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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
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Do not sent out that letter nor explain her how you feel right now in this stadium! i've been there... i did the same. I summed up our memories and told her how I was looking at the situation. This will not help and she brought the friendszone thingy up instead! I pushed her into the arms of someone else and now it is even harder to get her back. We try to convince them with logical conversations as they are emotional creatures and make alot of decisions based on emotions. Right now she is confused and she does not want to rush things. Wait until the storm is gone and only then reach out. First get some No contact or Low contact (in case you are friends like you said). But do not reach out to her and let her do the work for the time being. Do not make long conversations with her and try to be vague and mysterious. I know you feel like you should make this move because you love her so much and I did the same.... I now regret it and it was a wrong move. They left you for a reason and you need to work on it and evolve. You apologized once and leave it at that, be patient and if she still has feelings for you then she will reach out for you. Do not panic and do not open your heart right away as this will only push her away because the time just aint right.

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I am amazed how this has just turned my way. I'm in the humblest position now as being the dumpee.

Credits to Zorba and vortex

 

Can you explain your situation and what did help for you and turned the tables? just curious about those stories and a little explenation would help others.

Thanks in advance for your time.

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Yeh just be honest and friendly. Keep the txt short and say you didnt mean to interfere, you were not the one reaching out and just a short apology. Leave it for the time being. Else it will only push her away as people do not like that others "especially mom - daughter" make decisions for them and they will take the other decision instead.

 

Well, I did reply. But I just said, "I'm not". I don't know if that was the best thing to do, but I wanted to make it short and precise.

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Well, I did reply. But I just said, "I'm not". I don't know if that was the best thing to do, but I wanted to make it short and precise.

 

Well thats really short but do not send anything extra for now. Just let it go now and see what happens. Let her be the one to reach out now as it will only push her away. Just pretend like you are moving on and pretend like you accepted the situation.

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The problem is, Face, that I feel I may not have shown any effort in getting back with her. I'm stuck in limbo of whether she wants/wanted me to fight for her. I know that if I would have kissed her the last time we hung out, she probably would have let me. I know she loves me and I know she cares, but I don't want her to think that I don't care or love her either because actually I'm crazy about her. We've already arranged that we're going to hang out again in a few days, so I've got until then to figure out what I'm going to do. I think the problem is, she may be sexually excited by this new rebound guy, and she still thinks I have the same problems I used to. So, when we're on the walk, I'm going to try to be very smooth with whatever I say (trust ma, if I'm confident I can be) and I need to let her see how my persona has improved. As for the feelings, I may just see how everything plays out. I'll save the romantic stuff unless I think that the moment's right.

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well you did some of the stuff but on the other hand you stay near her.... so in a way she can eat both cakes and she takes you for granted. I know you want to follow your heart but you should act the opposite way. And you never have a 100% gaurantee you will get her back. Besides when plan A does not work will not say plan B would have worked. You are over analyzing to much as i did which will only make you crazy. I know you love her, just like i do love my ex gf and i drove her into the arms of this new guy also. In fact they are even living together within 1 month. I kept contact and that was my problem also, well i don't say i would have got her back otherwise but i still learned my lesson. I do hope you get her back whatever you decide you should do. If you really get signals when you are with her then you should take a shot,... if you don't try then you will never know. I know it is hard and you could panic about pushing her away for good but you will have a 100% Yes or No i guess...

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Yes, because not knowing, or knowing that I have never tried will fill my mind with regrets. Like I said, I already tried the no friends thing that Zorba suggested, and while that did get her to finally tell me why she broke up with me, that may have backfired and seemed cruel. I told her we should be friends a few days afterwards, and that we should go on a walk to explain how I'm feeling. Like I said, I never did anything to try and chase her, and I know from the relationship that she did like being chased. I'll see how it goes. I probably won't give her the letter and collage unless the time feels right. At least, if I get completely rejected, I will try to find out if the rebound is still in the picture or not. If he is, then I will completely back off and let her have her fun, while I go out and have fun myself too. Maybe something will happen down the road, because the rebound is going hours away to college in a few months. I just hope that our compatibility drives us back together in the future, and that she sees that the "phase" I went through was just that. A phase.

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I know but you will have regrets with any of the options. if options A fails then it would not say options b would have worked. You are assuming being no friends backfired on you but you can't say that for sure, it is only over analysing what we do... we tend to do that in a negative way after a breakup anyway.

