Whoa! Why didn't I see this before?

[love4life]

This JUST popped into my head. I hadn't given this any thought at the time, and I'd forgotten about it until just this moment.

 

My ex actually told me once, "I sometimes wish my mother were dead." He wanted this because she had problems (medicated manic-depressive, like him, and an alcoholic - which I think he's on his way to becoming) and was very dependent on her three sons (my ex being the youngest) financially.

 

This just makes me realize now how selfish and loveless a person he really is. He doesn't care about her well-being, he cares about how her existence affects his life. Once again, it's all about him.

 

No wonder he dumped me. Thinking about someone other than himself makes him resentful and angry.

[hopefulromantic79]

This JUST popped into my head. I hadn't given this any thought at the time, and I'd forgotten about it until just this moment.

 

My ex actually told me once, "I sometimes wish my mother were dead." He wanted this because she had problems (medicated manic-depressive, like him, and an alcoholic - which I think he's on his way to becoming) and was very dependent on her three sons (my ex being the youngest) financially.

 

This just makes me realize now how selfish and loveless a person he really is. He doesn't care about her well-being, he cares about how her existence affects his life. Once again, it's all about him.

 

No wonder he dumped me. Thinking about someone other than himself makes him resentful and angry.

Whoa...that's not good. My ex said he didn't like his parents, but didn't want them dead (that I know of). Geez...you are so better off without this guy it's not even funny. Isn't it amazing how we gloss over what these men say/do when in a realtionship even when it is clearly disturbing?

[i_love_chocolate]

Definitely, that was very selfish of him to say. Speaking of selfishness, on the few break ups I attempted with my ex, she became devastated, cried, begged and once wanted to commit suicide. Then there was one time I broke up with her and she was totally fine. I was surprised. Now that I think about it, I know why she wasn't upset: she was cheating on me! A total act of selfishness. Anyway, sorry to ramble but I hope you heal quickly

[Jess...]

Isn't it amazing how we gloss over what these men say/do when in a realtionship even when it is clearly disturbing?

 

Whoa is right! And I completely agree with the above quote.

 

Love is blind, L4L, it truly is - that's why you didn't see this before. That is really selfish of him. I could never even bring myself to think something like that about my parents - let alone say it out loud to someone else! What would he have thought had you gotten sick?? You're way better off without him - and I hope YOU see it.

[RayKay]

Hmm, I am not sure saying that means he really wishes she was.

 

Sometimes when someone feels someone is always "taking" or is living such an unhealthy life, they can have those thoughts cross their mind even where they know that is not what they really want; they just don't know how to deal with that frustration and it is a way to admit yes...sometimes they do feel it is too much. I would say many taking care for a very sick parent can sometimes feel this hopelessness at it all.

 

It may have been his way of just saying he felt really exhausted at the responsibility at times - especially if he too is manic-depressive it may also of been a way to transfer his own feelings about his own "life" onto her. He feels miserable, and may feel she is too and wishes her some peace. I don't think he was saying he did not care necessarily, just that he was so tired of being the "parent" to his own parent.

 

I really think the fact he is manic-depressive himself accounts for that statement.

[Orlander]

I wish my mother the peace she deserves since I have been unsuccessful in getting her out of her depressed state of mind. I often feel the only way for her to ever find that peace is if she were to pass away. Thinking that gives me a sense of peace because I know she wouldnt be suffering anymore.

 

Maybe your ex felt the same way.

[FreedomRing]

L4L--we all get these pop-up, repressed thoughts every now and then post-break up that were red flags during the rel....I expect you to have even more as time progresses..or less..who knows..

 

But one thing I wanted to share with you, perhaps another angle to look at that sort of comment, is the whole mother & son relationship..I'm sure you know of that theory...notice how a son treats his mother...it's a good indicator of how he will treat the women in his life...or at the least THE woman of his life....

 

I find this to be true with my ex..and as a matter of fact..even with my ex, ex..I sure know how to pick them...but at any rate..both had very estranged relationships with their moms, beginning since childhood, and both harbored very negative thoughts and perceptions of their moms as well. While it was clear they were each yearning for that bond, their resentment which progressed into adulthood prevented them from ever achieving that, AND(here's the clincher) also will prevent them from ever developing, healthy, mature relationships with lovers as well....something to think about...it's true..(IMO).

