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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


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How To Reignite Lost Feelings In A ...
How To Reignite Lost Feelings In A Relationship

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Hey guys! So I read the first few posts about people and their different takes on the reverse psychology thing with exes, rebounds and the dumpees and staying in the picture. I'd like to share a few of my experiences and from the guys points of view and my point of view (the girl) and the in different scenarios what happened when I was a dumper/vs when I was a dumpee. PLEASE SCROLL DOWN TO SKIP MY LENGTHY INTRODUCTION.

 

First of all, I know each and everyone of us is going through some difficult situation with our love life hence we have wound up on this forum, Id like to say I'm glad we are trying to take it slow and talk to each other about what's going on and supporting each other because it's probably a lot more healthier than behaving recklessly or acting impulsively.

 

All is fair in love and war unfortunately, there are often risks and sadly someone can get hurt. Since registering to this forum, rather than solely focusing on how to get back with my ex and joining the NC challenge, I am also really looking at the bigger picture and ready to let go and accept that he might not be the one for me. A lot of advice everywhere on the internet points towards working on ourselves, improving etc to move on and this being the most attractive. It's not ideal, I know its good and gives us space to amend previous relationship issues if we see our old partner again but in a perfect world, the two lovers would reunite and confess how much they missed each other and run into each others arms, living happily forever after.

 

Life is not all that easy, but no one wants to go through the same over and over again. So here's to improving ourselves for the long run. And to our new (or old) future potential partners who would feel lucky to be with a wiser, stronger, versions of ourselves who respect ourselves. Another thing people should think about is if they really want to be in that relationship again? For example today I feel tonnes lighter without the burden of knowing I have something precious that can be broken or lost. (haha.. because I already lost it? ) But jokes aside, all is clearer in hindsight. Time alone has made me reflect upon some mistakes I made during my relationship, I am reflecting and trying to become a better person. Also, if it really is true love then why would they leave you in the first place? In my mind, I already am defending him for this - that oh, "he was too busy" "he had a lot going on" "our potential future seemed difficult" "it was my fault" blah blah blah.. but just know guys, a relationship takes both sides to work to save it through the bad times. That's why marriage is a bigger deal, people don't just take divorce as lightly as breaking up a relationship.

 

TO THE MAIN EXAMPLES I WAS TALKING ABOUT:

 

1. First situation: Ex-bf (history of being a flirt, most likely cheated on me a few times during our 3 year LDR). I moved countries for work reasons, he insisted on staying together only to realise he wasn't able to hack it later. In this time he has had a few physical rebound interactions such as kissing girls on "drunken nights out". We break up because its not working, he is onto his proper rebound relationship (a more local girl from his friends circle) which actually lasted for 3 years after me! In this time, we end on ugly terms, NC for a few months until he reaches out (hes still in a relationship) I am ALSO in a rebound relationship which I ended because it was literally a rebound and I still loved my ex then.

 

Staying in contact helped him kind of walk into his new relationship as he still had his comfort in me in the beginning (/attachment phase). We were in contact but he would often come back in contact with me and we would Skype and talk flirty a lot - in this time he never disclosed to me he had a new girlfriend, I found out through her as she messaged me from her fb, outraged at him for messaging me to say he misses me (after almost 2 years of being broken up and STILL with her) - odd.. anyway they are broken up now. Me and him are just friends now and we talk on text normally and in a friendly well wishing way but quite infrequently. Very healthy closure. I got over him after meeting a guy 10000x better.

 

Lesson learned: Whilst he was in or not in the picture, it didn't have any effect on MY rebound. because I still didn't care about the rebound and I knew it wasn't matching up to a fraction of what I had in my previous relationship. For him, his new relationship was successful with or without me in the picture. but initially he was still with me when he was chasing her so it was a smooth transition/replacement for him, I think it was easier for him to move on knowing he still kind of 'had' me. As soon as I was out of the picture for months he missed me.

 

2. Second situation: Guy I liked and wanted to be with *new guy* really liked another girl for like 2 years he was chasing her. I was a 'bro' to him because he had a misconception about me that I may have been involved with some of his guy mates so out of respect, that was another reason he said friendzoned me. All this time, me and him were best friends, we would hang out almost 24/7 and he was even flirting with (without realising because he was totally inexperienced with girls). Anyways, he told her he liked her and she didn't reciprocate. I kind of swooped in because I wanted him, even if I was a rebound. which I was, but he said he didn't like her anymore and realised I was always there for him as a CONSTANT (best friend) so then we had a successful relationship for almost 2 years, ending it mutually (well, I ended it and he kind of accepted it) due to some differences and circumstances and currently are holding a healthy friendship.

