Find it impossible to have that spark with anyone...

[usababe]

All my friends are female and always have been and I'm funny and relaxed with them but with guys I just can't be myself. I'm shy until I really get comfortable with someone and I feel like I'm so boring on dates with guys, I'm such a girlie girl too... I love chick flicks and ballad type music etc so I find it very hard to have anything in common with guys. This is making it really difficult to feel that spark with anyone.

Does anyone else feel like this? I'm having a huge problem connecting with anyone.

I had a long distance relationship that worked really well as most of our communication was via IM, text message, phone etc and I felt really comfortable being myself with him but when it got to meeting up face to face it became really awkward and boring. I dunno how to get out of this rut! Maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet I don't know!

[Jayar]

Hey girl,

 

First of all, that spark has little (if anything) to do with compatibility. Both are separate qualities, and necessary for survival of the relationship. So your idea that being a girlie girl is making it difficult to feel the spark is a little misdirected. Spark is chemical.

 

I think that when you're the type of girl you seem to be, you will find most appreciation with a man who adores the male/female differences. There are guys who LOVE girly girls. Don't date a guy who's idea of romance is taking you fishing and cleaning your catch together, get what I'm saying?

 

As for the chemical spark? I have never really felt it for ANYONE aside from my current boyfriend. I dated guys, liked them, got along with them... But this time it's different. So I'd feel very comfortable putting my vote in for "just haven't met the right guy yet" hehehe.

 

Good luck!

[usababe]

Lol thanks Jayar, the reason I mentioned about having things in common was from watching a friend of mine... for example she loves Rocky movies and she literally uses that to get guys, it's the first thing she always talks to guys about and they're always fascinated that she loves the movies and they talk for hours about them. That's just alien to me... not too many guys want to discuss "the notebook" hehe!

Yeah I'm thinking though I have to just wait patiently for the right guy to come along...

[JadedStar]

Lol thanks Jayar, the reason I mentioned about having things in common was from watching a friend of mine... for example she loves Rocky movies and she literally uses that to get guys, it's the first thing she always talks to guys about and they're always fascinated that she loves the movies and they talk for hours about them. That's just alien to me... not too many guys want to discuss "the notebook" hehe!

Yeah I'm thinking though I have to just wait patiently for the right guy to come along...

 

Well, why don't you learn something about a male dominated area and use that?

 

Me for instance. I love football. Can talk about it with any guy. I dont like it for this reason, but guys LOVE THIS. I am married tho, so after chatting it up with someone i meet and they find out i am married they usually exclaim MAN ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN. A girl who is comfortable and who can talk football with a guy who LVOES football is goign to almost always be a hit.

 

So...find a male dominated thing - a film, a sport, etc. Become an expert on it. And use that as your opening line with guys....then the convo usually takes off from there.

[usababe]

Well, why don't you learn something about a male dominated area and use that?

 

Me for instance. I love football. Can talk about it with any guy. I dont like it for this reason, but guys LOVE THIS. I am married tho, so after chatting it up with someone i meet and they find out i am married they usually exclaim MAN ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN. A girl who is comfortable and who can talk football with a guy who LVOES football is goign to almost always be a hit.

 

So...find a male dominated thing - a film, a sport, etc. Become an expert on it. And use that as your opening line with guys....then the convo usually takes off from there.

 

Yeah that's pretty simple but a good idea, I think I'll try that. I'm actually a soccer fan hmm I may brush up on my knowledge and use that... thanks jadedstar

[Jayar]

Lol thanks Jayar, the reason I mentioned about having things in common was from watching a friend of mine... for example she loves Rocky movies and she literally uses that to get guys, it's the first thing she always talks to guys about and they're always fascinated that she loves the movies and they talk for hours about them. That's just alien to me... not too many guys want to discuss "the notebook" hehe!

Yeah I'm thinking though I have to just wait patiently for the right guy to come along...

 

Oh I definitely get what you're saying, and I think there are two approaches with guys; try and be like them and appeal to their sense of camaraderie, or try and be YOU and appeal to their partnering desires. Every guy likes a girl who can share interests with them, and not stare at them like a box of rocks while they discuss the internal workings of a '65 Mustang. But given the choice between a girl they're chemically attracted to who shares less interests, and a girl they're NOT chemically attracted to but shares all of their interests... They're still going to pick the girl they're attracted to. Or maybe they'd pick neither, and wait for the one they ARE attracted too who ALSO shares their interests.

