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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
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Love4life,I don't know whether you believe in this reverse psychology, or are asking the question??

Personally I don't think a mature person is going to go on a rebound,see the ex walk away and then want to,need to see the ex.

I personally think it is absurd.If a relationship ends,generally it ends for a reason.

Maybe regrets can follow from the dumpers point of view,but to think a dumper needs to see his/her ex walk away from seeing them with their new other half,well I doubt it,a lot!.

Personally,I would ,as a dumpee,be so turned off my ex ,that they would probably have done me a favour,and set me free.

Playing games in the love stakes can be very dangerous,thread with care!

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Personally I don't think a mature person is going to go on a rebound,see the ex walk away and then want to,need to see the ex.
Couple of issues with that. Number one of them is that you used the word mature. Mature people don't go for rebounds. Mature people don't fal out of love with someone and wait until another comes along and then and only then move on.

I personally think it is absurd.If a relationship ends,generally it ends for a reason.
Well obviously, but that reason can be slight or can be big. It can be a good reason or it can be a bad one. What may split up one couple may not even register as a problem for another. reasons, like beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Maybe regrets can follow from the dumpers point of view,but to think a dumper needs to see his/her ex walk away from seeing them with their new other half,well I doubt it,a lot!.
I've seen it work too many times exactly that way for it not to be a coincidence.

Personally,I would ,as a dumpee,be so turned off my ex ,that they would probably have done me a favour,and set me free.
True it depends on the person and the situation and of course the length of the relationship and the emotion invested in it. A 15 yr olds summer romance is a world away from a ten year marriage and the emotions evoked.

Playing games in the love stakes can be very dangerous,thread with care!
Love requires treading with care full stop. It requires work to boot. In any case we play "games" to get someone in the first place, why not do the same to get them back, or more importantly get ourself back regardless in the process?
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Zorba,what can I say?!.

A lot of what I said was how I see it from my angle and to give you an idea of my thoughts on life.I am by no means saying it's the way to go,or it's the way we all should think.

It's my perspective.I have read and totally agree with your angle too,and see many of your points.

I suppose it depends on mood,circumstances at the given time.

After all how many emotions will you go through in a year,probably the vast majority.

I just hope most of the time,your mood is one of contentment,happiness and appreciation,and above all LOVE

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Hey buster,

It was merely me philosophizing, as per usual. I like coming up with my own theories and trying - oftentimes in vain - to back them up. It's an interesting theory, though, wouldn't you say? I also wrote that at a time when I was hoping against hope that my ex would come to this realization, so part of it was borne of wishful thinking. Well, 61 days of NC later, there are no signs that he will (or won't, for that matter - there's the beauty of NC!). So it's (maybe?) likely that my theory will be disproved in my own life.

 

But I'll actually defer to Zorba on responding to your first post, since I think he hit the nail on the head in response. Of course, every break-up and reconciliation (if one is to happen at all) is on a case-by-case basis.

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Hey buster,

It was merely me philosophizing, as per usual. I like coming up with my own theories and trying - oftentimes in vain - to back them up. It's an interesting theory, though, wouldn't you say? I also wrote that at a time when I was hoping against hope that my ex would come to this realization, so part of it was borne of wishful thinking. Well, 61 days of NC later, there are no signs that he will (or won't, for that matter - there's the beauty of NC!). So it's (maybe?) likely that my theory will be disproved in my own life.

 

But I'll actually defer to Zorba on responding to your first post, since I think he hit the nail on the head in response. Of course, every break-up and reconciliation (if one is to happen at all) is on a case-by-case basis.

 

Love4life, I think you are still hoping after 61 days NC, he will come back..No..If you want him to come back, you need to do LC and make ultimatom, and if that does not work..NC...

 

I started to believe in the strategy...like this

 

NC - 1-2 mos ; make them think about you!

LC- 4-6 weeks if things getting better and communicating well..then, make a case you cannot take it anymore unless something serious....go NC..

 

if they accept and come back...you got them...

 

I think people think that NC will bring them back..No! people are scare to make a contact and lower their self-esteem when they are making contact to EX...

 

LOVE requires persistance and wanting more and more...This is what I believe...

 

I think what ClarkM, Dreamguy and what I did last year..exactly shows me that theory works....

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Love4life, I think you are still hoping after 61 days NC, he will come back..No..If you want him to come back, you need to do LC and make ultimatom, and if that does not work..NC...