 

3. Third situation: Whilst guy from second situation insisted on staying friends as a healthy closure to our romantic relationship ie. having the same bond without the physical, I met another guy whilst I was single. He was my rebound I guess but I wanted to see him as a fresh new relationship, however being close friends with my ex took away from my new relationship. All the things I wanted to talk about with my new guy I just ended up talking to my ex about. So it's a very odd concept but I think if my ex wasn't in the picture, I wouldn't have been able to go into the new relationship without his approval and support because we were close and I was open and honest about it to him to make sure he was okay with it.

 

So I went from LDR --> to local guy --> LDR again. All of these situations were different so it's difficult to compare. But I do notice a trend that the dumper has to be alone and think for themselves and be completely single to enter the new rebound relationship for it to be the new relationship. As a dumpee I would advise against giving them the satisfaction of both old and new. Im worried at the same time because I don't know if my latest ex also thinks like this, because he was LDR and wouldn't see me anyway. I don't know if hes hooked up with anyone since although im sure he must have.

 

4. Fourth guy - my rebound guy - I was just talking to him for a month, we met and then I decided it didn't feel right and wanted to end it as hard as it was but INSISTS on being around whenever I want. In my eyes, this greatly reduces his value because although its sweet, Im surprised he doesn't have some more pride and should be arrogant to the fact I lead him on unknowingly, hurt him only to confess later im confused about my ex. I haven't entertained anyone like that before if they tell me someone else is in the picture I usually wasn't interested (apart from with guy nr 2 but that was different because it was friends -> lovers not people who have dated ->relationship). But if he did no contact on me (which he does even for a day or few days), I find myself reaching out to see if hes okay.

 

When I know I have no interest in his heart, I could never manipulate him emotionally or hold his heart hostage for my own entertainment. I am very clear about being friends and my intentions if I know what I want, and its not him. even If it hurts him, its the honest truth.

 

But some people can be selfish. for example, my own most recent ex is not clear about what he wants or what is going on so would probably be more likely to emotionally manipulate me. After a lot of thinking, and wondering if its the right thing. I do believe NC/ very LC is the way forward. Because if I someone I ended something with is constantly in my face making me feel bad about my decision or trying to get it REALLY pushes me away. I imagine the only situation I would go back to someone like that is if we met again and I realised or felt I made a mistake and wanted to try again and mean it.

 

I hope these scenarios were helpful. I wish us all the best with our pursuits. Keep me posted.

 

Lots of love to all you fighters and romantics out there!

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Ok so it has been a while since I last posted here.

 

My ex and I were together for 6 years. There were no major problems besides the usual stuff but obviously relationships could get a little bit stale after 6 years. We talked about marriage/kids even 1 week before she dumped me. 2 Weeks before she dumped me we had our 6th anniversary and she even used my phone for a joke and messaged my brother "I'm going to propose to her tonight". There was no indication that I would get dumped 2 weeks after that.

 

My ex was always at my place (we did not live together due to cultural differences, marry first...) then one day she says she would go out with some of her friends the day after. I thought it would be OK to have a day off from each other. We just had sex that evening and she told me she would miss me the day after.

The evening she went out with friends I just felt something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. The 2 days that followed she was in a sad/weird mood and she dumped me on the 3th day.

Obviously, I was broken and emotional and tried to reason with her, which didn't work ofcourse. In the days that followed after the breakup my ex changed her facebook status and deleted most of our pictures. On the 3th day after she dumped me she came to get all her stuff that was still in my appartment. Ofcourse I tried to reason/beg but it didn't help, even though I knew she was hessitating, she sticked with her decision. I knew something was wrong, I asked her a couple of times if there was someone else and she told me "I would not do that to you, we have been in a relationship for 6 years". She also told me she did not just want a break because she didn't want to be responsible if something happened.

 

I did not believe everything she said she I had to go check her facebook and there I found out she didn't go out with friends but with this colleague of hers. I was sad, jealous, humiliated and angry. How could the girl I loved so much do this to me ? I became angry at her and I might've pushed her towards the other guy.

 

In the weeks that followed I tried to contact her several times. 2 weeks after I got dumped I felt really bad at one night. My ex would come over the next day and hang out with me asking questions like "Would you still want me if I had been with another guy?" I asked her "Have you had sex with him already"? She said she did not but after a while she admitted she had sex with him the day before and went steady with him (2 weeks after she dumped me). I didn't know how to react but I tried to stay cool. My ex even told me we could still have a sexual relationship because the new guy wasn't good in bed and apparently was "smaller". After 3 weeks I must admit I had sex with my ex one last time, I thought it might bring us back together.... My ex frequently told me that she wasn't sure about the new guy, she wasn't in love with the new guy and also was on Tinder.

 

The weeks after that we hung out quite a few times. Each time I thought I could win her over somehow. Each time it hurt more and more, she even told me she would go on a holiday (2 months after BU) 2 Months after the breakup I decided it was enough and I did not want to become just a friend so I told her. She became furious and messaged me, called me, e-mailed me and even visited my appartment to stay friends with me. After that she quit contact and apparently went on the holiday with the new guy.

