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This is why you don't have your ex back


TMinCali
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Of course, when you are with someone you think is super-hot and vice versa, the wait is killer and you still find yourself trying a little of this or a little of that. (of course a whole side convo would be whether or not this sends a message that you really aren't willing to wait) ;-)

 

That's another thing...with the whole waiting thing. Let's say you finally "do it" at 4 months. Usually is this without really anything else happening (except kissing) first or is it usually a little of this and that leading to an "Enough of this already, let's just do it!" moment?

 

For me it's always been a little of this and a little of that, not all at once.

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Yea a little bit of this that and the other, then the "sex". The only thing that can change which I don't like is when you do end up going the whole way(sound like a kid here, but you get the idea is that then often the previous this, that and the other goes by the wayside or gets less and it's down to "OK lets have sex". Now the women I would consider good in bed didn't do that, but quite a few did. They would get off quick and you would be trying to catch up. It's a journey people, not a destination*. (Jeez I sound like a woman....... ) Whole other thread beckons methinks.

 

 

 

* I usually don't hand out guide books and do a tourist guide commentary throughout though, tends to be offputting.

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Waiting is good, because it gives the relationship a chance to grow. It builds up the anticipation and hopefully stave off the infatuation that the act can bring along with it.

.

 

I agree with you. No guy has gotten to THAT point with me before 6-8 months, just been that way cos weirdly enough that's when we are truly comfortable with each other and we know that we actually have feelings of love and not just infatuation or lust and also believes that I am worth waiting for.

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  • 3 months later...

I re-read TMinCali's original post and agree with her points.

 

Unfortunately it's not always THAT easy to put into practice. My ex was "fishing" back in late November, early December. We went out a couple of times, and after the second time that he kissed me on the lips I said casually "oh, kissing me on the lips?" I just threw it out there and yes, to this day wish I hadn't.

 

So a few days later he calls and wants to talk and asks me if I was uncomfortable. I said no and he presses on. He says he does not want me to feel uncomfortable and he wonders if he should leave me alone.

 

Ok, in retrospect (and I'm trying, trying, trying NOT to live in the past and do the shoulda coulda wouldas but maybe I can help others with this) instead of being honest, perhaps I should have said that no, it didn't make me feel uncomfortable and that it felt nice. Actually, it did feel nice. It was thrilling and felt like early courtship again.

 

But INSTEAD I tried to put it back on him and said "well I guess I would wonder what YOU were feeling?" Well he (like a good politician) didn't really answer and again said that he just didn't want me to feel uncomfortable and if there was anything "floating" around then perhaps we should talk about it. So I, not having REHEARSED for this conversation, then said, "well OK we had this "thing" and then it ended, and I guess I just wonder where you are coming from with this." And then we had an unfortunate conversation where he in essense, again reiterated in so many words that he could not have continued on the path that we were on when we broke up. He said he had warm affectionate feelings for me, I was a "lovely" person, blah blah blah.

 

I don't know if one can use this as a cautionary tale or what. The fact is, we still have had no reconciliation. I still have to see him at least once a week. Friends I have talked to about this have said I had every right to ask him where he was coming from. Perhaps they are right but I feel by having this conversation that was about "where is this going" put the pressure on him again and he avoided being in the same car with me after this.

 

Everyone is different but if you are dealing with a commitment phobic man who is "fishing" I think it is best to avoid any kind of relationship talk in the early stages. He kind of backed me into a corner and I "bit". Now I tell myself that if THAT scared him off then it wasn't meant to be anyway. But still I wonder.....

 

A book I read called "Make Up Don't Break Up" also advised that taking the pressure off men is vital and "future" talk is often a sure fire way to drive them away.

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Unfortunately it's not always THAT easy to put into practice. My ex was "fishing" back in late November, early December. We went out a couple of times, and after the second time that he kissed me on the lips I said casually "oh, kissing me on the lips?" I just threw it out there and yes, to this day wish I hadn't.

 

I just had a breakthrough - that sort of comment was the sort of comment I made towards my ex quite frequently during our relationship. Because he had warned me he wasn't looking for a LTR from Day One, I put up my defenses and approached the relationship in a sort of "sarcastic" way - teased a lot, made him think I "didn't care" about things, even though I did - I was just afraid to show it. I was rarely serious with him, and made light of things far too often. I think I understand now why he walked away. And I think it is up to me to break NC now that I've gained this perspective.

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Well, I'm glad to be of help...I think! Or maybe not....

 

You are assuming that your behavior of being light, teasing, acting like you didn't care that much is what made your ex leave. Unless he specifically told you this, you actually do not have any proof that this is the case.

 

We all make assumptions about what caused our ex to leave. I assume that this conversation in Dec. where I brought up the lip kisses and very briefly brought up our relationship made my ex flee in the other direction. The fact is, we have hung out since then. In fact, he invited me out on Jan. 20th, and we spent a couple of hours together. He was slightly flirty at this meeting. But he still hasn't made a move on me, he doesn't offer to pick up me up and take me to these meetings so I ASSUME that he's not interested in anything more than being friends.

 

So I go on ASSUMING things and the truth is, I have no idea WHAT IS GOING ON in my ex's mind.

