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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
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Hello all,

 

I have a couple threads started but am confused about how to deal with my ex that may or may not be in a rebound but maybe just in a new relationship. We were together for almost 8 yrs and stress and a lot of fighting led to the break up 5 months ago. He was drifting off before he moved out which led to more stress and fighting all while building a house.

 

anyway, 4 months ago he met a new girl (he knows I know, because I saw them- you can read my other posts). We talked about it and I followed advice given to not be bothered by it and to wish them well and let him know I was happy for him.

 

Now I am wondering that if he thinks I am ok, happy and moving on...wont that just give him peace of mind to peruse the new relationship even more and without guilt or thinking of me? They seem to be moving full speed ahead and he seems very happy (I know it's only been a month). I think she may even spend the holidays with him and his family which is killing me. I know I am supposed to sit back and let things happen but all I want is for him to come home. I am so confused.

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What alternatives do you have really? If you persue him you'll only push him away. The only thing you can do is let it run its course and go no-contact. I understand it hurts, you've been togheter for 8 years. But trust me, its impossible for him to get over such a long time relationship in just a month. Its been said a thousand times but go no-contact, figure out what went wrong in your relationship and try to stay busy. It will only hurt you if you keep contacting him or stalk his facebook.

 

I'd also advice you to try and stop assuming things about their relationship. You have no idea what is going on between them or in his head. You're only torturing yourself this way.

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What alternatives do you have really? If you persue him you'll only push him away. The only thing you can do is let it run its course and go no-contact. I understand it hurts, you've been togheter for 8 years. But trust me, its impossible for him to get over such a long time relationship in just a month. Its been said a thousand times but go no-contact, figure out what went wrong in your relationship and try to stay busy. It will only hurt you if you keep contacting him or stalk his facebook.

 

I'd also advice you to try and stop assuming things about their relationship. You have no idea what is going on between them or in his head. You're only torturing yourself this way.

 

Thanks for your response. I made a mistake in my post. It's been 5 months since BU, and he just met this girl a month ago not 4 months ago. Unfortunately we can't go NC because we do have the house to deal with but I will not be contacting him unless absolutely necessary.

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Thanks for the reply. Nice to know its not just me thinking that.. Now were day 6 NC. Today is a rough day... I after what happened Saturday i expected to here from her... I want to break nc so bad...

 

Well your Saturday experience aside, she broke up with you and said she does not want to see or talk to you unless absolutely necessary, correct? If that's the case then respect that and DO NOT give in to the impulse. It'll pass. Just write out your frustrations to us here. Unless you've already done so, go into a bit of detail about the relationship and the breakup. Why did she leave and why did she claim to want to not see or talk to you at all?

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Well your Saturday experience aside, she broke up with you and said she does not want to see or talk to you unless absolutely necessary, correct? If that's the case then respect that and DO NOT give in to the impulse. It'll pass. Just write out your frustrations to us here. Unless you've already done so, go into a bit of detail about the relationship and the breakup. Why did she leave and why did she claim to want to not see or talk to you at all?

 

She left because she said she doesn't feel it anymore. here is a copy/paste of a post i made in another forum... it's the condensed version...

 

note to.. that 2 weeks before she broke up with me she was nose deep in adoption research... she claims she's been feeling like this for awhile... but i have a hard time believing that knowing we were trying to get pregnant and looking into adoption.

 

 

 

I'm going to try and make this quick as the feedback I am seeking is to the end of the story. i'm 27. ex fiance 26

Been together 5 years. overall a very good relationship. engaged after 2.5, planning to have kids but fighting fertility issues on her side.she has had bouts with minor depression before. We moved into this new place a year ago.. something changed. we both become very reclused. didn't have parties or go out anywhere.. became very stuck in our routine.. This is not like me at all and i hadn't really noticed it as i was still happy to be by her side even if it was just watching tv.. intimacy levels got lower. she begins to have all signs of major depression. she also has hypothyroidism

 

One night she's out with friends she's the DD.. i get a msg saying ill be home to wake you up after we eat.. she doesn't come home.. she breaks up with me in the morning after a full night of worrying.. i go into panic mode trying to find out what went wrong. she gives me reason but also says that it;s just not there anymore... i find this hard to believe as i hadn't seen any signs of lower feelings of love... for a week she doesn't come home.. when she finally does we talk and things seem to be on the right track..at the end of the night she breaks down and recants everything she said before.. saying she thinks what she said is right but it doesn't feel right....

 

I find out a few days later that 2 days after the breakup she was sleeping with someone else...This is completely out of character for her as she is a fairly reserved women..she also did ecstasy that weekend.. something she hasn't played around with in 6 years. I'm torn by this.. kind of loose it... after this i feel like i'm not even dealing with the same person i proposed to.. i researched and got as much information about depression as possible..

 

This is where I would really appreciate advice from someone who has been through depression that caused loss of love and maybe a breakup..