 

So, right now it has been 3+ months. I guess the holiday must've connected them somehow because I haven't heard much of my ex anymore except a few breadcrumbs like "How are you?" and "Congratulations with your team". My birthday is coming up so I'm expecting to receive another one of these messages but there isn't much hope anymore.

 

Even though all she put me through I still lover her and can't hate her...

 

I don't know if it's considered a rebound. Obviously, she knew the guy before the breakup but she didn't know him that well yet. The guy is pretty much like me but has a better job than I do.

 

Whatever happens in the future, the only thing I can do now is just focus on me and improve myself, there is nothing I can do at this point anyways.

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  • 3 months later...

Hey!

Me and ex was together for 2.5 years when she decided to tell me the gigs breakup lines Took it nicely - just said this is coming to me out of nowhere and started NC immediately after she left! I've come across the NC stuff the days after that and I guess did it naturally.

On day 5 she wrote me to meet to give me her key (we lived together). I ignored this - changed the lock.

Around day 10 of NC - my birthday - she wrote a non-love but creative emotional wishing. I ignored that.

Six hours later - dialed me and immediately close the phone. She intended if I hear my phone - to dial her back and ask "Why u dial and close?' on which she should have responded "My phone made a mistake, etc" or If i don't hear the phone - will call her later. Know her that well

Either way - she was going to blame me why I'm so childish and bad to ignore her birthday text, etc.

She really doesn't like it when we play who would call who game when we have fights (I hate it - but she is so stubborn and consciously tries everything to never make contact first).

Soooooo, day 52 NC and she didn't text me anymore from day 10. I rly don't know was it right to NC her so strict, wasn't it counter-productive? And what should I do now (I chose 30 day of NC, but prolonged it to 6-8 weeks)?

Forgot to mention - on day 5 when she was moving out - she left a lot of stuff - like two bags full of expensive study books, documents and 3 bags of old clothes. Idk why she did this - was it by mistake (they weren't easy to see) or was it on purpose to have not socially bonding way to contact me if she changed her mind.

So the problem is - should i wait her to contact me or when I hit 60 days to write her to come and get it? Or prolong it to 90 days NC?

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Forgot to mention - on day 5 when she was moving out - she left a lot of stuff - like two bags full of expensive study books, documents and 3 bags of old clothes. Idk why she did this - was it by mistake (they weren't easy to see) or was it on purpose to have not socially bonding way to contact me if she changed her mind.

So the problem is - should i wait her to contact me or when I hit 60 days to write her to come and get it? Or prolong it to 90 days NC?

 

I would contact a mutual friend and get them to drop it off to her, no need to contact her she has shown her true colours.

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I was like you when my ex dumped me and searched all kinds of "ex back techniques" etc. there are no tactics so your gf magically comes running back after 30 days. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't.

 

Did your ex tell you she has another guy? If she didn't, I'm sorry to say but that's most likely the case in this scenario.

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There is no one definitive answer as every individual and relationship is different, and there are also likely underlying personality or emotional issues. It is why, even with these forums, it makes sense to talk through things with someone.

 

Obviously I provide personal development and relationship training and consulting, but use who you connect with. I strive to help my clients find results where they can move forward not relying on me.

 

Enough sales pitch, there is no black and white answer unfortunately. Best advice with every potential relationship, be yourself and be honest. And don't fool yourself. If you have to make excuse for your significant other it's likely no the best one to be in.

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Thanks for the good advices!

I'm thinking to send the stuff to her address at her parents (the only one I have. Isn't it aggressive?). Thinking to do it after Valentines day ... Idk why?

As far as I know her, she's probably with another person.

At first I thought to proulonge the NC to 60 day, then 90 and call her to home to act to cool. But sending her stuff is probably a good idea. Should I go NC for life and delete/ block her on facebook (I unfriended her) and delete her number (wanted to ignore it if she calls and not accidentally having to talk to her).

TY guys, really think that main problem of men is we don't share our thoughts!

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Thanks for the good advices!

I'm thinking to send the stuff to her address at her parents (the only one I have. Isn't it aggressive?). Thinking to do it after Valentines day ... Idk why?

As far as I know her, she's probably with another person.

At first I thought to proulonge the NC to 60 day, then 90 and call her to home to act to cool. But sending her stuff is probably a good idea. Should I go NC for life and delete/ block her on facebook (I unfriended her) and delete her number (wanted to ignore it if she calls and not accidentally having to talk to her).

TY guys, really think that main problem of men is we don't share our thoughts!

 

You should do whatever you feel like and whatever would be in your best interest.

If not blocking her on facebook is hurting you, you should block her on facebook. If you can handle it, don't worry about it.

It's all about being comfortable with yourself in the new situation and making life as easy as possible.

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Hey guys, wondering if anyone wants to dissect my situation.

 

My fiancé of 2 years just ended things after 2 weeks of drama.

