Jump to content

Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
 Share

Recommended Posts

I’ve never posted before but, I feel spending the last 2 days reading this thread it has given me clarity on what my situation has become.

 

I was in a relationship with a sweet, innocent 22 year old, I am 27. We hit it off had amazing chemistry and never spent a day apart. We made it official due to her initial nudges of wanting to be official and after 3 months we were an item. She helped me through a 5 year relationship which I was struggling with, but her company and care got me through it all and I never thought about my ex ever since. As the relationship progressed I fell into my old habits of letting my partner make the effort, I started to see her insecurities and nit picking fights 2 months in of being official. I fell deeply in love with her so quickly and so did she. From there we would constantly fight about insecurities of lack of affection on my part which lead to several cases of infidelity on both parts. I really fought for her through these tough times and knew that our relationship was heading a bad way. But I kept fighting as I knew we had something special and wanted to work with her to establish a future we dreamed about. I was always a good influence in her life, always discussing the future as I am heavily invested in property and my career, in which she was still at uni and working part time. In a sense looking I relied heavily on her for her support and downfall was I lost contact with my circle of friends as I was always available to my GF. As our trust deteriorated one major fight between us early December sealed our fate. All our secrets that we had kept and issues were out in the open. Our families were against us being together and had found out our darkest secrets we had forgiven each other for. Her insecurities had instigated the whole event as she asked to check my phone if I had been following my old ways, I was on the mend and she didn’t believe it. She found nothing and I had requested her phone to check, she refused. A while later after arguing and exchanging kind words she lets me see her phone and there it was my heart torn into pieces, her insecurities were in those texts with another man, fast forward a month I had done all the pleading begging of the parents to forgive me for all my faults, contacting friends to intervene, this all pushed her away in the arms of this very person she didn’t feel was the right fit for her. I had made every mistake known to man in pushing her away. She wanted to be friends but I had sent a letter looking to reconcile, even knowing she had moved on with this man she had developed feelings for at the end of our relationship.

 

Since then I have been told to move on and I had said some very rude things to her and her new relationship with a man who fake married for money.

 

I’m not sure why I’m posting my story, I feel it is full of love and hate. I’m feeling I would love to see my ex feel remorse of what she did to me but I have a feeling she won’t at all. I have given up on her completely but still think about her everyday though the thoughts are not always the good.

 

I guess I miss her friend ship and company as she was the biggest presence in my life over the past year. Am I afraid of losing her? I’m not sure but what I’ve learnt chasing her the last month is is someone doesn’t love you, you will see it in their actions and I learnt this the hard way.

 

Would love to hear any opinions on my situation for a outsider view but rest assured I know there is no hope for us now as she is definately consumes by the relationship she is in now.

 

Cheers all the best!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 2.4k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Been together with ex girlfriend for around 8 years, living together for 7. Never really argued, but i struggled to show her attention and love which turned out must of bothered her more than i realized.

 

She started talking to another girl from work who is a lesbian, and they became "best friends" they would text each other 24/7 and see each other all the time, in work and outside of work.

 

I realized something was not right and questioned it, and she basically said i was making her feel like she was not allowed a friend.

 

Well the lesbian broke up with her girlfriend, and a week prior to this she told her girlfriend she had feelings for my girlfriend. Week after they broke off, my girlfriend leaves me and two days later they are officially in a relationship on Facebook and telling each other that they love each other.

 

Well turns out in these two months that this lesbian was talking to my girlfriend she was telling her she fancied her and had feelings for her, and obviously giving her a lot of attention, my girlfriend eventually said feelings were mutual and that she wanted to do stuff with her.

 

They apparently are madly in love, she has never felt this way about anyone before etc, they are living together, well living with this girls parents at least.

 

She gave up a house, pets, possessions, car, everything we had, and left with nothing.