 

I finally got her back over last night and i had a conversation about depression.. and that it affected both of us and that it wasn't her fault.. she told me she started to get help.. i am very please with that.. in our conversation i wanted to shine a light on the things depression can affect... i made sure to state that the way she feels now is not wrong by any means.. feelings are feelings but if she is going through this they can play games with you... After our conversation i asked her some open question

1. How do you feel about the things that were said?

She replied - Everything that was said makes sense....

 

2. how do you feel right now.. just feelings?

she replied - I don't know

me - I understand. it must be tough not knowing how you feel.

her - I don't know.. i'm just confused

 

 

My ultimate question.... everyone around me is telling me to let her go...she is telling her friends it is over.. but after this conversation where i feel we clicked and she was speaking genuinely.. i feel as though she's looking deeper..

Could she be telling her friends that it's over done with a defense mechanism to avoid having to express her feelings and give reasons she maybe confused.

and am i justified in seeing that she said what i said made sense and that at that moment her feelings were confused.. it makes me feel like the girl i knew was fighting to come out..

 

Thanks

P.S. in our convo i also asked her if she blamed me or our relationship for how she's feeling... maybe not the best question but that's how i felt and it hurt.. she responded with no i don't... and at the end she said "WE need space" a week ago everything was I need space, I need time.

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I would like to add to my post above as a question for those that are thinking they are in a rebound relationship.... If you are the possible reboundee, why do you get yourself involved? I mean my ex said to me "she knows my situation", they even made a jokingly pact together that they will not build a house together. So they must have spoken in great detail about our relationship. So what is her motive???

 

We still own the house we JUST built, I still live in it. It's only been 5 months Thursday since we broke up. We were together for over 7 yrs (lived together 6+ yrs).... I can't imagine putting myself in that situation.

Edited by heythereinsd
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I apologize, I DO remember reading your story (see page #214 entry #2139 for my response). I have no experience dealing with someone who is clinically depressed, but my opinion is that she is extremely confused. It's likely that the stress of the fertility/adoption process was greatly compounded by her illness (if that's a proper term?). That very possibly could be the entire root of the breakup. At the very least a catalyst.

 

Could her telling her friends that it's over be a defense mechanism? Yes but it's difficult to say with certainty. Maybe she meant it when she said it but I don't think that's important. What I think IS important is recognizing her current state of mind. Considering her medical issue and her highly uncharacteristic behavior, I'd say it's very obvious that she's confused and emotionally distraught. That said, I wouldn't give much credence to what she's saying right now. Emotions and opinions fluctuate with all of us, but particularly with someone who is so emotionally damaged.

 

Was she admitting to you that she's confused during your talk? I'd say absolutely. I think talking to her calmly the way you did was exactly the right thing to do. I personally think if you are hoping to work things out with her, keeping the lines of communication open is vital. Yes giving her the space she asked for is important, but strict NC isn't the best approach here in my opinion. Sure she may have told you during the breakup that she doesn't want to see or talk to you unless absolutely necessary, but it seems to me that the Saturday event was her reaching out a bit. Certainly she had an impulse to make some sort of minor contact. All of this fluctuating behavior shows that she's confused/unsure. Don't pressure her in any way, but don't close her out with NC either (unless your intention is to walk away from her for good of course). If she "bumps into you" again, or contacts you in any way, feel free after the fact to send her a tiny little message "It was nice seeing you. Hope you're doing well" (or something like that). Just let her know you're there and you care.

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Your feedback is very much appreciated. I do completely agree with you in that strict NC may no be the best idea.. My only concern is that i believe in my current situation I shouldn't be the one initiating the contact.

Over the past couple days i have been speaking with my brother (his gf is my exes best friend) He said that the influx of messages to his girlfriend has drastically decreased since we stopped contact. Prior to this it was like a tornado everyone was being sucked into... and her friend and I haven't always seen eye to eye.

Another thing to note is that my brothers girlfriend can't keep her mouth shut about anything..After our contact on saturday my brother kept his ears open and hi gf said nothing about the contact. which leads me to believe that my ex omitted the information so she would not have to deal with the drama her friends creates.

I want to remain in LC so she knows i am still willing to support her but i know if i attempt any contact and for whatever reason she is not ready then she will go directly to her friend and the cycle will be reset..

As it stands right now this is the first week that things have been quiet in our circles. I feel that this may be the opportunity needed for my ex to actually sit down and digest everything. Maybe start to miss what she had. Heal over the hectic 2 weeks prior. and no longer be poisoned by un-supportive friends.

 

The last time she had an episode like this and left me. she went straight to her moms and was by herself... after a week she came back regretting her decision. alot of the same things were said.. this time was different in that she went to her best friends where my brother also lives..i know her best friend encouraged her to go out and have some fun with other guys.. and will the tornado just gained momentum.. As crazy as it sounds this feel almost feels like the first week of the breakup.. at least to me. Only time will tell.

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I broke no contact today after 8 days.

