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Should I forgive him or move on?


DGirl
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I was married last November so my 1 year anniversary is coming fast. About 7 months ago I discovered that my husband posted a singles add for himself on line....yes after we were married????

I am trying to give our marriage a fair shot here, but I just aint getting over it! He swears that he never has and never would have acted on it, but you dont go fishing unless you intend to catch fish!

We work completely different hours, i work nights he works days, so while i'm at work he hangs with his friends a lot. I dont blame him for that cause i'm not home so why should he sit home alone. But I always find myself questioning where he is and what he's doing and i just dont trust him! I'm just tired of not trusting him. He has lied to me about other stuff as well. This just topped the cake!

I am going to counsling and I am leaning tword just ending it, but something is holding me back and I dont know what....maybe just comfort? But at this point i dont even have comfort! What should I do? I'm soooo hurt and very confussed! If he did this 3-4 months into marriage, what is he gonna do in 3-4 yrs after children? I'd rather get it over with and leave before any kids come along! Please help me!

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Well, this is truly a decision only you can make....you know the things he lied about, we don't, and I'd have to question the placing of the singles' ad, with the same thought that you had: you don't place it unless you want people to answer it. My only solution as to why he may have done that was a confidence booster, to see who'd answer him, since he's married now. Weak, but the best I can come up with as a possible reason as to why he did it.

 

I'm glad you're going to counseling, and I assume you've suggested that he try it as well? Have you talked to him seriously about the things that bother you? You can't really hold a grudge or suspicions about what he does when you're not around, since he can't help the hours he works any more than you can, short of changing jobs.

 

Beyond that, it's your call. If you feel you can't trust him over these things, and that you think it'll only get worse, then that's for you to figure out. But I'd certainly give it a fair shot at working before calling it quits, it HAS only been a year! Yes, he made mistakes....but you stayed with him, which signifies you forgave him for that and were willing to move on. Think about what you want in a partner, why you love your husband, and why you should work at this marriage. If you can't come up with any reasons, then I suppose you have your answer as to whether to stay together or not. But I truly can't see that everything you felt for him and he you would fade over such a short course of time!

 

Mar

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First of all get a job that has you working days or have your shift changed. YOur marriage depends on how much you put into it as well as the monetary. He may have been feeling he is in competion with your job and may not even know it. Some men are dolts like that. They don't know why they do something they do until you find out what is the thing they feel they are competing against in getting your love.

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I am sorry about this. It is good that this is happening early in the marriage. This is NOT a good sign at all. Talk to him and ask him what are his reasons for this. If you get a stupid answer, you all may need some separation time. Getting a daytime job may not change this problem. Also he new about the night job before you all got married. The add may eventually lead to something else. Talk to him first then make a decision based on what was said. Separation may help if not go ahead and get out at this early stage. I am sorry but I am starting a zero tolerance policy. Why deal with bs from a man. There is some man out there who wont take you through this mess. It aint worth it. Life is just to short.

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every man has a jealousy problem that is inherent in them whether they admit it or not. My husband is a little jealous over my time spent with my parents since my dad has lung cancer now. Although he understands the situation he admits he has to deal with the loss of having me around like he used to. He feels lonely and out of place. Not many guys will admit it but will try and find something to fill the empty feelings and loneliness they feel. Men are not very good at stating their weaknesses. Women have a tendency to talk over everything where guys only talk mostly about being in control, having control, and not liking loosing control or never loosing control. That is the way males are raised in our world and mothers and fathers need to start breaking the mold so that there is more men that will admit their weaknesses before it gets them into trouble so that husbands and wives can have fuller and happier marriages.

That is why I suggested a day time job for you. Without letting him know that you feel his weakness is loneliness stemming from your work situations you may solve the one thing he feels is a big separation problem in your marriage. With that in mind a further separation may not be the answer. Keep in mind that no matter what guy you end up with they are not perfect and any of them at one time or another even with good intentions will disappoint us. Just like men think we nag they are button lipped.

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Thank you all for all your input! Changing jobs is not an option for me! This is my career, a very well paying job with great benefits. I am the bread winner in the family and that is just not possible. Godforbid this doesn't work out then i need to know I'll be able to pay my mortgage and live my life on my own without financial help from anyone. I am a very independent woman and that wont change for anyone or anything. I think life is to short, i am giving my marriage a fair shot but only time will tell! Some things just cant be forgotten! Thanx again!

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Do you have children? If so then it would be hard for him to get an evening job as the kids will need one of you around during the day if they are too young to be home alone. Plus that wouldn't be safe for them. But if there is no children then maybe having him switch to a night job if he is not the soul bread winner as you say. Maybe he can then take some day classes to improve upon himself sothat he can be the bread winner in the family. That alone may make him feel inadequate and like he is of no value. Men have the need to feel that they contribute and are the bread winner of the family. Maybe encouragement to have him get the additional education to further his career or to obtain one will be a partial solution.

