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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


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How To Reignite Lost Feelings In A ...
How To Reignite Lost Feelings In A Relationship

So my ex-fiance is currently seeing an 18 year old who is still in high school. He said he met him a week after our break-up and it just happened. Now apparently they're in love. It's been a month already I am no longer in contact with him, but he continues to post on Twitter about this guy and towards him, little love songs and such and about their day. We were in a four LDR and now this guy is local so he could see him every day. We have so many memories and I guess this was the final straw. I would like to know if this is a rebound for him to get his mind off of me. We went from talking to everyday to this, had plans for him to come move here and start a life together, but the plans are gone now after he met this guy.

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I have a dilema with this method...

 

I broke up recently with a girl I have been very close friends with for nearly 7 years, she was in love with me for nearly 6 of those years, but she was from America and I'm from London and after studying here on two different times and me go to the states twice, she couldn't get a job in London and left, deciding with no chance in sight of being together in the same country we should break up. Apart from that I thought we were solid and it was only that that split us up.

 

Then back at home 2 months later, I find out she is basically going out with one of her collage friends who she's known about 6 years and as far as I know never had a liking for before. She actually went out with another friend before we got together for real because we met online and i told her she was free to date until we were in the same country - but she didn't date this guy, she dated someone else.

 

Now if it's a rebound (she seems to be getting him to watch the same shows as we did, skype all the time and watch shows together like we did) then I could do no contact (she still wants to talk but not as much) but I have no straight forward chance of ever being with her unless either she gets a job at a company where she can transfer to London or i get a job well paying enough that I could ask her to marry me... which would be a HUGE step and somewhat unlikely.

 

The thing is she was my very best friend in the world ever and I miss her so much that I would rather she broke up with me but somehow remained in London just so we could still hang out. I'd be single my whole life but with her as a friend rather than get a girlfriend and not have her friendship.

 

So if I break contact, I am losing what is my best case scenario (being friends at least) however, she's talking to her new guy all the time because like in my relationship with her, she has a best friend/boyfriend. I've lost BOTH places. So maybe the no contact thing will work in my favour when they get over their honeymoon period or even split up and she'll come back to me as a best friend at least and have best friend status more seperated from boyfriend status... I mean the way I was with her to begin with and the way this guy is it's like every minute she is online she was/is talking to me/him, instead of having a fair amount of time for other friends. Maybe with NC I she would devote less time to him and I get my friend back?

 

Also she as talking to this guy before she went back home- didn't talk much for a few years but then started again, probably talking about problems with me. It seems he became her best friend and then that led to them being a couple so maybe she's not about to NOT be best friends with who ever she is dating.

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I found this thread by accident, trying to figure out what to do, but I would really like some advice. So long story short: my ex and I are young but we dated almost 7 months and were super serious. He had trust/anger issues due to his rough past. I convinced him that he needed therapy to be happy again and said I would be there for him through it all. He Broke up with me saying he wanted to work on those first before continuing our relationship but said he still loved me. We got in an argument and he suddenly said he no longer wanted me and to stay out of his life. Left him alone for a week and tried to text him. He was receptive and said he’d think about getting back together but wanted space. I’ve been doing no contact for a little over a week now and I just found out he has a new girlfriend! It’s been less than 3 weeks! How did he move on so fast!! She was his “best friend” for a long time and She lives an hour away too. Both of them are tweeting negative things about me and he's told a mutual friend he still creeps on me and other guys still bother him. But he also blocked my number.. Probably due to his new girl. This is probably a rebound and probably won’t last right.. What do I do?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't know if Zorba is still in this site but any advise would help. So here we go. I haven't told the whole story yet cause it is too painful.

 

 

I am 51 he us 57. We have known each other for over 30 years but just got together 4 years ago. When we got together it was like a tidal wave and we just clicked instantly. We moved in together shortly after and it was going so well. We fell in love.

 

We continued this way for almost 4 years. We were happy, never fought, always enjoyed each other's company, laughed all the time, very affectionate with each other, sex was great, people would have killed for our relationship.

