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This is why you don't have your ex back


TMinCali
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I would mostly go along with TMinCali's list, with the exceptions mentioned earlier. I've seen similar work before with others and myself. Often when it wasn't planned that way.

 

I will say selkie's subterfuges can backfire. It does depend on the man. If he's anyway clued in, he will spot that stuff. I and my friends had similar mojo worked on us.

 

 

 

It's fine if they spot it for what it is. Just don't own up to it.

If the ex still has feelings at all they'll be intrigued or amused. They'll feel positive.

If the ex has negative feelings towards you, sending accidental communications will just leave them cold as they already were.

But the dumpee will save face.

And Ive had a couple exes to the same to me and I actually found it cute.

I knew they REALLY were thinking of me but it took pressure off of having to instantly respond.

In fact one of them just did this to me two days ago.

IMd me to ask me if I had sent him text messages to his cell.

When he knows perfectly well I dont have his new cell number since we broke up 5 months ago.

So I asked him what the messages said and he is bad at lying so he fumbled and said he forgot already.

And this from a guy who went to Yale. lol.

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TMin Cali

 

What if my husband, who left me in June, is in love with someone else? where do I go to compete with the 'love' he says he has for her?

 

.

 

 

If they're dating someone else. Full no contact.

If they're single , only then, do I advocate LC.

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If they're dating someone else. Full no contact.

If they're single , only then, do I advocate LC.

I'd go along with that. Then again I haven't in the past. Actually most of the couples I know that got back together(and it lasted) were in limited contact even when they were seeing other people. Sometimes to the other peoples chagrin. Ok it may have worked for me and them, but this wasn't a marriage situation. Big diff.

 

In Betty Boop's case I do think stepping back, waaaay back is the best option to get her own head together first.

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You can bring a horse to water....

 

Yep a bit dumb alright, not having a response ready. God that would put me right off if a woman was that slow on the uptake.

 

Well in a way I like that he's not so slick.

He's supposed to be smarter than me but I can outwit him.

 

I replied Uh-huh after he said he didnt recall the (imaginary) messages...

To wit he asked if I was mad at him still.

 

And I replied I was still reviewing things and for him to take care of himself.

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This is of course if you want you ex back, if it is going to do you harm again being in a toxic, emotionally abusive and wrong relationship and just were not fully compatiable with each other, but yet you still miss the good times, then why would you want to remain open minded about your ex and them contacting you.

 

Another point, some people will come to this site still long after healing, why, well company, perhaps they forged some bonds with people on here or perhaps just for a little reassurance every now and again.

 

or to continue to help people

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9. ALWAYS always always end the conversations first. You have a life and yeah, it's great to hear from them, but if they want your time, they need to show you that they are worthy of your precious time. Don't ever forget that. Life doesn't stop for our ex's.

 

God I totally believe this. I've been doing it.

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That's a great post TMinCali. The only bit i disagree with is when you say reconcilliations fail becaue of us not them. Sometimes, in fact 90% of the time, it just wont happen regardless of what you do or dont do. Sometimes they just dont want to, the relationship ended and they made their minds up.

 

I mean i've behaved exactly as you've described, and mine has shown no interest in reconciliation. Even though we parted on good terms, still loved eachother, and had a wonderful relationship, the best either of us has ever known, at the end of the day she doesn't want to get back and i can't change that.

 

Mostly it is because of them, not us.

 

But yeah great advice anyway, if there is a chance of reconciliation, this is the way to go about it.

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Great post, TMinCali! I think you hit the nail on the head!!

 

Hope to hear a success story from you soon

 

If they're dating someone else. Full no contact.

If they're single , only then, do I advocate LC.

 

Thank you, selkie! This was my one question!

 

I guess I'll continue with NC. 6 weeks tomorrow. But, if he's up to his old habits with this woman, he's probably going to start pushing her away in the next month or so (after 3 months of seeing her), unless she hasn't slept with him yet...in which case, he probably wants to marry her. He seemed fully infatuated with me until shortly after I gave in physically ](*,)

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TMinCali -

 

I agree with your suggestions regarding what a dumpee should do to improve himself (both mentally and physically) and become stronger. However, I don't agree with the reconcilliation part for two reasons.

