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Advice/Help please. (23/15)


InfectedMind
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Dear Forum Readers,

 

I am in a situation that I am not sure where I should take it now. Ok first of I am 23 years old. I met this girl (which is 15 right now) awhile back (late summer), she was introduced to me through a friend. At this time her and I met we became really close friends.

 

At the time she had a boyfriend who basically was a piece of skum. I adored this girl, I knew she deserved better and that is what I wanted for her. Basically I let her know how I felt about him and she felt the same way after I pointed out these things. Pretty much a few weeks after she met me she dumped him. Anyways I felt what I did was the right thing to do, I only want to protect her from the people that use and abuse and he was one of them. I was not the only one, her friends wanted her to dump him also, but I wanted to asure them and you that I didn't do it just so I could have her, I just didn't like the way he used her. She is to sweet of a girl to be treated like that, and if she got hurt she would take it really hard. Anyways though, she dumped him and then was interested in me.

 

I found this girl to be one of the most sweetest,loving,caring, special girl I have met in awhile. I never really seen myself being more than a loving,caring friend that is there for her. Sooner or latter though it is like our feelings for each other became more intense, it came to a point where we loved each other. From that point my friends, her and I even though maybe we should give it a chance.

 

Well me being who I am, I was a little nervous about it because of the age thing. I always told myself that I would never go under 18. I have had plenty of girls under my age ask me out, but I always rejected because I really never seen myself wanting to do it. Although my thoughts for them were not as intense for this girl.

 

Well to get to the point, we started to date. We get along really well, and I love being there for her. I told her that all I want it to give her the best because she deserves it. Our feelings are very true for each other. Now though I am looking on it and I am feeling very guilty as if I am robbin her of a life she might not get? I really do not expect this to last forever because honestly I don't think it could. She will eventually be going to college, and I feel as she grows up maybe she will be interested in exploring more. That is fine though, I want her to do what ever makes her happy, and I do not want to get in the way of anything else, like shcool or anything that will have to do with the success of her life.

 

Another thing that just bothers me and sometimes I think, am I considered scum? The age difference, I mean honestly the way I see it, as long as they are mature enough to make there own decessions, in an adult like manner (which she does, she is very smart) then it is more less just a number. Now if it is a girl who couldn't make her own decissions and basically wasn't mature, I would have not even bother (reasons why I did not mess with any of the others that were interested in me).

 

This relationship does not consist of sex, we kiss and maybe do some other things, but I have not had intercourse with her yet. One of the main reasons are, should I? I really don't think I should and I probably won't, it's not that I don't want to, she is a very attractive girl. I think it would make me feel like a pedifile. (which basically is what it would be) Another is, we seem to do ok with out it, so why bother. I don't want her to think I am not attracted to her though because I am. Plus I mean, I like sex..plain and simple, who doesn't. Being where I am at though I can't just go out and get some because I would never cheat on a girlfriend.

 

The other big thing is parents..ya. Being the lucky person I am, her father is a surgeon, and her mother....DUN DUN DUNNNN...a lawyer. Yep' no lie, well she isn't now but she was. So yes that is a big hold back. When we see each other we do it at the movies or out in public, school or over friends. I mean I can go over there, because they think I am 18 (apparently it is what she told them) but I just don't feel right about it so I don't. So ok yes that is another hold back.

 

I also feel as if I might be robbin her life, like taking away her teendays. I mean some girls like to be able to explore and date guys in high school maybe 1 or 2 weeks and it is over. She told me in an email the other day (we communicate alot through email, IM, phone, lives 20minutes away or so) that before she met me she was moreless like any other girl in school and just wanted to be noticed by the guys and asked out. She said she was just looking for the 2 week type relationship and move on, bu then she said she met me and fell in love with me and has never felt this way for anyone else, and I will foralways have her. I feel the same way about her, and honestly I couldn't really see myself with a better match, we click really well. So that made me feel as if I stole a part of her away, something she doesn't get to experiance.

