Is my fiance addicted to porn and why?

[confused_ozi_girl]

I am 29 yo and I have been in a relationship with my fiance for just over 4 years, I am currently 6 months pregnant with our first child together and I have an 8yo daughter from a previous marriage. He is a wonderful caring father to my daughter and she adores him but he has been physically abusive to me in the past and we have had alot of up and downs in our relationship, we moved interstate 10 months ago and everything has been perfect since then, he is never abusive towards me anymore and he has been very caring and loving towards me. In the past I was constantly finding hard core porn magazines and videos that he has bought and hidden from me and I have even found phone calls to sex lines and chat lines on our phone bills (one bill even came to over $2000) the phone calls were rare but the magazines and videos have been constant for the past 3 years, whenever I confronted him about it he would always turn it into an argument and become violent and abusive towards me and then afterwards he would apologise and promise that he will stop buying them and even used to throw them all out, but a few months later I would always find he has snuck behind my back and stocked up on his collection yet again, even though he knows how much it hurts me. Ever since we moved and I have been pregnant things have been different and I thought that all this porn stuff had stopped but yesterday I found a new stash of magazines and videos. I have always been a very self conscious person and I find it so hurtful when I find that he sneaks behind my back and buys a secret stash of videos and magazines that he brings out when I am not around. I am a very open minded person, we have watched porn together in the past and we even have a large collection of "toys" that we have bought together, we have always had a very passionate sex life and we are both quiet adventurous and like the same things so I cannot understand why he needs all this porn when I give him everything he has ever desired in the bedroom. Before becoming pregnant I was a size 6 and I am now a size 14 so I am feeling even more self conscious at the moment, we never use to be able to go a day without having sex and now I am lucky if he wants it once a week and when I ask him why, he says he is tired or he is worried about hurting the baby. I really don't know what to do anymore in the past I have given him the choice between me and his porn and he always chooses me, so why does he continue to do it behind my back. I want to confront him about my recent find but I am scared of him reacting violent like he used to in the past, but also I am not willing to put up with these constant lies and broken promises and at the moment I don't even think I can trust him. What should I do?

[Gilgamesh]

Well before i start just want to say that I deplore violence and he is very wrong in this.

 

But what you need to ask yourself is, why are you threatened by him looking at porn?

 

Fact : He doesnt substitute porn for sex with you, because in the past he had porn also and as you said, had sex every night. so that cannot be the problem.

 

This is the first baby you have had with this man, he may have issues with making love to a pregnant woman.

 

You ask, why he needs to see this stuff if you give him everything, its not the same thing. Ill give you a example how you do a similar thing then you can get an idea.

 

Do you enjoy romance novels? romantic movies? why? under your logic, this must mean your husbands love is not enough, it must mean he doesnt love you, see what i mean?

 

Its pretty well known that in general Men are visual creatures, women use thoughts, thats why guys in general like viewing porn while women enjoy romance novels etc.

 

So now lets ask the question again, what is the real reason this bugs you, could it be you are experiencing low self esteem? and are insecure? I think this is the real reason, after all, you stayed with this guy even though he was abusive to you. that tells me a lot.

 

There are a lot of things that turn guys off, nagging over un-important stuff like magazines is one of them. the 2000 bucks on phone sex is a good reason to get upset.

 

Here is the deal, you got together with this guy, he physically abused you and you knew long ago he was into this stuff, you accepted him like this, luckely he has stopped abusing you, and now your worried about this? now?

[Princess777]

Hello,

 

I'm sorry to hear of your problems...I remember when I was pregnant, my emotions ran totally wild, so keep that in mind, your body is not normal right now, OK???? Keep that in perspective and you'll feel a lot better. Give yourself a break from the emotions with nice long baths and some relaxation...stress is not good for the baby either...

OK so about your man, you obviously love him very much and I would suspect you might be a little afraid of him, to have put up with all this that you do not approve of....the physical abuse is definitely bad, and you don't deserve that. I can only say that you need to make some decisions on what you will allow in your life. You are not trying to control this guy in any way by not allowing porn and abuse in your life. You are controlling your own life. Number one, be glad you haven't married him, and DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not too late to back out of the marriage should you choose to do so. IF you stay with him, I would tell him that the wedding is off until further notice because you do not feel comfortable with the way he has abused you in the past, you do not deserve it, and you feel that his obsession with porn is disrespectful to you and you prefer him not to engage in it. You could always do the childish thing and give him a taste of his own medicine, i.e. leave Playgirl magazines where he can find them and see how he likes it. But I don't think that is the best answer because you're only lowering yourself..... I'd venture to say that he wouldn't like it at all though!!!! ha ha....it's always interesting to see how a man reacts to that... porn is always fine until a woman buys a ladies entertainment magazine, then the tables turn and for some reason that's wrong and they get all jealous and get penis envy. OK so you probably shouldn't do that, that's so immature!!! (funny though)