Little history: He is 29, I am 24. I feel we have a solid base. we were friends for 6 years prior but someone was always in a relationship. I am his first gf who has not been basically a rebound (5 months between the prior ex vs his usual 2-4 weeks). First gf since high school that isn't an addict/alcoholic. We lived together the entire 2 years and got engaged after 1.

 

From my best guess, he basically panicked and called off our Oct wedding, in Aug. I was hurt and didn't handle it well; he continued to try to be a good SO but I harbored hurt unfortunately. A few months later we began fighting about me wanting to move and him not; I accused him of not loving me; he got it in his head that maybe he didn't. He admitted that the more he thought about it and that maybe we aren't compatible (bc I know what I am doing for a future whereas he is treading water as a waiter), the more convinced he became. It seems he began pushing me away as self defense, as he knew I was getting tired of his other issues (failing school, financial, not knowing what he wants to do with his life, etc but not personality stuff) and was getting close to ending it myself.

 

He's always been afraid I'll find someone better and is insecure about one of my male friends. Not a month before all this, he complained he hates when I leave after a fight bc he's afraid I'll cheat for revenge.

 

This 2 week drama has involved him having meltdowns with the phrases "I want you around all the time but sometimes I have to get away for a minute", "I can't get married right now", "ILYBNILWY", "I have to be selfish for once/idk if I want to consider another person", saying that we don't feel in love anymore except for a select few days, accusing me as the reason he has no hobbies/doesn't go out without me (and we rarely go out, by his choice), attempting to take a NC break that lasted 4 days (my fault), and finally what I thought was a break but he thought had been the break UP. Throughout this he has been staying out until 3 am with coworkers, drinking at home when not out, and talking to an 18 year old, who thought she was lesbian until conveniently after they met last month, and who I encountered pants less in our apartment not 3 days after what he thought was a breakup.

I have not handled it well, turning into a pathetic child, though at the end I was calm and we talked like rational adults. He spent an equal amount of time crying and having anxiety attacks, which he attributes to being from hurting me (my guy friends call bs).

 

Yes, lots of damage.

 

So as much as there is lots of damage, I feel there is hope but he has a LOT of work to do on his end.

He has a lot of self sabotaging and panic attacks and fear of failure which results in just not trying (he essentially admitted he was applying this to our relationship).

 

So, what now?

 

We agreed to be friends but not right away (my suggestion, but he was adamant about that we've always been friends and of course we will). In the meantime I have moved out. Sent him a text asking to leave me owed money next week, other housekeeping stuff, etc and to not text me back. I will be getting my other stuff in one fell swoop.

 

Is it petty and bad to take literally everything I purchased (almost everything we owned)?

We have a joint custody dog who everyone feels is better off in my custody, but I don't want to create a fight over it. I was thinking I would come by to see him when he is not home.

Part of me wants to make his life difficult by taking all that stuff but part of me says not to burn the bridge.

 

Yes I know, work on myself, I fully intend to go get some new hobbies and rekindle friendships.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I know this is an old thread and I already made my own post on this but I was wondering if anyone could give me insight on my situation.

 

Let me just write everything down in one message of whats happened so far since it seems like everything is all over the place. My ex and I broke up a month ago, a little bit before New Years. She was really hurt but didnt want to show it. We still met up and I gave her a ring and talked to her and we shared a kiss but she was afraid to get back together with me cause our relationship turned from amazing to cause we got to comfortable and she also believes I am controlling (of course at the time I didnt understand that until now and I'm not controlling by any means). A week goes by and she comes over and has a break down. Telling me shes not worth it and in the end shes just gonna hurt me. I obviously said that its ok and you dont know until you try. We came up with the decision to not talk for a week. A week goes by and I message her and she tells me to off and open my eyes cause she moved on and doesnt want to have anything to do with me. I was shocked but a little bit later she comes back and is all over me. For a week it went on like that. One week she went out with my "friend" and she had a good time and I didnt mind cause I thought he was a good "friend" of mine. On the weekend we we're talking on the phone and she suddenly mentions if you can love someone and have a crush on someone else at the same time. That was an obvious indication of where things were going if I realized it then. On the Monday she comes over and we have a really passionate time together and she tells me that she loves me. That made me feel great but the she tells me she has a crush on my "friend" and after that she left and said that she doesnt want to hurt me anymore and that we cant keep doing this so she will bundle up all her feelings and throw them away or some . Starting from that day onward she became extremely cold. The next day I saw her and she told me that she doesnt feel butterflies when we kiss anymore and that she is going to see my "friend" for coffee. The next day she sends me a heartbreaking text where she basically says that she doesnt love me and doesnt want me around in her life anymore. I was so confused and everything just happened so fast. I tried to talk to her but she would say nothing and gave me cold and short one line replies. Two days later I see her and my "friend" together and I call him out. He told me that he wouldnt do anything to get in the way of our friendship and all this bullcrap but in the end he did ruin it and is now with her. Ever since then I havent spoken to them and the last time I saw her she avoided eye contact and ran away. For the past few days she has been using social media to express how happy she is and she would start subtweeting me to get my attention or whatever it is that shes doing. Im honestly just so confused as to what happened. We never broke up for the sake of her getting with him and I really dont know where he came from. She says she doesnt love me but I dont believe that, she still is thinking about me and is showing me she is by posting negative comments about me without directly applying it to me. So yeah thats basically everything thats happened until now. I still love her no doubt and this time to myself has confirmed that. I am in no position to do anything also. I really do want her back since I believe that if she gave us a chance we could definitely make it work out and last a long long time. We've dated for 2 years so I find it really hard to believe everything shes told me till then, I know people change but you cant just change like that in 24 hours. Im confused and I miss her but I just dont know what to do. Will I ever get her back? Can I even be here friend or is she completely out of my life? We have such an incredibly strong connection and now she is with someone completely opposite of me and I dont want to say this just to make myself feel better but in terms of a boyfriend hes a downgrade.