I am in that position already, my ex gf is with this guy and i don't know if it is a rebound or not. He lives in the same city and within 1 month they life together.... My city is 40 minutes driving so that was no problem for me but probably for her. I also hope that one day will be a day which drives us back together also, but i cannot close my heart for ever for other girls because that would be a waste of time. Don't take me wrong because i do really love her but it takes 2 to tango and if she is not reaching out like i do then i have to make my conclusion.

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I think the main reason for us to go NC is not for our ex, but more for ourselves. Unconsciously, we will let go. Even if it takes a year, or 5 years, or 10 years. I think it is for us. Not contacting our ex's prevents us from dwelling on the past. Hell, I made so many mistakes when I was in the relationship with the ex, I cant even look myself in the mirror. NC gives me the chance to not think about her too much, and focus on improving me. Myself. Work on the flaws that we have that caused the relationship to crumble in the first place. I think it will take a long time before any change is permanent. That is wh we have to stay away from our ex's. The more we hang around, the more we remind them of why they left us in the first place. I've learnt this the hard way.

 

If God, or fate, or the universe wills it, we will eventually find a way back into their hearts again. Let's stay strong!

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The more we hang around, the more we remind them of why they left us in the first place. I've learnt this the hard way.

 

To be honest, NC is for more than this. For me, in any case, the problem was arguing - and when we were not arguing, my ex and I got along GREAT. We made each other laugh, were comfortable with each other, etc. So you could argue (given the quotation) that staying in his life would remind him what he's missing...

 

NC for me is about improving myself and concentrating on myself rather than on the constant anxiety that being around my ex would entail. We thought about being friends and doing things occasionally, but honestly, it's waaay better for me in the long run not to have any contact at all (for now).

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To be honest, NC is for more than this. For me, in any case, the problem was arguing - and when we were not arguing, my ex and I got along GREAT. We made each other laugh, were comfortable with each other, etc. So you could argue (given the quotation) that staying in his life would remind him what he's missing...

 

NC for me is about improving myself and concentrating on myself rather than on the constant anxiety that being around my ex would entail. We thought about being friends and doing things occasionally, but honestly, it's waaay better for me in the long run not to have any contact at all (for now).

 

I'm with you on this one, friend. There are the bad moments, where we argue and fight and just want to claw each other's faces out, but the majority of the time was GREAT. I would definitely want to build upon those good times and special moments, but right now, she's gone, in the arms of another, and I can't do scat about that. What I can do is something for myself. Do nothing, and do something. Leave the ex alone, and improve myself. Be a better person. Who knows what the future might bring? The new, attractive, you might attract the love of your life. That person might, or might not be your ex. But hey! There are so many possibilities!

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It's so terrible to think that the whole relationship is nothing to her right now either. It's been over a month but I still don't know what to do. You make a lot of sense with your option a option b comment, Face. I appreciate that.

 

My ex and I have great chemistry. Since day one, we really were on the same page with how we were feeling. We even updated a facebook status about each other two days before we went out, not 20 seconds apart from each other, without knowing what each other were posting. I'm honestly afraid -- and I've done this before -- that I'll compare my relationship with her to relationships I will have in the future. It's a mistake and more of a personal problem, but I don't know if I can really fix that -- it's the way my mind works. With her, I forgot my past relationships and had fun. I had so much fun with her that I fell head-over-heels in love with her over the year+ we were together. Like I said, I went through some phase which was unfortunate, because it pushed her away from me, right into the arms of another guy. She plays this whole game well, because she has a close-knit group of girlfriends that keep things a secret, even about her rebound, so that I'm left completely in the dark. Today, I saw the rebound guy at the gym, when I was trying to get away from it all. Funny in a twisted way, huh? Him and I were friends, but the way he was looking at me let me know that he was definitely still in the picture. I've realized today that my ex and I probably won't get back together, and if we do it'll take a long time. All we can do is hope that he isn't more compatible with her than I am. I really don't know if he is, to be honest. I've never seen her and him interact.

