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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
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well I am in the same boat..Dont worry..

 

I look at this way...It is better for him to move with her and she sees all the wrongs than keeping the distance kinda clean relationship for few years and you dont move on..

 

Now, she will get the taste of comparisons between you and him and eventually you will figure out..

 

In mean time, I suggest what I do..MOVE ON...

 

If she comes back, she will on her own..

 

Eric..

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Yea well..my ex jumps into a relationship a week and a half after we broke up.

And he's feeding us all different information.

To me he said she's 'lousy', to one of his best friends (a mutual friend) he told him how good she is and all.

 

This mutual friend said things just don't add up. He mentioned that although there are pictures of this girl on his phone, he still doesn't believe that there is one. The other day he was off from work, and this friend asked, aren't you going to spend time with that girl? And he was like, no we agree not to tie each other down. This friend then asked me, was he like this when he was with me? I said no, he mostly spends his free time with me, especially during the beginning of the relationship.

 

Last night he sent me a msg: If you want a chance to get back together, reply within 2 minutes. I didn't. I replied after 15 minutes and I only sent back a smiley. Then he was like, you're too late, no more chance. And all I did was 'haha'. And so he asked me (again) if I were starting classes soon. I didn't reply and after a couple of hours he msg again "you there?" and after an hour he called. Didn't answer.

 

This morning (just now) I simply responded with a casual 'yea?' and he immediately replied with a 'never mind'. Boy, he's p***ed

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This mutual friend said things just don't add up.

 

Don't get sucked into the mind games. As soon as you stop caring one way or another about these sorts of antics, the happier you'll be.

 

A mutual friend has told me that my ex is just friends with the "new" guy, and my ex feeds me lines like he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Which one is telling the truth? It doesn't matter! Only you matter.

 

Go out, live your life, and have fun.

 

-Mike-

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Zorba's definitely been the voice of reason as I moved on from my break-up. My ex is practically begging to meet me now, from following his advice. Is there hope for reconciliation? Who cares - I'm awesome without her.

 

-Mike-

 

oOOHH, what exactly did you do? Can you go into more details, hun?

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oOOHH, what exactly did you do? Can you go into more details, hun?

 

I did a combination of NC for a bit, LC, and gave an ultimatum ("I prefer you don't contact me anymore so we can both move on with class and dignity"). Then I let her chase me (she sent a b'day gift, texts, e-mails, etc. even after telling her not to contact me). I thanked her for the gift/replied to her texts in my own time.

 

But most of all, I got myself back (it happened during the past week or so). After I did, I just kinda got over it... I realized that spending the time pining over her wasn't doing me any good. I really let (her) go. I know I'm a great guy and if she doesn't see that, it's her misfortune.

 

You can search/read previous threads of mine for more detail.

 

-Mike-

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Well, I installed a tracker on my page and had some friends test it for me, and yes, they were on my stats report. I was only able to see their service provider and city, but here's the kicker.... for my IP address, it shows my company name and city!!! I only have my company laptop as my primary computer and he knows where I work.

 

Might I ask what tracker you installed and where I can find it? Need to see if my ex is checking my Facebook-page... =P

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Hi Love4life,

 

I have two examples to completely negate your theory. Here's what happened...

 

With my first ex gf of 5 years (who dumped me for my best friend) I completely stopped talking to her and cut off all contact. She didn't come back to me. Infact she's still with my friend and she will be married to him in a couple of months!

 

With my current ex gf, I got dumped again for her ex bf! her ex was always in the picture..he continually kept contact (as a friend ofcourse) And she actually felt that he was someone who would always be there for her no matter what happened and she went back to him!!!

 

Now, I lost in both cases!! What do you have to say to that???

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Hi Love4life,

 

With my current ex gf, I got dumped again for her ex bf! her ex was always in the picture..he continually kept contact (as a friend ofcourse) And she actually felt that he was someone who would always be there for her no matter what happened and she went back to him!!!

 

Now, I lost in both cases!! What do you have to say to that???

 

I'd rather move on and get my life back than be the annoying ex boyfriend who hangs around like a pathetic puppy dog hoping that one day she comes back.

 

How many months/years did he waste hoping she would come back when he might have missed out on an opportunity for something better in or out of a relationship?

 

Him always being there is what probably drove her away in the first place and eventually it might drive her away again.

 

 

And as for your first example...she left you for your best friend. You got rid of a loser...how exactly have you lost?

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That can happen. I think in the first case I would suspect you were both young and young women and young men in general haven't a notion about what they want, until they find it or indeed lose it. 5 years is a long time at any age and if there wasn't real movement forward, many, if not most will look elsewhere. Doubly the case with women.

 

In the second case, there were likely a few scenarios going on. She may have rebounded with you far too quickly. If he was one of her "big" loves then she won't have let him go in her head. She found you more attractive at the time, but her need for contact with him shows she wasn't attached to you as much you thought. Very common. I would also suspect the contact was more from her side especially near the end. He basically increased his attraction to the point where it was more than the attraction she had for you. Or at least just enough where the addition of a shared history and friendship tipped the balance in his favour.

