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mutual break-up isn't so mutual anymore....

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Hello everyone....

well I'm a 26 year old single lesbian, and full-time college student. Most of my time right now is devoted to school, so I probably wouldn't be the best girlfriend right now anyway because of the time constraints I'm dealing with due to my classes. However, that fact does little to help me with these wistful feelings I have over my ex-girlfriend.

She and I had only been together for five months, after which we had a mutual break-up because we both had some things in our lives we wanted to attend to and just didn't feel we'd have time to do that if we also had to handle a relationship. We were also starting to argue a lot, but not over anything incredibly significant. It was basically just arguments over trivial stuff. But neither one of us are people who enjoy arguing, and I for one could definitely not handle arguing so often. So, we parted ways as a couple, although it was on very good terms, and we've remained very good friends ever since. Both of us also left open the idea of one day possibly getting back together. And honestly, in the back of my mind, I always thought we would eventually get back together. We broke up December of last year (2002), so this December it will be a year since we were together.

Since that time, after I felt like I had gotten to a more stable point and had set out some clear goals for myself and started to meet them, I tried dating a few other people. But nothing ever really felt right, it just never had the same strength of chemistry that there was with my ex. I'm not sure how many people she's dated since we broke up last year, but I do know that she's dating someone right now. This girl she's seeing now is really the only person I know for sure she has dated since she and I broke up, and I'm not quite sure when exactly they started dating, but it hasn't been for too long.

Ok, so now that I've given a little background, I'll get to my point! The problem is this: the break-up is no longer mutual between us. When she and I broke up, it was on very good terms. We were both fine with it, and things were ok. But the thing is, my feelings for her didn't just go away when we broke up. I kind of put my feelings for her on the back burner, thinking that we would probably get back together later after we both had some time to clear our heads and take care of some of our own business. And at one point in time, a few months later (I believe around last February) we almost did get back together. But the arguing thing came up again, so I just made the decision to stop trying. But I know now that to stop trying was the WRONG choice. I love the girl, I love her more than I have words to explain, and I seriously want to TRY again. The only problem is that she's now dating this other girl. I'm not the kind of person to go and cause trouble for people who are already dating, I can't stand the thought of that. And I definitely don't want to cause my ex trouble, I care about her too much to go stirring things up. I don't want to make this other girl feel threatened, because then it'd would only cause problems for my ex to deal with, and that'd stress her out and I don't want that. But at the same time, I just can't get my ex out of my mind. She treated me better in our relationship than anyone else I've ever dated, heck she's treated me better than any of my friends have! She's an incredibly wonderful, big-hearted person. And during the times that we were getting along and not arguing, we had a wonderful time together. The things we argued over really were insignificant things, and many of my friends and family members have told me that the argument part of it could be worked on, something that could be fixed. I desperately want another chance with her, I know that if I had another chance I wouldn't need another one. In a lot of ways, I feel like I let her down and wasn't as determined as I should have been for her. But I do love her very much and really honestly do want to be back with her, I cannot imagine being with another woman and feeling the same way about that woman as I do about my ex. I love this girl (errh, I mean, "boy"....that's an inside joke) with all of my heart and soul, and cannot imagine living my life without her there beside me. We'll always be friends, and friends is definitely something special, and also definitely better than nothing at all. But it still can't quite measure up to having their with you that one person who you know is your soul mate.

So now that I've layed my poor tattered heart on the table, any suggestions from anyone? I'm wondering a couple of things. The first thing is, should I make a conscious effort to get her back, or should I just let things play out naturally and see where time takes things? And the other thing is, if I should start making some efforts to get her back, what efforts should I make? What are some specific things I can do to better my chances? Also, even if I shouldn't make a conscious effort right now to get her back, I still want to do the right things and act the right way so that I'll better my chance of getting back with her if her current relationship doesn't work out. So, are there any suggestions on that?

Please, don't be shy about this, I'll welcome any advice I can get. I'm at a loss for what I should do. Please help! And thanks very much for listening

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Well, I've never been in your situation, but it sounds like it's going to take one thing: patience! You obviously care a lot, and are very thoughtful - someone less so would forge ahead despite the damage they might do.


I've found that the best relationships I've had were with people I met not because I was trying, but because I wasn't trying! The harder you try to get back with this girl, the more frusterated you'll get and as a result the more desperate and potentially reckless. Even when you're trying to do the best thing for everyone, sometimes missing or wanting someone a lot can mask potential consequences that you'd have otherwise seen.


In my humble opinion, take it easy. Surely, there will be those who disagree. And maybe they're right - the infinite facets of the human character make that impossible to predict. But if I were in your shoes, I'd try (and beg/pray for) the patience to see it through in your potential partner's good time.

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