Major update!

[TMinCali]

(Sorry, but it's long )

 

Ok, so my ex had my iPod and planned to burn the songs onto CD for me. He had it for two weeks and yesterday we made plans for me to go to his house to pick it up. We had been in LC throughout the two weeks he has had it.

 

So anyway, I call him after work to tell him I'm on my way. Here's how the conversation went down:

 

Me: Hey, I'm on my way to your house. Should be there in about 30 minutes

Him: Oh, I have a bit of a problem.

Me: Uh oh, what?

Him: I'm meeting some of the guys from (company he does business with) at (local bar) for drinks. I can't really get out of it, but if you want, you can meet me there.

Me: Hmm.. well... I guess I could use a drink, so sure.

Him: That will work too! (laughs)

Me: Cool, see you in a bit

 

Ok, so I get there and see him with the guys at the bar. I already know some of them so they greet me warmly. My ex looks at me and smiles and offers to buy me a drink.

 

We start small talking and he is visibly nervous. As the night progresses, we start joking and having a great time. He makes several references to things we did in our relationship (good times, inside jokes). He complimented me several times and was very polite and attentive. After about an hour, I told him I needed to get going. He mentioned going to another bar closer to my house (just me and him) and eventually convinced me to go.

 

We met at my house and took one car to the bar. We continued talking and he asked if I was seeing anyone. I told him that I didn't feel comfortable answering that question. He said "well everytime I ask you what's new with you, you never tell me your status". I told him that I didn't think it was appropriate. He then told me that he wasn't seeing anyone. He also told me how he was very nervous to see me, and hoped I didn't hate him. He mentioned how he messed things up with us and was very sorry for that and realizes his mistakes. He told me how he thinks of me frequently, and told me how beautiful and incredible I was.

 

Of course, I'm eating all this up, but playing it very cool and not giving him too much info about where I stood with all of this. It starts getting late and we drive back to my place. He asked if I could give him a ride home and I told him I had too much to drink and didn't feel comfortable doing that. I offered him to stay and sleep on the couch.

 

Ok, here's where things get crazy. We end up in bed and had an incredible night.... and morning Doh!!! ](*,)

 

The thing is, before we ended up in bed, we were discussing our relationship and what went wrong in depth (he initiated the conversation). This is the first time he ever said how he was feeling about everything and why he feels things went sour. He blamed himself for everything. I told him that we both made mistakes and that it's probably not a good idea to talk about it.

 

So now, I'm confused. I know we probably shouldn't have slept together, but it happened and I can't change that.

 

He definitely thinks I'm seeing someone and I can tell it bothers him. I told him that if we (me and the ex) slept together, it would be just that one time and I could never see him again. He said he didn't want that and would rather see me than sleep with me. He got emotional at this point.

 

I don't plan on contacting him because I want what happened last night (the talk and the connection) to marinate with him. My concern is if he thinks I'm in a relationship, will he just see it as one last hook up and walk away to protect himself from getting hurt?

 

I kinda feel cruddy about it, but know I'll see him again next week (more iPod issues)

 

p.s. Oh yeah, his boss, who I know very well, told me that he told my ex that he was letting the best thing he'll ever have slip away. He said that my ex agreed sadly.

 

He never mentioned wanting to try again, but his actions told a different story. I never mentioned anything either, and if anything showed the exact opposite, minus the sleeping with him... ugh!

 

What now??

[CatsMeeoow]

wow...

 

sounds like there are some serious doors opening here at reconiling...

 

last night must have been absolutely wonderful! I'm sure he's just as confused as you are and you are right... back off for a good day or so and let things settle.

 

best wishes!

[TMinCali]

Well, I still think reconciliation is a long time away, if it's even in the cards. I'm very confused about my feelings at this point. I know I care about him, but he still has a lot of work to do on himself.

