Why would my X trade me in for her?

[liz22]

I need some more advice if you don't mind. So my x who I've been broken up with for about 3 weeks after being together 3 1/2 years and engaged seems to have a new lady. I saw his my space today (he just set it to not private anymore) and it appears he is seeing a woman who is not that great, who has a child and is uneducated. I really don't mean to sound stuck up, so please don't take it that way, but I am educated, without kids and I have the least amount of baggage of anyone you could every meet. So I just don't get it. Why would he trade me in for that. He technically broke up with me 4 weeks ago (break and space), but I then found out that he cheated on me a week later and I officially dumped him. Also, until now he has always said that he didn't want kids and he was never really good with kids. Now he's with a single mom, and on his my space profile it say that he wants kids someday. I can't even imagine him interacting with a child. I just don't get it. Why didn't he want to have kids while he was with me? Any advice or words of inspiration would be really helpful cause I'm feeling really hurt and confused right now.

[need2bme]

I think that sometimes people decide they want things differently, AFTER they meet someone else.

 

He meets her, thinks he likes/loves her and the kids come along with it. Besides, he may have not even met her kids yet and even if he has, he has no idea what it would be like to be a parent or how the kids would behave or how the mother treats them, etc.

 

He has no idea. He is enthralled with her and the fact that he gets to see or be around her "kid" and it is all new. Trust me, the first time the kid gets angry with HIM or acts out, because of him, he will not know how to handle it.

 

All that said though, you can see how he just jumped from you to her, so for whatever the reason is, he doesn't need to be with you and you don't need this crap in your life.

 

I know what it is like to obsess over (why?). I really do hun and it hasn't done me a lick a good yet.

 

He wants what he is after because it is new and different. You need to stay off of his MySpace and away from the email or phone or contact with him.

 

Keep posting.

[blender]

Well it may just be some woman he met, you don't really know the whole story... and besides the "newness" will wear off with her in time and he will once again run into himself. He didn't trade you for her, he simply moved sideways, meaning he ran away from himself.. so don't read so much into all of it, what he does or says will always reflect more about HIM then it does about you. So try to accept that for right now he is not meant to be in your precious life, FATE is nudging you into a new direction, so try to remember that the heartache you feel mostly comes from the "resistance" to accepting that things are exactly as they should be in your life for a reason.

 

Perhaps you are meant to grow way past the emotional habit this ex has become in your life, and you are now going to discover your own strength, independence and what you really value from a relationship. This discovery is the gift that heartache gives... I know you are hurting, but don't compare it only leads to despair, and at any time in life we can always compare and find those who SEEM to have "more" or "less" than us.. so it's truly a waste of energy to even go there with your thoughts.

 

Try to stay focused on all that you have to explore in life, your future is bright, the best is ahead of you not behind you... and if this guy was in your life for three years and then weeks later is actually involved with someone else, well that says so much about him...he's not even dealing with his own emotions.. probably never really has in his life.

 

You've been given a new lease on your life, think of this not as a burden, but a gift... you're going to grow way past this, yes through some tears, and heartache but you'll see that it was all pushing you towards better more high quality relationships in your life.. hang in there.. best, blender

[cabbytyreburna]

I can say I have been there done that, Im going through it right now..

 

Its a long complicating story and my ex just makes it more complicated trying to invalidate our relationship.

 

But the girl he chose over me, slept with his cousin less than 6 months ago, and my ex was pretty good friends with my cousin, but lost contact a little when he left for the navy. But they used to email a little while he was gone. (not sure now as i dont talk to either). And I have had so many people tell me she is uglier than me. And she is a lot more immature than me.

 

I don't know what he sees in her, and why he left me for her.. He claims he loves her, and that she is super duper awesome.. but the way his cousin talked about her she isnt...

 

It hurts, and it sucks. But the thing you have to realize is its his loss, not yours. you will find a better man someday. Its natures way of forcing to get a better person in your life.

 

Sometimes people do change when they meet someone, sometimes its simply so they can get laid. They "play the game". But whatever it is, you dont need him. Any man who is willing to change that drastically to get a girl, isn't worth your time. you should want a man who will be honest to you and himself.

[liz22]

Trust me, the first time the kid gets angry with HIM or acts out, because of him, he will not know how to handle it.

 

 

 

 

 

I totally agree with this statement. You took the words right out of my mouth!

[FrancisHouseman]

oh do i know how you feel honey!! i was once dumped by a guy for a girl who was pregnant to someone else, someone she had a one night stand with! I thought "what?!" he vowed to bring that child up as his own...

 

My most recent ex, cheated on me and broke my heart, he was always making me feel fat and ugly when i know i am not either. Anyway I saw the girl he chose over me and she was bigger than me with funny googly eyes and horrible teeth and she cheated on him about four times, got pregnant had am abortion and yet four years later he has proposed to her!! I dont understand it either!

 

I figured with my most recent ex he didnt know how to be treated well, his girlfriend before me was younger and pouty and always dumping him, arguing with him, treating him like rubbish, i treated him like a prince and he couldnt cope. He dumped me saying i was 'overwhelming' and stating that he just couldnt love me.

 

you win some, you lose some. It hurts but you know what, one day you will be glad you were freed from this relationship.

 

YOU are better than him! so who cares who he choses to be with now. You will get someone better. you deserve it.

