well oh well

[sfindependent]

meh. Ive pretty much accepted that we wont be together anymore. Ive moved on, and am enjoying life right now.

 

I dont deny the fact that I miss her a lot. I miss her company. She was also the most beautiful woman I've met. Amazing in bed and had the most amazing sense of humor. But she was struggling with bi polar disorder, a chaotic past and her youth. I messed up and didnt watch what I had and completely broke her trust. A lot of it was my fault but then again, she had her faults too. I struggled, we struggled but everything went downhill, especially after we broke up. I acted like a lot of us here, desperate, clingy, and annoying. Words were said but finally we implemented on NC, not on agreement but one faithful afternoon, she tried to call and I never picked up. She never did call back, and neither did I. That was over a year ago.

 

A few times, I tried to establish contact. Once after such a long time, and she seemed happy to hear from me. Agreed to meet but then a turn of events, she decided not too. She felt it would be unfair to her BF at that time and I agreed. It didnt bother me anymore. i've moved on from the thought that we'd b together once more. Bleh. the other times I texted her she seemed to be cold, avoidant. I dont want to think about why, since it can be any reason, her BF, the way that things happened to us, etc. Whatever. Anyway, it all ended when I texted her something and she texted me back saying "i''m not your friend, why are you texting me?". Other things I found out was that she was going to move in and get an apartment with her current BF. i dropped it. The funny thing was I saw her a few days later on the street. It was weird. I havent seen her in a year and all we can both say to each other was literally "gah". We walked away not saying two words. We were shocked. I watched as her boyfriend asked who I was, she hugged him and kissed him as they cross the street. I felt ok. No heartache or what not. Anyway, a couple months later, earthquake hit Cali and knowing she was from TX, texted her "welcome to cali!". she replied the next day saying her and her boy were asleep.

 

yesterday, for some reason, i spoke with my sister and aunt on two separate occasions and talked a bit about her. it was weird

 

later on that night, I dreamt of her. i lay there beside the girl I was currently dating, stood up in a jerky motion and looked around. My dream was so vivid that it left me wondering why I was dreaming of her. Maybe I was talking about her all day it left an imprint in my unconscious mind. Whatever.

 

I dont see her being part of my life as a girlfriend anymore. I've accepted the fact and am the first to admit, that I have never loved any girl like that. i mean, not just as a girlfriend but as a person. She inspired me to become the mental health professional that I am. She inspired me to think that I can be better for myself, and at the time we were together, think that I can make something for the both of us. I haven't moved on from loving her. But it still hurts that we can't even have the oppprtunity to try to become friends.

 

I really dont know what to tell her, or email her. For all I know she probably thinks i'm the same old immature b@st@rd she once knew. I know it shouldnt matter, that I should move on. Believe me, me not being affected seeing her with her man, knowing they're together right now, doesnt faze me. But again, knowing a woman I loved with all my heart is out there right now cant even be my friend is such... a pity.

[surfjon]

Man, i feel what you are going through. I really miss my wife so bad.

 

I too have vivid dreams of her, that she comes into our room and slides into bed with me and tells me how everything will be ok, we kiss and she makes love to me and then I know everything will be ok.

 

When I wake up, I've usually been crying in my sleep, and sit bolt-upright breathing hard. I usually can't sleep after these dreams and pace the empty house.

 

We were married 20 years, have 2 kids. She left me 4 months ago and it's been really hard. I have no idea how many years it'll take to get over her, and the days go by so slowly alone.

[lost_dreamer]

Bogswagen, I wish I could give you some good advice but I really don't know what to do. Surfjon, I really feel for you.

 

I miss someone very special to me too, I can't stop thinking about her and it hurts me so, so much to know we're not together. I have those kind of dreams and I've cried when I realise it's not real

[jengh]

Hey you...

I know we've talked about this a bit here and there...and I'm glad you've come to this realization... there comes a time when you really do need to move on. The dreams are the worst... they hurt so bad...when you wake up and realize that nothing is as it used to be.

 

But, on a happier note--she INSPIRED you....you definitely wouldn't be the person you are today...You have her to thank for that...everything happens for a reason...

 

if you need to talk, you have my number.