In any case, always draw your decisions and conclusions from his ACTIONS, not his words after you make him aware of your preferences. Do not threaten him, do not give him an ultimatum.... just tell him your preferences, see how he acts, and make your decisions from that.... it is not fair to him or to you, to try to control him. If porn is more important to him than you, he'll show that in his actions, and that'll give you all the more reason and courage to leave. I know how hard it is to push away someone whom you love when they do things that drive you insane - be strong and don't allow him to physically abuse you again!

Good luck,

Princess777

[routerx]

First off, I disagree with Gilgamesh in many ways. There is never, ever a justifcation for porn in your life. It's not like a romance novel, and yes, some romance novels are too graphic as well, how many people, HONESTLY, have ever said, in the LONG run, that porn made their marriage better? I'm talking about the LONG run, not just temporarily. I've NEVER met anyone who said this.

 

The fact is, this is about love, compassion, and caring. Anything that pulls you away from that is wrong.

 

If you ever fear violence from someone, they need help. If they don't get help, you need to move on.

 

This guy sounds like he has major issues. Porn.. violence.. what's next?? Hitting the kids?

 

PORN IS A PROBLEM, DON'T KID YOURSELF

Ask for 1 year, that there are no more toys, videos, anything in your sex lives other than just the two of you. For 1 year, no violence. If he can't keep this promise, he has a very big problem and you need to face the facts.

 

I think you are feeding the problem by using the sex toys.

 

Does he treat you like a woman or a sexual doll? Does he hold your hand? Does he care about your feelings? Does he hug you when you are sad? Why are you not married? Are you SURE he wants to marry you? Why do YOU want to marry a man who is so violent.

 

Things simply don't change unless you get others involved. I suggest getting involved with a church group for your kids sake. He will see that his behavior is deviant and criminal. You desever better.

[charmed]

Hi Everyone !

 

routerx, I have to disagree with you. I suspect what you actually mean is that "YOU BELIEVE" there is never a justification for porn in ones life. I believe that Gilgamesh's analagy is quite good myself - so are you saying that there is something wrong with me for really believing that?

 

I also believe that sex toys can be fun under the correct circumstances.

 

I understand that you are a religious person, but the answer to many problems in the world are not necessarly to live by gods rules. You are advising people to abstain from certain things based on your religious views. You should remember that many many people on this site are not religious, and to condem them is to point fingers at half the eNotalone community and say that they simply are wrong !

[meanlady1]

Porn is certainly Ok, that is very human beings, as long as this is not cheating

 

But for the Sex on line with bill US$ 2,000, it is too much, seems to me he has sex addiction problem that need help.

 

Never ever accept violent/abuse in a relationship. It can be a very very bad cycle and seriously damage your self-esteem, he hit you , then he said how sorry he is and want you back, and he will hit you again, this is the formula that never changes since long time ago.

 

Think about your kids, if they are going to grow up in this kind of abusive family , they are going to have problems/issues when they are adults.

 

Take care

[routerx]

Charmed,

 

You are right. All of my comments should be prefaced with "I believe this.." but I think people know that. If not, I'll do that in the future. I'm not speaking for anyone except for myself, of course.

 

I'm simply giving advice based upon my life experience. Church happens to be a part of my life experience. I'm no one's judge and I have never made a comment on enotalone that shows me as one.

 

Thanks for your comments though. I'll be sure to word things correctly as to not offend.

[confused_ozi_girl]

Hello again everyone. Well I confronted him about this and as usual he flew off the handle and turned it all back on me and accused me of making a big deal out of nothing and now he won't even talk to me about it and is just ignoring me altogether. Why can't he see that this is hurting me, when we first got together he gave away all his porn to his brother without me even asking him to, because he thought it was disrespectful for him to have all that around once we started living together. What has changed, has he all of a sudden lost this respect for me. I am really getting sick of having this same argument time and time again, if he really love me he wouldn't keep lying about it and sneaking behind my back, he just doesn't seem to care that he is really hurting me. Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing, is it really worth arguing about?

 

The past couple of months our sex life has dropped dramatically and it hurts me to know that he would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with me. We can't even talk civil about this without him flying off the handle, he just refuses to discuss it.

 

But what do I do now, I really do love him, we are supposed to be getting married next year and I am 6 months pregnant. Maybe it's easier just to put up with it.