 

First, a healthy relationship should never feel like a game and some of the suggestions you made are game tactics:

 

- End the conversation first - translation: show who has power

- Pretend that you are doing fantastic and having the time of your life - sounds fake and will come accross as such to anyone whose brain is bigger than an olive

 

Second, relationships end for various reasons, but I truly believe that the underlying reason in almost every case is that one of the two fell out of love with the other (or was never really in love in the first place). This is why people cheat, fight over ridiculous things, act uninterested, etc. I do agree with you that super needy people are unattractive and contribute to the demise of a relationship. However, even if these people work on themselves and become more independent that doesn't mean their exes will fall in love with them again. Actually, I think that it is extremely unlikely for someone who fell out of love to fall back in love again with the same person. The spell is broken. THE END.

 

thereforeeee, I think that the best approach is to work on yourself to detach from the past and completely move on. If the ex tries to reconnect and make it VERY CLEAR AND OBVIOUS that he wants you back, than give it a try if you feel that it's worth it. However, if there is no OBVIOUS regret in the attempt to reconnect, I'd take it exactly for what it is and be myself. No games, no "I will end the conversation first" or "I'm sooooo moved on", etc.

 

There is nothing more honorable than saying the truth. If that turns them off, than so be it. I don't want to date a person and have to worry about not showing too much interest, or having the upper hand, etc. The relationship must be effortless and bring joy, otherwise I'd rather be single.

 

LFG

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There is nothing more honorable than saying the truth. If that turns them off, than so be it. I don't want to date a person and have to worry about not showing too much interest, or having the upper hand, etc. The relationship must be effortless and bring joy, otherwise I'd rather be single.

 

LFG

 

I agree with this statement. I don't want to be with someone I can't be honest with.

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I agree with this statement. I don't want to be with someone I can't be honest with.

 

Absolutely! I actually feel like I feigned disinterest for the first few weeks with my ex. There was definite game-playing going on. When I did become honest and more like me, he broke up with me.

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LFG, it's not a game if you are truly living your own life.

 

I agree, many relationships end because one of the partners fell out of love. Why is that? WHY did they cheat? WHY did they lose interest?

People don't fall out of love for no reason at all. Sorry, doesn't happen.

 

That is why it is up to US to be that person they fell in love with to begin with. If that means you need to work out, get a life, get a job, stop playing video games, stop drinking/doing drugs or simply show appreciation of the other person.. than do it! Perhaps there was something you did that annoyed the other person. Find out what that is and do something about it.

 

ANYONE can get their ex back. It's all about attraction and creating value. I don't care if they say they don't love you anymore. If they are attracted to you and think you are a prize to be had, they'll want you. Period.

 

Don't fake it... be it.

 

For those that have ex's that are currently dating someone else.. it's alot harder. You pretty much have to let their new relationship run its course, while at the same time, work on yourself and be that stud or goddess. And when I say "stud" or "goddess", I'm not just talking physically.. I'm talking about being a fun, confident, happy person. You know.. the person you were in the first month of your relationship with your ex.

When the ex comes sniffing around in your direction again, they'll see someone they are attracted to.

 

If you don't want you ex back, that's your decision, but this is the getting back together thread, so I am trying to help those that do want them back. I strongly believe what I posted is the key to doing this.

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First, a healthy relationship should never feel like a game and some of the suggestions you made are game tactics they are in many ways. Exactly the same game tactics people use unconsciously or not when they date people in the first place. Some people are better at attracting others, beyond their obvious physical attributes and the reason is they give off certain qualities that are attractive to the opposite sex. Sometimes these qualities are a front, sometimes they come from within. Learning these qualities and applying them within and without will help people engage with others more effectively for themselves.

 

This can also be applied when a relationship sours, especially in the early stages. If it was a truly good relationship, it can still go sour and at that point if the dumpee decides on reflection that it was actually a good relationship worth saving then there are things to avoid when re engaging the dumper. I've known women who have split with a longterm good guy to really regret it down the line, but the dumpee usually turned them off the idea when they did the same old things people do when they're dumped. Same with men, though less so(or they don't express that).