You said "I am a very independent woman and that wont change for anyone or anything." Yet you may expect him to change anything that is of improtance to you. You both need to sit down and learn to compromise on the everyday life and how he feels inadequate at you being the bread winner and being so independent that he feels he probably is little or no use to you other than a play thing that hangs around. I have 10 brothers and I am glad I asked them a lot of how a guy would feel in certain situaltions. It has helped me to have a easier time in my first years of marriage than most. everyone thinks we have been married for years when we really have only been married going on four. But our willingness to see the other persons needs, concerns, feelings as important as our own and would do anything to help the other be happy we are willing to even change some of our own ways once we look at them to make eacho ther more comfortable and happy. The hardest thing that has hit us is that my husband is recently disabled and is now home all day. It is frustrating now having any personal time to myself at times. He sees this and gives me a little space and I do my best to care for him in everyway possible. I am as independent as any other woman out there but I would never let my husband feel he was inferior to me and temp fate and have him find someone one the side or leave me for them because they made him feel needed and that he was important enough to them to change some things in themselves to make him happy. Marriage is a two way street and infidelity is a symptom of something else bothering him not just the fact he is looking just to be looking. Take a good look at the both of you and your attitudes and maybe just maybe you can then come to terms with them, compromise, or each of you change a little. In that way you both will be giving of yourselves and gaining a whole lot.

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I do understand that home attitue has a lot to do with the way people react tword eachother, but my main problem is this on line singles add! I just cant get past it! We do not have children, we are both 28 yrs old and we have been together a total of 9 yrs(married almost 1). And now he does this to me! Eveytime i think to myself well we made it through so much maybe we are ment to be together....i think hell no he basically cheated on me! Like I said before, you dont go fishing unless you inted to catch fish right?

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You still are not trying to see things from the guy point of view and are stuck with not getting over it because you say he did this to you. Well honey here is a clue. You let it happen to you. you have a big thing of being the bread winner, having the career, and not having anyone to rely on that you and only you have made your husband to feel he has nothing to give you. A man in order to feel like a man and not to roam needs to feel that he is a major contributor in the marriage. He needs to feel that he has a sense of control in his relationship with you. Not your career, your bread winner situation, or what he does to you. In fact more women need to wake up alittle bit because men have a terrible way of expressing their needs and it ends up hurting us. Did you ever stop to think - honey - that he meant you to find the ad to get you shook up and notice him. It isn't that hard to hide that kindof info and only have access to it with your owncode to where it is totally unacessible and will not even be known to anyone else who gets onto the computer. So stop and think and see if this is a cry for attention. Men are childish in that manner and won't admit it. It is the same as when they are ill they are big babies and don't admit that either. So wake up and look at the underlying issues in your relationship that is bothering your husband and the ones that are bothering other than this ad which is a cry of help and a symptom of a illness that is going to blow up in your face and it won't be pretty. You say you are independent then take charge of yourself and gain composure. Find out what is really going on and straighten things out now or separate if that is your end desire. But if you want this 9 year relationship to work you need to take a look in the mirror and see what you have put, not put, did, did not do, say, or did not say in your marriage and relationship that got you into this mess. and have him do the same. Stop concentrating on what he has done and look at what he will be willing to do, say, etc. Then both of you compromise and get on with living a good and happy marriage. Every relationship needs ground rules that both agree to by giving, taking, and compromising. compromising and communication being the largest of the two to keep things happy and trustworthy.

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No he didn't mean for me to find it cause it was almost near imposible to find! To this day I really dont know how I stumbled upon it, but he didn't use his real name but his physical description match to a tea and that is how I pined him on it! And when i confronted him about it he was like a deer in head lights. So i really dont think he wanted me to find it!

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Still all in all there has to be other things going on besides just this in order for him to be on the prowl. And a man may look and wonder just like any male animal if given the time, oppurtunity, dissatisfaction, inadequacies, and temptation. If he is caught then he is caught but what made him want to roam in the first place. That is the quetion you have to fine the answer to and he may not be able to tell you why. A few of my brother's say men tend to act and think later. Even then they may not be able to tell you what made them do it even if it was the feeling of loneliness or possibly and the feeling of not being worth anything in the relationship since you seem to be so self efficient and not needing anyone.

Ask him if he feels if you in some way have made him feel that he is not doing much or if he feels in any way thratened by your success. Ask him if he feels he isn't the man he wants to be in your life in some way and feels badly about that. Yo will have to ask quetions like that and and any other similar ones you can come up with in order to find out where his emotions are stagnating. Then you need to plan on doing quite a lot of things together that are fun and exciting like when you were dating and before marriage. Most married people stop going out on dates and going out to have fun with their loved one. How long has it been since you both went out just the two of you to have fun. Even going to a hotel out of town for the weekend or whenever you both can arrange the two days off in a row. Go and rekindle your love for one another. Men have the need for constant naked contact and women need the cuddle contact so you both need different things emotionally feel love and physically feel it too. If sex has wained in your marriage due to your schedules he could be under a lot of normal testosterone over kill. That is not healthy and highly unadvised to keep up in a marriage if a husband is not to roam.

 

As they say a BULL will find another COW if the STALL is LOCKED.

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