 

Then January if this year. He was going to Vegas with the boys and a week before he says to me. That he has not been happy with us lately and doesn't know why. We talked and I told him on his trip to take the time.

 

So he goes to Vegas for 8 days (usually 6 days but whatever) and the second day there I call him and a woman answers his cell. I thought I got the wrong number. A couple days later I see a picture if him and this woman I know he knows from here that he has been friends with for years. They are at the Hoover dam. He never told me he went there. I know she is also a poker player as is he.

 

I then find out that he has possibly slept with her. I don't say anything at first and when he gets back I ask him about her. He says they just ran into each other there. I am thinking yeah right.

 

So fast forward 2 weeks and he is now telling me he needs space and wants to see if we are what he wants. I ask him if there is someone else. He says no. I confronted him with all my suspicions. That I know it started in December when he said he first started not bring happy. To meeting in Vegas. To him needing "space". He still denied it. I even said he has hurt me enough that I deserved to know all of the truth. He still denied it.

 

Now I know she has gone away for a couple of weeks. So he doesn't see her.

 

So I go about looking for a place to live. It is going to be 2 months. He says That is fine. That I don't have to leave right away. He tells me that he is not sure he us doing the right thing but it is something he needs to do. He cries I cry and in those two months we talk a lot. We still sleep together still hang out still laugh still don't fight but talk a lot. He still kisses me goodbye every morning. He ends up getting me an apartment and helps me move. He puts money in our joint account that we still have because I have to go and buy new furniture. I don't ask him to he just does.

 

I did all the wrong things at first. I begged cried. Told him I didn't understand. On our last day together I asked him if he was at all sad. He said part of him was sad just mostly confused.

 

After he gets me moved in. He hugs me and asks if I am ok. I said no and pulled away from him. He is crying. We go back it his place cause I need to get my car and he cries all the way home.

 

2 weeks later we are talking and I asked if he missed us and he said I am trying not to. I asked what that meant either yes or no. First he said no. Then he paused and said yes he missed me. I ask why he didn't tell me he said he didn't want me to know

 

Two weeks later I find out they are going to spend the weekend together. After that weekend I was talking to him and asked him about his weekend. He said he went away. Didn't say who with and I didn't ask.

 

His friends and family say they don't think he is seeing anyone. But I know for a fact he is.

 

Everyone says to stay strong and let him miss me and he will be back. What do you all think? I live this man with every fibre of my being and I know we are supposed to be together. I am now in NC and will stay that way no matter how hard it is.

 

I don't sleep much these days. Have lost 23 lbs. I feel like a teenager all over again with these emotions. But I can't help it. It just hurts so much.

 

Sorry for the long post. I just had to finally get it all out.

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hello there ..first i would like to excuse for my bad english..but i shell try to do my best well the story is ..that was in a relationship with this girl from last 3 year..1 year back it happnd to be that i cheated with her ..& she found it out..but after a little fight we got beck togther but relation was never so good ..& some what i didnt put more to win her trust beck..then now last 5/6 month she went cold..kind of a dead relation ..now 2 weeks beck..she told me that she is seeing some one else ...& she cant be with me ..& also said that its not working between us ..she is confuse but still want to try with this guy ..but want to stay friend with me ..i listen to her very calm & refuse to stay friends & left without any drama ...1 week i didnt call or write or any thing ..but then emotiond kicked in & called ..asked to have some drinks togther ..so we meet & we talked ..i didnt beg her or some thing but yes i ask her to came beck ..& bla bla..but she said " this guy is nice ..she like him & she want to learn him more ..& i have no chance with her anymore " so i left ..& then so from last 3 days no contect..but today i bump im to her sister ( 100% accidantly ) she she start to talk & told me that she think "krista ( my ex) is not into this guy as krista told her during chat that there is no spark ...& also she told that krista was saying " if bobbie really wants me beck..he should try normal " ..(i dont know what is that ing normal ) well now i am very confuse if i should go on with no contact or try talkthigs out ..one side if i go with her saying ..i feel like to talk ..but other side i think why then she told me her self ..that its going good & she is not confuse any more about that guy & want to learn him better "?? ..( one thing i for get to mention here ..that she is not from my country ..& she dont have much friends here just jer sister ..few people with whshe work & me & offcourse now this new so called bf ..she use to depand 100% on me for every single thing so it wont be ver crual to leave her like this witu no contect ..?? her new bf is also not near her & only avilble in weekends ) kindly help advise me on this what should i do ..no contact??or what