 

The idea that truly good solid long term relationships can't go wrong for one reason or another is frankly daft. It happens all the time. We all know people in truly toxic relationships that have lasted longer than much better ones.

- End the conversation first - translation: show who has power

Or look at it as establishing boundaries and showing self respect, which with needy people is often the stumbling block. If the relationship went south because of the dumpee being needy then that can show some change for the better to the dumper and indeed for the dumpee if they extend that throughout their lives and mean it.

- Pretend that you are doing fantastic and having the time of your life - sounds fake and will come accross as such to anyone whose brain is bigger than an olive
Sod pretending. Have a good life. Get out there so it's not fake. If the relationship died because the dumpee was for example bordering on being an antisocial depressive then again that shows change which is always attractive. Even if it's not working on the ex it's a damn good change for the dumpee moving forward.

 

Second, relationships end for various reasons, but I truly believe that the underlying reason in almost every case is that one of the two fell out of love with the other (or was never really in love in the first place).
The former is far easier to recover from than the latter. In the case of never having been in love in the first place then it's game over anyway.
This is why people cheat, fight over ridiculous things, act uninterested, etc.
Mostly, but some do some of the above out of fear, panic, need for excitement etc. It doesn't always mean the core of love is gone.
I do agree with you that super needy people are unattractive and contribute to the demise of a relationship.
I would say, certainly for me as a man it's the biggest turn off of all. I would say that goes double for women.
However, even if these people work on themselves and become more independent that doesn't mean their exes will fall in love with them again.
Nothing in life is a guarantee, but working on themselves increases the chances that it will happen massively. Even if it doesn't they're in a far better position not to have a repeat performance with the next relationship. I've seen this a lot. People doing the same things over and over and over again ad nauseum and getting dumped for the same reasons over and over and over again. That or always getting hooked up with the same type of person that will cause them problems.
Actually, I think that it is extremely unlikely for someone who fell out of love to fall back in love again with the same person. The spell is broken. THE END.
I would disagree. That's only true if you see it as a spell. It's not. In any case they fell in love with you once and if that love lasted even slightly beyond the honeymoon period and changed into a deeper love, then that spark can come back. How many people in long term relationships or marriages lost the spark, yet worked on it and made it through, even when at times the spell was lost? Lots, because they worked on it. Most if not all couples who've been married for 30, 40 years have gone through a major crisis and survived it. Why? Because again they worked on it and got back that connection.

 

I've just seen far too many examples of it, time and time again, even in shorter relationships of a few years where the "spell" was broken. I have two married male friends whose then girlfriends dumped them, walked away, walked away into the arms of others, claimed they didn't love them, or claimed they loved them but not in that way and lo and behold they got back together 1 yr and 2 yrs apart respectively(the women were friends of mine too and they both told me they had "fallen out of love" and could never imagine going near their exes again). Needless to say I resisted with the "I told you so's"

 

Actually I can think of only two really good relationships where the couples didn't split up for a time, from both the male and female side(mainly the female in the examples I've seen).

 

Also a point to make here is that in every successful reconciliation the dumpers didn't fall in love with the same person, they fell in love with a different person that was also familiar to them. This seems to be more likely to happen if they say they love you, but are not in love with you.

 

Any successful reconciliation depends on many factors. Absolutely paramount was that the relationship was a good one, for long enough on both sides and there is a core of friendship and respect. This is the stumbling block for most relationships. Where the dumpee thinks it was there, or was there on their side, but objectively it wasn't.

 

In any case people change their minds all the time. I'm sure most dumpees here were told "I'll love you forever", or "I could never make love to another", or "don't ever leave me" and yet, here you are and there they are not loving you forever and or making love to another after they left you. If way down the line and the core was truly there it's not beyond logic to assume they'll change their minds again. As I say I've seen it time and time and time again.

 

thereforeeee, I think that the best approach is to work on yourself to detach from the past and completely move on. If the ex tries to reconnect and make it VERY CLEAR AND OBVIOUS that he wants you back, than give it a try if you feel that it's worth it.
I agree.