 

My point is that there's no need for you to feel like you have to "play the game" the same way your friend does, using her "strategy" if you clearly don't have the same things to offer. My advice is to figure out what you offer that's equivalent to loving rock music, and learn how to flaunt that.

 

Don't CHANGE yourself, but there's nothing wrong with being the best YOU that you can be. I'd wager that when guys aren't connecting with you, it's probably less because you don't like rock music than you might think.

[JadedStar]

It has nothing to do wtih rock music but if she has absolutely nothing in common with guys in which to start off a convo she is going to have a bad go of it. (i think she meant rocky movies tho, not rock music(

 

FInding something she really likes that is also a male dominated activity will make the transition to conversation much easier for her.

 

It's a way to be "herself" but also finding something she likes so that conversation flows smoothly. This method is one heck of an easy icebreaker.

[Tethys]

Hm, I have the opposite problem. I get along with men more than women. Women make me uncomfortable sometimes. However, I do not like sports or anything of the kind. I wonder what Jadedstar means by "male dominated" areas. Sports as masculine is a stereotype, so I would like to know what else is considered a "male dominated" area?

[JadedStar]

Hm, I have the opposite problem. I get along with men more than women. Women make me uncomfortable sometimes. However, I do not like sports or anything of the kind. I wonder what Jadedstar means by "male dominated" areas. Sports as masculine is a stereotype, so I would like to know what else is considered a "male dominated" area?

 

yes I am stereotyping because a lot of men do like sports. All oif them? NO. But a good deal do so if she is a soccerfan for instance, the chances of her meeting a guy who at least is mildly interested in soccer or at least knows the area is likely.

 

Another area would be movies that appeal to men - such as the Rocky example she gave earlier. The Diehard with Bruce Willis come to mind....Scarface - haven't met many men who didn't love that crazy movie LOL

This doesn't mean that whatever she chooses is liked by EVERY man but it is going to at least increase her chances of being able to have an icebreaker with them.

 

And since you have no problems with men this suggestion is not going to appeal to you.

 

I do, however, know MANY women who have a lot of male friends and get along with them better than female but who still have a hard time finding dates. Reason is that the guys see her as "one of the guys" and it hurts her chances. I have a very pretty friend who is in our social circle who is turning 43 and she never seems to get dates despite being attractive and successful. She is great friends with all the guys...I think she is TOO Much one of the guys and they find it a turn off. Some men dont want to date the girl who has burping contests with them in the bar, or who tries to tell jokes that are the crudest of all. When she asked me for advice on her dating woes i actually suggested to her toning this down a bit.

[usababe]

Hm, I have the opposite problem. I get along with men more than women. Women make me uncomfortable sometimes. However, I do not like sports or anything of the kind. I wonder what Jadedstar means by "male dominated" areas. Sports as masculine is a stereotype, so I would like to know what else is considered a "male dominated" area?

 

lol grass is always greener!... I would like to have your problem.

I think why I find it so difficult to relate to men is because I've never been around them that much... I went to an Irish Catholic all girls school, my course in college was female dominated and in my job I work with all women. Even though I have two brothers I'm very uncomfortable around men and it worries me that I'll never be able to find that connection with anyone.

[Jayar]

It has nothing to do wtih rock music but if she has absolutely nothing in common with guys in which to start off a convo she is going to have a bad go of it. (i think she meant rocky movies tho, not rock music(

 

FInding something she really likes that is also a male dominated activity will make the transition to conversation much easier for her.

 

It's a way to be "herself" but also finding something she likes so that conversation flows smoothly. This method is one heck of an easy icebreaker.

 

Hahahahaha! You're right about rock vs. Rocky. 10:30am is early for me, okay?! For what it's worth, as much of a guy's girl as I am... They can HAVE their Rocky movies. Haha!

 

I think your suggestion is a great one. But would add that in choosing a topic it be one she has some degree of interest (she mentioned soccer, so that's great) because naturally she's going to attract that type of guy. For instance, it would do her no good to attract a guy who is excited by her knowledge of motorcycles, and then be either disappointed when he doesn't take her to biker events, or complain because she's bored to tears at the biker events. That of course is just an example. The same could be said for developing a knowledge of sports (but not an APPRECIATION for sports) and then feeling like a hockey/football/baseball widow.

[Tethys]

Jadedstar,

 

I think I see what you are saying, but I would never date a man who thought the Rocky and Diehard movies were the pinnacle of celluloid achievement, though Scarface has its merits. Sounds like you are talking about the macho, "manly" men, right?