She called me to tell me about the bank account situation as well as when she as coming to pack

I recently found some things out about her.. that brought a little more light to previous situations...I will try to be brief then explain my conversation with her today. when we started dating there were signs of pathological lying. not going to go into details.. but i found out about some more lies she made before me.. big ones...

anyways this brought to me that fact that after we became a solid couple all the lies stopped.. this is a sign that she was being satisfied and content with her life.. and didn't feel the need to create illusions of grandeur...

So i decided to contact her so that she can think of these things before tuesday...At first she was very defensive as expected when confront with things such as lying.. But after she said agreed that it made sense that our relationship kept her content...I went on to talk about the fact that our last year was very stagnant.. which is in turn makes it tough to be happy... I went on to talk about how i am in a much better place and able to look at our relationship we had objectively.. she said she was able to as well.

She told that if saying these things were helping me then she was happy about that.. but that she needed to keep working on herself.. I replied to that with understanding but concern that at no point in our relationship did we communicate that we needed to work together on each other and ourselves.... and that it upset me to see this fall apart knowing it never had a chance to get better.

I also spoke of how if we were in so much love before that it isn't far fetch to think that can come back again.

 

I asked her how long she as preparing to break up with me... she said she didn't prepare.. she just got tired and couldn't do it anymore... I asked her why it seemed she was getting over it so easily... she said it looks that way but she has tough days as well.... it was a 35 minute talk.. she did show frustration after talking for a bit which i expected...

 

If i could get you guys opinion as to whether or not you think this was a good thing to do or not... my hopes are that even though she was not as receptive as i would have liked... the things that were said may resonate with her.... at the same time it could have just pissed her off lol

 

Cheers

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I think it was an excellent thing to do. Everything about a healthy relationship involves good communication. She may have gotten frustrated at certain points, but it sounds to me like she was very receptive to sitting down for a talk. The fact that she could openly admit to and discuss her lying is VERY encouraging in my mind. I think you're doing the right thing. Being direct and honest with your discussions without being pushy seems to keep her willing to communicate. Give her time and space to digest everything. Maybe in a few days she'll reach out again.

 

My main concern is her lying when things aren't going smoothly. I mean let's face it, no long term relationship will always run smoothly so this is something you'll have to contend with if you two work things out. Do you think eventually she'd be open to seeing a therapist about all this?

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Note that our talk was over the phone. As i know in person there was a good chance she would have walked out. I agree that talking about the lying was encouraging. but i did tip toe around it. more or less mentioning the situations and saying that I am not here to say what is real and what isn't and that she is the only one. Another thing to note is that normally after we speak i hear about it from my brother as she will run to her best friend.. gossip and then my brother gf will makes comments about it. We haven't heard anything yet which means she kept the conversation to herself.. It could still come out. but normally it's almost instant.

 

I found out today from my brother though that apparently the d-bag she was sleeping with is completely gone. And that she agreed with her friend that it was a little disgusting. made me feel a little better that she came out of that phase.

 

the lying during the relationship was more or less white lies. Things that were un-important. But then again if there might be big ones I don't know about.. I'm a fairly aware person so I think if there was something i would have seen it. If we were to try again I would continue to see my counselor and it would be part of the getting back to together part that she would come to sessions with me. I think that if that ever happens she would be open.. She says she is seeing help but at the same time I wouldn't put it past her that she isn't.

 

Lastly, yesterday I decided to write a letter. I realized that more than likely at this point she doesn't want to hear anymore. Even if it makes sense. She is also a reader. So I composed a letter I've revised it a few times. But I really think it's solid. If any of you would be interested in reading it. It would be much appreciated. In a way it is the hail mary pass. I can't keep pushing anymore. Although a lot of the conversation seemed to be productive no solid answers or progress is noted. Only my assumptions and hope that she understands. After giving her this I'm planning on going NC again. Anything and everything that needs to be said will be in that letter.. and the letter is something she can re read and digest at her own pace. If it does nothing for/to her then I should really be moving forward.

 

Cheers - and let me know if any of you want to read the letter

 

Thanks

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Just an update and this pertains more to the reverse psych part.

 

So decided not to give her the letter I wrote as it just seemed to much like what i've been doing for the past 3-4 weeks... But i did break NC once again yesterday. and i did it twice in one day.. But i believe i set myself up for success.

 

My first call was in the morning and long story short. I gave her a sincere apology for things I said to a friend about having desires to sleep with another women.. somehow it got to her.. It was guy talk.. If you've read my other posts you'll assume that she also has low self esteem. After the apology she Thanked me i said goodbye.. she interrupted my goodbye to tell me to have fun today on my road trip...

