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Relationship Addiction? I have never let go.


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My relationship with my ex-boyfriend has finally come to an end. He's moved out and we are trying to "be friends". We talk every day and it leaves me wanting more from after each conversation. As we do this I begin to realize that I have never in my life left a relationship without getting into another one immediately to fill that void. I'm not sure if anyone knows how it feels to not be able to leave a realtionship at all. I know that all the text books say don't befriend your ex and just get over it already, but I truly love him. I don't want to be with someone else at all. I just don't know what to do. There is no busy activity or tropical island on this earth that makes me feel as wonderful as when I'm with him or keeps him off of my mind. I've tried keeping busy and things. I don't know what to do. unmemorize his phone number? He always answers and he will usually see me whenever I suggest doing something. I don't know how to just not call him and move on.

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I feel bad for you, but I'm in the same spot.


It's really tough to let go of someone, especially someone you love and care about. When you're forced to let go, it's kind of demoralizing and it makes you wonder what the whole point in loving someone and caring for someone is if you have to let go of them someday.


I'm wrestling with the same problem. But here the thing: you are only going to get more hurt if you try to stay friends with him. Just keep that in the back of your mind. If he's going to come back, he's going to without your help. Think about it...if you dumped him and then realized you made a mistake, wouldn't you do EVERYTHING in your power to get him back? So I'd try to just let go of him for right now.


And that's where my whole problem comes in. I'm heartbroken. We were meant to be. We were talking about marriage, but she had a change of heart. I wanted to stick around and maybe show here that I'm a good friend and she should want me in her life. But that didn't work.


I only got more hurt when I started pushing her to reconsider. She said I was pushing her away and it got so bad she eventually told me she never loved me at all. That was a MAJOR blow, but I don't believe it for a second.


But I decided I needed to let go. I'm going on two full weeks of NC right now, and for the first week, I was smooth sailing. Right now, I feel terrible!!! I want to contact her in the worst way. I want to tell her I want to fall asleep with her in my arms. But I can't do that anymore. I have to accept it's over.


I hope you're able to let go, even though you don't want to. I'm sure your better judgement is telling you to let go. It's probably your heart that's stopping you.


Tell him you want another chance (if that's the situation) and if he won't work with you, tell him you love him too much to stay friends. Tell him you feel rejected and you'll never be happy if he's just another friend in your life. Tell him not to contact you unless he wants to work things out someday.


Good luck!

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I'm in the same boat, just read my post above (below?) yours. I've been with my bf for 4 yrs, broke up, slept together for awhile until he found a rebound, stopped talking, contacted each other, "tried" to be friends. Ended up sleeping together again. Well, if you read my post, this is one of the few "amazing" things he ended up doing to me.


My point is don't be friends with your ex, if you're not over him. Anything he does will be followed by your emotional reaction. I'm very hurt, and I should've let go long time ago. Now I feel that it's getting harder and harder, and I just get more and more humiliated every single time. Because if someone wants to move on, they will do hurtful things to prove themselves right.


And of course, he never says no when I suggest we meet up because "he is not strong enough", and he also called me every single day before it got very messed up.

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Yes this is very common. I just replied to a topic almost identical, and this is what i wrote there...the FWB part may not apply but the part about longing for more everytime you talk to him is common and this is why it is not a good idea to try to do the "lets be good friends" thing with an ex. I advise you to move on, and most people DO jump from relationship to relationship to avoid the pain...recognize it and break your pattern!


Truth is you are an FWB right now as there are no strings attached. I have a feeling that is going to cause you much pain, so now that you recognize it make the decision to not have anymore contact.


If he is confused leave him completely ALONE to make the decision. If you are never gone, how will he ever know if he truly misses you?


And if it were easy sites like ENA wouldn't exist. It takes a lot of willpower to move on from a bad situation. You are not alone. You have to realize tho it won't be easy and it will take a lot of huge effort to redirect your energies elsewhere. But it can be done.