 

But I also know sometime life brings you great things but you will need to sacrafice those things for the better. This is what I am asking. What should I do, continue the relationship or somehow put it to an end? It would really crush her, as well as me to do that. I am truley in love with her, and she the same. But I just want to make sure I do what is best for the both of us.

 

Honestly, another thing is. I am a very effectionate,passionate person. When I fall in love with someone, I fall deep and hard. But I am scared if I lose her then I won't be able to find anyone else that I could feel the same way for. I am also afraid of losing a friendship, I am not sure if I could continue to be friend with her because my feelings would be to strong and I would just get upset being around her and I do not want that to happen. I told her no matter what I would always be her protector and there to comfort her and I am afraid that I would have to break that promise. I know this relationship will not last for ever, so I am thinking why not just let it go until it comes to an end on it's own? But I question that and think, as that a good idea?.. I don't know, I am just somewhat confused.

 

Ok though, I have took up enough of your time. Thanks for reading and replying when/if you do. I appreciate the help and I thank you for it.

 

Sincerely,

InfectedMind

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InfectedMind,

I give you credit for having maturity and thinking it all through. It seems as though your feelings are genuine and your heart is in the right place - why not let her read what you just posted. At least that way she would know where you're coming from and get an understanding of why you're considering ending the relationship. If she is as mature as you say, she might be able to see it from your point of view and understand why you're having conflicted feelings about the relationship.

 

I'm sure you're aware that (I believe) in most states she would not be considered an adult. If you continue the relationship and the sexual aspect leads to intercourse, no matter whether she consented or not, you could be in serious trouble. I can almost guarantee that if her folks found out your real age they'd be furious and would most likely want to prevent her from seeing you (not because you're a bad person, but most likely due to the age difference).

 

In my opinion, 15 is too young for anyone to be in a serious exclusive relationship - heck, I'd go as far as to say 23 is too young. And if you're already thinking now that it's not going to last, that's a pretty good indication that it won't. As difficult as it may seem, I think your gut is already telling you what to do. Let her experience what being a teen is all about. Who knows - maybe in a few years you can hook up again and the relationship might be even better with some added wisdom and life experience in the mix.

 

good luck,

hourglass

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Hi, I have some experience on a situation similar to this. I was 26 dating an 18 year old; she was just graduating high school. You sound like a very smart guy with a good head on your shoulders. It's perfectly legal to date someone under age, just NO sex. However there are moral obligations that you need to fulfill to her and yourself. Yes most people will look down on you for dating someone younger. You are right on basing the relationship on maturity, as it's really about how you feel for each other. It's hard though, teenagers may or may not be smart, but they are still very impressionable. I know how it might seem to other people, like you are taking advantage of the poor girl. As long as you give her all the freedom she needs and you don't try to manipulate her she should be okay. Your also right in saying it probably wont last, and it's not good to ever think it would. In fact my ex split up with me in the end because she wanted her freedom, to be young and to explore. She loved me till the end and it was hard for both of us, but when we started dating we made it clear that we would likely split up because of this and get hurt. We agreed that was something we could deal with and enjoyed the time together that we had. As long as you understand this and can accept the pain that will come along with her leaving you, things should be okay. If you are thinking about ending it now because you don't think you can deal with the pain, be very careful. This is where people can get out of control, especially teens. She must CLEARLY understand why you made that decision if you do end up leaving her. If you know that you can deal with the pain ride it out. You never know, it could go years and you could end up together, not likely though. So far you are doing fine from what you have talked about. Have restraint, NO sex...otherwise her mom will surely have your butt, you know how these things always seem to get out. Besides that you don't need sex to be in love with someone, you know that though. Just enjoy the time you have together.

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Hello,

 

Thanks for the possitive feedback.

 

(post#1)

I am located in VA, from what I have read I think 18 is legal age of consent, or so that is what it says. When I read all of the legal type about dating/sexual intercourse, it really scared me and is what brought me here. All thought we have not had it yet, I am sure it will be something soon to come up. I do not want to get her nor myself in any trouble. Sometimes I think the laws are not fair, but yet we have people who would abuse these things if they didn't exist so...what can we do.

