So confused by this girl.

[findingmeandyou]

Many of you have read this previous thread that I wrote about this girl:

 

 

 

Basically, the short of it is that she canceled our weekend plans, which was a date I put alot of planning into, just a few hours before. At first, she told me she forgot about a family event that was happening late next morning. I was like well, what does that have to do with going out the night before. Later, she admitted to me that it was because her mother wanted her home that same day. I was mad at her, because she let her mother control her like that. We had an argument about it, almost broke up, but then talked it over and said that we liked each other alot and that we could overlook at keep going.

 

We talked about rescheduling, and I tried to make plans with her this week. We talked about Tuesday, and she said it most probably would work, because she didn't think previous plans with her roommates would work out. On Monday night, she told me that there plans were on, so our plans were canceled. I was upset that she was canceling on me again, esp after what happened this weekend.

 

I tried again for this Friday. She has not yet been able to give me a definite answer, because now it's hinging on whether or not her brother is going to be around that day. In that case, she wants to see him because it's the holidays. I'm fine with that, but I also wish she would have made more of an effort to see me this week too.

 

We never really talked about what we might do on Friday. She called me last night, and I missed her call. Called her back a few hours later, and I didn't stay on the phone long because I was so sleepy. I sent her a text early this morning with a suggestion for hanging out. Since there's going to be so much hustle and bustle with the shoppers, I asked her to come out to my place. She can take a train and it takes about an hour. I figured we could have dinner and watch a movie. Whenever she comes over, she usually stays over, and I am hoping that she might this time too, just because I really like cuddling up with her and going to sleep.

 

In my text, I just said to her - hey can you come out here on Friday because of the traffic if I drive out there to see you? We coudl have dinner and catch a scary movie (which I know she loves)

 

I sent her that message 5 hours ago, and I haven't heard anything back. I don't get that.

 

I am feeling like she's going to bail on me again. What confuses me so much is that after bailing out on me twice already, I asked her what was going on. I was pretty upset with her, and she said that she really likes me and is "not going anywhere." But she's not making much time for me all of a sudden.

 

She's told me how much she likes me. A few weeks ago, she said she wanted us to be exclusive (although the word relationship/boyfriend) never came up. On her myspace, she has herself out there as single. (although mine says single too and I don't really pay too much attention to myspace, but still...)

 

What gives?

 

Thank you for reading and for your advice.

[Dating Coach]

What I see is a guy putting in a lot of effort to set up a date and a girl putting in none. It shouldn't be like that. I'd move on.

 

Now if you do move on, she'll probably feel guilty and will try to set up a time just to smooth things over or end on a good note. It happens all of the time. It doesn't mean she suddenly had an epiphany and is ready to date you. It's almost sort of a pity last date. I simply would move on and say, "No thanks." and leave it like that.

[servedcold]

Google "limerence wiki" for a scientific explanation of push-pull in early relationships. In order for limerence to kick in and infatuate someone, there has to be some risk or uncertainty that the feelings aren't returned, or may not be returned. This can be something as simple as going a few days without contact to let them wonder what you are up to. When you are constantly chasing and trying to make plans, there is no risk or uncertainty for her. She knows she has you, and is likely focusing on a more difficult target, her best friend's boyfriend for example (j/k but you get the drift).

[krnelson2]

This same thing actually happened to me about a month ago. I had been seein this firl for a few months (nothing serious). Things seemed to be going really well, and then all of a sudden she just stopped wanting to hang out and was giving excuses that she was busy.

 

First off, if you really care about someone, you will find time for them no matter what. If she cant make time to hang out, then she probably doesnt care that much. Sorry to say it, but it happened to me. She probably feels comfortable with you in her life and doesnt want you to go away. You are like a safety net for her. Dont let that happen. What are you getting out of the deal?

 

I would say leave the ball in her court. Tell her that you cant keep doing this with the excuses and all. If she wants to keep you around then SHE needs to start making an effort. Relationships even friendships cannot be one sided. If they are one person is bound to get hurt.

 

Sorry this was so negative, but honestly this exact thing happened to me not too long ago and hopefully my advice can save you some heartache.

 

I would however talk to her face to face and give her the ultimatum in person. You might get the real reason that way. Text messages can be very confusing, and are often misunderstood or misinterpreted.

 

Hope this helps!

[findingmeandyou]

Interesting chain of events...hmmm.

 

I just got two emails from her.

 

Email #1 -

 

Hey you!!

 

Thanks for your text. I'm going to get back to you about Friday, that should be a go; however, I want to double check family stuff. I can give you a call later tonight when I find out. I do look forward to seeing you though!! I hope you are having great day!! Remember, no work tomorrow!

 

See you sweetie,

X

 

Email #2 -

 

P.S. I'll figure something out...I want to see you. I miss my (my name)...

 

 

That's ALOT different from last week....

[Dating Coach]

Interesting chain of events...hmmm.

 

I just got two emails from her.

 

Email #1 -

 

Hey you!!

 

Thanks for your text. I'm going to get back to you about Friday, that should be a go; however, I want to double check family stuff. I can give you a call later tonight when I find out. I do look forward to seeing you though!! I hope you are having great day!! Remember, no work tomorrow!

 

See you sweetie,

X

 

Email #2 -

 

P.S. I'll figure something out...I want to see you. I miss my (my name)...

 

 

That's ALOT different from last week....

 

I'm not so sure. "I want to double check my family stuff"? What is that? Is there an extreme illness or something serious going on in her family? It just seems like you are very low on her priority list.