 

When I got back from my trip i started to think about her self esteem and that since we had drifted apart over the past few months I was not a source of positive self esteem for her... And i see her on this dating website. Which leads me to believe she's seeking approval and good feelings. So I wanted to put myself in the light of a someone who's sees the good she has.. and obviously after 10 years i know alot.. I wrote out about 20 things that are very personal to her.. So i sent her this text msg "hey i found something really cool i'd like to share with you. if your interest give me a call. if not it's ok." She called me. kinda gives me the sign she is still curious. anyways i said i was going to say somethings. and if she wants to thank me she can if not i'm hanging after.. I read out the 20 things which were all in the format of "You are...." things like creative. good listener. you make good decisions. and so on. After i was done i said thats it have a good night.... She interrupted me and ask why i was doing this... i told her i was doing something similar with myself to raise my esteem and that i realized it was far to long since i told her all the good things she has and that everyone sees. and that i wanted to make her feel good... She said thanks i said goodbye.

 

This is where the reverse psych comes in...She is suppose to meet me here tmrw to help pack. I'm guessing she thinks i'm in the sucking up mode and that she's going to come over i'm going to give her compliments and be all happy.. Instead when she comes here i'm going to tell her that we need to keep our physical space and that she can pack her belongings and to msg me when she's done.. i'm also going to ask her to leave the engagement ring on the table... I believe this will get me the shift in power i need.. As a cherry on top of this. I was packing today and found 2 scrapbooks she made for me. Both the front a back page of both books has a list of 20 reason why she loved me... as well as a hand written letter she wrote to me about how important i was to her and at the end of the letter is 2.5 pages of reasons she loves me... When i tell her i won't be here i'm also going to tell her that there are some things on the table i want her to go through and decide what she wants to do with them..(Very un emotionally)

 

I would imagine she is going to read these.... I know i should be worrying about healing but this seems like to good of an opportunity to help stir up some past love feelings and give the signal that i am moving on at the same time...and get back the power

 

Whats do you guys think?

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I'm not sure I understand the strategy. What is your end game? On the one hand you've maintained some communication and managed to keep her engaged with the issues at some level. That's good. You've also recently let her know you still love her and care for how she's feeling with yesterday's call, right? Ok so far I'm on board. She certainly seems to be responding positively.

 

Now tomorrow she's coming over to (I'm assuming) move her stuff out of your place? I understand you telling her that you feel it's important that she be allowed her space (unless the original plan was specifically you two doing this together), but I'm curious as to what your reasons are for leaving behind the scrapbooks for her to "decide what she wants to do with". To me that's a fairly harsh slap in the face. You are telling her that these very personal gifts don't mean anything to you. The implication here now is you DON'T care. It's the opposite of what you've been trying to show her. Keep in mind, as you yourself have said, she is someone with low self esteem that suffers from depression. I don't see how this helps the situation. Are you hoping to terrify her back into your arms? To me that sounds cruel. What's more is that will only be a temporary solution. You can't manipulate someone into wanting to be with you. So unless I've misinterpreted your plan, I don't agree.

 

Personally I think you should soften your approach. If you still feel the space thing is important, tell her you were thinking that perhaps she'd be more comfortable going through everything herself and you can make yourself scarce until she's done. Make it a question so she can decide how she wants to do it and make certain she feels that you are completely ok with it either way. If she wants you there, be there for her. You don't have to kiss @$$, but DO be nice and supportive. Show her your strength. This could work to your advantage as well because there will likely be a lot of memories and emotions stirred up so this will be another opportunity for communication. If you want her to know you are moving on, that's fine too but personally I think you should leave her with the knowledge that you DO love her, you DO care for her, you DO want to work things out but you also understand that things are as they are right now and you accept that.

 

Look I am by no means an expert, so take my advice or leave it. I just don't see the advantage to playing games if this is someone you want in your life on a permanent basis.

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Well currently we have some communication but it is all one way... after after i communicate she is just cold to it.. She is still answering my phone calls which is a good sign....

 

Note the scrapbook was to me but for both of us as a memory book... the letter was to me.. Right now it seems she is only looking at the bad things.. and doesn't seem to remember anything at all from what we had... our foundation for our relationship was extremely strong.. our emotional connection was crazy...

I'm not intending on leaving them there as a i don't care.. more of a I'm not sure what to do with these things.. and give her to option...The ultimate goal is for her to read her own writing about the way she felt. and the happiness...I've tried to help her remember the good times but it's almost like she doesn't remember them.. at one point during a conversation she was talking as if our entire 5 years was bad... which is completely not true....

 

At the moment her view of me is still as if I will be there if she comes back..i'm her backup. I feel as long as i play that role she will never truly miss or think about the good times... I do see the opportunity of her coming to pack and stirring up feelings.. that is true.. but she is expecting me to be there and be this super nice person... if i tell her that i think we need the space and that i wouldn't feel comfortable in the house with her right yet. then that is the opposite of what's she's expecting. As well as she is only coming to pack her belongings. This will also give her time alone in what used to be our home.. she has not been there alone since the breakup.. She will be surround by good memories (the letter, pictures, scrapbook,) and our animals that miss her dearly.

