Heartbroken flirtations

[bluestar]

I'm trying to heal through a break up which kicked off a few months ago. I didn't want it to end but he suddenly started to be VERY different. He started to become quite egotistical where he had always been so well adjusted, hurtful and mean where he had been caring and loving.

I am heartbroken, trust me.

Anyhow, someone has come into my world recently who is really attractive and seems to be putting out the signals that would suggest he is interested. I'm know I'm not ready to date (I still have feelings for my ex) but I'm strangely excited by this mans attention. We will be working together on something for a while. Shall I play along with the flirtation and see what happens?

[Orlander]

Yes. The quickest way to get over someone is to find someone new. Allowing another man's attention/affections will be difficult at first but it will be therapeutic for you.

[barbielovesmac]

Yes!!!

 

If you don't try and move on then you will never. Getting to know someone new may be the best way to heal and move on.

 

It's completely normal to get excited by male attention while going through a breakup. Just the simple fact that you are getting excited means that you are on your way.

 

I'd say give it a chance. Go slow. Just see what happens

 

It's all about healing and moving on, you've got to do it somehow. And dwelling on it isn't the way to do it!

[Hope75]

Yes. The quickest way to get over someone is to find someone new. Allowing another man's attention/affections will be difficult at first but it will be therapeutic for you.

 

Well...... this tends to backfire when later you realize that you still have feelings for the ex and you can't commit yourself to the new guy you've developed feelings for, and it ends up being a mess.

 

My suggestion is to keep your distance. You've said you know you aren't ready for something new- perhaps you should listen to your gut on this one.

[Orlander]

I fell for a woman I worked with about a month after a 3 year relationship ended. I know a lot of it was a transference of feelings I did have to the woman I worked with but the woman I worked with was a lot of what i was looking for.

 

My ex did the same thing. Fell in love right away. After the two years I have had since she left, I would rather just fallen for someone right away even if it wasnt the one i was "meant" to be with.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well...... this tends to backfire when later you realize that you still have feelings for the ex and you can't commit yourself to the new guy you've developed feelings for, and it ends up being a mess.

 

My suggestion is to keep your distance. You've said you know you aren't ready for something new- perhaps you should listen to your gut on this one.

 

I am with Hope on this one. People who choose to date and have relationships in order to get over someone else are being very unfair to the other person who ends up learning that they were rebound and that the person wasn't interested in getting to know them...they were only interested in the ego boost in order to numb the pain of the break up. It is pretty selfish to consider dating someone else when not over an ex. It generally backfires. Just because someone pays attention to you, doesn't mean you have to take them up on it if you are not in a healthy place emotionally. A new relationship won't heal you...it will just put the pain on the back burner until the honeymoon period is over....and then the suppressed pain will come to the surface and you will realize that the new relationship was not real.

[Orlander]

Sometimes, especially for the dumper, its part of the healing process to start dating again relatively quickly. The woman I worked with that I fell for was a much better person than my ex. We ended up not working out but I never regretted for an instance having feelings for her especially when it was my ex that broke up with me.

[Hope75]

How fair is it to the new person you are essentially using to get over an ex?

 

How do you think they feel when you ultimately bail because you can't honestly give yourself 100% to someone when you heart is with someone else?

[audrey]

Just remenber this...to not get a third person hurt, try to get to know him very good and be both friends.

[need2bme]

While I understand that one may not be over someone fully, UNTIL they are ith someone else, I can tell you that this...

 

 

 

...is true.

 

Oh, and being on the nasty end of the rebound sitch, as in you ARE the REBOUND, it ain't much fun when someone figures out they really DON'T want to be with you, even if they didn't mean to.

 

It feels like complete betrayal and a if the feelings never meant a thing.

[Orlander]

Of my last two long term relationships (totally 7 years) one took 2 months to find someone after breaking up with me the other took nearly 5 months. So, I guess they werent necessarily rebound relationships but both led me on to believe there was hope and a possible future for us together.

 

In no way am I saying its therapeutic to go out immediately and find someone to help lessen the pain, but after a couple of months its nearly always in your best interest to begin the dating process again, even if you dont want to. That is, unless you are just a complete mess as a person and have many issues you need to sort through before you can even have a successful relationship with someone.

[-BK-]

I'm trying to heal through a break up which kicked off a few months ago. I didn't want it to end but he suddenly started to be VERY different. He started to become quite egotistical where he had always been so well adjusted, hurtful and mean where he had been caring and loving.

I am heartbroken, trust me.

Anyhow, someone has come into my world recently who is really attractive and seems to be putting out the signals that would suggest he is interested. I'm know I'm not ready to date (I still have feelings for my ex) but I'm strangely excited by this mans attention. We will be working together on something for a while. Shall I play along with the flirtation and see what happens?

 

If you feel like you aren't ready to date, then you aren't. If you feel like you are ready to flirt, but not be serious, then that's what you're ready for. My only advice is this:

 

1) Be honest with the guy when necessary (i.e. if he thinks he wants to date you more seriously, let him know you aren't emotionally available).

2) Enjoy the flirting, if you can. Those activities help you move on quicker.

3) Don't ignore your healing process, just because you have found someone to divert some of your grief. You still need to feel good about you before you can love again.

[bluestar]

Hey BK I think were on the same page. There's no way I'd lead him down the garden path, but I suppose theres nothing wrong with letting someone admire you and maybe giving a bit of attention back. Thinking this through over the last few days has made me feel alot clearer and I know I'm not ready to go into another relationship-thats a strong feeling!......Just wish I could stop missing him now!!

Thanks for all the replies

[bridgid8]

If you feel like you aren't ready to date, then you aren't. If you feel like you are ready to flirt, but not be serious, then that's what you're ready for. My only advice is this:

 

1) Be honest with the guy when necessary (i.e. if he thinks he wants to date you more seriously, let him know you aren't emotionally available).

2) Enjoy the flirting, if you can. Those activities help you move on quicker.

3) Don't ignore your healing process, just because you have found someone to divert some of your grief. You still need to feel good about you before you can love again.

 

I absolutely agree with this. I don't think there is anything wrong with testing the waters as long as you are aware of your feelings and where you are with your healing. Time will tell if the flirtation is just excitement. BK right on with the questions you should be asking yourself. I think you should try to enjoy yourself and be aware, for you and him.

[bluestar]

Well Im here to tell you that the flirtation is nothing more than that, innocent appreciation of the other person, man to woman. I have no serious interest in him and he, I'm sure, feels the same. It was an ok distraction actually. I think when you break up with someone you love, it takes a while for anyone to even come close. But its good to feel alive again, if only for a few moments here and there.