 

Look, she is not being considerate to you or your time. I would personally tell her tonight if she still gives you an iffy answer that she should not worry about it and that you'll go out with your friends. Because her continually give you the "Maybe" answer on dates is hugely disrespectful. What are you supposed to do? Sit there and cancel all other possible plans for Friday and sit there and wait for her to decide at the last minute whether or not to cancel and then leave you planless? I guess she expects that you have nothing better to do on a Friday Night than leave it open for the possibility that she may be free. Totally unfair to you. It's Wednesday, she needs to either say "I'll be there" or "I'm busy". That's it. Tonight. Last chance.

[findingmeandyou]

What she told me a few days ago was that her brother might be at her parent's house on Friday. If he's there, she wants to stay and visit. But, if he leaves early, she'll come hang out with me that night. She told me on Sunday she was going to find out if he's going to be there or night. I guess what she's saying is that she doesn't know or not. I'm sitting here like - it takes her 4 days and she still doesn't know the plan?

 

I don't know if I'm being played or not against other plans.

 

She tells me that she's only seeing me and in fact asked to be exclusive a few weeks ago. I wonder if this is is another guy she's juggling.

[Dating Coach]

If Friday wasn't clear then you should reschedule for a different day immediately. It's probably too late for that now but I would never set up a date with a girl on a shaky day. I'd make other plans that are concrete.

[Need_some_help]

What i did when i was in your situation was this.

 

I simply told her that i was going to be at such and such place at such and such time. ( i will be at TGIFridays on Friday at 7:00 p.m.) if you want to see me i will be there, if you dont than you wont!!

 

If she doesnt show up, regardless of the excuse, you will know that she is not interested in you, and you are not important enough to her to show up.

And at that point you need to drop her and move on, because she will only continue to do this type of thing to you.

 

 

On that specific date and time, i would suggest having a friend of yours show up at the same time, just it case she doesnt show up. That way you are not sitting there all by yourself. getting more and more pissed off.

 

If she does show up, you can send your buddy on his way and do whatever you had planned to do. Then you will know that she did what she had to do to move forward.

 

It worked for me, mine showed up, we had a good day/night.

[findingmeandyou]

Hi All, another interesting chain of events.

 

So I'm waiting last night to hear from this girl. Around 9:30, I get a text message (when she said she would call) - "Is Friday still good?"

 

I call her right then, and just act normal (although confused, I've been waiting on her and now she's asking me if it's still good) and I say, "hey, what's up?" She asks me if we're still good for Friday. I said yeah, we're good.

 

She tells me that everything is good and we can hang out. She tells me that she's going to her family's on Sat morning (which is near me), so she asks me if she can stay over on Friday night and if I could drop her off somewhere that's a few miles from me, and I'm like that's fine. I even asked her to take a train out to see me, because she lives about an hour away and traffic will be like hell. She was ok with that. She's making effort. I'm good with that. (Seemed like a pretty decent result).

 

I don't stay on the phone with her too long. I tell her I'm glad we have plans, but I'm tired so am going to get off the phone. We say our goodbyes.

 

A few minutes later, I get a text message from her "we're good right?"

 

I'm like - huh? I call her back. No answer. She calls me in about 15 minutes, and I ask her what she means by that. She says I mean "us" - are we good? I say yeah, we're good. What's the prob? She says I sounded tired on the phone. Maybe it sounded like I didn't want to talk to her? I say - was just tired - looking forward to seeing you on Friday.

 

The girl who was seemingly me putting me off is now getting insecure???

 

I'm wondering if I was successful in getting the msg accross by holding out on txts/phone calls or is this some other weird girl thing???

 

Do you guys think I should continue to "lay low" on phone calls for now?

[Dating Coach]

Yes. Lay low on the calls for now.

[findingmeandyou]

Yes. Lay low on the calls for now.

 

DD, agreed. What do you think about the weirdness of last night?

[findingmeandyou]

I am so nervous about this date tonight, esp with her staying over and all.

[Dating Coach]

Don't be. Stop putting pressure on yourself. Tell yourself that you have ONE goal tonight, and that is JUST to have fun. That's it. No worrying about her, no worrying about making it work, no worry about offending her, no worrying about whether or not she is having fun, no worrying about whether or not she is into you, etc. Your ONE GOAL should be to just have a good fun time for yourself. Do things that YOU find fun. Trust me on that.

[findingmeandyou]

Don't be. Stop putting pressure on yourself. Tell yourself that you have ONE goal tonight, and that is JUST to have fun. That's it. No worrying about her, no worrying about making it work, no worry about offending her, no worrying about whether or not she is having fun, no worrying about whether or not she is into you, etc. Your ONE GOAL should be to just have a good fun time for yourself. Do things that YOU find fun. Trust me on that.

 

yeah, you're right, dude. that's about all I can do. No point in worrying about anything - past, present, or future. Can only control the present.

[findingmeandyou]

yeah, you're right, dude. that's about all I can do. No point in worrying about anything - past, present, or future. Can only control the present.

 

 

I've been laying low, even though we are hanging out tonight.

 

I just get a text frmo her. I haven't texted her all day.

 

"Yay, I get to see you tonight. "

 

I guess this is a good sign, but I'm so used to women being manipulative and playing all sorts of f-ed up mind games that I'm trying not to think too much of it.

[Dating Coach]

Send her this text back:

 

At least you know how lucky you are

[JDMxTeGrA101]

kind of like mine