 

I'm just saying that you might want to sit and think a bit more before you initiate contact with your ex. If you do initiate contact and you do have a meeting or a conversation, then (and perhaps you already know this so I don't want to sound like I'm preaching) drop your assumptions about why he left. Don't bring up your past behavior and point out that you weren't this way or that way, or why you were this way or that way....which would be like an apology. That kind of talk should be reserved for if you are actually going to reconcile. Just my humble opinion.

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I just had a breakthrough - that sort of comment was the sort of comment I made towards my ex quite frequently during our relationship. Because he had warned me he wasn't looking for a LTR from Day One, I put up my defenses and approached the relationship in a sort of "sarcastic" way - teased a lot, made him think I "didn't care" about things, even though I did - I was just afraid to show it. I was rarely serious with him, and made light of things far too often. I think I understand now why he walked away. And I think it is up to me to break NC now that I've gained this perspective.

 

Uhg! I know how that feels. Except with my ex, he admitted before we started dating that he was afraid to commit. I'm a sarcastic person who teases a lot by nature but, I did it to him specifically as a defense mechanism. I don't think he dumped me because of this and maybe he appreciated it, in a way, but I really wish I had been more serious with him now and then. He meant a lot to me and I rarely showed that. I don't even know if he knows that, tbh.

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making a rule that says "ALWAYS always always end the conversation first", and then saying not to play games seems a little contradictory. you've got a theme of keeping things natural and genuine and low-pressure, which is excellent, but having a plan/rule to always end a convo first to reinforce the fact that you have a life doesn't seem entirely genuine or free of game playing

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radiation,

I appreciate your feedback and your insight. It's definitely another perspective that many people share on this site.

 

Just remember, NC is not to get your ex back. NC is to get yourself back which might lead to getting your ex back. When you're in NC, you can't say anything that will keep driving the ex away.

 

As for improving yourself for the ex... I would never suggest that. By improving your life (mentally and physically) you will build your confidence, which also gives you a better chance at getting your ex back, and/or perhap allow you to realize that you deserve better than them. It's a win-win IMHO.

 

What I have recommended is not a "strategy". It's a way of changing your perspective and self-empowerment.

 

J-man,

as for always ending the convos first... yeah, this is where I get very close to the "game-playing" line, but by ending the convo first, you are controlling the pace and the conversations (self-empowerment). It also prevents you from rambling on about meaningless stuff that could bore your ex and make them gunshy about talking to you again.

 

But yes, it does seem like a game, but if you look at it in the perspective of regaining control over yourself, you'll understand why it's important.

 

 

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  • 4 months later...

Hey TMinCali -

 

Thanks for the bump. Can you expound on how exactly you fell off the wagon when your ex came back? I followed your story a few months back and am interested to hear what happened. Sorry to hear that things are screwed up...details?

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In actuallity there are two possible reasons, not just the one you gave.

 

The other one is being clingy and needy. Women don't want a doormat, they want to feel secure, to know that if something should happen the man would not hesitate to kill whatever is threatening them (a sabre tooth tiger, etc)

 

When a man acts like a wuzzie it turns a woman's stomache and she looses attraction for him.

 

Women say they want a nice man, but they really don't. They get the attraction for the bad boy.

 

Give them too much attention or be too available and they loose attraction for you. They want a challenge.

 

Women say they want a romantic guy, etc, but first and foremost they want a MAN who is romantic sometimes. Never the other way around, never a romantic that is a man sometimes.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree with the OP, they broke up with us and think they are in control, but in order to get back together you have to move on and work on yourself and fix and under lining issues so that your ex willw ant to get back together, if he or she sees the smae peron, why would you want you? Put yourself in his or hers position! NC for some time to get over them and for them to start missing you and slowly crawl back into their lives, especially if they told you down the line there is a chance!

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My relationship failed because we both contributed to its demise. I never put him on a pedestal and it wasn't all me. That being said, I still agree with #4 and #6. After I stopped talking about our relationship and told him how great my life was (and it is), he began to wonder what life without me would be like. He's since tried to reconcile with me and it is harder than anything I've encountered in the past. But #6 is important because I'm not going to accept him as he is. He has to prove he's made changes and I have to show him I've made them too. But keeping a standard means that I don't accept when things go down the sh*tter and he gets to do whatever he wants. No, everything takes work and if a relationship was easy, well, lucky to those people. Anyway, I told him I wasn't going to stand for any of his bull he pulled in the past and I mean it.

 

The original poster made some valid points that hit home for me.

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These are all VERY good points. I am actually speaking with my ex-fiance...who I LEFT...so I know. We talk every few days or so...he seems really happy and confident...This is right on. I'm the one who left, and after a month or so of what this post is describing, I'm the one in the GETTING BACK TOGETHER ADVICE forum!

 

The key word is pressure...you can't pressure people to be where they aren't and know what they don't know yet...aka..."will we get back together?"...just be nice and try to enjoy each other without freaking out!

 

Good post.

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  • 10 months later...
Here's to bumping this one up. An oldie but a goodie.

It's funny in a twisted way, though. She opened with such strong, confident, well-conceived advice. No doubt she had thought this through.

 

Then, on Page 12, she revealed that her ex indeed had reapproached, but she screwed up the attempt at reconciliation. Go figure.

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