 

There is nothing more honorable than saying the truth.
Great in theory, but back in the real world people, men and women lie all the time for a myriad of reasons. We're a species that does it very well. Mostly not meant in a harmful way or mostly in a good way. If you meet someone who you know to be very ill, you don't go and say "God you look bloody awful, you must be eyeing up the grave", do you? You may even be thinking that, but you sure don't say it. While that's an extreme example, people lie by omission or lie directly pretty much every day. You meet a girlfriend of yours and her new boyfriend has been well beaten with the ugly stick, do you say that? No you say things like "wow he's really intelligent/funny/sweet" etc. All the while avoiding the elephant in the room. People may not see it as that or see it for what it is, but that doesn't negate the fact that they do it(Hey, you could even say that high heels, wonderbras and makeup are lies. Many a man has been caught out there. On the male side any man putting socks done his trousers is more to be pitied than laughed at.

 

Same in healthy relationships. Do you tell your girlfriend/wife that recently she's getting a bit fat, her cellulite kind of turns you off and you preferred her slimmer? No you don't. Do you tell your boyfriend/husband the same or say you think he was nicer looking when he wasn't going bald and older looking? No again. It's like the old chestnut when people say "You look the same as you when we met 40 years ago". No they don't that's a lie. A really sweet lovely one, but nonetheless.....

 

We tell ourselves any number of lies a day and extend the same courtesy to others. Even if we try really hard not to do that, we will lie by omission. It's pretty much unavoidable. Some people tell bigger lies to themselves and then to others. That's the step too far. Like everything it's a question of degree. If you ever met someone who was completely open and never lied or omitted the truth it would make 99% of social interaction very uncomfortable.

 

If people honestly think that they're never "dishonest" with themselves or loved ones, then they're not seeing the whole picture and are ironically lying to themselves. This is especially true with romantic relationships. In fact I would say that if you could magically know everything about your lover, the love would be lessened. The mystery would be gone and you would never be surprised. That for me at least would be relationship hell.

I don't want to date a person and have to worry about not showing too much interest, or having the upper hand, etc. The relationship must be effortless and bring joy, otherwise I'd rather be single.
Yes, but as an example, you may not be an excessively needy person. What you define as showing interest may be within the healthy, normal range of concern and acceptability to your particular partner and not come accross as needy. Basically one person's honest, may be another person's nutjob.

 

Some people just may need to lie to the world, while working on themselves so that hopefully it stops being a lie.

 

Plus if you're looking for any lifetime or even very long term relationship to be "effortless" and bring joy anything like all the time or even most of the time, then you're in for a rude awakening, as that only happens between the dog eared pages of banal romantic novellas. Love like everything else worth a damn in this life needs work. It's ony the amount of work you're willing to put up with in a relationship that makes or breaks it.

 

 

 

Anyway it's good to disagree.

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Great post, TMinCali! I think you hit the nail on the head!!

 

Hope to hear a success story from you soon

 

 

 

](*,)

 

That's just it, I don't want it to be soon, and I don't expect it to be either. I'm getting to know him all over again and he's getting to know me all over again as well. It's great. We're friends. We're comfortable talking to each other. For once, I don't have any expectations and it feels like such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I almost feel like I'm talking to a guy that I know finds me attractive and cool, and although I'm attracted to him as well, I'm still getting to know him and aren't sure if I want to date him. I have completely changed my mindset about things. It's about what I want and deciding if he's worthy of my time. Not a game....it's truly how I feel.

 

I believe this is what others talk about when they say to treat reconciliation as a NEW relationship. Starting from scratch means getting to know someone all over again. Being friends first and THEN lovers. You can't force it, it just has to be that way. Relax, be yourself, be enjoyable to talk to, and be confident. If you don't do the things I listed in my original post, it WILL come off as fake. That's why if you do the steps and you reach a point of reconciliation, you'll be natural again. Why do you think most successful reconciliations that end in marriage usually happen many months or even years after the break up? It takes time to get ourselves back and it takes time for our ex's to get to the point where they want to "check in". It's magical when you are BOTH in a good place mentally/physically and you have contact again.