 

I gave her the apology and the compliments to put myself as someone who does care. and she knows after everything i said that i care more than anything.. Removing myself at this point i think will give the shock that this support structure(me) can disappear. She does have low self esteem but she is searching for a temporary fix right now on this dating site.. I want to shift her view of me from. Desperate, needy want her back.. to I care and think highly of her and can be that positive self esteem. then show her that I won't wait forever. And if it doesn't then at least i'm taking the right steps to moving on.

 

Hopefully that clears up my intentions a little more

 

 

Update : she isn't coming over tonight she has to babysit..I told her that i will still need her portions of the rent by friday and that at the same time i would like the engagement ring back.. So i've managed to put myself in the moving on category and she'll have a week NC from me to mull is over.. She's also going to gym with her girlfriend. so it might help alleviate some of her depression symptoms.. *fingers crossed*

Edited by vberriault
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Ok the scrapbook belonging to you BOTH makes more sense then. I still think being there when she's moving out may offer you a golden opportunity to have some deep heartfelt communication, but you are also right: if she's alone when going through everything, this may allow her thoughts to run wild with memories. Hopefully. It's also possible she'll just forge ahead on "autopilot" and get the job done as quickly as she can. I can't see how she could NOT think of things but God knows.

 

I certainly understand your desire to avoid the weak/desperate image and show her you are moving on. I just want to reiterate that I think it's important that she knows you care and wish it could be different. Knowing that you love her but that you accept things as they are is vital I think. It kind of forces her to accept that this split comes down to her and her alone.

 

I'm sure you know this as well, but her focusing on only the bad stuff is obviously her attempt to justify her actions. That's why it's significant that she knows you still care. It'll make it harder for her to hold on to that illusion.

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I don't think after our conversations and the position i have put myself in there is any doubt about how much I care.... I think there is a little reluctance on her part to take the chance at it.. fear of it not changing....

 

Unfortunately i'm not in the position to show her the things that are different relationship wise.. The only things i can show her is my current attitude and through how i'm living this changed life. this year we've both been more or less staying in the house.. not doing anything.. So i'm going out having fun meeting people... I'm also a stubborn person deep down and i've been fighting this breakup since day one.. so The moving on image and acceptance even though is against everything i truly feel might be a huge positive in her eyes.....

 

all the while though i could be holding on to false hope.... but it's hard to believe that someone is that quickly finished with 5 years, engagement and the whole bit so fast. My lifeline to all of this is waiting till her best friend ditches her again or does something stupid again... Right now my ex has traded our connection for a reconnection with her best friend.. but he best friend is my brother gf.... she won't be able to hold up this always being there for that long as she has a family too.... She's the distraction from all this... and i know isn't the best influence for the situation.

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Our situations are vaguely similar, both in our ex's fear/reluctance and in our positions/attitudes. In fact it's only been truly RECENTLY where I've pretty much given up fighting against the current (you want to talk "stubborn"??). We also have a parallel regarding negative influence. My ex has a couple of those so you're in a slightly better position than I am. If your brother's girlfriend has a lot on her plate, maybe that'll limit her involvement? And yes I certainly get what you mean by holding on to false hope. But you're 100% right: there's NO WAY she could be completely over things in such a short time. Obviously there is plenty of denial and avoidance going on right now. At some point she's going to realize that. The impact you've had on her life in all those years will be felt. Hopefully that, along with the changes you're making, will help to steer her back your way. Good luck and I hope you have a nice holiday!

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so i've been reading quit a bit of posts so i figured i should just share my story

 

my ex boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half, and lived about a half hour from each other. He is 23 now and I am 24. started dating at 20 and 21. I could tell something was wrong toward the end (him not seeing me as much, being less affectionate, texting less and us arguing alot because of it) all the sure tell signs. So naturally I tried to hang on even more. We ended up breaking up the end of January- while I was at his house. He told me he didnt know what he wanted, he was bored, we fight too much blah blah

 

I did all the things you shouldnt after we split, ask him to see me, to get back together, text him just to talk to him. He started talking to a girl a week after we broke up. I flipped out on him told him that he couldnt have cared for me and done this, they stopped hanging out shortly after. A month after we saw each other for the first time at a funneral. we went to get coffee and catch up. since then we had talked every few days and started hanging out and hooking up again. We have been doing this for almost a year now. Everytime he would ask me to hang out I would even though my friends told me not to, but when I would ask him he would normally tell me he was busy or going to bed or some other excuse. So one weekend i turned him down and he begged me to come see him. I got fed up with the excuses so i stopped asking him to hang out and pretty much stopped texting him first. He started texting me every couple days even tho he wasnt saying a whole lot..

