When does the Hurt Stop?

[spatulaqueen27]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have been lurking for a few weeks. However, I have finally gotten up the courage to post. This may be a long post....if it isn't I will be sure to add to my story. Feelings are still a little raw so I will write as much as I can handle.

 

I was with my man for 6 years, we were best friends for 2 before that. Recently I left him because he told me that I was no longer his priority. To make a long story short last summer we decided to move accross the country for more work opportunities. I gave up all my furniture and I threw out alot of personal stuff. I also left my friends. But he was going whether I wanted to or not so I had to follow him or lose him. Since I loved him, I followed. I know now that that was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.

 

Fast forward to late September of this year. I had moved accross the country and left my family. Funny that a good chunk of his family lived in the city we moved to. he got a good job that paid double what he made back home. He had a good condo that was provided by daddy, and his sister lived with us (a condition of us moving in) so he had his female companion. Late December he stated that his father did not want me in the condo anymore and he was not going to fight him cause he was scared of causing trouble with the family. This was the last straw and I packed what I could carry and took a 3 day Greyhound trip cross country. After I came home devastated, he told me that I am not a priority to him. I don't believe I ever was. He got what he wanted and when we were home I provided.

 

Anyhow there is MUCH more to the story but I do not want to bore y'all. Needless to say, I feel completely shattered, not to mention worthless. He blames EVERYTHING bad that ever happened in the relationship on me. He even became verbally abusive near the end.

 

Despite all that, I miss him alot and I'm very lonely. I think I have finally accepted it is over but wow, it still really hurts. When does it stop hurting and the love of life come back? I am glad you are all here and that I have someone to talk to and work this out. Everything I see, hear and watch reminds me of him and then I get angry about how he hurt me without any remorse.

 

Thanks everyone for your ear.

[melrich]

Sorry you are going through this. 6 years is a long time and it will take quite a bit of adjustment. There are lots of good posts in here about how to cope. Make sure you make yourself the number one priority now. You have to go through some heartbreak and pain, there is no avoiding that but you will get better and you will find a happy place again.

[tray25]

The hurt never stops. But lessons are worth it. Just keep busy. Look at what is happening around the world. People are losing their homes, people are getting killed and crippled in wars. Gas prices are like 5 bucks a gallon. People are dying of cancer. Chicks are acting like guys!!! Just be grateful you are healthy. Loneliness is nothing compared to what others with misfortune have to wake up to in the morning.

[ftheunion]

The hurt stops when your heart stops. Meaning death or temporary with a coma, etc.

[cabman]

The hurt never stops. But lessons are worth it. Just keep busy. Look at what is happening around the world. People are losing their homes, people are getting killed and crippled in wars. Gas prices are like 5 bucks a gallon. People are dying of cancer. Chicks are acting like guys!!! Just be grateful you are healthy. Loneliness is nothing compared to what others with misfortune have to wake up to in the morning.

 

 

 

Of course the hurt stops!! Everyone moves on in thier own time. Everyone heals in thier own time. It seems like the hurt will mever stop, but it will.

[surfjon]

The hurt doesn't "stop", it gets deflected and re-routed. If and when we find ourselves in a new relationship, I don't think we totally leave the hurt behind. It tags along with us and cautions us to think of prior mistakes and misdeeds that tripped us up in the past.

 

Don't see how I'll ever totally lose the hurt I feel of losing my wife of 20 years. Yes, it will recede and hurt a bit less every year, but will it "stop"....

 

NO WAY.

[Romans8]

are trying to help someone here debate our own feelings?

 

 

Hi Sorry to hear your going through that. i went through the same kinda situation years ago. It hurt for years and i would spend most of my time on my own and not feel like going out with friends ect. anyway The memory never goes away but how we feel about it does. when i look back and try to remember how and when the hurt feelings went i cant but i know that at some point i decided that i wouldn't be controlled by emotions anymore and they were holding me back and dictating my everyday life. love can be like a addiction and its the hardest drug to give up even if its bad for us. we can have feelings of remorse and guilt but you have to try to be assertive as possible

 

You need to talk to your friends as much as possible and let your feelings out. thats what they are there for. I swear that it gets better. you sound like a great person with loads to offer. live in hope. keep saying to yourself that you will feel better next week or tomorrow. you will be up and down like a roller coaster and it wont be easy. i swear you wont be like this for ever and it will get better. but have hope and be as proactive as possible dont sit around. dont let your feelings dictate what you do and when but fight against them as much as possible.

