I feel broken, like I don't care as much any more. Is this normal?

[jhinesis]

So, I know I've posted my "issues" several times before on this board. I just need some advice for these feelings I'm experiencing right now. I'm currently seeing my ex again and things are good between us. Great, actually. He's moving in next month and we're planning a new life together. However, a part of me feels differently about him than I did the first time around.

 

We were together for a total of seven years last time. The first two years were an exclusive relationship, the last five were *technicially* "open"(friends with benefits), though I never dated anyone else and didn't like the idea of being "open" at all. He did date someone else though, near the end of our relationship. He hid the other relationship from me because he knew it would hurt my feelings, but I found out about it(seriously though, I like I wasn't going to notice that he all the sudden didn't want to have sex with me???). Even though I knew he was within his right do so(because it was an open relationship-by his choice), it still hurt more than anything I have ever experienced and I felt betrayed. I tried to pretend it was ok though and tried to show him and his friends that I was "cool with it" for several months, though it ate away at me inside when I knew he was leaving me to spend the night with this other girl(who thought I was just his friend). Finding out about it caused the downfall of our relationship. I became depressed and turned to an online game to take my mind off my problems, which unfortnately for him continued to occupy me even after his relationship with this other girl ended. I left him shortly after and met someone new, became engaged, however we would see each other(strickly as friends, I was not going to cheat on my fiance) every month or so. He did NOT take my news of being engaged well. I think that at this time he probably felt the same type of pain that I had upon learning about the other girl. However, he couldn't get over the fact that I was with this other guy so I had to cut contact with him. And so I did for 2 years, in which time my other relationship ended.

 

We've been back in contact for several months now and he has expressed sincere regret for this past actions and decisions and has decided that he only wants to be with me and that what he had done before was a mistake. However, it's different now though; the way I feel about him. I love him, but I feel detached from him. I can't help it. You know how in every relationship, whether you'll admit it or not, one person always cares more about the other. I was that person in the last relationship. He knew he was in control. He knew just what to say to "pull rank" with me. He knew if a fight ended badly, I'd be the one to call him right back and apologize or if he tried to leave that I'd follow him out to the car and ask him to stay as he drove off. However, I'm not that person any more and I think he's thrown by it. The tables have most definitely turned. I love him and I love being with him and I like thinking about our future together, but I also feel like if I had too(like if I found out something bad about him, say he was cheating), I'd cut contact with him in a heartbeat and it wouldn't be that big of a deal to me. It wouldn't feel good, but it wouldn't "destroy" me so to speak like before.

 

When we have arguments now, I'm now more likely to hang up on him or to storm off without him. Or to just ignore him completely or go to bed. If he threatens to leave now I'm more likely to say something indifferent like "well, have a nice night" and he'll just stand there and act dumbfounded. I've also become rather "playfully mean" with him. He'll say something like "I love you" and I'll reply "Yeah, I GUESS I love you too" or "Aww, I kinda like you too", completely joking, but he's taken notice that I'm different than before. It seems like he's had to become the one who cares more now because he's afraid I'll leave him again.

 

Is this normal, for me to feel this way? Will it go away? Is this healthy for our new budding relationship? It feels very much like a guard or wall that I've put up to "shield" myself and I can't help but feel that it's here because of all the pain and heartbreak I endured the first time. I'm really trying to get over it and start over though... Advice?

[Entropy Smith]

You've evolved...remember the person who cares the least in a relationship wields the power...to some degree you don't respect him...I'd move on...at some piont relationships have to be about trust and not power struggles...he hasn't evovled...you need a man...he is still a boy.

[StretchGee]

I read your post and I hear resentment and trust issues. Maybe the love you speak of in one paragraph is masked by the resentment you harbor. Given that you broke off an engagement for this man, there may be real love there but it is just masked by the resentlent and anger.

 

If you can talk through the anger with him, that would be best. If not, perhaps a therapist can help.