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This is why you don't have your ex back


TMinCali
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Thanks for the advice and the compliment!

 

Also, re: the match profile - I took it down completely about a month or so ago. I'm just not interested in dating right now, unless I meet someone in person.

 

I actually think that both of us posting those right away was, in some way, taking a stab at the other (we met on match), though it might not have been conscious at the time.

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All opinions are welcome!!!
You're going to regret that...... Honestly, from reading your posts on this guy, you really need to stand back and look at him and really ask yourself why you want him back. Seriously, if even half of what you've written here was descriptive of him I would advise you to let this one through the net. He's clearly immature, indecisive and appears to have extra mental issues to boot. He must make George Clooney look dowdy or something, because I don't get it.

 

The bit that gets me thinking and frankly scratching my head is what is the attraction you have for him. Now, don't get me wrong, half the time you're probably just venting at the madness of it all, like the rest of us, but even so this guy doesn't deserve anything like the focus you're giving him. Going by your own account he was tested, retested and tested again and was found wanting. He won't change anytime soon, you certainly won't change him either as just changing ourselves is a full time job and he's with someone else. I pity her to be honest.

 

Now just judging from your musings here, you come accross as an intelligent, emotionally available, adventurous, funny, open, adaptable woman*. Plus on a more obvious note, you're not exactly hard on the eyes either. Ahhh if I was ten years younger and ten times better looking and all that sorta thing etc..

 

Seriously and flippancy aside, you need to see your value and really realise what you have to offer. You need to find someone who will appreciate that and even appreciate the sides of you that you think are bad. Funny, on the two occasions I really loved someone the more I knew about the sides of her she was conscious of, the more I loved her. Go figure.

 

But look they're out there. Leave this hammerhead behind and go looking. That's an order Goddammit! There's no rush either. You'll have to kiss a few frogs and get covered in slime from time to time, but with a couple of billion men in the world the odds are in your favour. That goes for pretty much all the women around here too. The men may look to another for their encouragement...

 

All of the above is true so don't think you can wriggle out of it on the basis that parts are tongue in cheek. Ya won't get away with that around here.

 

 

* You could of course be a middle aged swivel eyed loony male axe murderer and boy would I have egg on my face in that case

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Zorba,

 

I have to say I enjoy reading your posts I find them quite inciteful. Keep up the good work

 

love4life,

 

glad to hear you didn't BCC him, you need to keep him out of your life for a while, if he cares, let him wonder what you are doing and contact you. If not no harm no foul!

 

Right on - thanks!

 

Gosh, between my posts here and my rant thread on the "Healing" forum, can you tell I'm having an insecure, angst-filled day?!

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Right on - thanks!

 

Gosh, between my posts here and my rant thread on the "Healing" forum, can you tell I'm having an insecure, angst-filled day?!

 

I can, hey it happens to the best of us, one moment we're on top of the world, the next moment we're second guessing everything. Its natural for even the most level headed person....which I like to think I am. However the only thing you can control in this situation is you, if you keep going back to him, you will give up that control and some of your pride and dignity.

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Thanks, Zorba, for everything you wrote - you're awesome! I'm going to print your post, frame it and hang it above my bed to give myself an ego boost every night before I go to sleep!

 

What am I attracted to about him...? Well, it's not the physical so much - he's a bit overweight (chemical weight gain from when he was on lithium for the manic-depression - geez he really is quite a catch, isn't he?!), though I didn't mind it - kinda liked it. Really, we just clicked, we made each other laugh all the time, and he's charismatic. He's a Bill Clinton, more or less. And charm can really suck you in. And, well, the physical part of the relationship wasn't too shabby, either.

 

But the inability to commit, the mixed messages and his outlook on life (his idealism vs. my realism) just don't match up. It's a situation where my heart is screaming "YES!" and my head is saying, "Uh...are you NUTS?!"

 

I think a big part of it for me is that I don't meet someone that I click with that often and because love seems so elusive, I hate to let it go when I finally find it.

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Right on - thanks!

 

Gosh, between my posts here and my rant thread on the "Healing" forum, can you tell I'm having an insecure, angst-filled day?!

 

Ah, L4L, I can not only see it but I can feel it. It's gonna happen. Just remember all of the huge steps forward you have taken. I am sure tomorrow will be a much better day!

 

To bad you live in DC! If you were in Texas I would pick you up on my horse and take you for a drink

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Thanks, Zorba, for everything you wrote - you're awesome! I'm going to print your post, frame it and hang it above my bed to give myself an ego boost every night before I go to sleep!
I would leave out the bit about the axe murderer bit though.... oh yea and no probs anytime. I can spot a good un, even on the web.