 

To sum it all up I really love this girl and I truly thought about it and its not cause shes gone, I love her and I really want her back but Im accepting the fact that the chances may not be there. Advice would be appreciated. Ive currently been doing NC and shes been subtweeting me and retweeting about me ever since and is bragging about how good her new man is.

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  • 2 weeks later...

While I'm still trying to finish reading this entire thread, I want to post my story up here.

Abut a month ago, I broke up with my ex because I wasn't invited to his brother's wedding, which he said was his idea not to invite me as he wasn't ready for me to meet his family (even though he lives with his brother, whom I have met and sees all the time). I told him that whenever you said that you're not ready, it only sounded like I am not good enough for you. So I was so mad and took all my stuff, clearing out the wardrobe and toiletries, and told him that from now on we're only colleagues. A week later, I asked to speak again as I kept thinking about how the conversation went (which was more like I did all the talking and sobbing). He then told me that he don't see a future with me and he thinks that we want different things (I'm a manager in the company and he's a junior exec) like I want marriage now and he's not thinking of that now. He also said that, the last few months felt like we're married but without the title. I asked him, was it that the relationship has gone stale? He replied that maybe because we work together. We parted ways after talking, and I went off drinking and crying to my friends.

The next day, I decided to work at different part of the office building and arranged to see a therapist. After talking with the therapist, she told me stuff that changed my views of the whole thing, and she said that he certainly showed signs that he's still interested (making small talk with him when we bumped into each other). Through next 2 weeks, I was still so upset and consulted the therapist again. She then told me to talk with him and apologize for the things that I had said. I did just that and we started to talk again at work. For the last 2 weeks, I've been talking to him only during lunch hour. I did not text him after work, knowing that I won't be able to handle it if he didn't reply to my messages. I wonder if this is considered as limited contact.

The therapist encouraged me not to give up just yet, even if he's probably dating. Her point was that the new girl will not be able to build the rapport we had while we were together that quickly. Just today I saw that he added a friend on his Facebook (don't judge me for stalking), and this girl is from a dating app. I'm really freaking out, picturing all sorts of scenarios.

At the end of the day, I know that I want him back, as the whole relationship was happy, playful and affectionate altogether. Maybe I will want to get married one day, but it's certainly not now. I keep blaming myself that I rushed into things and breaking up with him prematurely.

In my case, because we work together, I get to see him on weekdays, and now we have conversations during lunch hour, I don't know if this is limited contact, and is the way for reconciliation? Any insights is helpful! Thanks.

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Hi I will make this short even though it really isn't. Gay relationship me and my girlfriend for 2 years very much in love nothing could tear us apart. Together almost all the time. Happy. She had bad eczema and the water wasn't making it any better in the area we lived in so she moved back home. I couldn't afford to flat on my own so I had to move back home also. 3 hours away. This was the beginning of the end. We said we would do long distance cause it's better than losing eachother... We managed it for a few months and she started to crumble. She was sure I wasn't going to come back and she lost faith. She started getting distant.cold..no time for me. Hanging about with random people. Wasn't excited for me coming down. And I will admit I got panicked... Making me seem needy... Clingy... Insecure... Paranoid... But my only intentions was to save us and make her realise she was breaking us by being thr way she was. Anyway. After a year... She broke it off. I died inside. I went no contact straight away. After a month there was pictures of her an a girl... Not clear if girlfriend or not but I was no contact so I assumed it was. I was getting better. Then she contacted me after 2 months. She asked how I was... She missed me... She called me and as soon as she heard my voice she cried. I said I missed her too and will always love her. I was definstly getting out the point if she regrets things I'm open to them being fixed and she said we need a good talk. 2 days since she hasn't messaged me. So I said okay I get you're decision and I hope you're happy in the future. She replied saying I didn't contact you cause I don't know what I want. I just know I love you and always will. ......... What do you guys make of this? She also text me a month into my no contact but I didn't receive it. She showed me the screenshot. And it was basically saying not a day goes by she don't think of me and she's sat in her car crying cause she was somewhere I had been previously. An interview to be exact. But I didn't get it so I hadn't replied and then she text me a month later about the previous conversation. Any advice?