 

Then he just text me last week three days in a row the next day, friday, i saw another girl had checked him in online at a restaurant. I didnt say anything about it until he text me last monday that his phone was messed up over the weekend and thats why he didnt text me back (ok). I asked him how his date was. he said "if you want to call hanging out with a friend who has a kid and some other people a date, then i guess it was alright. so i dropped it. So the kicker- he text me saturday (5 mins after she checked them in on facebook) telling me that he wanted to tell me out of respect for me and he knows i will be p***ed but that he had met someone and wants to see how things go with her. that i know he will always care about me and hopes we can still be friends. i told him he could have at least called me telling me.. so he did. he told me that they have alot in common but it was hard on him and that if it was the other way around it would be hard on me too because we have history. I told him that if it was so hard on him that we would have been back together. Then i told him that i truly want to see him happy, that i hoped it was with me but that he finds what hes looking for. He told me that "we both know he doesnt know what he wants" he told me after i calm down that i can text him. i told him i wasnt going to interfer and that he could text me if he wanted

 

So now i havent talked him since about 5 days. my sooo busy ex has suddenly become not so busy since i see her check him in places on facebook now. I am determined not to text him this time. Im just not sure what else to do. I KNOW he still cares about me i just want him back, and back to the way he was in the beginning so full of life and attentitve.

 

im not even sure if this girl is a rebound? 11 months after we broke up but stayed in constant conact? i could never see him dating someone with a child. This is coming from the guy that has said multiple times that he doesnt want kids until at least 30. i guess im just hoping that NC will make him realize that he misses me and cares enough about me that he wants to get back together

Edited by jw1
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I had a huge break through in my personal journey last night/today.. now i hope it is not a short lived light but i feel as though i have direction. once again ill bring the story to date.

 

I have been in contact with her this week regarding arrangements to come and pack and so on.. as well as giving me the money she owes and the engagement ring..Most conversations have been very pleasant non invasive.. she is always the one to wish me a good day first... but i can tell she is still cold to the idea of reconciling. note it's been 30 days.. most of which ive been in agony trying to control myself

 

Fast forward to last night.. I decided to go out to a bar where a friend of mine host kareoke. Decided to go by myself because i don't need someone else to be happy was my mindset... Shortly after i got there i met a girl. We really connected... we sang. danced. talked. it was truly surreal. This encounter really made me look back at my relationship and see what "I" was missing.. all this time i've been worried about her that i didn't take alot of time to look for me. Being in a relationship with a person suffering from depression really weighs on the connection.. Anyways by the end of the night we slow danced together and kissed.. Once again i don't remember the last time i had a kiss like that.... I got her number and we've been talking..i know i'm not ready to get into another relationship and i made that clear to her but we both want to get to know one another.

 

So this morning I posted a picture of me and this girl on facebook. (note i deleted my ex a long time ago, also note she started sleeping with someone 2 days after) anyways i got alot of likes and comments which made things really positive.. Which bring us to this evening. I got on facebook and saw one of my exes post on a friends wall it read "every man should support his love, it's a beautiful thing to see". I know her FB habits and this was an obvious dig.. I became furious.. not upset but plain mad.. as i was her only support for so long.. I broke NC i called her. when she answered she sounded instantly mad.. oppposite to the way she has been all week with me. i said that if that was her intentions it was not cool. very immature.. she claimed it had nothing to do with me.. but also said she'd delete it(why would you delete it if it was innocent) she said i was looking to much into things.. i said no and that i'm done with this.. and that if thats what she did it was not cool.. she then told me she had to go an hung up...

 

10 minutes later she calls me... says sorry she hung up so fast someone she had to do something... i said "ok.. but why are you calling back everything that needed to be said was said" She then said "I'm sorry. and i'm sorry it hurt you" i said why would you be sorry for something you claim wasn't intentional.. she said well im just sorry it bothered you.... It really baffled me..

 

So this is just me looking from afar...I'm sure a mutual friend of ours saw the picture of me happy with another women.. not in a sexual way but in a happy way..told her... would explain her very irritated mood... and the possible reason to dig at me using hidden msgs... My reaction to it in a more i'm done this game kinda way has seem to sway the balance to me slightly.. for her call me only to apologize....wow...

 

Also after that she dropped off the money and engagement ring right away.

 

But the ultimate part to this story is that I think i am getting to the point where if she was to come back to me there would have to be a huge effort on her part to get better.. Even before i would consider it.. I have fought long and hard enough to be there for her. with little to no hope..

 

Today i feel great! and the first day in a very long time i feel in control of the situation and my life!

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I'm really lost right now.

My ex (Father of our 1.5 yr old son) moved out on Septrmber 19th..

10 days later I saw on his Facebook he was in a new relationship with a 18yr old.

 

Well my story is.. I live in Europe and my ex came from California in January to live with us.

We had a 1 year break in 2011 because he got out the Army and went home and before things didnt go well i had big mood swings during my pregnancy.

 

In December 2011 he wrote me after having LC for almost the whole year he still has feelings for me and wanna come to Germany to work on a new relationship.

I was very happy .. the first few weeks he was herr things went well but then arguements came up.. if things dont go my way I can be very mean ..

when I got really mad I kicked him out like 5 times and since he has a few friends here because I couldnt take the arguing anymore.