 

Love4Life's theory is one I think holds up in most cases. In the case where the person can't let go of the ex, for whatever reason and can't be without them in their lives the new person/rebound has their work cut out for them holding on to them. In most cases the dumper only wants the ex around in down times or to assuage their guilt.

 

The ex has to play it very well though and have the mental strength and patience to do so. Now when people say you shouldn't be friends with an ex, that's true. What I think is the main problem with that is that people are missing one vital point. The dumpee can't be friends with the ex in 99% of cases. I mean actual friends.

 

The newly dumped is much more likely to push the ex further and further away by needy emotional stuff. If the dumpee, is cool calm and collected and goes along, or at least appears to go along with the dumpers decision, another version of good old reverse psychology comes into play.

 

The reason I think Love4Lifes theory is true is because as most dumpees are needy and vulnerable, leaving the scene to the new person achieves two things. One, they don't drive the dumper away. Two, the rebound has to deal with a person that is used to a long termer and wants that same intimacy very quickly again and three, the memories of the ex will tend more to be good ones than bad, especially if their life or their rebound hits a bump in the road. Then it's highly likely WHAM!, they're sniffing around the ex again.

 

I think SuperDave put this well when he said "if you don't do anything you can't screw up". That goes for most dumpees.

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Two, the rebound has to deal with a person that is used to a long termer and wants that same intimacy very quickly again and three, the memories of the ex will tend more to be good ones than bad, especially if their life or their rebound hits a bump in the road. Then it's highly likely WHAM!, they're sniffing around the ex again.

 

Exactly... It is no surprise to me that my ex, who is pretty sick with the flu right now, has suddenly reached out to me. Why? Because in our >5.5 years together, I always took care of her when she was sick. Now I'm not around and voila... An instant need to contact/see me.

 

-Mike-

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Zorba

 

That can happen. I think in the first case I would suspect you were both young and young women and young men in general haven't a notion about what they want, until they find it or indeed lose it. 5 years is a long time at any age and if there wasn't real movement forward, many, if not most will look elsewhere. Doubly the case with women.

 

 

I think this is exactly what happened!!! It all makes sense now. To this day, I wasn't able to figure out why she left me!

 

In the second case, there were likely a few scenarios going on. She may have rebounded with you far too quickly. If he was one of her "big" loves then she won't have let him go in her head. She found you more attractive at the time, but her need for contact with him shows she wasn't attached to you as much you thought. Very common. I would also suspect the contact was more from her side especially near the end. He basically increased his attraction to the point where it was more than the attraction she had for you. Or at least just enough where the addition of a shared history and friendship tipped the balance in his favour.

 

I think this seems to make sense. She was with her ex bf on and off for 2 years. She had dumped him coz she thought he was too needy and possesive. She stopped talking to him for a few months and then they became best of friends!! I still can't see how she could do that!! maybe she still wanted him around - something to fall back when she needed someone! And when we started off she would keep complaining that he would still call and text her often and she hated that. And whenever I was around, she would not even pick up his calls!

 

Now, when she broke up with me, the first person she goes to is HIM!!! She starts calling him and I have seen her post on online site saying that she misses him and wish he were around. That they had so much more to do as friends blah blah.. This just doesn't make sense! Is she really trying to get back at me or has she started feeling for him again???

 

I know I was a rebound for her..and now she's gone back to her ex as they have history and they're friends. Is there anyway I can still get her back? Or is she gone forever?

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I'd rather move on and get my life back than be the annoying ex boyfriend who hangs around like a pathetic puppy dog hoping that one day she comes back.

 

How many months/years did he waste hoping she would come back when he might have missed out on an opportunity for something better in or out of a relationship?

 

Him always being there is what probably drove her away in the first place and eventually it might drive her away again.

 

 

And as for your first example...she left you for your best friend. You got rid of a loser...how exactly have you lost?

He was there for 2+ years on and off. They've broken up a couple of times, but they have still managed to stay v good friends! I think that's one thing that I didn't have with her! I was her "rebound" and we were never really such good friends!

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Hey yo,

As you can see, I defer my responses to Zorba, my PR guy ;-)

 

Sounds to me like both your ex and her ex-now-BF are both very weak people. I had one BF who was always so eager to please and clingy and I just couldn't respect him for that. I like a man who can stand his ground and has a bit of a stubborn streak. Sounds to me like your ex knew he loved her more than she did and felt safe with that. Bottom-line: she settled and now YOU don't have to!

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I think SuperDave put this well when he said "if you don't do anything you can't screw up". That goes for most dumpees.

 

I know this is the best thing to do to heal and move on, but what if you need the person back?

 

I think 90% of the time, the dumpers DON'T get back with the dumpees. So, if you don't do anything, you don't screw up anything alright, but you don't get them back either!! And how long will you wait for your ex to come back?? They may or may not and I think most of the times even they would have healed and they move on.

 

I am not saying that you should stalk the other person or beg or plead them to get back; but, maybe do something special to get them back! If only I could figure out that "something special" was, I wouldn't be here

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