[HOUSES4RENT]

I'm Where You're At Right Now But Thank God I'm Not Pregnant With His Kid Or Anyone Elses. I Totally Understand How You Feel About Him Looking At Porn. Your Boyfriend Sounds Like Mine. A Selfish Jerk With A Huge Male Ego And Control Issues. Sounds Like It's Okay For Him But Not For You. Double Standards!!

 

My Boyfriend Of 9 Months Has Been Doing This For A Little Over 3 Months Now And It Really Hurts My Feelings. His Response To Me Is, "well At Least I'm Not Cheating On You" And "believe Me, Those Mags Don't Do Anything For Me". Yeah, Right!! Then Why Look At Them?

 

When We First Met We Had Sex Every Single Day, 3 Times A Day And I Loved It!!! Now, After 9 Months, It's "when He Can Stand It Up".

 

Since It's No Big Deal To Him Then I Guess He Won't Mind That I Went Out And Bought A Few Playgirl Mags Of My Own And A 10" Vibrator.

 

I Contacted A Porn Mag Company And Sent In A Few Pics Of My Own. Once My Pics Get Into Print, I'm Going To Buy A Copy Of The Mag And Leave It Sitting On The Coffee Table For Him And His Friends To Look At. I'm Sure He Won't Mind, Right? Hahahaha!!!!

 

 

 

I Am Someone Who Believes This Way. What Is Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander.

 

We Used To Have Sex 3 Times A Day Every Day Of The Week And That Was Great For Me But Now He Makes Excuses Not To Have Sex Or Has To Look At Porn Before He Can Have Sex With Me Or Has To Smoke Weed To "stand It Up" So He Says.

 

We Have Been Boyfriend And Girlfriend For 9 Months And Also Have Lived Together 9 Months. We Spend Most Of Our Waking Hours Together. We Work Together, Live Together And Go Out At Night 7 Days A Week Together. He's My Best Friend Only I Have Emotional And Loving Feelings For Him That I Don't Think He Has For Me Anymore.

 

There Are Other Issues With Him. He Is An Alcoholic And Drinks Beer From The Minute He Wakes Up To The Minute He Goes To Sleep With No Breaks In Between.

[3boys]

Do you think it might have something to do with you being pregnant? I know a few guys who are worried about having sex while their partner is pregnant, thinking they might injure the baby (yes, I know they can't, but there ARE actually guys who believe that). Have you asked him about it? If not, that might be a question you want to ask (about him being worried/scared/whatever b/c you're pregnant)....

[uhoh2k]

I definetly feel your pain(minus the violence)I am only 3 months pregnant and since we found out I put on some weight (10pnds) and the sex has waned to barely once a week out of pitty, eyes closed, passionless from 3+ times a week with passion and fun.

 

And every night when he thinks I am asleep he pops in the porn while looking at 1 of a hundred mags hidden around the house and jerks off(in the other room). I knew he liked porn before but he didnt watch it every freaking night. I know porn is a part of most mens lives..I am not against it.. but every moment I am not around or sleeping? I assumed he may had some porn issues but more of a bachealor boredom kind of thing. Not an obsessive cant wait for me to leave the house or go to sleep like it is now.

 

Now all bets are off. He always expressed how much he hates fat. and I think its bull on behalf of men saying they dont want to hurt the baby. For most of you anyway. The worst part about it is that he not an affectionate person. he doesnt say 'I love you' ever he isnt going to come up for no reason and just hug me.. So sex was my connection to him. Now I am just so utterly lonely and sad. I am afraid it will only get worse after the baby is born and I cant take this feeling. I wish I could take it all back. I was so stupid to give into my ticking clock. I wish I could go back and reverse it. I honestly think I would leave him if it wernt for the baby and the fact I cant afford to do this on my own(we arn't married).

I just cant compete.

 

Any thoughts? Is he just not into me and sticken it out because he feels he has to? I would rather him leave me now then get some chick on the side or something. I hate feeling like this.

[Aleadragonhawk]

He becomes violent and physically abusive when you confront him about his use of pornography. He calls phone sex lines and has run up a bill of $2000 before. I would say that yes, he is addicted to pornography, because his behaviors are not those of a normal user. Your average man will not spend more than his rent on phone sex. He won't get violent or hit his significant other over pornography.

 

Regardless of his addiction or your being pregnant, I urge you to get out of this situation. Absolutely no relationship with abuse is worth staying in. A relationship that features physical abuse is especially dangerous, not just to your emotional and mental sanity, but to your life. Someone who physically abuses you is not safe to have around children.