thnx in adnc

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Hi all,

 

Just registered here but I've been browsing this board since my breakup.

 

My relationship ended about a month and a few weeks ago. It was an argument that ended very rough, with insults and temper tantrums. I lost my head and she ended it. After that, I did the begging and the pleading shortly after until I decided to go NC. 3 weeks in I decided to get in contact and it was just a short exchange of things, I felt she was distant. I continued NC.

Last night I was out in a restaurant with some friends and I see her walking out and she's with another guy, and I immediately felt like I had been stabbed in the stomach, because of my hopes of reconciliation. Shortly, that feeling of betrayal turned into anger and I decided to send her text messages telling her that I couldn't believe that I had wasted my time with her, and how easily she forgot what we had shared.

 

Reconciliation was in my mind before last night, but now I feel like I don't want to waste time to even think about her anymore. With my reaction, how will this affect her? What will her reaction be?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Anyone know signs of a rebound? I cant really tell, we dated for almost two years, two months later she got into a relationship, but she was still seeing me after a week of nc. She still has everything i gave her and she said she hopped into something new two weeks ago. But still doesnt give the full picture. What are some signs that could show a rebound

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I started a thread, but i'm looking for more help from you guys so I'm posting it here as well. hope its not borthering.

 

Since I broke up with my ex about 6 weeks and a half ago, I started looking for help online. Finally I got here and have read a lot of very useful threads and posts. I have been in NC for 5 weeks. Got a little myself back, but still need some help.

 

We are both from China. My ex is 30 (31 in two weeks time), I'm 27. We met in London. We dated about 2.5 years. Then we moved in living together 6 months after we started dating. We loved each other very much. We had a few argues as well, especially the second year, we were both in final year of college. It was very busy and stressful for both of us. We had more argues than the first year, and less sex. And I could feel our relationship went weak sometimes. Maybe it was just because we were living together so it made us difficult to be apart(can't find a good vocabulary, or maybe breaking up?). But I really loved her and I believed she loved me as well. She even wanted to marry me and would like to stay in the UK with me illegally(I didn't want to go back to China because of the political thing). I have to say it wasn't a very healthy relationship, but we loved each other deeply. She wasn't very sexual attractive, me neither. But we just cared each other a lot. We both had problem of communicating with people. Because all of our parents work for the Chinese government, we both don't like their jobs, so our childhood and teenhood were full of untrustable people around. She was like the only person I would like to talk to when I needed someone, I was the one for too.

 