 

Its been around 2 months since she left, apparently still madly in love with each other, i have been LC, but i did cry and try and change her mind for the first week or so, she told me at first she wanted us both. She has apparently told people "she loves me but is not in love with me" and denied anything was going off and the reasons why she left me was basically because i was controlling her stopping her seeing her lesbian friend.

 

She has apparently always felt attracted to women, and is bisexual, but always felt ashamed so never told anyone.

 

Does this sound like a rebound to anyone? Can any one give me any advice?

 

Since she left i feel like she is acting like our 8 years together did not mean anything, she has shown me zero respect, posting photo's showing how loved up they are, telling people she has never been so happy. Saying she feels like she is meant to be with this other girl.

 

Last time i saw her, she collected a bag of her stuff, as she walked away she said "love you" this was before Christmas, not seen her since, and had very low contact.

 

When talking to her via text, basically all she said was that she was a horrible person for doing what she had done, and that i did not deserve it, did not say a bad thing about me and that she was sorry and just felt like she had to do it and that it was worth it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Silverbirch, I think you are spot on with her wanting to finally come out as bisexual. Its so "in your face" its unreal, she got a cup for Christmas that said "no one knows im gay" and put it online like it was a big joke. That hurt me, or when some one said they didn't believe she was gay, she replied "well you didn't know me very well" i was together with her 8 years and she has always denied it! so its such an insult for her to say/do stuff like this.

 

Also about it lasting, i am 50/50. I do and dont think it will last. When she left me she said she never wanted any one else ever, and always thought we would be together for ever until she met this Girl. But on the other hand now she is saying she has never been so happy.... The girl she left me for is 7 years younger, and has nothing. My girlfriend was clutching at straws as to why she broke up with me, saying stuff like i didnt want children.... Yet she left me for a women... that is younger and probably wont want kids for another 3-4 years her self!

 

Also about it being sexual, She loved the stuff we did, and its stuff she could never get from a girl-girl relationship, she has said in the past "lesbians dont know what they are missing out on" Surely she is going to eventually miss what a man can give her, its what she is used to!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 10 months later...

Mid Novemeber split up with my girl of over 4 years and about 6 months after the birth our baby. A few months before the split things were not going great and about 6 weeks ago she started going out to the pub where she met some new friends, one of whom just happened to be a really friendly guy who would walk her home just to make sure she was "safe". Questioned her several times about him over the next few weeks as I was sure there was more to it but she always denied it... "him no.... he's not my type.... no way he's just a good friend etc... Yeh BS! can see right though this.

 

Anyway we split I moved out and hey ho, low and behold she tells me a week later that she's in a relationship with him and within an hour of that she posting happy pics on facebook announcing their new relationship! All for my benefit I'm sure and before i've even had a chance to tell my friends and family about the split.

 

Anyway I would love to go NC but its impossible because of the baby. She rings me or texts me quite often usually about the baby although after my birthday weekend the other day she wanted to know what I'd been up to all weekend, I was a bit short and sharp with her making it clear I didn't really want to talk. In fact I am always quite curt and negative when she calls or texts about anything.

 

Am I going about this the right way I mean LC is all I can really manage for, well, ever but I really hate talking to her and having to be friendly especially when we meet face to face. The new guy is a bit of a loser and that's not just me being jealous he really is and I'm sure hes just a rebound guy. I'm also sure I don't want her back even though I do still love her but I feel like a sappy doormat still having to go round once a week with all the baby stuff I now have to pay everything for and having the baby once a weekend so she can go out on the razz with rebound guy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is a fantastic post, very insightful. I currently play the role of the dumpee and this post has given me the motivation to stop being the "comfy slippers". Its 5 weeks since this rebound stepped into the picture so I hope its not too late.

 

Its a weird one with me, my wife is still very attracted to me and is seeing the changes already, she is very flirty and we have sex even now, we keep regular contact due to the kids and the fact I have my gym stuff in the garage at our home. Its difficult to not be around the house a lot. I will work at changing this.