 

I was assuming he will sleep at their places but once or twice he had to stay the night outside.

while being together our relationship went good for a few days and then bad again.

and when i got mad he got mad also to show me how it feels and when i calmed down he told me one day i'm pissed the next day i wanna be his friend again. because of the relationship before (my ex ex cheated a lot and lied) i was always in the need to kinda observe him. read his facebook msgs and so on.

well he moved out in september because he said he cant take it anymore he loved me so much and i was mostly freaking out for no reason and he didnt feel very loved...

 

i was working 60 hrs/ week to provide, our son & my 7yr old daughter. and i was often very stressed from little sleep and when i was off we never really had time for us because of the kids.

 

so now he is dating this young girl which he met in august while he was kicked out and after he moved out she asked him to give her a chance.

he told me she is so nice and sweet.. of course what i havent been most of the time. and she doesnt argue.

i tol him they just met and he cant compare a 18 yr old to me (27yrs)

 

i think for about 5 weeks he told me how heatbroken he was, i treated him like ****, i got what i deserved, why i did him like that but really for weeks!! while he was already datin that girl. which he only met 2 or 3 times since they have their relationship.

 

i apologized soo often told him i want him back and another chance a few times. i guess it was too early.

he told me we dont match ( i said that all the time) and he only wanna talk about serious stuff in person.

right now he is living at a friends house about 3 hrs away and asked me if he can move back in with us in january because he will be playing in the national football team and said he can help me and watch our son so i can work again since i have no sitter now.

 

he also told me he can also stay at the players house if it would be a problem for me. but i shouldnt spread rumors because he thinks their relationship will end anyways when he moves in and i should let in end on its own..

 

from day one when we met he was wayy more into me than i was and we were engaged also after 6 mts of being together and it was his wish of having a child with me..

this last week he asked me every day if he can talk to our son on skype and it always ended that we were talking for hrs about random things since a 1 yr wont sit still..

 

i told him on wednesday i cant take it anymore i have to accept he dont want me anymore and hung up on skype. he kept on writing me how sorry he was for things he said (we will never work out etc) and he was just playing and he wanna talk to me and he dont wanna beg me like he used to and he wanna talk about serious stuff in person.

 

my question is should i let him move in ?? ( my friends think this girl is a typical rebound and he is just seeking for attention and wanna hurt me since he always says how bad i hurt him & he loved me soo much & they think things will get better once we will live together )

i mean facebook msgs wont solve anything and we dont really see each other since he lives a little far away now.

he is a person that needs attention to feel loved and i think this girl is giving that to him.

 

he once said if i expect him to come back and everything will be ok and it would lots of time to work on anything but he is afraid i will kick him out again once i get mad but i really won't..

 

i think he is not breaking up with her because he is scared when he gets back with me things will be the same.

but i have really really improved myself the last 2 months.

 

i am way more calm dont really get mad at all and if only a little. i would stop all that investigating and stalking to only find out he doesnt talk to any females anyways. will show him more love...

 

i know what i did wrong and really wanna prove him it will work out. i dont know how to convince him anymore and its impossible to have NC because we have a child together..

he is really a good man i mean he messed up some things too but a lot was really my fault for treating him like **** tho i really really love him i never felt that way for anyone in my life before. i just have a bad temper well used to

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I read the first 50 pages of this awesome thread then decided to post my story. Here goes:

 

I was happily married to my ex for 13 years. We have 2 awesome girls, 8 & 11. About a year ago, I was offered a chance to take a voluntary lay-off & receive a years salary. I talked it over w/ my wife & she said go for it. The plan was to take a month off & get back into the job market in Jan-12 (and then pocket the extra $). Well, a couple of weeks after I accepted the severance, I found out she was having an affair!! Apparently she was a bored housewife who lost her attraction to me. Mine is a classic tale of a gorgeous, spoiled woman who was put on a pedestal & given everything. She never had to work, we lived in a 7,000 sqft mansion on acreage, we took fabulous vacations and my net worth was over $1 million.

 

I was shocked & devastated. We had some arguments over petty stuff from time to time like all couples do, but never had any serious problems (that I was aware of). I tried to get her to go to counseling & figure out what was at the root of her (our) issues but she was not interested. She got an extremely good lawyer & I got an idiot. We had a nasty, contested divorce that ended up with her getting 60% of the $ and the girls & me getting the rest. She paid cash for another house (she had no income or credit, so payments weren't an option) & she has about $150k in the bank. She will have to find a job because she has expensive tastes. She hates the thought of working.

 

As for me, I was ordered to pay $60K/ year in child support and I STILL haven't found work in almost a year, wow.

 

Like many of the dumpee's here (yes, SHE filed for divorce) I made all the mistakes. I pined over her throughout the separation & divorce and I was a pathetic shell of who I used to be. I probably had PTSD! I lost my house, job, girls, fortune, and the love of my life in one fell swoop!! She accepted all my emotional support & help around her new house but we were simply friends. She showed no feelings for me at all.

