advice on desperate impulse...

[Irene253]

I am afraid to even write this. In 3 yrs, I have said nothing. Primarily we work together, but we are friends. I work in an unconventional field for a woman, which has strengthened the desire to keep this secret. We even went to the same trade school. The first time i saw him, i ordered myself never to speak to him. Even though he tried... I pretended not to hear. I needed to get through, without being a woman. I had 2 jobs afterwards, and by some repeated stroke of luck, he had the same 2. I live in a city. It's a big place, but somehow we end up on the same doorsteps. He is a taken man. Although he still lives with his widowed mother, he does so in order to reserve funds to buy the house he searches for on his time off with his girlfriend. Although the house is never found, it is somewhat urgently sought for - as his girlfriend, being older than he, hears her biological clock ticking quite deafeningly at this point. If he is happy in all this, i do not know. He complains enough to me about his fears - though loving him as i truly do- i can do no less than defend her- whom i have never spoken to- and try my best to make him feel more secure in his future with her. I truly believe he will be unhappy, and that he knows this. However, knowing i have a selfish motive stops me dead from saying such things to him. And yes, of course, I do think he would be happy with me, but it is beyond my right to do anything but hide this from him, unless he makes a move in his own life. I wept on the way to work every morning for a month, resigned and got a job elsewhere. The company freaked out. Offered me alot to stay. I stayed, hoping to put this all aside.

I waited. Another year gone by. And now having realized that i am wasting my life waiting, have begun another relationship. Unable to tell him, i suppose this new move is a good one. However it is tainted with this other man. I have taken leave of work at the moment. to get straight. I must make a move, though it kills me to do so. I love him too much to wish myself away from him. However my life will remain in stasis if i stay near him. All the lights go on in him when we speak, he is happy, he is interested, alive, his eyes flash. he admires me. tells me so. how strong i am. how far i've made it despite everything. we share secrets, as he says, we are the only from the same planet there. i give no signs. wouldn't know how to. answer nothing at all even when he says such things. Above all i know i must not give it away.

What must i do? for my own health? for his well-being? I am ready to stop waiting. i will quit if necessary, having taken leave with this possibility clear to my company.

----Irene

[Mar]

You've said yourself that this would not work. He's with someone else he's planning on buying a house with, and of course he's going to have fears, that's a big step for him.

 

As far as you and what you do-it sounds as though you're close to obsessed with someone you obviously know you can't have, and can't seem to break away from. But you really have to, is the bottom line. If you can't do your job because his presense there is affecting it so badly, you need to leave that job. Anything less than that is pretty useless, as you seem to have stated.

 

I'm not sure why you're having such a hard time with this decision, or INdecision, as this case is, but it should be clear, from the words you yourself wrote. He's affecting your life in a negative way for you, through no fault of his, and it's an unsolvable situation for you unless you cut off all ties and leave that job.

 

There are SO many wonderful, single men out there......you said you're seeing someone, as a matter of fact. I'm not sure how old you are, or what your dating experience is, but you're doing no one any good by what you're feeling right now......you, the person you're currently dating, or this man at work. I would highly suggest that you make a complete fresh start, hard as that is to do. This includes breaking it off with your current partner, since you said it's "tainted" by your feelings for this other man. You're doing an injustice to an innocent person. And leave your job. If you have to take a leave of absense because it's so bad, it's certainly not going to improve with time. All you're doing is rubbing salt in the wounds. I'm sorry to sound so blunt, but from the sound of it, that's about your only option here. And I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with this, as well.

 

Mar

[Irene253]

don't mind the bluntness at all. am shocked to have a response so quickly. you are mostly right. Didn't expect the advice of leaving the new relationship however.though i suppose it is logical. if i had read my post, i would probably feel the same. in my own defense however, i am no idiot, though i agree that i sound like one. I listen.

thank you.

Irene