 

What am I attracted to about him...? Well, it's not the physical so much - he's a bit overweight (chemical weight gain from when he was on lithium for the manic-depression - geez he really is quite a catch, isn't he?!), though I didn't mind it - kinda liked it.
Catch aint in it. I mean if you were a shrink I could see the profit margin but....
Really, we just clicked, we made each other laugh all the time, and he's charismatic. He's a Bill Clinton, more or less. And charm can really suck you in. And, well, the physical part of the relationship wasn't too shabby, either.
So long as he isn't telling others "I did not have sex with that woman..."

 

But the inability to commit, the mixed messages and his outlook on life (his idealism vs. my realism) just don't match up. It's a situation where my heart is screaming "YES!" and my head is saying, "Uh...are you NUTS?!"
Head good, heart dopey. It might have worked if he could have made the changes both he and you needed, but I reckon you would have been handholding this clown for years.

 

I think a big part of it for me is that I don't meet someone that I click with that often and because love seems so elusive, I hate to let it go when I finally find it.
That's a good sign. It means you generally don't fall in love at the drop of a hat. Far healthier.

 

 

To bad you live in DC! If you were in Texas I would pick you up on my horse and take you for a drink
Now there's an offer. Hi ho silver away! You see you're starting to move on and already you're getting chatted up by cowboys. Can't be bad.
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Ah, L4L, I can not only see it but I can feel it. It's gonna happen. Just remember all of the huge steps forward you have taken. I am sure tomorrow will be a much better day!

 

To bad you live in DC! If you were in Texas I would pick you up on my horse and take you for a drink

 

bildit, you're so sweet! Thank you!

 

I know tomorrow will be better. Maybe I need to tap back into "The Secret" and the Law of Attraction (don't yell, Zorba, please don't yell!

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This is really the exact reason I dont want my ex back. He lost his value to me. Guys do that with me easily if they have no life, and I'm the only one who fills their needs. Still, old habits die hard and my ex and I still talk occasionally. He tells me how hard it is, I give him advice or sometimes vice versa.

 

But he whines about how boring his life is and doesnt do anything to pick himself up or motivate himself to talk to others. I admit, I find myself in holes such as this almost daily but I am still a happy person. Well it's more like a love/hate relationship with myself lol But I am trying. He doesn't seem to be which turns me off. I hate needy men- I want someone strong as well as giving. It takes away their value to me if they're not enjoying life with or without me (though hopefully they would prefer me, but not need me.)

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though I didn't mind it - kinda liked it. Really, we just clicked, we made each other laugh all the time, and he's charismatic. He's a Bill Clinton, more or less. And charm can really suck you in. And, well, the physical part of the relationship wasn't too shabby, either.

 

love4life: This is an amazing statement, in that I think that it is wonderful that one can simply find so much to see in someone over their looks or the fact that they have to take meds. It is more important to know if they treat you well or if they can make you laugh or how they handle being with you.

 

That is exactly the way it was in my relationship, in that yes, I thought she was hella sexy, but I was most attracted to the way she could talk about anything and had such a positive outlook and that infectious laugh. However, I think that she soon began to look for things...

 

 

But the inability to commit, the mixed messages and his outlook on life (his idealism vs. my realism) just don't match up. It's a situation where my heart is screaming "YES!" and my head is saying, "Uh...are you NUTS?!"

 

It amazes me on here how many similiarities one can find in other's stories or descriptions. "Idealism vs. Realism", that made me think. I think you both have idealism at first and then the realism hits.

 

I think though that you don't run, as in my case, when someone puts you on a pedestal. Instead of thinking, "oh no, here comes the realism and when he finds out he may not like it", how about thinking "Wow, he sees all this in me. Maybe some of it is in me"?

 

But the inability to commit was there as was the total MIXED messages. I called it "pushpull".

 

Zorba: You mentioned about the "love" having never been there or something along those lines and as much as I hate to admit it, I can now see that because I was a rebound, her love (or whatever we are calling it, because of the short time we were together), never REALLY existed. thereforeeee, her feelings were not as genuine and she is able to let it go.

 

Thanks for these posts guys and gals...

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The relationship must be effortless and bring joy, otherwise I'd rather be single.

 

LFG

 

Well good luck with that.

An effortlessly harmonious relationship is a rare bird indeed.

 

 

'Falling out of love' is often the copout of immature people.

Sounds like something that makes them faultless.

 

'Oh I couldn't help leaving them, I fell out of love'

Bollocks.

There are always specific concrete reasons to observe in a break up.

Not some nebulous concept of falling out of love.

 

Seriously though anyone over the age of 21 is going to have baggage.

Dating isn't cut and dried. Mating games are part and parcel of ALL animals interactions.

 

Understanding and succeeding at dating, getting back with your ex and maintaining a lively passionate relationship is best viewed as performing a Dance.

 

A back and forth of approach and retreat.

 

Sometimes you reach out and signify interest, sometimes you back off.

 

Everything worthwhile requires effort.

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Well good luck with that.

An effortlessly harmonious relationship is a rare bird indeed.

 

 

'Falling out of love' is often the copout of immature people.

Sounds like something that makes them faultless.