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TMinCali,

I was just looking through some of your old threads and saw that you initiated contact with your ex in August about a sports event involving your team (team in SF - sorry, can't remember which one!)

 

I'd like to get your opinion (and anyone else's!) about what to do. My background is here:

 

 

 

The last encounter in that thread is the very last encounter I had with him (6 weeks ago tomorrow). I left frustrated and walked out on him without a final word after he offered to remain friends. Reason why: PRIDE. I know - love has no pride!

 

So...my dilemma is...a show I've been rehearsing for opens next Friday. I always send emails to friends about upcoming shows and I already sent one out about this one. I did NOT send it to the ex.

 

Now I'm kind of wondering if I should send it to him (BCC him) and make it look like a mass distribution so he wouldn't see who else (if anyone) received it.

 

Important note as of that last encounter he'd just started seeing someone else. I don't know if he still is and I haven't wanted to go digging.

 

What would you recommend?

 

All opinions are welcome!!!

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love4life,

I wouldn't invite him. I know it seems like the right thing to do, but it's not.

 

All of your contact with him at this point should be short and about random stuff you guys had in common. He knows he hurt you and he needs to feel comfortable enough to talk to you again without the guilt. Baby steps

 

If he's seeing someone else, I'd make the contact very very limited. Again, one-liner emails that you'd send to a buddy.

 

Questions is... are you ready for contact with him? Can you honestly say that if you had contact, you wouldn't be counting the days since he's called or contacted you again? Will you start wondering where it's going?

 

I've been apart from my ex for quite awhile and it has been only recently that I've gotten to this point.

 

I think the baby steps are necessary before you can start inviting him to meet up or to see your show. You don't want to do ANYTHING that will make him feel pressured or guilty if he has to tell you "no". You also don't want to make him feel as if you're an obligation.

 

He has to know that talking to you is an enjoyable experience. No pressure, no guilt, no bitterness and no egos.

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Ok, I come back to this thread with my tail between my legs... I had way to much wine last night at dinner. Sorry if I was an a@@!

 

Haha.. no worries. I pretty much just ignored it.

 

My opinion is this... you either get it or you don't. What I've posted is based on human nature and the laws of attraction. It's quite simple actually, but when we're hurting we make it more than it really is and tend to over-analyze ourselves and our ex's. We also expect too much in too short of time.

 

But when/if I have a success story to share, you'll be the first to know

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Whew! I'm so glad you posted this! Almost as soon as I put this up here I started to get nervous and thought, "If I'm feeling this way just THINKING about it, then there's no way I should actually do it." It would put too many anxieties in my head.

 

You make excellent points! I'll keep up with the NC. There's been NOTHING since 6 weeks ago - no calls, emails, txts, nothing from either of us.

 

I'm feeling a wave of relief come over me. If that's not a sign of what's best, I don't know what is!

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My opinion is this... you either get it or you don't. What I've posted is based on human nature and the laws of attraction. It's quite simple actually, but when we're hurting we make it more than it really is and tend to over-analyze ourselves and our ex's. We also expect too much in too short of time.

 

 

For the most part I agree with your post. My problem is I think I have been holding on a little to long by asking to get together and what not. I think my chances are probably out the window. Granted, I have not begged or pleaded and all of that crap, it's just been light e-mails. Time will tell. From now on all contact will have to be initiated by her. If that happens, then maybe I will have a chance to play out your rules!

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I'm feeling a wave of relief come over me. If that's not a sign of what's best, I don't know what is!

 

Yes, the relief is pleasant, isn't it?

 

Talking to an ex without anxiety and uncertainty is probably one of the best feelings. There's a caring feeling that you have for a good friend. Add attraction on top of that, and .... well, can you say "sparks"?? The flame has been re-ignited.

 

Just keep doing what you've been doing. You're extremely attractive, so once you get your inner goddess under control, you'll be good to go

 

Also, you mentioned that you have a match profile up. I'd advise to make it invisible so he can't see it, or block him so you don't show up in his searches. My personal opinion is that it makes us look desperate in their eyes. I mean, we're hot mamas...we don't need that because we have guys falling all over us everywhere we go And if you're doing the steps to get your value/appeal back, this will be true.

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