 

I feel I should stop all of this ASAP, at the risk of allowing this guy to get closer. The advantage I have is, they dont live near by so cant see each other often, also even though she does like this guy she says where she is in life she doesnt need a relationship (I could be digesting this more cause its what I want to hear).

 

After 17 years of being together there is still huge attachment between the both of us, but she knows its more me than her. Shes at that "I love you, not in love with you" stage. I think she needs to see that I am not in need of her to function on a daily basis.

 

Thank you for this advice! But let me know your thoughts.

 

 

I think love4life has a very good point here and I've seen it happen. I would also say I've seen more women do this to dumpees.

 

OK my theory? Bear in mind this is my experience of women from the point of view of a man and I've seen far more women than men do this and far more women than men do the rebound route in my humble opinion. The other way around may be different. I've dropped in here from time to time so I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents worth(oh oh)

 

If the dumpee sticks around trying to be "friends" with the dumper, the rebound person has a much easier time of it. The rebound person doesn't have to be that emotionally supportive, because someone else is taking up the slack. A someone else who knows the dumper far better. This goes back and forth until the rebound learns enough to take over from the dumpee and that's when the dumpee is pushed out(or they find someone completely new).

 

Basically, if the ex is a long termer and the couple have gone past the honeymoon stage and are in the attachment stage, they are still in that attachment stage even with the split, especially if they were very close and the split wasn't an aggressive one. The dumpers are in the honeymoon stage with the rebound. The dumper gets the best of both worlds. Great deal for the rebound as well, as they get all the fun of a couple without the hassle. The dumpee get's to be a shoulder to cry on, sleepless nights and no sex. Not a good deal.

 

When people say they're torn between two lovers this is generally what they mean. They can be in love with both, but at different stages in the relationship. They're making one lover out of two essentially. They get the excitement of the new with the comfort of the old. This is why the "lets be friends" stuff happens. It's also one of the reasons why affairs in otherwise strong relationships can happen. You can be in love with two. the ideal is to stay with one through the attachment, but all too often people want the easy or more exiting option. Work is old fashioned.

 

You'll hear this quite plainly if you listen to the dumper. They say things like "you're my best friend/brother/sister etc" or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". That's attachment. The basic reason they're not in love with you and are with the rebound? The fact is they are more sexually attracted to the rebound. They have more desire and excitement for the rebound. Simple as that. Now I know some will be saying that the split was because of their commitment issues/mother/friends/job/party phase/stress/distance etc etc etc. Yes they are some of the causes, but if the ex was still very sexually attracted to you and desired you on a basic level, they would stick around.

 

Find out the reason why you think that happened. Find out the causes and if they're in your power to fix them, then fix them as you're next relationship will probably founder for the same reasons. Most importantly do this for you.

 

Don't buy this? OK look around objectively at relationships you know that have had bigger stresses on them than yours. The ones where they're always fighting, breaking up, cheating, yet still stay together. Look at the women and men you know in what you see to be bad relationships that seem to have no future and are always up and down. The men you know with dense, needy, weird, bítches and the women you know with broke bad boy hairy bikers. Why? Beyond the obvious like bullying or possessive scenarios, they still have that sexual chemistry and attraction going on. Look at the early honeymoon part of your own relationships. You will take far more crap and outside stresses at that stage than later. You don't even notice the problems then. Usually the exact same problems that will usually split you up as a couple down the line.

 

I digressed... Back to the rebound/dumpee situation.

 

The dumpee is like a pair of comfortable slippers, the rebound is like a pair of expensive pumps. As I say, over time with the dumpees help, the rebound becomes like a pair of expensive pumps with more comfortable heels. OK very stretched out anology but you get my drift...

 

The rebound will generally fail in the long term because the dumper hasn't had enough time to get over the previous relationship. The faster the rebound happens and the faster the "I love you"'s are exchanged in the rebound, the faster the rebound fails. This is an advantage to the dumpee if they use it. They use it by letting the rebound do all the work. After all they are getting "paid" for it.