 

'Oh I couldn't help leaving them, I fell out of love'

Bollocks.

There are always specific concrete reasons to observe in a break up.

Not some nebulous concept of falling out of love.

 

Seriously though anyone over the age of 21 is going to have baggage.

Dating isn't cut and dried. Mating games are part and parcel of ALL animals interactions.

 

Understanding and succeeding at dating, getting back with your ex and maintaining a lively passionate relationship is best viewed as performing a Dance.

 

A back and forth of approach and retreat.

 

Sometimes you reach out and signify interest, sometimes you back off.

 

Everything worthwhile requires effort.

 

I think it's impossible for a relationship to make you happy forever, unless you both can really grow with each other and challenge each other, keep doing romantic things as life goes on. Love should be the most selfless things there is but humans are not naturally that. So effort hits that brick wall in us all.

 

Eh I dont what I want with love. I dont know what makes happiness. And I've accepted that. Strangely, once I did, life got easier.

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Yes, the relief is pleasant, isn't it?

 

 

Also, you mentioned that you have a match profile up. I'd advise to make it invisible so he can't see it, or block him so you don't show up in his searches. My personal opinion is that it makes us look desperate in their eyes. I mean, we're hot mamas...we don't need that because we have guys falling all over us everywhere we go And if you're doing the steps to get your value/appeal back, this will be true.

 

 

It's cathartic for the dumpee to get ego strokes from guys who view their profile.

I practically strong arm friends who are pining over exes to put personal ads up pronto.

I dunno, it actually DRIVES my last 2 exes to jealous little hissy fits.

Every time I upload new pics on match they check out my profile on Match.

Men are visual creatures always.........If they peruse the personals and spot the dumpee looking hot in her pics (tastefully hot of course) and read a profile that sounds happy and vivacious they are going to start 'imagining' all the men who are after their dumpee now.

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Selkie,

I agree to a point, regarding the dating profiles.

 

I actually put an add up and while I was searching, I found my ex. I looked at his and he looked at mine. I kept mine up for awhile knowing that he would realize that I'd for sure be dating others. After awhile, I realized that the longer my profile was up, the longer it looked like I was still looking for love.

 

In a way, I felt a bit pathetic. Now he's the one that is still looking (6 months later), while mine is no longer on there.

 

I guess in the beginning it can be a good thing to do, but after awhile of being on there, it might have an adverse effect.

 

I'm at the point where I want nature to show me "the one". I know it sounds silly, but I do believe in destiny.

 

p.s. This is why my friends tell me I'm the "Charlotte" of all of our friends. lol

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All -

 

Let me clarify what I mean by 'effortless'. I'm not saying that relationships should be a "sea of red roses". What I wanted to say is that there is no point in forcing someone to be in a relationship with you. The feeling has to be mutual and natural, otherwise it is not worth the effort. In other words, I see relationships as two-way roads in which BOTH parties have to be invested in making the relationship work.

 

Zorba - I liked your response to my posting and I agree that it is healthy to disagree. My concern with this thread is that it may give false hopes to dumpees. I agree with you that there is ALWAYS a reason behind a breakup and find it infuriating when the dumper doesn't share what made him or her fall out of love with the dumpee. Of course they know the reason. Now this doesn't mean necessarily that there is a problem with the dumpee. Sometimes people are just not a good match. Other times people just change as things evolve. It sucks for the one who stays in love, but it happens.

 

I had a LDR with my ex for eight months and he broke up with me out of the blue in December last year saying that he was not in love with me. I was crushed. I went into strict NC since January and in May he sent me a 'how are you' e-mail without any demonstration of regret. It took me a while to respond, but when I did, I chose to open my heart and say everything that I didn't have a chance to say during the breakup. My response was polite and not mean at all, but I was 100% truthful. I never heard from him again. Did he find my response a turn off? Maybe. Would we be together again if I had chosen to forget the past and pretend that I had moved on? I doubt it. If he really wanted to reconcile, he would have not given up.

 

I agree with the person who said that dating is like a dance. However, I really get turned off by people who play hard to get. I flirt a lot and I'm a confident person, but if I see no reciprocity (in the dancing game), I immediately discard them. I'm only interested in dating people who are interested in dating me and I'm very happy when I'm single. It doesn't bother me at all.

 

LFG

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Originally Posted by TMinCali

I'm at the point where I want nature to show me "the one". I know it sounds silly, but I do believe in destiny.

 

p.s. This is why my friends tell me I'm the "Charlotte" of all of our friends. lol

 

I agree. I've done the match thing on and off for 4 years. It's honestly the only place I've ever met people to date since college. I do theatre and, well, as much as I love it, most of the men in the theatre scene don't play on our team. But at this point, I just want to take a step back from "looking" and just let it happen. I may change my mind, though, in a couple months.

 

P.S. I've always been a Carrie, but I definitely feel a bit of Charlotte seeping in!

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