Why do people always assume the worst

[pacodemil]

Why is it that people always assume the worst about others without knowing anything about them. I have been reading several threads on here about people who have found love in unusual circumstances, but everyone is always quick to jump to conclusions and tell these people that everyhting is a lie or that the person they have found is some kind of text book jerk. What happened to the good guys and girs of the world who mean well and just want others to be happy? Doesnt anyone think they still exist besides me? I know personally that I am in a relationship that is going nowhere, and I have stayed to this point only for my son. Does that make me some kind of jerk or loser because my son means something to me? Apparently everyone here seems to think so. So I guess if I ever find true love I will be a jerk because I didnt abandon my son sooner. I'm just venting because I feel like some people are way to quick to judge others.

[keenan]

Sounds like you're the one who is being pretty quick to judge. I know a LOT of people on here who are very kind and optimistic, and who probably habitually assume the best about others. And even though that sounded harsh, in truth I assume the best about you, too. It's late and you're grumpy, so you probably sound more peevish than you really are.

 

One thing to consider is that you're reading posts from a self-selected population (people who are interested in reading about the problems of others and trying to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on or a swift kick on the shin, if necessary)

who see the same kinds of questions and problems over and over again. If you spend any amount of time on ENA, it becomes SHOCKING how similar the themes are. Infidelity, lack of trust, failure to communicate, fear of intimacy...on and on. Each situation is very different in its particular nuances, but when the person posting is forced to distill a complicated life story into paragraphs and sentences, they take on one of a small handful of shapes again and again.

 

From a problem-solving perspective, it's most efficient for us to try to apply a new situation to something that we've already experienced (either personally or vicariously through others here), and dole out some individualized variation on that theme. The result of that is that most of the time the advice here is probably pretty spot-on (at least, if the person giving it to you has relatively the same values that you do), but once in awhile it will just be wrong or not helpful.

 

It's also much easier to be honest when you aren't buddies with (or sitting face to face with )the person you're talking to, and we aren't really socialized to be honest in nice ways. Often the honesty will come out sounding too blunt and a little mean. But I don't think many people INTEND to be mean. So look at intent, not just outcome.

[Entropy Smith]

Listen pal...Disneylands alittle crowded right now but there is always room in the Magic Kingdom.

[keenan]

Listen pal...Disneylands alittle crowded right now but there is always room in the Magic Kingdom.

 

Now that didn't help my case at all, LOL! New Yorkers.

[pacodemil]

Listen pal...Disneylands alittle crowded right now but there is always room in the Magic Kingdom.

 

Wow you alsmost made some kind of sense. But you didn't so why don't you just say what you really wanted to.

[pacodemil]

I can't say as though this is entirely true or untrue. I think that yes people try to help and give advice for similar situations but I also think that many people tend to be to judgemental because they have been hurt in the past. I don't mean everyone, but lets face it, it is easy to kick someone around that you don't know.

[keenan]

but lets face it, it is easy to kick someone around that you don't know.

 

True. But luckily, it's hard to feel a foot kicking through the computer monitor. A pragmatic approach is to give weight to the answers given in good faith, and try to ignore the ones you find hurtful or misguided.

 

It's a good point that you raise, though: Nearly every person on ENA found him/herself here because of a personal problem or crisis. We google some self-help thing in the middle of the night and stumble onto this forum. So yeah, we're not without our painful histories, and that will effect the advice.

[musicguy]

I prefer giving someone an e-slap

[pacodemil]

True. But luckily, it's hard to feel a foot kicking through the computer monitor. A pragmatic approach is to give weight to the answers given in good faith, and try to ignore the ones you find hurtful or misguided.

 

It's a good point that you raise, though: Nearly every person on ENA found him/herself here because of a personal problem or crisis. We google some self-help thing in the middle of the night and stumble onto this forum. So yeah, we're not without our painful histories, and that will effect the advice.

 

Don't get me wrong I have found a lot of friendly helpful people on here that give good advice. I just think that sometimes people are quick to judge. Yes it is a human flaw. Like I said I really am just venting I hope I didnt offend anyone.

[pacodemil]

I prefer giving someone an e-slap

 

Isn't that e-work place violence?

[musicguy]

Why do you think that people are too quick to judge on here?

[musicguy]

Isn't that e-work place violence?

 

indeed, but I'm not working

[pacodemil]

Not all people. I just have read a lot of thresda lately where people are giving a quick reply without any actual facts being explained. Some of them are similar to experiences I am having and I guess it just touched a nerve.

[musicguy]

Aren't people quick to judge in the real world too? Everyday I get called "weird" by my co-workers because they don't understand my humor or my little quirks.

[pacodemil]

But that is the problem. If they actually took the time to get to know you then they would probably really enjoy your company. I just never liked people who have formed opinions before they really know the facts. I like to give everyone and everything a chance before I dismiss them.