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She replied saying I didn't contact you cause I don't know what I want.

 

My advice would be to tell her to figure out what she wants first. If she decides that it IS you then commit in her mind to starting a NEW relationship and THEN contact you. Unless this is the case, ask her not to contact you ever again as this is hurting you. Then go strict no contact, do NOT reply to any further sweet nothings, grieve of the loss of the previous relationship you had and try to move on as if she is never coming back. As for the missed messages, that was bread-crumbs. Had you read it and replied you would probably have gotten the same behavior you are getting now. Sweet words mean nothing substantial while you are broken up. This is a person who cannot handle long distance relationships. Plus, long distance might have been only the tip of the iceberg. As long as the long distance remains then what broke you up still stands and moving on would be your best option. Looking at post-break up pictures of her is a recipe for getting back to square one so you may want to avoid learning anything new about her in the future. Good luck with your healing.

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The trick is to learn the lesson alright. Hopefully I have, but knowing me my heart will lead my head if I fall in love again. I'll be letter perfect if I just like her. DOH!

 

Hi All,

8 years and a few months later! Here I come with my story! ... many of you are probably happily involved and I guess I am just starting all over... Lol... now to make the story short... Here is a brief summery of my story:

My bf of 3 years broke up with me over a text: “This relationship is not going anywhere.” and a bunch of non sense other excuses. He since then has got a new sport car, plastic surgery and hormone therapy… The things he said and did while we were together were making me wonder what is wrong with him and who is he and do I even know this person anymore? Like telling how he thinks he is getting old and he doesn’t look as good as before. Or how he didn’t want to be exclusive anymore. The videos and clips he watched. When I walked away because I didn’t accept his offer not to be exclusive, he called and cried after a week and said he doesn’t want to damage us, the relationship, everything we had. He told me many times his devotion and loyalty to me is eternal. We got along so well. Nothing seemed to be a major issue in our relationship. Considering my kids (not his) and I were his only practical association/social circle also. My heart has sunk and it has been since that day. I was absolutely in the dark not knowing anything about his plan to break up with me for some lame and silly excuses. He was my best friend and lover and everything. We grew so much together in 3 years. He was always planning our olds days together and with OUR(my) grandchildren! What happened?

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Hi, everyone...if some of you could give me advice, I would be very thankfull.

My GF and it broke a month ago because she had feelings for a friend of mine. At first, she wanted to keep him only as a friend, but I was jealous and that led US to break. Now they are dating (one day after we broke).

About 10 days ago, I asked her to leave our house and said some mean stuff (she wanted to keep me as a best friend). We re on NC since then, because I asked so. Just after I asked her to leave, she texted me saying she would always love me. I replied saying that if our love was real, we would find our way back to each other, but that I needed space right now.

I really want her back, but I ve decided to let her new relationship unfold by itself. I want to reach out and apologize for saying bad things to her, but I m not sure this is the best thing to do when I want her back.

What do you guys think? What's the best move to restore our relationship?

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I really want her back, but I ve decided to let her new relationship unfold by itself. I want to reach out and apologize for saying bad things to her, but I m not sure this is the best thing to do when I want her back.

What do you guys think? What's the best move to restore our relationship?

 

 

You made the right decision. The best move is to accept that you have NO way that you can control the outcome and keep trying to move on as if she is never coming back. That way you will be better off regardless of the outcome. You have already explained yourself to her i.e. "saying that if our love was real, we would find our way back to each other, but that I needed space right now." Nothing further is required after that or you would be basically going back on your own words regarding needing space, hence losing your credibility. An apology is not needed and is NOT going to change the outcome. It will probably do more harm than good. All you have to do now is stick to your words.

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Hi, everyone...if some of you could give me advice, I would be very thankfull.

My GF and it broke a month ago because she had feelings for a friend of mine. At first, she wanted to keep him only as a friend, but I was jealous and that led US to break. Now they are dating (one day after we broke).

About 10 days ago, I asked her to leave our house and said some mean stuff (she wanted to keep me as a best friend). We re on NC since then, because I asked so. Just after I asked her to leave, she texted me saying she would always love me. I replied saying that if our love was real, we would find our way back to each other, but that I needed space right now.

I really want her back, but I ve decided to let her new relationship unfold by itself. I want to reach out and apologize for saying bad things to her, but I m not sure this is the best thing to do when I want her back.

What do you guys think? What's the best move to restore our relationship?

 

I ask you this question, "Why would you want someone back who broke your heart and trust"??