[love4life]

sabreen, you raise a really interesting point. His way of supporting his mother was financially. In our relationship, he was always willing to pay for me, although I paid as well, at times. But he never gave emotional support to me, nor to her. This is something I'll have to keep a look out for on future dates.

 

Orlander and RayKay - I understand where you're coming from. At times during my mother's depression after my father died, she said she wished she were dead. And, since that's what she wished, I sometimes wished that for her, as well, but only because she seemed to lose all hope and I felt I had done all I could for her.

 

The thing was, though, that despite the manic-depression, his mother was quite content in life (from what I saw, anyway); she had found faith, was sober, and was happy and was even dating men. She wasn't in the same place my mother was. As for projecting his feelings for himself on to her, that's altogether possible (before he was medicated, he was suicidal several years ago). I kind of wonder if the medication was really helping him. It may have leveled off the extreme behavior, but I don't feel like he had any sort of peace with himself. I didn't realize this at the time, but looking back at the relationship, he was rarely happy, and he wanted to spend his free time either eating, sleeping or playing beer pong.

 

The one thing I asked him to do for me, in the short time we were together, was to help me move furniture into my new apartment, since I can't lift those sorts of things. He did it, but he wasn't happy doing it. I just got this feeling that his doing something for someone else that didn't involve giving them money didn't sit well in him. I almost felt guilty that he helped me in that way and that I owed him something in return (but that could just be me, since I do have a guilt complex).

 

Maybe the resentment and depression are the realizations I'm coming to and the line about his mother was just one way it manifested itself.

[need2bme]

Sometimes when someone feels someone is always "taking" or is living such an unhealthy life, they can have those thoughts cross their mind even where they know that is not what they really want; they just don't know how to deal with that frustration and it is a way to admit yes...sometimes they do feel it is too much. I would say many taking care for a very sick parent can sometimes feel this hopelessness at it all.

 

RayKay has a very good point...I am curious as if anyone ever thought, "if something bad ever happened to me" or "if I got in an accident" or "if I were dead" that would show him/her?

 

Or, if anything happened to my family of kids or whatever, "whom would I have to go to"? Now, I am not saying that those types of things are as bad as "I wish she were dead", but I know that you wouldn't mean in any of those things that you wanted to die or you wanted your children or family members dead (whether what I just mentioned is a selfish way of thinking, I will leave for you guys to think about).

 

L4L: I am not taking up for your ex at all, but I have a friend who takes care of her mom and dad. Basically her mother is blind and suffers from dementia and barely recognizes her. Her dad is getting old and cannot get around and is crabby to her quite a bit.

 

She takes care of them without a lot of help from her brother. It is as if (even when they are together, that she is left to fend for herself). She cried to me and let me know how horrible it is to not be noticed and how many emergencies she has had to take care of.

 

She loves them very much, but is still saddened greatly and hurt sometimes, by it all.

[love4life]

There's the difference between your friend and my ex. His mother doesn't even live in the area. They talk on the phone a few times a week for maybe 10-20 minutes, and he and his brothers bought her a condo. That's the extent of the support he gives her. I don't think that's burden enough to wish death upon a loved one....

[Zeter]

This JUST popped into my head. I hadn't given this any thought at the time, and I'd forgotten about it until just this moment.

Love4life,

 

This is what has been happening to me. As I just posted in another thread, I am recalling more aspects of my ex that I ignored or glossed over in my love for her during our relationship. But now these unpleasant facts begin to stand out as the rose-colored tint of my vision fades. In retrospect, my ex's selfishness now seems more evident.

 

Do we seek out these instances in our memory to help us deal with the loss, to assuage the pain, or justify our growing disdain? Maybe we should apply the "enhanced NC" strategy and block it all out. Unfortunately (or fortunately!) I can't throw a switch to turn my emotions off like that, so I am cursed to remember and then think on it.

 

Ouch! A twinge of pain. Oh well, I'm getting better.

 

Zeter