[musicguy]

Some of them have gotten used to me, but others still pick on me, but if they aren't gonna accept me for me, then oh well. I like to give people a chance too, but you have to understand that not everyone is gonna like you. All of us make quick assumptions about other people before we get to know them, it's just how people are, you can't change that

[pacodemil]

Some of them have gotten used to me, but others still pick on me, but if they aren't gonna accept me for me, then oh well. I like to give people a chance too, but you have to understand that not everyone is gonna like you. All of us make quick assumptions about other people before we get to know them, it's just how people are, you can't change that

 

I guess you have a pretty good point. But that doesnt mean that it still won't bother me.

[musicguy]

then don't let it bother you. You are letting a little, uncontrollable thing bother you. People are gonna judge people, no matter what

[pacodemil]

Your right. I cant argue with that. Just having one of those days is all.

[musicguy]

It's all good. We all have those kinda days. Chill out, drink a beer and eat a lot of turkey on Thursday

[d24]

I can't say as though this is entirely true or untrue. I think that yes people try to help and give advice for similar situations but I also think that many people tend to be to judgemental because they have been hurt in the past. I don't mean everyone, but lets face it, it is easy to kick someone around that you don't know.

 

wisdom is nothing but sharing experiences.

the vast majority of people coming here are hurting in some way.

thereforeeee, it makes sense that the wisdom they impart is going to be slightly biased.

 

I'm an optimist though, and I've done threads requesting that other people stop using the whole "find someone better" reply to posts, because it can be a LOT harder and a lot more complicated than that (read this thread if it interests you: )

 

At the end of theday though, I feel there's some good in everyone, and with support ad guidance hopefully we're doing good things by helping others here, sharing our views, opinions and advice.

[Gracelove]

Hey there!

 

I can't totally relate to what you are saying. Um, sometimes I think it is hard to people to be understanding of certain situations.

 

But I definitely believe that everything isn't black and white.

 

And if you are in a relationship that is going nowhere, that's just the way things are.

 

I think you should find happiness for your own sake. Bad relationships are absolutely draining and they can kill your spirit. I've been in reallly bad relationships before.

 

It's so beautiful that you are trying to do what is best for the sake of your son. I think that is so awesome. Just take your time, do what you believe to be right.

 

I know things are realllllllllllllllly complicated when it comes to children. Just a few days ago, my best friend's ex boyfriend tried to take their child away from her.

 

I don't have any children you know? So I can only imagine how painful that might be.

 

I've had cats though, and I love them to death! My ex still has one of my cats, and I cried so hard, it hurt me to not see him.

 

So children, are a big deal, espicially when they are your own. Take your time, follow your heart. Seek advice, and support from family and friends. That can help you get throuh almost any situation.

 

Some things just aren't socially acceptable. What can I say about that? But not everything is the way it appears.

 

I've learned to take things on a case by case basis.

 

I know that personally, I'm no longer quick to judge.

 

Actually, the more I live the less judgemental I become, LOL! But I think that is definitely a blessing.

 

It has made me closer to my friends.

 

I know that a long time ago, my friend told me that I had changed, that I was more open-minded, and I can tell that she really appreciated it.

 

So it made me feel really good to hear her say that.

 

Like for example.

 

I have a friend that I love with allll of my heart. And she was in a situation that most people would consider extremely scandelous.

Um, it has to do with lesbianism (sp?), and being with someone she probably shouldn't have been with.

 

But you know what? I couldn't judge her. I love her soooo much. I know her, you know?

 

So I was there to help her. When she asked for my views, I listened.

 

LOL! I kind of blamed the girl she was with though, but I don't really know her that well.

 

I guess I'm trying to say, that people aren't always the most understanding.

 

I used to not be so understanding when it came to certain things.

 

With my friend, if any outsider knew what was going on, whew! They would rip her to shreads with their words, they would crucify her, you know?

 

And she doesn't deserve that, she is such a sweet person.

 

I didn't agree with what she was doing, not the same-gender thing, but the other complicated part. But I love her, and I support her.

 

So, I don't know.

 

Sometimes people aren't understanding, but you can't really blame them for it.

 

When people have good intentions, that means everything to me.

 

Like yesterday, my friend said things to me that really, really hurt me.

But I know she had good intentions, so I just feel the pain and love her anyway.

 

I don't know, human relationships are extremely complicated. More complicated that I ever could have imagined.

 

Just keep your head up. You know your heart and your intentions. Don't let others bring you down.

 

Sometimes it's hard to take with others have to say. But as long as they have good intentions, it makes things a lot easier to handle.

 

Best of luck to you, k.

 

Keep your head up.

 

It sounds like you are doing your best to be a good person. So just continue to be you.

 

~Grace

[Aurian]

Sometimes people come on here wanting to hear the bald truth, when they`ve been hiding from it for so long. They ignore things from their family and friends because they think those opinions are biased either way. Its harder to ignore what people online who never met you or the other person have to say.

 

Although yes, a lot of our advice will be biased because those who find this place have been through some rough times. I know I am more likely to "spot" abuse in a post than J. Random Poster.