It wasn't a very successful year for me last year. My degree show was unsuccessful. It made me very depressed(I was cheerful before it). Later she helped me get in another show, but it was unsuccessful again. At the time, my student visa was expiring, I had to leave the UK. Things were happening too soon, I didn't even have time to plan my future then forced to go back to China in late of October. She got in another course to stay in the UK. Then we started a long distance relationship. She asked me if I wanted her to come back to China to stay with me. I refused, because I didn't want her to suffer it. Living in China is like suffering for both of us. Things went worse when I come back to China. It's been difficult for me to start me career, also difficult for me to go back to the UK. Time zone also is a little annoying. Sometimes we couldn't control our emotion when we were texting. Finally I got a job in beijing about 3 months ago(got a job, but it means I had no idea of when I would have a chance to go back to London). I said I would marry her if her parents push her to get married(Some Chinese parents do push their kids to get married). She was very touched. She understood it was difficult for me to promise her anything more than that, because it was too long distance. And I had nothing to afford her. I felt sorry for that though, couldn't make any promise to a long term partner. At the beginning of my job, it wasn't very happy as well. I had to learn how to work with people and, you know it's my first job, and salary was quite low, couldn't save anything. I felt depressed and needy. There was a Sunday I missed her so much and had texted her for a whole day. She just replied an emocon and said she was working(I knew she worked on Sundays). Then I just started texting her the next day. But she said she was lying on bed and didn't want to text much. I just really wanted to text her and facetime then I just sent facetime request continually. She got mad and said if I sent anymore request she would block me. I sent and got blocked. Then I started begging, crying and everything. And I sent her an email. Then she went on a planed trip. I didn't bother too much during her trip, but when she finished her trip, I started texting and begging. She texted back and said she replied me an email. I went to check it, it says she didn't want to be with me together. It had been hard for her, but she still wanted to be friend with me. I soon started text her and begging for another chance. Then she told me she just started dating someone and the guy asked her to be his girlfriend, and she agreed. Then I just stopped begging and briefly said I had good time with her in London and blah blah blah then said goodbye.

 

The next day I asked her if I could call her. I gave her a call about 1 hr and a half. Talked about what happen recently in London and Beijing and some daily stuff and a little about her new guy. Most of it was good but the new guy. Then the next 2 days she initiated texting me. Nothing about our relationship in the text. The first day she texted me saying her roomate was laying one of her friend, I replied not interesting and asked if she had insomnia. The second day she asked me something about her camera. I never replied and started NC. She unblocked me about 5 days after NC. I sent her a text by mistake at about day 14(a stupid mistake, sent a word EAT). I have been working on these days. Made conversation with my old friends and talked to my family, worked harder and had a date.

 

She liked a photo on my tumblr about 2 week ago, and I got a text from her about 3 days ago. She said she had dream about me having a new girlfriend. I ignored. Still feel like getting back together with her. So I need your guys help. I think she and I still have a lot to work on ourselves, but I feel like she is my love. I will need her in my life and we both will work on that.

 

Anyone helps with what I should do? I will probably ask her to come meet me in Beijing during summer.

 

Thanks

 

mot

 

 

edit:

 

She found out I unfollowed her on instagram and I blocked her from seeing my moment on LINE. She blocked me and unfollowed me yesterday.

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Cant find anything id rather ask others for opinions

 

You gotta calm down man, it IS a rebound, I already read your story... you cant just keep this up because it'll just drive you nuts, imagine if she stays with this rebound for 6-8 months, you're gonna be stressing over this for that amount of time?? and even if they break up, what if she just finds someone else instead of coming back to you?

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I've read this thread several times, and each time I take something new away from it. However, I've noticed here that a lot of times the dumper doesn't seem to miss the ex at first, when the rebound is brand new, and then it hits them like a ton of bricks later on, when the new-new infatuation phase is over (usually after a few months). I'm wondering if there's any difference if the dumper misses the dumpee very early into the infatuation phase (within two weeks), and continues to miss the dumpee, with the missing supposedly becoming worse and worse despite the fact that it's only been three months into the relationship with the new person. Is it the strength of the infatuation that prevents the dumper from leaving the possible rebound? Are residual feelings for the dumpee preventing the dumper from throwing himself into the relationship as fast as an infatuated person normally would, because they're possibly forcing him to have to take things more slowly, since the failed relationship with the dumpee is so on his mind (i.e. I thought this person was the one, but since that relationship didn't work out, I'm not going to definitively say that this girl and I will stay together forever either)?

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What if it's the dumpee who's with someone two weeks after BU and admitted all his decisions were out of anger for me, I feel like the dumpee but right now I answered all these questions I had, how I pushed him away, how maybe this new guy is better for him and even though they have not too much in common, maybe someone who he doesn't have a lot in common with would be good for him. I miss him and I feel like this isn't a rebound anymore, maybe an emotional band aid that turned into love, even if it was after a week of knowing each other (he admitted he's in love with him.)