 

I have been in your shoes before and you will just end up being hurt again in the short term. what you need to do is focus on yourself and forget the girl who you put thought was an saint. Maybe in a couple of years, some dating experiences and failures in life will you two understand and contact or cross paths and rekindle what has been lost.

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  • 3 months later...

Im curious on any opinions.

 

Me and my ex broke up about one month ago exactly due to a very stupid trivial reason. We remained on fairly good terms, the occasion text just general blah blah blah. Then I find out that hes now in a relationship with someone he met only 6 days ago at a music festival. I have now just cut all contact. The funny thing is that the person who hes now in a relationship with (Skype relationship) lives over 400 miles away from him. My ex is not a fan of traveling, let alone has much money to travel and the person who he is "with" is an unemployed student. Now knowing my ex like I do I'm like 99.9% sure this wont last more than 2 months, my ex is a very hands on kinda guy, he has to have his cuddles, always has to be held at nights in bed and generally has to have physical contact (hes quite insecure and a bit paranoid to) and a face on Skype cant give any of the things he needs. People who are close to him were all very shocked to find out about this so called relationship. Now obviously I want him back but hes going to be made to work for it. I have spent the time apart to do exactly what has been said, I have myself have had a bit of fun, one night stand. I'm back to myself again but feel even better, stronger. More clearer. But anyway the fact is I do love this guy and plan to get him back when the time is right. I'm keeping myself away from him. Doing what im doing in the meantime, I know some will say just forget about him. And for the immediate future I am. I have a mutual friend who said they will tell me when this so called relationship comes to its inevitable end. My question is this though, how long do you guys think I should wait until after the breakup till i initiate contact. obviously Im not just going to make it obvious i want him back, like i said im gonna play it cool. But any advice is greatly appreciated?

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I would wait for him to contact you.

 

Well I think that would be difficult as he will have deleted my number again, he did that already when I didnt contact him for the first 10 days after. I texted him, then he texted me again. So no doubt he will do it again. He gets paranoid and does stupid like that when he thinks people don't want to speak to him. I was thinking of maybe waiting about a week or 2 when he breaks up with the new person? Is that too quick or sound about right???

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  • 2 weeks later...

Guys I need some help! What if the dumper wants to get back with the ex and she already has a boyfriend? I've been using this thread as my ideal strategy but I'm the dumper now turned dumpee, in a sense, so I don't know what to do. I broke up with her for the 3rd time in a 5 year long relationship this past April. I was doing fine for the first two weeks and then she got into a relationship. I pleaded and asked to take me back only once after I found out. She denied me. After that we sorta tried to stay friends but never spoke about us getting back together. I didnt bring it up because I didn't want to sound needy. I went LC to NC for 2 weeks shortly after and she started to send messages about clothes as an excuse to talk to me. Finally one day she texts and asks to talk but not about us (May 21st). She lost her father recently so I told her that anytime she needed to talk I would be there earlier in the year. She told me how she's been miserable, gaining weight, feeling sad for her father, at the time also questioning her new relationship. She did at the time make it obvious that she was thinking about me, saying that a friend sent her screenshots of me hanging out with another girl(my social accounts are private, another strategy to make her feel a void). She sounded jealous, even asking if I'm dating. She asked how I was doing and what not. She even asked me a hypothetical question about us, if we were still together. I gave her advice and support but kept my answers about me very short and vague. She would call me and text frequently after but never about us, mainly about asking for advice and support on her life issues. This 1st of June I finally decided to tell her that we can't communicate out of respect for her relationship and me. I told her that her boyfriend is supposed to be the one you go to for support. I told her I wish her happiness and to take care. She hasn't texted or called since. It's been 28 days now and I've been missing her a lot these past 3 days, might be due to a bad dream I had about her. I want her back but I'm stuck on wether it's a good idea to contact her. I'm pretty sure she got into the rebound relationship to spite me and save face, to boost her ego, to feel secure and safe. It was clear when she put up pictures of themselves kissing 1 day after the official date. She had a post that day about how happy she's been, how she is finally happy and is living life, clearly a messaging of wanting that too be true but it hurt inside. In the past I've always been the one to reach out to her and we would get back together, this is the first time she got into another relationship. I'm her first real one and she experienced everything with me. Knowing this, should I again reach out to her, even after I sent that NC message? I know she's still thinks about me, this girl wanted to marry me and have kids with me. She did try to get back with me when I first broke up with her, but I pushed her away. I made a big mistake. We are in our early twenties. Please, someone advice? It been getting much harder now when I thought NC would help me move on and feel better.

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  • 2 months later...

Hey guys,

 

I was reading Zorba's post on the first page and this was a TOTAL revelation to me...!!!

 

My story is long and complicated, so I'll try to explain it in the shortest possible way...