I dont' think you are addicted to emotional pain. I think you do what most folks do who still have feelings for the ex and that is you try to heal your hurt with little temporary liasions hoping that will fill the void but then when the ex is gone again the hurt comes back TENfold.

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  • 3 months later...
  • 4 months later...

Think of it this way. You are a beautiful human being. You WILL find someone else who will love you BETTER than the last guy. I am in the same boat. We've been broken up for 3 months now. The first week was smooth sailing. I felt strong. But then as time passes, even when I have other priorities, I can't stop thinking about the guy. And he was actually the worst boyfriend that I have ever had! Go figure! My friend told me the reason why I was even with him was because I knew no better. And she's right. My father was horrible. And I never had high self esteem. So, I thought that the last guy was supposedly the best. Well, he wasn't. Love and finding the ideal person do not go hand in hand. The person can be the most selfish person who treats you badly with hundreds of flaws and your friends and family can hate that person, but your heart UNFORTUNATELY is LOGIC-DEFYING.


I know this may sound harsh, but STOP WHINING about it and stop feeling sorry for yourself and him. MEN ARE DIME A DOZEN. Remember that. You will find someone else. It may take years, but patience is the key to success. And I think the best thing for you to do is to stop going from one relationship to the next. It's not healthy. After this last break up, I vowed to never fall in love again. And instead change my priorities around. Concentrate on my career. The best revenge is living life fully and being successful and happy with whatever you choose to do. Show him/her that you will become better. There should be no regrets. Just change. The reason why I made such a vow, was so that I could kick myself in the butt and get out of this ridiculous emotional rut. Love will find me, I'm sure. And even if it doesn't, I can only lead my life the best I know how. NEVER SETTLE. Be selfish! Be angry. Someone BETTER will come along. Never ever settle for what you think might be right, when there are doubts. Don't allow your emotions to weaken you. You're a smart person. There was a reason why you guys broke up. Give him up already! There's no "I can'ts". Of course you can. Be strong. And remember, you are better than this. You are worth more than this. Let him go! And do NOT hope he'll find his way back. Concentrate on more important things. When you concentrate on making yourself better... other people see it and want that cause it comes off as strong and confident. Before you know it, the right person will come along. But never settle! Settling is for cowards. I don't get how people go from one relationship to the next. I get hit on all the time, but I am too strong and too picky to allow just anyone into my life. I can take care of myself. Companionship is so much better when it's with the right person.


You want to be with someone wo reflects who you are. Pick someone that you can be proud of or that you would want to be like. If that person is someone that you do not want to be anything like... then you know the decision. If that means you have to be prejudice and a snob, so be it. But I want only the best. And in order to be the best I can only be WITH the best in the world. "The bad folk help us to shoot for higher standards."


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presense automatically liberates others."


UPDATE: I am glad you are "over him". It was never ever your fault. Never take the blame. You were right in what you did.

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There's a book mentioned on this site called "Don't Call that Man". I got it from the library a few days ago and it is really helping me. I'm only going on day 5 of NC but I don't even have the urge to call him. This book really makes me think and I recommend it to anyone going through a rough time with a breakup.

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I too wrestle with the same problem. I am trying to not call THAT man, succeed in other avenues in my life. My heart is broken, a million pieces. But I know deep down success is the best "revenge" (I don't really like that word).


I want to buy that book but its hard to come by in Australia. A local bookshop is supposed to have copies in next week...I might bite the bullet and buy it online.

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PS. My ex used to meet up with me for a coffee and a chat every time I called. But when he met his rebound he changed his phone number. That stung beyond belief. But I know what he did is a blessing in disguise.


Makes me feel like a freak, stalker-type although....

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Yep I reserved a copy at the bookshop today for when the shipment arrives.

It seems to have a good reputation this Findling book...fairly cheap too, only $17. Thats good for an import to Australia.


I am looking forward to it arriving. The only self-help book I have ever (half) read was "They * * * * you up" by Oliver James. And I got that only because I liked the name!