 

Honestly though, when it comes to love, I really see those things as minor issues and not something that is worth ending a relationship, but more less maybe something to work around. Ending the relationship is the last thing that I want to do. I love her to death and I would prefer to keep things going.

 

The main reason I figure it would not last is, college. If it did last that long, long distance relationship would not work for me. I am a very effectionate,passionate person. I love to be able to be with my girl as often as possible to hold and hug and protect. It hurts me not seeing her a day moreless months, etc etc. Knowing I couldn't do these things while she is away, it would kill me.

 

As far as letting her experiance what a teen is all about, I try my best. The only thing I feel like I am robbin her is the dating scene. Honestly though I got mad when she said she just wanted to be able to date guys, maybe for a week or 2. It made me feel like she had no self-respect for herself, and that is what I am trying to get her to see. She is a special person, and she needs to be treated with the greatest repsect possible. I know most guys these days just don't have it, we have the pimps and the players out there. I can just see her getting hurt way to often and that is what I don't want. I try to let her know these things, but of course when I tell her this stuff I clearly let her know I am not trying to manipulate her in anyways to turn against guys in school. I am sure there are some nice ones out there. I am more less just opening her eyes so she can be prepared for e real reality of life, because most guys are looking for one thing.

 

Most people are surprised when the actually get to know me. I am very gentlemen like and it takes them by surprise. I just feel like women should be treated with respect and you should do what ever it takes to make them feel special and protect them. So when it comes to interfearing with her teen life, that maybe about the only thing I feel like I am doing. I am very open person, if she want's to do something, it's fine with me. I have no problem with her doing stuff with friends, I did it when I was young and I had fun, I would not want to take it from her. So as far as anything else, I think she is basically living a teen life. Actually it is really cool, because I have always hung with younger people than me (except when I was young lol), all of my friends are somewhat younger. And I am friends with pretty much all of her friends, and well I guess she doesn't feel that I am interfearing because I get invited to alot of things by her. Most people think I am a teenager, I just have that look, it's nice . I am always making it clear to her though that I am not in anyway trying to interfear with her life, keep tabs etc etc.

 

Well I think I have drug this out a little more than I wanted to. Thanks for your reply Hourglass, it was very much appreciated.

 

 

 

(post#2)

Yes, I feel it is unfair how people judge relationships by age, I mean there has to be a line drawn at certain points. It is not like a find a little kid and bribed her with candy to date me. I definatly know that I am not trying to take advantage of her. My age is just 2 numbers, it does not make who I am, it doesn't make me a pervert, doesn't make me a pedifile, doesn't make me a rapist, doesn't make me a killer, I make me and people should realize that. I am a quiet, shy person, very sweet. I feel as if her parents actually knew me and the way I am, and how I want to treat and protect their daughter, I bet they would fall in love with me. Honestly though, I don't see that happening *lol* because of my age. To bad things like this have to be look upon.

 

Freedom and space is one of the most important things I try to do. I always have told her I am never trying to keep her from doing anything, I would never try to control her in anyway, she is her own person and makes her own decissions and I would have no right to interfear with that. I am open to what ever she does (there are certain lines not to cross though) all I ever ask her to do is to just let me know what she is going to do, weither it's going out with friends or whatever. Not because I want to stalk her and keep tabs. It just makes me feel more comfortable knowing what she is doing and knowing she isn't doing it behind my back, plus it would make me nervous not knowing incase something happens. I try my best to not interfear with her sociallife, it is one of the most important parts of growing up. I am always making sure I never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable. I always make sure I ask her everynight after we see each other to find out if I have so I can make sure to fix it, but it hasn't come to that. That is why we have much respect for each other, we are open to things.

 

The more and more I talk about it, I just feel like maybe I should let it ride through, but with caution. If it is not going to last forever (which I only wish it could) why not just try to enoy all of the time you have left and make it the best. This has been a topic she and I have been talking about for a few days now, it is what made me find this board. I was feeling really upset and needed some were to turn for advice. We feel as if it is something that can continue until the end, when ever it comes. It would probably get to me more than her when it comes to the break-up. I just don't want any of this to ruin our future relationship, weither it is still dating or just being friends. I guess all I can do is take it day by day and see where it takes me.

