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This is why you don't have your ex back


TMinCali

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OK, everyone on ENA can shoot me and berate me.....

 

Ex and I live in a small place, lots of mutual friends etc etc.

 

I'm holding a party in 2 weeks' time. I've invited all my (our friends) and had planned not to bother inviting him. I'm at the stage where a short chat with him (if we bump into each other) is fine for me.

 

I'd decided not to invite him...using the justification that "hey, he dumped me, he no longer has the right to come to parties at my place". But I don't blame him for dumping me. I don't hate him for it, and I don't resent him for it.

 

A friend asked me - "well, turn it around - how would you feel if we were all invited to a party at his place, and you weren't". I'd feel rubbish.

 

At the end of the day, our exes are just people. Yes, they hurt our feelings. Yes, some of them are ****holes. But most of them are just people trying to live their lives the best they can, with what they know at the time.

 

I know that the "right" thing to do is to invite him. A couple of months ago, it woulnd't have been. But I no longer think about what he's doing or who he's with or whatever. And if he doesn't come, hey, then he's got something else on.

 

And no, by inviting him, I'm not appearing all mysterious or whatever. But I feel by not inviting him it says that a)I'm bitter and twisted or b)I can't cope with you being at my party. Because he'll know everyone's there and he'll know he's been deliberately missed out. That's not how I want to live my life- "you hurt me so I'm going to do it right back to you".

 

I don't feel that I've lost self-respect by inviting him. In fact, I think I've gained self-respect by doing what I think is the right thing to do by another person. Because ex or not, he is just another person.

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Thanks Zorba. It's taken a few months to arrive at that kind of thinking, and a lot of tears and a lot of really low days. But I've finally realised that this is all about me, and how I choose to relate to other people. To be honest, if I'd been my ex, I would have left me too with the way I was behaving at the time. Hard as it's been, he's done me a favour by breaking up with me - it's taken that for me to see that I've never loved myself, and never been properly happy with myself. I've always looked for it from other people.

 

But I know now, deep down in my heart, that I will meet someone special at sometime. maybe not this week or next, but sometime. And it may or may not be my ex. If he can't see what a prize I am, then that really is his loss. But I've not been waiting around for him to realise it.

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That's not how I want to live my life- "you hurt me so I'm going to do it right back to you".

 

In fact, I think I've gained self-respect by doing what I think is the right thing to do by another person. Because ex or not, he is just another person.

 

 

Yodabell, good for you!

 

Too often people turn to anger and blame when we should be forgiving, because after all we're only human.

 

I agree, we have a choice in how we relate to other people and how we react to things in our lives.

 

Rock-on at your party!

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Yay

 

My thoughts exactly

all this talk of strategy in dating just seems pointless. You reach a certain point where it's not about the "fun", it's wanting someone to partner you in life and then it IS all about you and how you relate to the world.

I have learned a lot here on ENA but I know that I am practicing NC for me, it was unsatisfying to keep supporting him from the position I was in.

I know that if I focus on "the one that I want" (is kind, creative, commited, accepting, etc.) Then the universe will send me that person. If it's my ex then so be it if not then that is the one that I want.

To be honest it always sent me the one that I wanted before it just took me awhile to realize you need to be very specific in your intention and be careful what you wish for....

So to return to the top of this thread, why I don't have my ex back...because I chose to live my life in another way. And the universe will only send him back this way if he has grown because no matter how much love there is a lifelong partnership requires more.

Otherwise we'd all be in one...

 

And I too, am grateful for his leaving because I came to some small but imperetive realizations about my own stuff that I wouldn't have otherwise.

So to all the dumpers; thank you, you have made us better in the long run and in most cases it is your loss...

 

Yodabell- have a great party! you'll do the right thing

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...Sometimes an ex is just too proud/stubborn/immature to allow for a reconciliation to happen....

i've followed all the rules in every e-book i bought or advice i've read on these and other forums and i am still without my ex nearly 4 months post-break-up. it simply does no good if the other person is not willing to make a step towards you even if you give them loads of time and space and then cautiously, gently make a step towards them.

 

who knows why some "dumpers" simply want the other person out of their life for good.

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who knows why some "dumpers" simply want the other person out of their life for good.
I've found it usually means the relationship wasn't as good as it seemed at the time and certainly the friendship wasn't there. Some people find it hard to be objective when the love is flowing, but without that core the relationship is doomed. Some even may not realise or know what even non romantic friendship entails. That's surprisingly common too.