 

We'll see what happens in the next update hehe

[annie24]

yikes, I have been in a similar situation as you, and it wasn't fun. basically, just don't assume he wants to get back together just because of one night and a good talk. I mean, I am glad you two were able to talk and open up and all that, just don't get false hopes. Personally, I wouldn't keep sleeping with him unless the relationship gets back together. You can fall into a FWB situation easily this way

[cant find my smile]

does a FWB ever evolve into a reconciliation, or does it hinder your chances of getting back together?

[annie24]

I can't think of a single case where FWB led to a reconciliation. I think it hinders your chances because they're getting all the perks of a relationship without being in one. I have seen people reconcile, where there was serious talk of working their problems out (see Hope75's story here).

[DN]

I think you are making a major error in allowing him to think you are with someone else if you are not. I strongly urge you to think that one through and undo what you have done.

[annie24]

I think you are making a major error in allowing him to think you are with someone else if you are not. I strongly urge you to think that one through and undo what you have done.

 

 

ooh, good point. if you are single and available, he should know that. and know that you aren't cheating on some guy behind his back.

[TMinCali]

I will for sure not let this be a FWB. I'm not going to contact him. He has to initiate it from this point forward. I think he has alot to absorb at this point, so I'm not going to expect anything. It does make me wonder how he sees last night's events though. I kinda wish I didn't allow him to think I was in a relationship. I mean, I'm dating someone but it's not serious.

[TMinCali]

I think you are making a major error in allowing him to think you are with someone else if you are not. I strongly urge you to think that one through and undo what you have done.

 

I know. That's what has me worried. I never denied nor confirmed. When the talk of sex came up, I told him that it didn't seem right knowing that there is another guy that loves me and wants to share his life with me and not just see me as someone to sleep with. That's when he said he will leave and call a cab. I said, 'ok, if that's what you want to do". He then said, "well, I don't want you to feel negatively about it if we do" I said that I was fine with it and it would be our last "hoorah" and I will never talk to him again. That's when he got emotional and said he wants me in his life and would rather have that than the sex.

 

Ugh... too many cocktails for such a serious conversation.

 

So DN, how do I let him know that I'm dating but it's not serious? He said he heard that I was in a relationship which is not true. But I didn't deny it. I just said it's not appropriate to talk about that part of each other's lives.

 

When he left this morning, I could tell he felt awkward. He gave me a big hug and then mentioned something about my iPod and left. He was also very hungover.

[love4life]

TMinCali, I'm confused. I just read your last couple threads where you said you were over him. Why the sudden change of heart?

[TMinCali]

Yeah, I feel like I'm over him, but I do still care about him. I know that sounds confusing, but I will not fall to pieces if we don't get back together. So, I guess that's what I mean by saying "over him".

 

We had a great night and I felt there was still a connection with us... not just sexually. I'm actually kind of confused about my feelings for him. I'm looking at the situation objectively, but at the same time, don't want to make any mistakes if, in fact, reconciliation is in the cards.

 

Confusing... I know ...lol

[love4life]

No, I think this is good for you. You're not in desperation mode, but you still feel something's there. Seems like you're in the early stages of dating someone new, in a way: low expectations, but open to possibilities.

[DN]

I am a little confused as to whether you are seeing someone else or not. If you are it might precipitate a decision if you tell the current guy you are seeing that you slept with your ex - he may make the decision for you.

 

If you are not seeing someone just simply tell him.

[TMinCali]

DN, the guy I'm dating is more a less a guy that I see every so often. We haven't even established any sort of commitment or bf/gf status.

 

I know for a fact if I had to make a decision and the choice was mine, I would pick my ex. But again, my feelings towards him are confused at this point. I'm not sure if he has done enough work on himself to even establish a successful reconciliation. He has very low self esteem and not alot of confidence in his ablilities for success. We talked about this last night and I told him to try to remain positive (in regards to work, new car, new house, etc.) His favorite line is, "I'm not good at (insert here)"

 

I had sex with him last night because I wanted to. I didn't look at it as a way to make him fall for me again. I know he has feelings for me and he told me on many occasions how attracted to me he was. I just don't know about his fears and his doubts.