 

I started to believe in the strategy...like this

 

NC - 1-2 mos ; make them think about you!

LC- 4-6 weeks if things getting better and communicating well..then, make a case you cannot take it anymore unless something serious....go NC..

 

if they accept and come back...you got them...

 

I think people think that NC will bring them back..No! people are scare to make a contact and lower their self-esteem when they are making contact to EX...

 

LOVE requires persistance and wanting more and more...This is what I believe...

 

I think what ClarkM, Dreamguy and what I did last year..exactly shows me that theory works....

 

emalkoc,

Am I hoping he'll come back? Um, only if he's CHANGED. If he hasn't changed, then I know we'll never work. He does NOT want a commitment because he's afraid of intimacy. My contacting him will only make those fears resurface, I believe. He needs to work on himself and then figure out if he wants to be with me long-term.

 

I don't know Dreamguy's story, but I'm familiar with ClarkM's. From what ClarkM told me, his GF told him what he needed to change, so he's making efforts to make those changes, and I think that's GREAT! She broke up with him because she felt HE wasn't doing enough. The difference is that I was doing the work in my relationship and my ex wasn't. I TRIED to get him to open up to me, but he couldn't/wouldn't. He ran away from the relationship due to his own fears. He is the one who needs to make an effort to change and, in my opinion, contacting him will only end with me being hurt again. He will view that as a push to get back together (which of course it would be on some level), and he'll only resist even more.

 

I made efforts after the break-up and they only pushed him further away. The ball is in his court if he realizes the mistakes he's made. In the meantime, I'm moving on with my life. Occasionally, when I'm feeling down or lonely, yes, I miss him and maybe fantasize about him coming back, a changed man. But that's not the reality, and there's no sense in my trying to force that.

 

I've started dating again, because I do believe that it's time for me to put that relationship to rest and move on (hence the reason I'm not on the GBT forum very much anymore).

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I'm making great strides in changing and all is well but she still has her guard up to some degree which is normal. She still reverts back to the time when I was not giving and I tell her that was the past and should have no bearing on us right now. it'll take a little time I assume.

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I'm making great strides in changing and all is well but she still has her guard up to some degree which is normal. She still reverts back to the time when I was not giving and I tell her that was the past and should have no bearing on us right now. it'll take a little time I assume.

 

This is great, ClarkM! Could you send the link to your "success story"? I don't think I ever read the final outcome after you brought Mira by her house a few weeks ago.

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How do I get these games (in my book to stop) we were together yesterday at a school dinner for her little girl . Out of no where she says I miss you. I about dropped i miss her too so bad. My house is so empty without her and the kids there. She asked me to walk to the car afterward, hugs my arm on the way, kisses me hugs me cries and cries. I made sure i walked away first, but I dont hear from her last night or today so for what do i need to do. I have been keeping low contact(very) I am losing control of myself a little bit. i try to stay busy, but i miss the kids as much as her. I hurt so bad. I am very postive around her and very up beat but im wearing down. It just seems like if she misses me and loves me she would try and fix things. Granted I just seen her yesterday but I just don't understand.

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Let me start off by saying that this thread has been the best thing for me and my break up. I sit around feeling horrible and the only time i have any hope was when i read this thread. Thank you all for your input.

 

What do you all think of my situation?

 

I have been in a girl-girl relationship for 2.5 yrs. Before that we were best friends for 5. she was my world for the last 7 years, and i was absolutely devistated when she finally ended it. We had not been good for a couple months, and she said she needed her space, but i didnt give it to her. I ended up pushing her away by wanting to be with her more and always asking whats wrong. Bottom line, she said that it needed to end because she was not "in love" with me anymore, i became way too dependant (which was true!), and she didnt want to hide our relationship anymore (she was ready to come out, and i was not ready). She said she just wanted to be alone to find out what she wanted. You see, she has ALWAYS been in a relationship.....before me she was w/ another girl for 3 years, "fell out of love" with her, and moved straight to me. no alone time whatsoever. So, going into this i was skeptical because i was afraid she would do the same to be, but because i was her best friend i thought it would be different. But it wasnt.

 

so anyway, my biggest issues is that she told me she finally wanted to be alone to find herself, and i supported that eventhough it hurt, but of course she is now pursuiting somone else. on top of that, she is only 19 (my ex is 27), and she is like exactly like me when we first got together (young, naive, shy, innocent, etc). I'm sure she had feelings for this girl a long time ago and didnt want to hurt me so she fed me all this other jumble.