 

I've remained friends with pretty much all of my exes, even if we may not see each other for a while. Mainly because that friendship was at the core of the relationship in the first place on both sides. The two I haven't kept in contact with, there was no real friendship, it was the usual romantic/lust thing going on. I certainly wouldn't go out with anyone now if that friendship or the promise of the mutual friendship wasn't there. Pretty pointless if you ask me.

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...

A friend asked me - "well, turn it around - how would you feel if we were all invited to a party at his place, and you weren't". I'd feel rubbish....

 

good question and the truth is, why would you invite someone to your party to celebrate when he chose to throw you out of his life? sure, turn it around, you'd feel hurt and insulted if he did not invite you, but he did dump you! if you are friends and want it to stay that way, then by all means invite him.

 

i will probably do a thanksgiving/christmas dinner at my place and invite all our mutual friends, but not him. he has had plenty of gatherings at his place; yes, after he dumped me & i could finally move out, i asked him not to contact me for awhile and even after i initiated contact he did not invite me to a big going-out get-together with all our mutual friends to celebrate the end of a local film festival. i had another big party to go to, but nevertheless, i was not extended the invite.

 

i have tried passing him the olive branch and he ignores it. he has not refused it, that would imply conversation on his part, he has ignored it. so when i have a house-warming he will not get invited simple as that. he will turn 30 soon and probably have a party. i'm sure i will not be invited either. that will hurt. all our mutual friends with be there and i do i take it personally sure since he said he wanted to stay friends, but if he has a party and does not invite me he is setting a clear sign - he does not want to have anthing to do with me again. i will return the favor.

 

I've found it usually means the relationship wasn't as good as it seemed at the time and certainly the friendship wasn't there. Some people find it hard to be objective when the love is flowing, but without that core the relationship is doomed. ... ...
yeah, we were attracted to each other right from the beginning. probably 2 weeks of really long talks, then we began a very intense, passionate, 2-year relationship. i changed jobs, moved to his town, moved in with him -- a whirlwind romance. it worried me when the spark began to fade that instead of talking, he preferred to pop in a DVD or read, although in those initial weeks, we talked for hours about everything.
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Mainly because that friendship was at the core of the relationship in the first place on both sides. The two I haven't kept in contact with, there was no real friendship, it was the usual romantic/lust thing going on. I certainly wouldn't go out with anyone now if that friendship or the promise of the mutual friendship wasn't there. Pretty pointless if you ask me.

 

Same here. I'm friends with one ex - and this is the one I never felt that intense attraction to. I think I may have been too immature at the time to appreciate that he had genuine love for me. I actually have a deeper appreciation for him now after this most recent break-up. The other two exes, however, were more based on chemistry and attraction and, for that reason, I can't be friends with them.

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good question and the truth is, why would you invite someone to your party to celebrate when he chose to throw you out of his life? sure, turn it around, you'd feel hurt and insulted if he did not invite you, but he did dump you! if you are friends and want it to stay that way, then by all means invite him.

 

i take it personally sure since he said he wanted to stay friends, but if he has a party and does not invite me he is setting a clear sign - he does not want to have anthing to do with me again. i will return the favor.

 

You've not really understood what I meant though. Yep, he dumped me. Yep, it hurt. A lot. I've been the dumper in the past, and I've never realised this is what it felt like. But I've spent 5 months taking a long, hard look at myself. At the way I relate to people. At the patterns I've had in past relationships. And at the person I am.

 

Despite how much it hurt, he had good reason to "throw me out of his life". The way I started behaving in our relationship would have been hurting him. ok, so he has a difficulty with communication and his part in the break up was not being able to tell me sooner that he was unhappy.

 

And I'm not kidding myself that I'm completely healed. But I haven't cried about my ex for well over a month. And I've laughed and genuinely enjoyed all the other stuff going on in my life. And I've spent evenings on my own, content and happy. I still have a lot to learn.

 

The part you're missing, is that I forgive him for leaving. Not because I'm a doormat. But because I'm human, and so his he. I'm not a victim in this. Noone is. As soon as you start thinking you're a victim - then that's when it comes out in the way you interact with everyone you meet.

 

And truthfully - yes, I'd like to get back together with him. I'd like the opportunity to give him a second chance. But if that never happens, then it never happens. I'm not chasing him all over town to find out. I've invited him to a party because playing the "I'm so mad at you and I hope you find out from everyone else that you weren't invited" game isn't what I want my life to be about.

 

Life isn't a game. When it's all said and done, what we are is our relationships with the people we are in contact with. We choose whether we fill those relationships with kindness or with bitterness. Yep, some people are nasty pieces of work. But the rest of us, my ex included, are just ordinary folk doing the best they can with what they know.