 

I thought about sending him a short email telling him I had a good time last night and to let him know that I'm not in a serious relationship, so not to think I am cheating on someone else. Bad idea?

[CatsMeeoow]

I think it is a bad idea....

 

I think go with your original plan of giving it some breathing room for a day or so... I mean you have the best excuse to contact him... he well still has your ipod!!!!

 

You didn't say you were seeing someone but you didn't say you weren't. Don't bring it up again unless he asks... then come clean.

 

Just my two cents!

 

Good Luck - I'd love to be in your shoes!!!! Don't happen to wear a size 6 1/2?

[DN]

I thought about sending him a short email telling him I had a good time last night and to let him know that I'm not in a serious relationship, so not to think I am cheating on someone else. Bad idea?

I think it is a good idea. Except I would tell him the truth that you are actually seeing someone. When undecided about whether to tell the truth (the whole truth) - tell the truth.

 

I think you need to decide if this guy is the one for you - not as you would want him to be but as he is, or at least how he likely to be in the future.

[CatsMeeoow]

LOL!!!

 

This is will be a tough one for you!!!

 

Two completely different opinions!!!

 

Good Luck in figuring it out!

[DN]

My point is that it would be quite wrong to mislead someone - by omission or commission. He should want you back because he loves you, not because he is jealous of someone else.

[TMinCali]

DN, now I'm really confused. The guy I'm dating is not the only guy I'm dating. I mean, isn't part of the moving on process is to date and have fun? I'm not sleeping around, but I am dating a couple of people. Nothing serious and they are both very aware of this. They are most likely dating others as well and I'm ok with that.

 

Do you still feel I need to say to the ex that I'm seeing someone? And yes, I do appreciate my ex for who he is now and in the future. I just don't know if the issues that caused our break up are still there with him. Remember, both sides need to do some work in order to have a healthy reconciliation. The reason I mention his self esteem issues and lack of confidence is because I feel this keeps him guarded and unwilling to open up on a deeper level with me. Last night he was more open than I had ever seen him. I still think it remains an issue with him though.

[TMinCali]

My point is that it would be quite wrong to mislead someone - by omission or commission. He should want you back because he loves you, not because he is jealous of someone else.

 

Has nothing to do with trying to make him jealous. I simply don't feel it's appropriate, nor his right, to know what is happening with that side of my personal life. At least not now... not last night. We were just breaking the ice in enjoying one another's company in a social setting. I don't feel I need to tell him every guy I date.

[annie24]

Has nothing to do with trying to make him jealous. I simply don't feel it's appropriate, nor his right, to know what is happening with that side of my personal life. At least not now... not last night. We were just breaking the ice in enjoying one another's company in a social setting. I don't feel I need to tell him every guy I date.

 

you did just have sex with him though, so you included him in your personal life right there.....

[TMinCali]

The talk of me seeing someone else came up well before the thought of sleeping together was there. This is why after the fact, I am feeling uneasy about me not confirming or denying if I were. I do want to let him know that my dating is not serious, which it isn't.

 

I'm just not sure how to approach the situation.

[DN]

The issue as I see it is this: if you want your ex back then he needs to know that and that you want only him. Otherwise he may well decide that you have moved on or he should move on.

[TMinCali]

Here's the email I was thinking about sending. Thoughts?

 

Hey Jxxx

How ya feelin'? Hopefully making it through your day wasn't too much of a struggle, although I have a feeling it probably was. I know I was pretty out of it. Ouch!

 

I had fun last night. Don't you still owe me ten bucks?? Oh and "Secret Agent Man" is by Johnny Rivers so, sorry you don't get that one. (we were playing "Name that tune" at the bar)

 

Anyway, I also wanted to make it clear that I didn't cheat on anyone. In other words, I haven't established a commitment, so to answer your question, yes, I'm dating, but it's nothing serious.

 

By the way, spending time with you was incredible, as always.

 

Have a great Thanksgiving and be safe!

 

Txxx