 

Our divorce was final in April. I learned that she was seeing other men since our separation and even started a 2 month relationship immediately after the divorce was final. After that relationship ended, she started seeing her current BF for the last 4 months. He has 3 children from his previous marriage & lives an hour away. They see each other 1-2 days a week when I have the girls. My ex's Mom thinks her 4 month old relationship is doomed for failure as neither will be moving closer together (& her Mom wants us to get back together). I personally think that they guy is thrilled to have such a hot woman & is probably not in love with her (but what do I know).

 

I am just about to initiate serious NC (LC, I guess, because of the girls). I'm not entirely certain I really want her back unless she apologizes for everything, but I'm going to go into LC/NC. I tried LC from time to time & she has reached out to me for emotional support whenever something comes along (funny how the BF's aren't called upon to assist). I will say that she is good about NOT introducing the girls to any of her BFs. When she needs anything done around her house, she calls me (and like an idiot, I help out).

 

Well, a new day has dawned (finally). I need LC to heal. Although she is cold/ indifferent towards me emotionally, I think true LC will have an impact. We'll have to see. I'll be updating my progress. I've made half ass attempts at LC before & something ends up happening to pull me back into contact. I decided that since her current relationship has gone 4 months, she is going to have to get her new man to help from this point because I'm tired of being a doormat. I am close to finding work but at 1/2 the $ I used to make. I need to work on getting my mojo back. Once I am employed & regain confidence, etc. I hope to regain some attraction from my ex. I have had a few dates but nothing serious yet.

 

What say you experts? Any predictions? Any advice?

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I wish I saw this thread and have read the books about breakups earlier. My ex and I broke up last june 29, 2012 coz he has been lying to me. He has been denying our relationship from girls he has been chatting with on facebook. There was this girl from Italy who was his schoolmate in grade school from his old hometown whom he hasn't seen or been friends with until this year. They have been constantly exchanging messages early this year--nothing romantic--but they chat, text and the girl constantly called him. He didn't tell the girl that he was in a relationship with me. I tried not to get jealous but when I found a message that he is sort of implying that he wanted to be with her sometime in the future, I got hurt and confronted him. I asked what he told the girl about me but wouldn't tell me the truth. He said he told the girl I was his gf but I know he told her that I was just a friend...a close friend and our relationship wasn't clear and was just waiting for the right time. The girl was showering him with compliments and admiration--including gifts and sending him money which made me more doubtful about their "friendship".

 

I confronted them, he broke up with me coz he said I made the girl sad who has done nothing but help him. I got furious because I was his gf yet he got mad coz I made his friend sad? but he wasn't mad for making me sad? I just said ok. The following day we had a talk...maybe he was thinking I will give into his conditions again...I asked him some questions that will determine if we will be getting back together. But he said something that made me decide not to. We agreed to be friends and start fresh coz his mind was all about his anger for making the girl sad. He said he wasn't ready for a commitment and it's impossible for them to have a relationship since the girl lives far away. I stopped seeing him even when he was asking me to go out because I was hurting. I wanted my emotions to settle down but he insisted that we see each other. He didn't say if he wanted to get back together, he just wanted us to go out, but I stood my ground not to see him. 5 days after our breakup, he asked the girl to be his girl. they announced it on FB 2 days after. I was mad and confronted him. From that day on we had an on / off friend with benefits relationship. when I was moving on, he would come over and insist I wasn't fine. Stupid of me to allow it to continue even when I felt I should have disappeared to heal my heart. He said he didn't want things to change between us, but wouldn't let go of the girl. He said he needed her because she will be his ticket to Italy. And if it means he has to make her his girl, then he will. Not even a month in that relationship, they planned to marry to get him there. But he proposed that he wanted the marriage to be real coz he loves her and wanted to have a child with her. He showered her with all the sweet words and I love you's that he never did to me. He said I shouldn't believe those because those are just words. But how can I not? He chose to be with her. The girl finally came over early this month, they got together. On the first 2 night of being together, he messaged me and told me that he wasn't happy and realized that he was happy with me. Meaning he was totally in love with me and that his heart was breaking with the thoughts of me. I just replied thanks and that's sweet. He asked me what he should do...I told him that he is the only one to know what he wants...even if I wanted to tell him come back to me if you feel that way. But he didn't. The next time we communicated, I felt he has gone cold. He said he can't message or call because of the girl. Lately I found out that he pushed through with the marriage. The past months broke me down...i fell apart and had a difficult time getting up...sadly I wasn't able to know this sooner...it would've changed his decision. But now I hate him...I stayed as a friend hoping he'll see me for my worth...but I guess that gave him a push in pursuing his relationship with the girl since I am still around. I am trying to pick up myself together and move on...let go of him. But my angry self hates them and wish their marriage won't work out. But I know they will try to work it out because they don't believe in divorce or separation. I am confused whether he married her because he really loves her even if he was on a rebound. I wish I read these posts sooner.

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