 

But don't get me wrong - 2 months ago, I wasn't in the right state of mind to have a conversation with my ex, let alone invite him to a party. NC, therapy, being brutally honest with myself, making my life the best I can with what I have, appreciating the things that are in the here and now - 5 months of that has turned me from the blubbering wreck who thought her life had fallen apart to someone who knows it's all good.

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Yoda, I think it's great you can do this! Two questions I have, though:

 

1) In inviting him, do you feel any anxiety, or any sort of physical side effects in doing so?

2) Would you have invited him if you didn't have these mutual friends?

 

The one thing that keeps me from contacting my ex is the physical effects: the thought of sending him notice of my upcoming show made my stomach flip and my heart rate pick up and I got a little shaky.

 

And I think that if anyone feels this way about contacting their ex, then they shouldn't do it. I know for me, it will take a LOOOONG time, if ever, for me to be able to contact him.

 

I think you have to look at it on a case-by-case situation. Trying to be friends won't work for everyone, even if they are healed. For me, I'm doing great, having fun, starting to think about other guys, really beginning to see how he's not good for me (with the help of ENA); but....the thought of contacting him sends me into an emotional tailspin!

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Lfl - I sent the invite and didn't feel all panicky when I sent it. I'm not expecting a reply either way, and I have no idea whether he'll be there or not. I know when I bumped into him a few weeks ago, I felt anxious and with a quicker heart rate. But I also recall having similar feelings in the past when I've bumped into exes that I've been fully over or friends that I've fallen out with.

 

No, if we didn't have mutual friends, I wouldn't have invited him. I did it because (as in OP), this is a very small place, with a close-knit group of friends, and to not invite him is just too obviously saying "I still have issues with you. I'm so hurt and so upset still that I've deliberately not asked you to an event that everyone else we know will be coming to."

 

I don't need to find excuses to bump into him, there are plenty of times when I've known he'll be at a particular place and I've chosen not to go. So it's not about finding a reason to bump into the ex.

 

Thing is too, I'm not "trying to be friends" - I'm just doing what I think is the right thing to do by another person. And a month ago, it wouldn't have been the right thing for me, for my healing, because then I was still angry about all sorts of stuff.

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i've followed all the rules in every e-book i bought or advice i've read on these and other forums and i am still without my ex nearly 4 months post-break-up. it simply does no good if the other person is not willing to make a step towards you even if you give them loads of time and space and then cautiously, gently make a step towards them.

 

who knows why some "dumpers" simply want the other person out of their life for good.

 

BINGO!! To Dreamguy and Ellestar....this is precisely the case with my ex. Books, tips from the OP, etc will not/does not work when the ex has these characteristics and are adamantly stuck in their ways...it's useless and should actually serve as motivation to the dumpees as to why you shouldn't/wouldn't want to get this type of ex back

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BINGO!! To Dreamguy and Ellestar....this is precisely the case with my ex. Books, tips from the OP, etc will not/does not work when the ex has these characteristics and are adamantly stuck in their ways...it's useless and should actually serve as motivation to the dumpees as to why you shouldn't/wouldn't want to get this type of ex back

 

Concise and to the point! Couldn't agree more, sabreen!

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unless she hasn't slept with him yet...in which case, he probably wants to marry her. He seemed fully infatuated with me until shortly after I gave in physically ](*,)

 

Not to pry, How long were you together before you gave in physically to him?

 

Some guys can be VERY weird like that, guess that's why I advocate waiting quite a while before the physical aspect especially if it's a relationship I consider to be quite serious cos you can never know the kind you're dealing with

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That's a hard balance to strike for women. As a man I have sympathy for you there. A lot of men start to lose interest when the woman sleeps with them. They can lose interest if she sleeps with them too early, or they'll hang around for a long time waiting to get to that point and then lose interest(challenge thing). I've heard and seen this with guys I know and it's got to be a nightmare for a woman to work out which kind of guy they are.

 

Not all though. A lot of my friends would be similar to me. Sex is a step along the relationship, an important one too. The sex also gets better so why bail after the first few times? makes no sense. Even if you look at this objectively, you've invested lots of time and emotion so why again bail at that point? makes no sense. Maybe I'm just lazy, but if I've gotten that far with someone I'm not likely to walk away and do it all over again. Yep. Lazy.

 

The other thing is that while society always goes on about the male sex drive being very high, but I've heard more of my female friends complain that they're not getting any in long term relationships. More than my male friends. Maybe with those kind of men it's all about the conquest, not the sex. Might go some way to explain how so many women aren't fully satisfied in that department.