 

Anyway, i have gone LC for the last 2 weeks which is quite a shocker because i know she didnt expect it, but i have to spend this weekend w/ her because we have been planning something w/ her family for months. So, i want to go into this weekend and act as cool as possible, and then after that, if i still feel nothing, i am going to go complete NC, because i do not support what she is doing w/ this other girl at all. I am all about her finding who she is, but i knwo she is not going to do this w/ this other girl. AND, i cant tell her this as a friend because she will jstu think i am saying it as a crazy ex gf.

 

Any, thats pretty much it, but i have a lot more details if you are intersted...

 

Does anyone have any advice for me? She is my best friend and i want her back sooo bad, but i know i need to stay away. any encouraging words would be appreciated!

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hi again....can someone please help me? I am leaving in a few hours to spend the rest of the weekend with her as "friends" and I am just so nervous. I just want to act like the old me and be fun and joyful but I am just so afraid she is going to say or do something that will make me emotionally lose it. I know it is a really bad idea to go but I have to. any words of advice????

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Emily,

Why are you sticking to plans you'd made even though you're broken up and she's pursuing someone else? I feel like you're torturing yourself by doing this! If I were you, I wouldn't go. You want to be "the old you" but your hurt feelings are going to make that too difficult. Call her and say an emergency came up and you can't make it! Best for you to leave the picture so she can miss you. Don't let her have her cake and eat it, too! It's unfair to you.

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Well, I know that everyone told me not to go on this trip and spend the weekend w/ her and her family, but i did. And, I have to say that i am so glad i did, even though I am still uncertain what is going on, and yes, it might have made my hopes go up a bit, but itwas probably worth it.

 

At first when I saw her, she was not cold to me, but VERY stand-off-ish. During the 4 hour car ride, she hardly said anythign to me and just spent 90% of her time texting w/ this other girl. I was not happy, but not emotional....i actually think that this new relationship, whatever it is, is so stupid and if she wants to do that to herself, thats her choice...i can only sit back and watch the disaster happen lol.

 

Anyway, it took her a LONG time to act normal around me. We went to dinner, then back to the hotel room w/ her family, and just hung out there for the rest of the night. She finally started to "mess" w/ me like she used to, and we wrestled a little bit (WE ALWAYS did this, even as friends), and she seemed to be drawn towards me a bit...all along i was acting very cool and somewhat unintersted.

 

For the rest of the night we stayed up talking along w/ one other friend that came along. We downloaded music and listened to it, talked about old times, and watched TV. It was great. The next day was just as great, w/ her showing much more interst in me, although never passing the line of more than friends, and i was fine with that. All along though, she was texting w/ this other girl, although i could sense some tension and i think they were fighting.

 

So, when we got back home she dropped me off at my house and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner or something tonight. You see, we were supposed to get together as friends and talk last week, but she said she wasnt ready but would probably be able to this coming week. So, she asked and i said yes.

 

So here are my honest feelings: Yes, obvioiusly i still want more than friendship but i have absolutely no clue what she wants. maybe i will get more of a feel tonight. BUT, what was so weird and what i was not expecting is how great it made me feel just to hang out w/ her like old times. I didnt care at the time that we werent together, but for the first time in alomst a month, i was happy and i felt like myself again. i wasnt thinking about all the drama going on in my head, i didnt have the sick feeling in my stomach, and i was just enjoying myself. Is that so bad to want more from her but still want to hang out w/ her as friends? Is it going to kick me in the ass in the long run?

 

Also, i could use a pep talk before going to dinner w/ her tonight! Thanks in advance!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, I havnt undated in a while, but all my hopes and dreams have been shattered lol. After dinner the other night I went back into a confession on how I still love her and I am the best person for her, yada yada. While she wouldnt have a bit of it. We did have one good moment where I helped her out as a friend, but again, it was JUST AS A FRIEND. Anyway, I have now found out that she spent the whole weekend w/ this other girl and they are already (or at least the other girl) is already saying I love you! HOW CRAZY IS THAT! We have been broken up less than a month! Yes, they had been friends long before we broke up, but still! Anyway, it is just much like all the other stories here, and i am hoping that this follows the line that "the faster the rebound takes form, the faster it will fall".