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  • 2 weeks later...
Wow. No rambling....you hit the nail on the head. I wish I read this decades ago.....

 

Re: Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

 

Try not to get hope from it. Zorba seemed very wise. Do you what you need to do to recover.

 

My Ex could be in a rebound/GIGS relationship, but I am not holding my breath thinking she will come back. I am not even sure what to do if she did. .

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I’d say I have to agree with Zorba based on some (admittedly rather weak) anecdotal experience; but with one qualifier. A few years back I was in a relationship with a girl in my second year of college. It was fun, but not particularly serious. Long story short I did not give her the kind of emotional commitment that she needed/wanted. Any way she broke up with me after just over a year. Contrary to advice (and due to naivety) I attempted to win her back over a few weeks. Anyway, within 4 weeks she started dating one of my close friends. Now I was very, very angry and upset about this (obviously) and vowed to cut both out of my life. I went hardcore NC on both, and held it for about 7 months. Now, at the time I was adamant, absolutely adamant that she was using him as a fall-back/rebound. I mean it had all of the hallmarks- he had just broken up with his girlfriend, he was my buddy, he was physically very different to me (read: non athletic), and they had lived together for some time as housemates. Moreover nearly every single mutual friend agreed without prompting that it was a terrible idea.

 

At this time I also swore I would never want her back, ever again, and I stuck to it and still believe it to the point where I say “what the hell was I thinking.” However, one thing I could never shake was my total misreading of the situation. They are still together today (nearly two years later) and seem to be doing great- and I harbour little ill feeling toward them beyond the fact that I still don’t really have the same relationship with either. I was 100% sure it was a rebound; and I actually talked to her about this about 3 months ago which was very insightful- she claimed that they made it work because this guy was willing to wait for her, and to help her get over the relationship. Reading Zorba’s post it made me wonder if my hardcore NC was the reason for this, or whether it was never really a rebound in the first place, but she just found someone who was a better bf than I was. Since then this shook my ability to judge rebounds/new relationships. Not that I wanted her back once I was told about what happened, but I wonder, hypothetically, if I had continued to contact with her, if it would have developed any further or ended abruptly. I say all of this due to a similar situation in my life currently.

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Wow i'm glad i came accross with this thread and Zorba is a legend! You made me feel a lot better...

 

Here's my story, my partner of 7 years left me in an instant and just dropped a bomb in front of me with the "i love you but i'm not in love with you" line followed by but we can still be good friends. What's shocking was when i asked him why? He then said coz maybe i'm having an affair? I said since when? He said we started talking a week now and just 2 days ago we been honest to what we feel... So i said with who? He then said with your friend... I was in total shocked! I was shaking and everything...i was crushed! That night he left and moved in with her.

 

That was 3 weeks ago and i feel a bit better now but reading Zorba's thread i came to realize this is what my ex is exactly doing. He wants me and him to be friends and a dumping ground of all his sh*t. He comes everyday to see our son. Now i told him to limit his visit. We just started this week and i hope this works. When he comes i go and he is now wondering why i don't hang around. I don't want him to feel that i am there for him after all what they've done to me. I even told him to spend more time with her coz it might strain their relationship if he always comes to us. He was already rubbing it in my face about how much they love each other (worst he calls her baby too like he calls me). He also told me how she is so perfect and that she's better than me. Also talking about getting married maybe next year and have kids too next year.

 

My question, does this sounds like a rebound? Everything is in a rush... She even wants to move to a bigger flat next month so she can accommodate him properly (all the rent paid by her). He is still supporting us for our rent until after christmas. He left all his cards to me for our son. She said she don't need his money as she has plenty and that she can afford to take him to holidays even 5x a year abroad... Right now she is really wowing him with designer stuff but her son goes to school like a tramp (messy hair, dirty nails and dirty uniforms). It sounds like a rebound to me based on the very fast decisions they're making regarding future and loads of i love you's as well on the first week they're together....

 

What do you think is this a rebound? Thanks

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