[usababe]

Jadedstar,

 

I think I see what you are saying, but I would never date a man who thought the Rocky and Diehard movies were the pinnacle of celluloid achievement, though Scarface has its merits. Sounds like you are talking about the macho, "manly" men, right?

 

I don't think it was meant that they would be "the pinnacle of celluloid achievement" but ALOT of guys whether "manly" or not will like this type of movie!

[Tethys]

lol grass is always greener!... I would like to have your problem.

I think why I find it so difficult to relate to men is because I've never been around them that much... I went to an Irish Catholic all girls school, my course in college was female dominated and in my job I work with all women. Even though I have two brothers I'm very uncomfortable around men and it worries me that I'll never be able to find that connection with anyone.

 

 

Ah, we have more pieces to the story! I can see why you find it difficult to relate to men if you have never truly been able to socialize with them.

 

I have never been in your shoes, but just remember this -- like all human beings, men want the same things in life -- security, contentment, etc. Nothing extraordinary. Apparently, however, women and men think about how to achieve these things in different ways, but don't worry about that for now. I'd say you need to put yourself in more situations where you are exposed to men and make more (platonic) male friends so that you don't feel uncomfortable.

 

I prefer men to women because women can be so mercilessly critical of one another. Have you not found this? Maybe all-girl schools eliminate that tendency as you don't have to compete for men.

[Tethys]

I don't think it was meant that they would be "the pinnacle of celluloid achievement" but ALOT of guys whether "manly" or not will like this type of movie!

 

I suppose I hang around a different type than that. Sure, those movies can be mindless fun, but I don't know anyone who thinks they are actually good.

 

But, I hesitate to say more or my film snobbery will start to show. I actually wrote a lot more about that earlier but decided against it and deleted it, lol. I just don't agree that those movies represent general male tastes.

[usababe]

Ah, we have more pieces to the story! I can see why you find it difficult to relate to men if you have never truly been able to socialize with them.

 

I have never been in your shoes, but just remember this -- like all human beings, men want the same things in life -- security, contentment, etc. Nothing extraordinary. Apparently, however, women and men think about how to achieve these things in different ways, but don't worry about that for now. I'd say you need to put yourself in more situations where you are exposed to men and make more (platonic) male friends so that you don't feel uncomfortable.

 

I prefer men to women because women can be so mercilessly critical of one another. Have you not found this? Maybe all-girl schools eliminate that tendency as you don't have to compete for men.

 

Oh yeah I completely agree that women can be that way but I have found some really good, close friends that I trust completely but I find in general I can get on with pretty much any woman... I wish I was this way with men! Women love me (in a platonic way lol!) but men just don't seem to get me or feel that spark/connection with me.

[Jayar]

I suppose I hang around a different type than that. Sure, those movies can be mindless fun, but I don't know anyone who thinks they are actually good.

 

But, I hesitate to say more or my film snobbery will start to show. I actually wrote a lot more about that earlier but decided against it and deleted it, lol. I just don't agree that those movies represent general male tastes.

 

Hey, I'm with you Tethys... I go nuts over a guy who appreciates a good "thinking" movie. Maybe that's why my boyfriend is a nerd.

 

That's always another option, you know USABabe... Wait to find a GUY who fits YOU. Of ALL the guys I've EVER dated (some better than others) my current boyfriend fits me the best. And he's the biggest nerd. But I'm also a nerd, so we are nerds together. My point is that my best relationship is with a guy who I didn't have to change or bend an inch for. There's a definite advantage and merit to that.

[Tethys]

Jayar,

 

You're right. My current partner and I fit one another very well, right down to the movie tastes (hehe) and all. We are similar but just different enough to keep it interesting. We have a lot in common but enjoy the differences -- makes for a great relationship.

[usababe]

Hey, I'm with you Tethys... I go nuts over a guy who appreciates a good "thinking" movie. Maybe that's why my boyfriend is a nerd.

 

That's always another option, you know USABabe... Wait to find a GUY who fits YOU. Of ALL the guys I've EVER dated (some better than others) my current boyfriend fits me the best. And he's the biggest nerd. But I'm also a nerd, so we are nerds together. My point is that my best relationship is with a guy who I didn't have to change or bend an inch for. There's a definite advantage and merit to that.

 

Yeah I agree, I want a guy to fall for me as I am right now without having to "bend" for but it just hasn't happened for me... YET!

[JadedStar]

That is why i mentioned make sure it is something she is also interested in. It would look fake if she picks a topic just for the heck of it.