 

If you're a dumpee in this case and if you want your ex back. Which let's be honest this is what most here want. Do NC or very LC. I would go against some of the advice here and say if you are on good terms with the dumper, don't do cold NC. Don't just drop off the face of the earth. Yes the dumper may panic at the sudden loss, but the rebound is there to comfort them and take over. The longer the dumpee has been taking up the slack of the rebound, the more likely NC will have little effect. At least little effect in the way most here are truly looking for. It'll look like you're punishing them. It can also look petulant and childish. In this case the only way they'll come back is if the rebound dumps them or hurts them.

 

When you go NC, tell them and tell them in a nice way. Tell them that you both need to move on(that's the big point to make), wish them your love and all the best in their new relationship and actually move on. If they ask, "is this forever" or "do you think we can be friends in the future", point out you don't think that's such a good idea but you never know what the future may bring. Leave it at that. If they call and they will, sooner or later, keep the conversation short and sweet. Do not bring up the old relationship and if they bring up the new one, wish them luck. Mean it. If you don't want the best for her/him, you din't love them in the first place. You're just in selfish panic mode.

 

Do all the usual. Get fit, make yourself better, date others, get out, etc and actually move on.

 

If they do come back into your life down the line(and they will if you do this and there was a good connection in the past), then the new more attractive, more self sufficient you that doesn't need anyone, but may want to share your life with someone, will really get their minds and more importantly their hearts thinking. It'll also get their sexual side thinking too and that's what really split you up in the first place. The lack of neediness, added strength is a BIG plus point if you're a man. If a woman felt they left you as a boy and then she finds you as a man six months later, then you are in with more than a chance with her(and every other woman). This will also increase your mystery to her as it should come as a bit of a surprise to her. All good. Especially for you as a person. Men are more visual creatures in general, so if they see the ex and she's lost weight and looks sexier and more confident, he will think twice. Women are both visual and emotional, so even if you show up like Brad Pitt and are still the needy, weak, non committal boy they left, the most you can hope for is "ex sex".

 

Yes it's true that you can't make anyone fall in love with you, but you can increase the chances that they will. These chances are far higher in one way with an ex as they've already fallen in love with you before. Time apart and you acting like an adult, not being needy, getting physically fitter and more attractive will attract them or any other person far quicker.

 

It often boils down to this. Humans are attracted to what they can't have. They are really attracted to what they thought they had but now don't. That's one of the big reasons dumpees go into a panic when the split first happens. That's why dumpees forget about the dumpers bad points and concentrate on the good. If you want them back reverse that. Basic human nature.

 

I've seen this work time and time again(with men who have been dumped). Before anyone says this is playing games. It isn't. In any case we all play games and hide our true intent when we want to get someone new. We all have tactics for that. Put it this way, on your first date do you belch, scratch yourself, show up in old smelly clothes, with your hair in a mess or with no makeup? No you don't. You "play the game" of attraction. Same deal here, with the advantage that during this NC if you do it right, you're making yourself a better person for whomever you end up with.

 

Use this split to your advantage. The ball is in your court. Use the pain to make you the best you that you can be. If you don't you'll be going through this again and again and you'll have no one but yourself to blame.

 

It was a bit rambling, but I hope I got the bones of my weirdo theory accross.

Awaits the flames.......

 

PS In your time apart look at the ex. I mean really look at them. Did they make your life better or did you just think they did? Also look at your exes new relationship. Is the new person bad for them or are they better for them than you were? Only you know the answers to these questions and you don't need a psychologist/counselor/shrink to tell you either as if you're honest with yourself you know the truth.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

This thread deserves to be on the top of the menu. Especially Zorba's post are very insightful. You must work on you, to increase the chances of reconciliation. No matter what happens in the end, you are way better then when started. Go and read his posts (Zorba), they are on first pages.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...