 

Me and my ex had a few issues pre-breakup. I was on a self-destructive path where I was eating junk food, intentionally not sleeping a lot and gaming late and doing other stuff because I wasn't happy with my life and my self, although she did make me very happy. In fact, I haven't been happier with a person in my whole entire life (including family and friends)...! I sabotaged her efforts to eat healthier by keeping eating junk so all the good food was getting spoiled in the fridge...I whined when we were exercising and abandoned soon after starting...but still, we loved each other. But my lack of sleep, unhealthy lifestyle along with the fact I have ADD also had negative impacts on our sex life (I sometimes couldn't "keep it up", due to my brain shutting down/losing attention) and it became a major frustration for her as she was thinking I wasn't getting turned on by her (which is totally untrue, quite the opposite). But the worst was that I didn't go and get any help or look into the issue (since then I learned about ADD and sex, as well as sleep deprivation's negative impacts).

 

We were both sure that we would spend the rest of our lives together, we were (and are still!) married, so we decided to buy a house. The WRONG house. Too many renovations, too much management, stress, fights because of that...we slowly drifted apart...and at the same time her dad received his sentence for juvenile sexual abuse and went to jail...and she's also dealing with a chronic illness. Needless to say, the timing was bad, I insisted on buying this particular house despite my mother's advice and her multiple hesitations (that sometimes made her cry). I thought I could take care of everything...I could not. And in fact I should've been taking care of her...but was away losing my mind and soul to that godd*nm house.

 

She became distant, rarely initiating any physical contact. It had been 4 months since we last had sex. I began suspecting she had an affair. And my suspicions were confirmed.

 

I confronted her with that and we both cried our hearts out. We truly believed we would grow old together but this was too much and she "acted out" by ing with this guy 7 years younger than me (I'm 32 she's 29). She had never ever cheated in her entire life (this was confirmed by close friends and parents) and confessed that when she did it, she actually puked after.

 

Now...the problem is that she still sees him. It's a 1 time a week thing, the guy is super independent, and they rarely communicate during the week. It's barely a rebound but it still is. I was ready to forgive, but she gave all type of different excuses as to why she would prefer not to get back with me.

 

This is an extremely tricky situation as we both still live in the house and we just can't sell it immediately. So NC is near-impossible. In the past month and a half I began working on myself, exercising like never before, eating well, getting to bed early (even if I don't sleep well and need pills...) stopping the self-destructive habits and becoming more of a man lets say. I'm also applying in the Army and all of this is making her really proud...but at the same time she says that she's sad and a bit angry that I wasn't able to do this when we were still together...

 

She's also going through a thirties crisis, which I think was mostly started by all the hell going on in her life. She's seeing friends and doing stuff every single day, going out and drinking every weekend (she barely did it once every 2 months before).

 

The strange thing now is that we got caught into some dynamic that makes us very much like a couple, exept for the physical aspect...we still laugh and make jokes togheter like before, we exercise togheter, watch TV togheter...etc, etc...I have to say that I have a very caring personality and I'm always there to listen to her, prepare meals for her (but she does the same too). I just couldn't figure why she wouldn't get back with me...until I read Zorba's post. I was totally shocked. She has the best of both worlds really, with me and him.

 

Last weekend she told me that one of her best friends told her that she thinks that we would get back together at some point. She said she doesn't think so when asked. I then confronted her saying that I notice how she blocks her feelings towards me in a way she might not even be conscious of. She replied that she is conscious of that (!). She then said she wasn't feeling well and confessed that the other guy had insulted her and had been mean. She wanted to cuddle in bed and go asleep with me. I accepted, knowing the emotional risk for me. She then began crying, saying I was the best guy she had ever met (said it often when we were together), the best guy in the universe, that she had been stupid doing all this to me, that we could move togheter in another city, would I be accepted in the army, that she was pissed that she grew so attached to the other guy, and that she would "sort this out" with him. She also reflected to the fact that I was surely getting "little butterflies" while hugging her...

 

The following day she went and saw him. Took 5 hours. Doesn't take 5 hours to dump a guy. When she got back I asked if she sorted it out and she said "kinda...". After some talk I learned that a crack kinda appeared in their relationship, but she's still unwilling to let him go. I confronted her telling her we're still acting as a couple. She became distant and cold the next day; but 3 days later it's back like before! She was even displeased when I was acting independent and didn't want to watch one of our tv shows with her...!

 

Could any body give me advice on this?? Complete no contact is impossible. She went away 1 week and texted me that she was missing me, so I was thinking of going away for 1 week at my cousin's house...and see what happens. She's becoming vulnerable, as she will be operated soon...and she doesn't think the other guy will stay in the picture after her remission...

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is excellent advice if you were too needy/clingy or did nothing wrong, but I'd urge caution if she dumped you and went on the rebound due to you treating her badly.

If you want your ex back due to the latter, you may have to show you do care, especially if she's insecure. NC destroyed any hopes I had, as it reaffirmed her belief that I simply did not care less about her.

Of course this is not the case for all scenarios but think hard.

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