[love4life]

Lol thanks Jayar, the reason I mentioned about having things in common was from watching a friend of mine... for example she loves Rocky movies and she literally uses that to get guys, it's the first thing she always talks to guys about and they're always fascinated that she loves the movies and they talk for hours about them. That's just alien to me... not too many guys want to discuss "the notebook" hehe!

Yeah I'm thinking though I have to just wait patiently for the right guy to come along...

 

I'm guessing it's not the fact that she talks about Rocky, but HOW she talks about it. If it's something she's enthusiastic about, that enthusiasm probably comes through in her discussions.

 

As for your original post about being shy, I've gone on enough first dates to say that, at least for me, being shy DID inhibit me from sparking, because I was afraid to show my personality, thinking the guy wouldn't like me if I did.

 

I finally got past that about a year ago and found myself sparking fairly easily!

 

Don't be afraid to let your personality come through and show that you're excited about things like "The Notebook". People will appreciate your passion for it and if they nitpick about the fact that you like "The Notebook" then they're petty people anyway, and who nees that?

 

I'll tell you what helped me immensely, which I told someone else about in another thread: improv classes. This forces you to be confident in your choices and not second-guess yourself. Shyness stems from second-guessing who you are.

[usababe]

Yeah shyness definitely affects the sparking process. Improv classes sound like they could work but the thought would literally make me sick, I literally gave up a college course because the thought of having to do presentations scared me so much. I didn't think it would affect me date wise though.

[timtamslam]

But given the choice between a girl they're chemically attracted to who shares less interests, and a girl they're NOT chemically attracted to but shares all of their interests... They're still going to pick the girl they're attracted to. Or maybe they'd pick neither, and wait for the one they ARE attracted too who ALSO shares their interests.

 

My point is that there's no need for you to feel like you have to "play the game" the same way your friend does, using her "strategy" if you clearly don't have the same things to offer. My advice is to figure out what you offer that's equivalent to loving rock music, and learn how to flaunt that.

 

Hi all, I'm new here, how's it going? Just thought I'd put in my two cents' worth because I am having the exact same problem except the other way around. I totally agree with Jayar - being knowledgeable on 'guy' subjects will do nothing for you if the guy isn't attracted to you to begin with. They are much more likely to go with someone they feel an attraction to even if they have very little in common. I, for one, am the biggest tomboy around. I've always been one of the boys, talking about rugby and cricket, drinking beer, telling dirty jokes, playing video games, watching action movies all day...problem is, all the guys I've ever met think of me as a mate or a sister. ](*,) I wouldn't try to change who you are. when you meet the 'right guy', he will be attracted to you for exactly who you are, I think it's just that you haven't found him yet. Just think about your positive qualities and when you meet someone you're attracted to, let those qualities shine through. And mention the Notebook if you want to, if it's your favourite movie. After all, how many men would pretend their favourite movie was 'Steel Magnolias' just to impress a girl? Not many!

[usababe]

Thanks, I do and guys do find me attractive they just seem to get bored after awhile. I think alot of guys aren't attracted girls that are shy.... bottom line! The thing is I'm not even that shy once you get to know me, it just takes me a while to become comfortable around someone new.

[JadedStar]

usababe, I still stand firmly by saying that knowing some topics to discuss with guys will be helpful to you, because I can promise anyone a good part of attraction IS personality, and if you are behaving awkward and shy around guys those who might find you attractive won't if the perosnality doesn't shine thru.

 

Shy girls and guys DO have a hard time with the opposite sex so if you are having a hard time talking to them knwoing a few topics that interest you that also interest guys won't hurt, I promise you.

 

And to timtamslam, take a look at the many many many threads from young men on here who are trying to attract women. Not only will they learn steeling magnolia they would also hang from a pole by their toes in an ice storm if they thought that is what it would take.

 

As a matter of fact, i know several young guys who rented the Notebook as a segue of conversation with girls. If this happened to be her favorite movie and a guy said how much he liked it and could even discuss parts of the movie many young women would be impressed. Will she FALL HEAD OVER HEELS FOR HIM? No....however, this just gave him a chance to get to talk to her and move to different topics. It gives that chance to shine, if even for a moment, whereas if you don't know how to even start a converstaion wtih a guy or girl you'll never even be able to get noticed.

 

These are attention grabbers and convo starters icebreakers. If anyone sees them as anything more than that or a guarantee someone will find you attractive then you are on the wrong track.