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I think my ex was a "conquistador" of sorts! Before me, while he was in an uber Christian phase, he dated a woman who was saving her first kiss for her wedding. He said he "wanted to marry her" (they dated for 3 months before she broke up with him). I say, he saw a Virgin Goddess and was simply infatuated. He definitely started to be less attentive a couple weeks after we first slept together. And I started to feel like I was there just for his satisfaction. Whenever we got together, that was the first thing he wanted to do. Forget going to dinner or talking about each other's day - first things first! Priorities! Ugh.

 

Yes, it's becoming clearer and clearer that I'm better off without him, lol!

 

And Zorba, that's not "lazy", it's "committed".

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I think my ex was a "conquistador" of sorts! Before me, while he was in an uber Christian phase, he dated a woman who was saving her first kiss for her wedding. He said he "wanted to marry her" (they dated for 3 months before she broke up with him). I say, he saw a Virgin Goddess and was simply infatuated. He definitely started to be less attentive a couple weeks after we first slept together. And I started to feel like I was there just for his satisfaction. Whenever we got together, that was the first thing he wanted to do. Forget going to dinner or talking about each other's day - first things first! Priorities! Ugh.

 

Yes, it's becoming clearer and clearer that I'm better off without him, lol!

 

And Zorba, that's not "lazy", it's "committed".

 

LOL Yes, let him chase the Virgin Goddesses. I'm sure you were much less boring and predictable. I'm also sure that you are better off without him, for lack of his attentive nature and ability to meet your needs. I hate guys like that! (esp. when they come off differently at first than THEY get lazy during the course of the relationship. The effort it takes never stops, but the bond it creates is beautiful- it's a sorry thing when lost. Good luck with the next one! You're an attractive female- go get em!)

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Some guys can be VERY weird like that, guess that's why I advocate waiting quite a while before the physical aspect especially if it's a relationship I consider to be quite serious cos you can never know the kind you're dealing with

 

Waiting is good, because it gives the relationship a chance to grow. It builds up the anticipation and hopefully stave off the infatuation that the act can bring along with it.

 

My last ex got all hooked up in the being treated good, infatuation, sex thing and thought she was in-love, when in fact, she wasn't.

 

I think from now on, I will ask that we wait in any future relationship. I don't need this kinda hurt again. This one CUT way too deep.

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It depends completely on the people involved. In my case I've had a very good relationship with a woman I slept with about a week into going out with her(though we did know each other), another I was going out with her for 4 months before it got fully sexual.

 

You see the problem is if you wait you can't be sure he's not waiting around just for that. That happens quite a bit. Too quickly jump in the sack and if he's a moralist, double standards type or a God botherer, he could get all "oooh she's a bit fast for me", though at the time he likely won't be objecting. It really is a tough one with no hard and fast rules. I don't envy women for that I must say.

 

For me as a guy, I wouldn't particularly judge it one way or the other, within reason. I mean if it's all kicking off between the sheets within hours of knowing them I probably would figure it was just for sex. If on the other hand, she's holding off until marriage or very long down the line I would probably walk away too. In that case it would either mean she's very religious or maybe has issues with her sexuality, neither of which would gel with me. The idea of ending up with a virginal type like your ex was with would not appeal at all. I would much rather be someone's last than their first. But that's just me.

 

I wouldn't sweat the off topic stuff. How boring would a conversation be if it didn't have tangents and subplots.

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L4L: That was funny, but true.

 

Good question. When I was dating the ex, she wanted to wait. I said OK, fine. Of course, when you are with someone you think is super-hot and vice versa, the wait is killer and you still find yourself trying a little of this or a little of that. (of course a whole side convo would be whether or not this sends a message that you really aren't willing to wait) ;-)

 

So, we spend a lot of time, she sends texts and talks to me about wanting to. We do and after a while, she starts to feel guilty (she had waited for marraige ande the whole sin aspect of it).

 

So, we decide we will hold off on the physical aspect of it, but of course get caught up in other things.

 

So, she decides later, (I will give her the fact that she had to be confused and was just out of her marraige), that she confused love with the infatuation/sex feelings.

 

So, I think two totally different things happened here (the fact she wanted to wait and then felt bad about not waiting AND the fact she then thought/realized that her feelings weren't what she thought they were).

 

(As an aside, I did plenty of manipulative stuff (not about sex - more about not accepting her love - not being as trusting as I should (she kept talking about her ex), etc.) in our relationship, so I am sure some of that pushed her toward the break, well that and she just wasn't ready - it was not all her fault)

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