I must be addicted to emotional pain - please help

[cant find my smile]

Hi all,

 

My ex broke up with me almost 3 months ago, saying he didn't know if I was the one etc. We have been in light contact and he has been calling a little more now than he was, the conversations are always really relaxed and fun.

 

Last night we had dinner together and then I slept over at his place, and yes, slept with him. Not his fault, I wanted to just as bad as him, and this is probably the 6th time since our break up that we have hooked up. I told him I didn't want to just be a booty call or a friends with benefits relationship, and he said we definitely aren't that but he doesn't know what we are.

 

I know for sure he hasn;t been with anyone else since our break up (yes, I trust him), and I know he is still confused about us. I know that I should just completely cut him off sexually and make him figure out what he wants but to be honest I am the one who initiated the sex so it is my own fault.

 

I am trying to move on (going on my first post-break up date next week) but I can't seem to get over the notion that maybe we will be together again.

 

Do I keep going like this and pretending I am ok with this casual relationship as long as neither of us is seeing someone else? Or should I go no contact, or at least no physical contact until he can give me what I want? Not sure that ultimatums work that great with him, and as painful as it is to be physical with him and not with him emotionally, I seem to be ok living with that for now because I believe we will be in a relationship again.

 

Help...need advice...maybe I really just need to be smacked upside the head.

[Jeffrey2095]

Well, as long as you are willing to deal with the pain or potential pain...

 

I guess until you meet someone else?

 

Personally, I would NC because it seems like just prolonging the inevitable.

 

At least a time apart might help you decide if it is really salvagable.

 

Jeffr

[volpe]

you are not the first and not the last.

 

but the truth is, that while you are not in a relationship and desiring one... you can't have sex... unless you are o.k. with a FWB situation, which you are not.

gotta stop the sex, you can do it in a way that is kind honest and open and that will not reduce your chances of reconciliation and it will increase your chances of healing and not feeling bad....

[JadedStar]

Truth is you are an FWB right now as there are no strings attached. I have a feeling that is going to cause you much pain, so now that you recognize it make the decision to not have anymore contact.

 

If he is confused leave him completely ALONE to make the decision. If you are never gone, how will he ever know if he truly misses you?

 

And if it were easy sites like ENA wouldn't exist. It takes a lot of willpower to move on from a bad situation. You are not alone. You have to realize tho it won't be easy and it will take a lot of huge effort to redirect your energies elsewhere. But it can be done.

 

I dont' think you are addicted to emotional pain. I think you do what most folks do who still have feelings for the ex and that is you try to heal your hurt with little temporary liasions hoping that will fill the void but then when the ex is gone again the hurt comes back TENfold.

[istillluvu06]

I just went through the same thing and it's not a happy place to be.....Limbo land

[cant find my smile]

I just feel like if we are still involved with each other I know he isn't moving on completely, and I know I am still in his life.

 

I am really not concerned that he is going to start dating someone else right now (he travels ALL the time for work so is only home 1-2 nights a week).

 

Is it horrible that I am willing to do this, or am I just sabatoging any chance of being in a real relationship with him?

[HyruleGuardian]

I've been in a situation like yours before and it really does suck. It will go along fine for awhile but then one of you will start questioning what you really are, and no doubt there will be confusion. If you aren't officially dating right now, then you aren't together. What if he starts dating someone else, then what will you do?

 

I can say from experience that it is a confusing and tough situation but you have to be strong and tell him how you feel. Talk it over with him and see what he says. These types of relationships rarely work.

[redroses13]

seriously, if he has taken this long to decide what he wants dont you think that should tell you something.. I have the same sort of situation and im telling you the best thing to do is just let him go , stop * * * * ing him because right now thats all your relationship is..

[JadedStar]

I just feel like if we are still involved with each other I know he isn't moving on completely, and I know I am still in his life.

 

I am really not concerned that he is going to start dating someone else right now (he travels ALL the time for work so is only home 1-2 nights a week).

 

Is it horrible that I am willing to do this, or am I just sabatoging any chance of being in a real relationship with him?

 

Even tho he is traveling that doesn't mean he may not meet someone he is interested in. That is skewed logic to feel he won't be dating because he travels a lot.

 

 

 

Many men who travel for work meet and date people.

 

I just feel like if we are still involved with each other I know he isn't moving on completely, and I know I am still in his life.

 

 

This is so unhealthy and clingy.

 

You are holding on to false hope that is going to keep you in a state of despair. YOu need to let him move on. He is not looking for a relationship with you so eventually there WILL be someone else and you are prolonging the inevitable.