what is my daughter doing....confused mom

[msanders209cs.com]

My daughter would have been married to her high school sweetheart 3 yrs next month. She has fallen in love with a lesbian friend. I'm trying to keep this brief and only give the pertinent details. My daughter and S-I-L always had a great relationship....they really loved each other...until this other woman came into the picture. Within just a few months my daughter became someone none of us knew. She started lying and sneaking around with this (older) woman. My daughter has moved in with "the other woman" and left everything behind. I'm so confused...we're all confused.

My daughter admitted she has never had any lesbian tendencies, and she wasn't unhappy. My S-I-L is beside himself. He thought the girls were friends...but???

There are so many unanswered questions. We have always been very close, able to discuss anything....but she won't talk to me about this new relationship. I'm scared....there's an ex-girlfriend in the picture that's threatening physical harm.

We have always been loving and supportive of our daughter's. We try not to interfere. Is it time to say "what the *** is going on"?? I see this going to a really ugly place. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.

[kseyerlein]

My sister dropped the lesbian boomb on her husband and me when their son was 2 they have been separated ever since and never had a divorce. She has had several girlfriends and it breaks our mother's heart. All in all the strength my mother has relied on is her constant prayers to the most powerful of beings. Our God. she knows in her heart of hearts that if she prays and does so in earnest for the best interest of Gods will in our lives then all will end up being fine. My sisters free will in the matter is an issue of debate in me. Our biological father was a child molester of at least two girls that I know of and one of them being me. I am not sure if he did molest my sister or not but neither one is saying. My therapist told me after I went through treatment that girls tend to go in any or all of the following ways if they were molested:

 

1. denial and memory loss of the event. May never come back or returns when adult and the female feels she is safe from danger and threats that were imposed.

 

2. Go into shock and have fear of all men.

 

3. become suicidal

 

4. Have low self esteem & self worth

 

5. Become frigid and constantly celibate even in marriage

 

6. Become ovberly sexed

 

7. Become lesbians since there is a false sense of security that it is not a man in which sex is preformed with

 

8. Self absorbed

 

9. rebellious beyond regular teen rebellion

 

10. Goes against the grain of all things normal

 

So what can you do? Love your daughter. Tell her that you love her and that will never change. Be honest and tell her how you feel about the relationship she is now in and how you will not accept it if you don't. Make it clear that you will like to continue to see her but it will have to be done on neutral terrritory so that you will not feel as though you are in their place and supporting the way they live. Pray for her. Be supportive of your son in law and help him get over his pain. He will need to go on with his life and your support may mean a lot. My brother in law was shocked and touched by the support of our parents and myself in helping him gain his way to self happiness. Although they are still not divorced and my nephew is now 11. That is 9 years of him waiting and not dating anyone and still loves my sister. He says he will not give up until she files and pays for a divorce which he then will fight in court since he wants his son and wife with him. But my sister is head strong and has been. I have seen her tom boyish ways since childhood change into something a little odd when she was about 8. When she told me I wasn't shocked. I simple said I had a feeling that there was something wrong since she was about that age and told her why I didn't tell her and why I kept asking her if (Lee) had abused her or not. We were sent back and forth to him for visits in alternating times so that we were not there to protect each other. That is why I feel the way I do and she won't confirm or deny. but as they say those that do not deny silently concent to the fact.

I hope what I have written has helped. Pray and talk to her but don't pressure or demand. If you do the latter you wil drive her farther away from you.

[routerx]

Sounds like she is in her mid-20's?

 

Here's what I would suggest:

 

1) If she's living at home, you make the rules. So tell her to comply with your wishes or move out.

 

2) If she's not living at home, sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her that she does not have to agree, but you want to make it clear how you feel and WHY you feel that way.

 

Fact is, if she's not living at home, it's her call. She may have to learn the hard way, but be sure to do #2.

 

My parents let me make mistakes, and boy did I learn. But, I could never hold it against them, because they TOLD me where they stood. I had to look in the mirror... and I did.. and I turned out pretty normal and I love my parents.

[Ash]

Sounds like both you and your daughter are going through a very diificult time. Contrary to routerx, I don't think this is the right time to play a tough person and lay out how it has to be. When somebody is having difficulties communicating as your daughter is, they almost have to be coaxed into talking.

 

Continue to show your love and support for your daughter. Perhaps see if your husband, or some close aunt or uncle can talk to her. In some of the tricky times in my life, I've found a close relative easier to discuss feelings candidly with than my parents.

 

Perhaps she thinks you won't approve of her choice of lifestyle. I'm not sure if you do or not, but if you don't, let her know.

 

As for this ex-girlfriend threatening physical harm, that sounds like another issue entirely. That could just as easily be an ex-boyfriend. I think you have to deal with that the way you would any other threat and isolate it from your daughter's situation.

 

Best of luck