 

Ok well thanks for your reply zippitt, very much appreciated

 

Take care, thanks again for your replys guys.

 

Sincerely,

InfectedMind

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Dear Infected Mind,

 

Hi, I have read your posts and find I may be of some help in your situation. I myself am in an age gap relationship where I am 17 and my boyfriend almost 31. (that leaves a 14yr age gap)

 

The situation you are in, was very much teh same as my boyfriend and mine when we first started out. First of all, how long have you been dating this girl?

 

I feel very relieved to hear you are such a kind man toward this girl, and I definatealy don't think you should end this relationship over such small doubts. I would however like to inform you of some of the problems that may arise in your future together.

 

My boyfriend and I are luckily very open and communicate about everything which is vital in any relationship, especially one where alot of understanding of differences is needed. We find each other very close in maturity as I have had to grow up and mature fast due to life circumstances, and he is young at heart. Wea are best of friends and very socially compatible. We enjoy the same things etc. etc. I'm sure you feel this with your girl too.

 

However over the course of our relaitonship many issues have been hard for me to work through and come to terms with, but by staying open we hvae worked through these. One problem I experience and wouldn't be surprised if your girl experiences is finding it hard to open up and trust my bf as I haven't been in the situation before, (this is my first real relationship) I have had struggles with the fact my bf has been with other people, both in relationships and intimacy, as I have only been intimate with one other person and this did not involve sex, hence my bf was my first. We are both very explorative in sex, but I feel a sense of it not being as important to him as it is to myself as he's shared that with many other people.

 

Also I have insecurities of what he may do while I am not with him. He has never given me reason to doubt him, and he barely has anytime on his own as it is to do anything, and we are open about everything, but because I fear of losing him so much, and he has been intimate with others before me, this is something I worry about.

 

My boyfriend also worries he will take away precious times of exploration and experience with other boys and things in life he may not be able to give me. This has been very heavily discussed as he cares too much to let me miss out. However this is not a reason to split up, one part of this exploration for her is the exploration of your relationship. You can give her just as much room to explore as she would have without you, and I don't mean to let her cheat or have an open relationship. You could show her things, explore with her, maybe let her kiss other boys or even other things ONE DAY together, with the knowledge you will still be together, and you have let her try new things. I don't however suggest this sort of things should happen straight away, or even till you feel your relationship is strong enough to cope with it. Because I know my boyfriend does not want to stop my exploration, that in itself cures the need to do it. Just being in a strong relationship is a BIG exploration for a young girl liek myself as most girls don't get to experience that for a long time.

 

I suggest as one of the previous posters did above, to show your girl your initial post, to show her how much you care, if this is hard to express to her. Maybe even get together to read the replies and talk about them, this may help you quite a bit.

 

As for the age thing, yes it is just a number, and the law is definitely unfair. I don't personally believe you should feel like a pedifile if you slept with your girlfriend, if it was for the right reasons and she knew all of her options. But please be careful and make sure if you do become intimate with this girl that she is fully consenting and it will not come back on you.

 

You say you are worried you will stop her from exploring...think about it, this lucky girl of yours gets to experience what is obviously a very strong love and care for her from you, and safely can experience and share in this with you. If you do come to a stage where you become fully intimate it will be in a caring environment, and further exploration. Everything you share with her will be new to her, so you're definitely not stopping exploration.

 

True, I understand you do not want to hold her back, especially if she is going away to college, but if your relationship is strong enough, and it is right for her, she will treasure it for the both of you. But please don't go ending it over a few worries like these, if anything it shows you care more for her, that you even worry she might not explore things. All i can say is that my relationship has been an explorative and loving one, and if anything an age gap is better as you can be strong for her and she can learn from your experience also.

 

You seem like a sweet guy and she shouldn't lose you over this.

Best wishes

~Baby bear~

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