I have also been browsing itunes for hypnosis audiobooks. There is one called "Heal Your Broken Heart" by Dr Janet Hall. I have been going to a psychotherapist for counselling and hypnotherapy. It has been good but gets $$$. When I get some more money I might download a couple and give them a go.

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I am definitely going to buy 'Dont call that Man" also. I have it from the library Its due back later this month, but I want it for myself. I just finished reading it yesterday and there are parts that I read over. I also want it in case I have a weak moment and want to call him. Today is exactly one week since Ive been doing NC and I'm proud of myself. I know its only been a week, but I would always give in and call him. The longest I ever went without talking to him was a week, but this time I going to keep going with NC. I know its because of the book that Ive been able to keep it up. It really makes you think.

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I just saw my ex's photo on another woman's link removed page. I read an email from her in his inbox in the past where she called him "baby" and also when he and i were together, where she continued to communicate with him ending her messages with "oxoxoxo". He would brush it off and say that she was married. But she put herself as 'single' on her MySpace page. And the pic she has of my ex on her myspace "pics" page is of him in his bedroom. I can't tell if he took it of himself or if someone else did. But it killed me. I broke down crying. I haven't seen anyone since the breakup. I refused to do so.


He is worthless and NOT the type of man your family would approve of. He has quite a bad past. I tell myself, "She can have him!" Because if she can accept the bad side of him and wants that sort of man in her life, then she must not think very highy of herself. I have no regrets in life and i can sit here and say it was a 'huge mistake' that I ever went out with him for a year. But everything happens for a reason. I KNOW I made the right decision by leaving the relationship. I know I did. But it just killed me when I saw that this woman had a photo of him. It's like watching a bad crash... you can't take your eyes off of it. The woman doesn't seem to be pretty and she doesn't seem like his type, but whatever. I don't know what they have between each other. But after I got over the initial shock of seeing his photo on her myspace album... I thought to myself... well, why should I be upset? Do I want to be back with him? HELL NO! He treated me badly in the relationship.


Love is truly blinding. It really is. I don't think I will ever trust again. Trust? LOL... oh boy... how gullible one can be. I thought that maybe I should just move on and date again, but I don't think that's the answer. I can't have any distractions in my life right now. I need to concentrate on more important things. Plus, I want to raise my standards. I don't want to be with someone that does not strive to be the best for himself and that does not respect me.


God, this can be hard... But I'll get through this. I just have to remember that I do NOT want him in my life. So, I'll let it be.

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I agree love is blinding. It makes your common sense fly right out the door and makes you do stupid things you never thought you'd do. But just realize-no one is worth losing your pride and self-respect. A real relationship should build your self esteem not tear it down.

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It's Karma. The ole what comes around goes around. You left previous relationships with a fall back guy. That to me is like cheating, and displays low self value. The time is now to grow up and face the problems head on, otherwise you will float from relationship to relationship with out ever having value in them. Yeah it may take longer to heal, but why settle for anything just to ease the pain.

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  • 2 months later...
I am definitely going to buy 'Dont call that Man" also. I have it from the library Its due back later this month, but I want it for myself. I just finished reading it yesterday and there are parts that I read over. I also want it in case I have a weak moment and want to call him. Today is exactly one week since Ive been doing NC and I'm proud of myself. I know its only been a week, but I would always give in and call him. The longest I ever went without talking to him was a week, but this time I going to keep going with NC. I know its because of the book that Ive been able to keep it up. It really makes you think.


I was actually reading "Don't Call That Man" the other day at the bookstore. I'm going to by it for myself (I'm a dude) because in my last two relationships I felt like I was the feminine energy. I was the one willing to talk about our problems and my last two exes were both the ones who wanted to bottle up their emotions. My own sister would frequently admonish me saying, "Quit being the female!"


Anyway, I read about town pages and realized that when ever the author used the term "man", I can just replace it with "woman" and it totally works.


I'm going back and buying it tomorrow night.

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  • 3 weeks later...


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