or ever again...So it seems like she is either convinced that I slept with another woman or she's got her own skeleton in the closet and is dying with guilt?? Who knows...she can't be straight with me on anything so I stopped asking while she's in this anger fog...

Personally I have never experienced what you are going through but it would be hard for me to be with someone who is declaring that they didn't love me anymore despite whatever history we had between us.

[GCG1970]

Thanks for the comments...I've noticed that a lot of the responders have thought this was a strange situation...I myself can't understand it..I'm walking in a fog of confusion...But I do agree with the fact that she needs help and I can't give it to her...As a matter of fact,she stated that she has to work on her "issues"..But deep down she doesn't believe anything is wrong with her...She is totally justified in her actions...It's a simple as she says it is.."I fell out of love" and refuses to give reasons why she fell out of love...But I guess she cares about me enough to refuse to discuss anything that pertains to her new "personal life".I had asked her if she is seeing anyone or intends to and I get the same response.."I refuse to talk about that part of my life with you anymore!"..

 

Our seperation is a little over a month now and for the past four weeks,for somebody who claims not to love me anymore,she has been the one contacting me this whole time...Calls every 2 to 3 days just to ask if i'll come over to visit my daughter...But also makes these calls in the middle of the night...If I don't answer my cell,she will dial landline 30 sec later...It's almost as if she is in agony wondering if i'm with another woman if she doesn't hear from me for a few days...I don't know if other men had this experience during this period?

 

Sometimes a person wonders what could have been done different if they had the opportunity to do so? What could have prevented this? Why did she keep this bottled up for lord knows how long before she orchestrated all of this?

 

Just another sad example of failed communication that resulted in a failed relationship...And it didn't have to end this way...

[xtremelysad]

Hi,

 

If you are keen to work things out for the sake of your daughter and love for her? What about trying marriage counseling? Sometimes it takes a third party to mediate matters and find out the deep rooted issues, From the way i read the mail, she seems discontented with the relationship to seek new friends to relieve her boredom in my space. There must be something about the relationship that has not been fulfilled.