 

Things could work out for you and your ex but you have to not depend on it. say to yourself that if it happens then great but if it doesnt something better will happen.

 

Its hard i know but your not alone, look at all the people on here that are feeling upset and alone. post on here every few days and give a update.

[bustertypsy]

Of course the pain stops,eventually.I mean if it didn't then how come a lot of people I know who went thru this type of experience,met new partners and are probably happier then they ever were.

To say you won't heal is nonsense.Of course the way you feel now, you will find it hard to heal,but in time you will improve and be eventually ready for another relationship and once again happiness.

 

I think it is important to embrace your pain and face it head on.

This hurts like hell,but for me ,it speeds up the grieving proccess substantially.

Slowly you will notice that the pain becomes less severe,and eventually quite bearable.It is then that you will know that you will be fine.

I've been where you are and believe me,you will be brand new again.

[spatulaqueen27]

Thank you all for your kind words. I hate to know that there have been others that have gone through the same thing I have, but it is a comfort to know that there are people that Identify with me.

 

I'm afraid its over with my Ex. I have no intention of ever getting back together with him again. He has hurt me and destroyed my trust beyond repair. I am fortunate in the fact that he lives 3/4 of the way accross country. I will stick around here, you all seem like great, supportive people.

 

Feel free to PM me if that option is available

[bar35]

Spatulaqueen27 the hurt will stop when you are healed. For people it takes a minute for most it takes a lot longer than that. It still hurts for me, much less but i was not nearly as involved as you were, and it has been a little over a year.

 

The thing is it gets less debillitating. You won't find yourself tortured down the road nearly as much as you are experiencing now. It takes time and it takes energy. The more energy that you put into yourself the more that you will grow and the more that you grow the further away from the pain you will travel until it is all but a tiny black speck on the horizon instead of it being the dark curtain of night that you see now. Then, one day, that little speck will no longer be there. You will have memories, but those memories will not knock you down.

 

What you have gone through is so hard and I applaud your strength to this point. It sounds like you are functioning so that is a really good sign.

 

Also, i find it much more attractive in a woman to have been in a long time relationship that ended because of the other person. It shows me that she is capable of long term relationships, that she knows how to be committed, and that she hasn't spent her time being promiscuous. What I am saying here is that you have a great track record and nothing to be ashamed of here, regardless of your ex's cruel words. He is a fool.

 

You will be ok, but it can take, and probably will take a long time, but you never know, it may go away in a flash...

[MaNg0s]

I just got of a 6 year relationship a month ago. The first 2 weeks were horrible but now as time goes by it does not hurt as bad but I still think about her every waking moment. I miss her like crazy but I just have to move on good luck to you I don't think the pain will ever go away but it will get better.

[danlc95]

I still think about my first love from time to time. When my current (?) ex (?) decided to go on a break, I contacted the first ex, and she actually responded!

 

It took about five years to be over my first ex enough to start really getting serious again.

[spatulaqueen27]

I'm not really missing him anymore, I am just really angry at him for what he did to me. Maybe its just a stage of the grieving process.

[danlc95]

The hurting seems to taper off as you stpo looking back, and keep your eyes foreward as you walk down your new path full of new experiences, and destinations. I know it feels so lonely at times. Getting through time like this is what gives you strength, and character. I look at it as a new opportunity. I'm actually excited about dating other women!

 

It's been 8 weeks for me, with a five (one engaged) year romance, with someone who still has feelings for me, and is most likely very confused, and involved with someone else. I know that no matter what I'm going to be just peachy! ;P

[danlc95]

I'm not really missing him anymore, I am just really angry at him for what he did to me. Maybe its just a stage of the grieving process.

 

Haha yeah, there is that as well.

[princess_summer_blue84]

It never stops! It's always there!