[kluv224]

Maybe he has spent time with her kids and realized he wants kids. Maybe her child changed his mind. You don't know anything about their relationship and how much they mean to each other so quit comparing to the relationship you once had.

[Papillion]

Ok am gonna respond off the bat here without reading any of the other replies.

 

He may have just simply met someone who totally affected him and he feels all loved up now. When that happens to a guy he starts to show interest in anything connected to that girl, even if he doesn’t really have an interest in it. Hence, she has kids so suddenly he’s into kids. If she was into rock climbing he’d be out there now buying all the gear and planning his first climb.

 

Something similar happened to me a few years ago. I was married to a good looking girl, 2 beautiful kids, great job, fantastic house, I had it all. Then I met someone quite by chance and it was like smashing into a brick wall at 200 mph - I fell in love with her lock stock and two smoking barrels. I was absolutely helpless. I gave up/lost everything to be with that girl. And many people said I was mad, how on earth could I give up everything I had to be with a person who some said didn’t compare to what I had. They thought she was nothing special to look at, came from a totally different part of the country, had loads of baggage and issues, was dysfunctional, depressed, cold etc. it just didn’t make sense to people, they genuinely didn’t understand because on paper it didn’t make sense. Thing was – I loved her. Simple as that. And yes, I embraced all sorts of things that this new girl was into such as animal welfare and certain genres of music that I wasn’t previously into. I loved her and wanted to be as close to her as possible. My poor suffering wife had been with me for 14 years and given me two kids, and she had to eventually face up to the fact that I’d fallen for someone else. Look at john lennon getting with yoko ono – people didn’t understand that, thought he was mad etc, but it happens.

 

This is just a guess. I could well be totally wrong.

 

The PS. to my story is that it never lasted with the girl I left my wife for. And I’m no longer remotely into any of the things I embraced when I was with her.

 

It may not be too late to get back with your guy if this is what you want.

[Zeter]

The PS. to my story is that it never lasted with the girl I left my wife for. And I’m no longer remotely into any of the things I embraced when I was with her.

We dumpees crave such anecdotes, because we need some affirmation of our true worth as we cope with the fallout of painful rejection. Thanks so much for sharing.

 

I realize every situation is different, but how long was it after you first informed your ex-wife that you came to realize you may have made a mistake about your new love?

 

Zeter

[liz22]

I really hope he dosen't actually "love" this girl after such a short period of time. I mean, it took him a year and a half for him to tell me that he loved me. He said he was not one to be able to say it quickly.

[Papillion]

We dumpees crave such anecdotes, because we need some affirmation of our true worth as we cope with the fallout of painful rejection. Thanks so much for sharing.

 

you're very welcome. And yes, i thought the OP would want to know my anecdote.

 

I realize every situation is different, but how long was it after you first informed your ex-wife that you came to realize you may have made a mistake about your new love?

 

well it was a totally crazy dysfunctional relationship from start to finish so i guess you could say i knew right from the get-go.

 

but it was 2 years after i left the wife that me and the new girl finally split for good.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it is really hard to understand why two people click or don't, or why people who seem to be perfect for one another fall apart. humans are very complex creatures psychologically...

 

and people don't always choose the person who is 'best' for them, they may have all kinds of undercurrents that drive them to be with someone who is terrible for them, but meets some deep psychological need.

 

so it could be as simple as he was lonely, and she was the easiest girl at hand throwing herself at him. or that helping her with her many problems made him feel powerful and needed. or he was repeating a pattern from his past where he has messed up family life and is choosing to recreate the chaos or circumstances. or that he is intimidated by people who are educated and he feels are smarter than him, so he chooses someone less educated to feel better about himself. or none of those, some reason even he himself doesn't understand.

 

so it isn't a contest where people are rated on obvious qualities or circumstances, but on lots of hidden emotions and agendas. and some of the strongest bonds can be *negative* bonds, i.e., say he feels the need to rescue someone else because he feels a bit powerless himself, so he chooses the person needing the most rescuing (who may be really a bad choice as a partner).

 

so take yourself out of the contest with this other woman. you are all those good things, and he is obviously not choosing her for those reasons. she just fits some emotional desire he has that may never have surfaced when he was with you because you and he didn't fit together that way.

 

and she may just be a temporary phase he is going thru... sometimes people who feel they've been burned in a relationship choose the opposite of what they had before as a rebellion against the former partner.

 

so their relationship may or may not last, depending on how strong the motivations for the choice are, and whether there can be a real strong love between them, which obviously can't be there yet after a few weeks. right now they are operating on new crush hormones, and an impression of what they *think* the relatinship or person is and how it fits with some need they have.

 

so forget out her, and go find a guy who really craves what you have to offer!

[JadedStar]

Chemistry is undefinable. We have no idea what rockets this woman set off in his mind and loins

 

We don't always feel chemistry with the mate that is best for us. Wish it worked that way, but it doesn't a lot of the time.

 

I wouldn't waste a lot of time wondering about his new relationship, instead look toward your own future. And saying she is uneducated with kids is being judgemental. You don't know her, and I know you are hurt but that is just you picking at anything you can to feel better. I know people who are in a technical sense uneducated but yet smart as a whip....circumstance just didn't allow them to go to college.

[JadedStar]

This illustrates PERFECTLY what i was getting at in my above post~!