 

But anyway, this may have been a wake up call for me to just suck it up and move on. I cannot try to be friends with her right now. So, I have written my NC letter. I dont think i have the courage to send it yet, but let me know what you all think....

 

Hi,

 

So, well I guess this is it. I have officially given up on trying to win you back, as I know this is what you want. I have finally realized that I will be better off without our relationship and without thinking about you all the time. I did everything in my power to get one more chance, and all it did was push you further away. Well, now I have to push myself away. The moment you let go should have been the moment I just let go. My biggest fear was that it was going to have to come to this, but I really don’t think that I can be “just friends” with you for quite a while. It is too hard for me to see you have no feelings towards me while I am still so in love. I have to break it off completely and let myself heal before I can even consider being friends with you again.

 

This decision is so much more hurtful for me than giving up on our relationship because I value your friendship more than anything in this world. But, I need to value myself and my feelings, because that has to come first. I pray everyday that I can get better so we can get back to the way we used to be, but, as you said, it is going to take time.

 

I know you said that you would never do anything to hurt me, but you did. I know you did not do it intentionally, but it still happened. And the fact that I was hurt like this from my best friend is going to make it very hard for me to trust anyone else for a long time. I wish I could be as strong as you and just move on and be thankful for the happy times we had, but I’m just not there yet.

 

So, I am going to try and get on with my own life and hopefully in a few months or so I will be able to hang out with you just like the old days. Trust me, I am going to try everything possible to speed up the process. But until then, I don’t think we should have contact unless you have a change of heart and seriously think you want to give “us” another shot. And of course, above all, if you are in need of your best friend, or just a friend to lean on, you know I will still be there for you. But I need some time to cope.

 

I sincerely wish you all the happiness in the world, and I hope you find what you are looking for in life. We both tried so hard to make it work, but in the end we were not happy. I truly hope that your future experiences are half as hard and makes you twice as happy. J Take care of yourself.

 

Love, Me

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Well, I am still sticking to this theory of the rebound but it is hard to keep faith lol.

 

My ex and her new "love" are already saying I love you (we have only been broken up 5 weeks), and I just found out that my ex bought an i love you necklace for her for xmas. For some reason that really hurt.

 

They are obviously moving very fast, and I know the theory is "the faster they jump in, the faster it will fail", but I just dont see it happening eventhough I think this relationship was definitly doomed from the beginning. I know how my ex works and she will pretty much keep this person around until it is a) unbearable or b) she finds someone else to move on to.

 

I keep telling myself that it doesnt matter and I need to stop snooping to find out these details, but i still cant help it lol. I always want to know what they are doing and if they are happy or fighting or what.

 

I know I need to just try to live my life and forget about her, but its hard sometimes. Any words of encouragement?

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I just wonder when that sunny day is? Cuz technically, you could say taht my relationship was a rebound because she took me immediately after her previous 3 yr relationship. The only difference was that we were best friends for 7 years, and it evolved.

 

As I said, I feel like I know my ex, and yeah, this relationship will eventually blow up, but I have a feeling it could be a year or two from now lol. Well, hopefully by then i will be healed lol

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  • 2 weeks later...

Background my ex and I broke-up in August aftet dating for two years, she started dating someone new a month and a half later. We had a horrible break-up and I have not talked to her since Sept. 1st.

 

OK so today I find out from a friend that my ex's new boyfriend who is/was long distance is moving here. I have completely mixed feelings about this. When it was long distance I thought well its hard to see the bad sides of the relationship, but now he is moving here, I guess I fear they are on the path to marriage...I suppose this is the thought that hurts. I mean it is all new and who knows how long until he proposes, she did use to push for that. So he may to keep her happy. I don't know I suppose I wanted those things with her but in due time....sometimes I think I dodged a bullet but today I really miss her. I want to talk to her but there is no real point so I won't. Maybe with him moving here she will see that not everything is perfect in a relationship and I know this is wrong I hope it fails. I know your supposed to wish your ex happiness but I am still trying to move on.

 

I am doing all the things you are supposed to as well, gym, going out, meeting new people but I think its easier for her since she just started MBA school, so tons of new friends there and the new boyfriend is in the picture and moving here. I guess its full steam ahead to moving on for her and it hurts to lose someone like that. Its all new so tons of distractions so while I am doing the things I am supposed to my life is still essentially the same](*,)

 

Just venting I suppose....

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