 

I'm afraid I won't find anything like her ever again. That there won't be someone with amazing chemistry that I was absolutely 100% sure I wanted to date from the very beginning of us hooking up. Maybe I'm wrong, but I've had a few long-term relationships with others that I honestly did have doubts over before I went out with them. I'm afraid that I'll have committment issues like I did with the relationship before her, because my first long-term relationship screwed me over, but not even this badly. Yeah, I could date around and supress my feelings, but who the hell wants that?

 

I know people may say, "if it doesn't happen then it isn't meant to be." but honestly I think that that's not true, because like I said I don't buy into that stuff. She was a prize that I may still be able to get if I choose my actions carefully and I wish I could rewind time so that I could still be with her, or at least make things better than they are now.

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I know exactly how you feel. Mine said that she thought I had moved on too, wondering why I didn't fight for her, when I actually still wanted to work things out, and I had other more important things to focus on, like my examinations. She thought I let her go too easily. Man, I wish I did something, but it's too late now. She's with someone else now. Someone who preyed on her emotional instability and naïveté. Thinking of him just makes me sick to the gut.

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@ Pleasedonot5

 

Well my ex gf also knew she hurt me and i pursued her because I first said "Our roads split here then" and then she said to me "do not split our roads because else our roads will never cross again" and said "Maybe you should follow your feelings?".

 

It drove me nuts man,... she breaks up with me and then she is saying those things? so harsh and now i ended up with nothing but experience and she is with someone else. She what i mean with option A and B. You took option A and failed and i took option B and failed. I did not plead nor begged but i showed her that i still loved her and we could work things out but in the end i think i only stroke her ego and she moved on because i helped her healing. If you take A there healing takes longer and thus they blame you with things because they are hurt also... in the end it is only possible if both people want to put effort in it and the chemistry is right,.. it takes 2 to tango and i think you need a longer period of No contact if you want to take a shot in the long haul to be together again. The emotional storm needs to go away first, both people need to evolve and see what went wrong in the relationship or else it will breakup again because of the same issues....

 

Well I dont know what the future holds but I will sure reach out 1 more time to test the waters and to see if it is a rebound or not,... else I will continue No Contact and maybe we can be friends in the future but I can't predict the future....

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Hi Face

Hope you are doing well.

I think having the intention of reaching out - at some point - is unhelpful.

I was like that also but soon realised that it was a huge negative. Try and get to the point where you will never contact unless she reaches out. It's hard to swallow but necessary IMO.

 

The other thing that helped me no end was isolating mutual friends - especially on fakebook.

I came on leaps and bounds after I shut that thing down. I was indirectly connected to her through that and it held me back.

 

At some point in the future I might be back ob FB and I might be friends with the ex = but I have no plans to do so and I'm happy about that!

 

SB

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What if, during my relationship with the ex, whenever we argued, she was the one who tried to pursue and solve the matter there and then, while I was the one who wanted to cool down and sort myself out? This always led to misunderstandings between the 2 of us, as she would think that I was giving her the cold shoulder. Wouldn't NC just reinforce her negative perception of me? This miscommunication was one of the reasons why she dumped me.

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What if, during my relationship with the ex, whenever we argued, she was the one who tried to pursue and solve the matter there and then, while I was the one who wanted to cool down and sort myself out? This always led to misunderstandings between the 2 of us, as she would think that I was giving her the cold shoulder. Wouldn't NC just reinforce her negative perception of me? This miscommunication was one of the reasons why she dumped me.

 

 

That is why I am a big believer in the "final letter" prior to NC. That one time where you can say the things you must never say again. To make sure that your intentions are CLEARLY understood as are your feelings and how you will try and improve in the future, acknowledging past mistakes.

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That is why I am a big believer in the "final letter" prior to NC. That one time where you can say the things you must never say again. To make sure that your intentions are CLEARLY understood as are your feelings and how you will try and improve in the future, acknowledging past mistakes.

 

Well, I think I have already told her the things that you just mentioned. However, I made a total 180 degree turn a few times when my emotions were totally out of control, and also under pressure from her mum and a few friends of mine. Now, the last conversation that I had with her was via text and it said that we could be friends, but not now, as I need to rediscover myself and be my own man again. She just said ok. Was this a mistake? Why is it so hard to be totally cool headed whenever I'm talking to her? This was the text before she sent me the one about entertaining her mum etc.

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Why is it so hard to be totally cool headed whenever I'm talking to her?

 

I guess that this is the point of NC..... to remove the emotional attachment.

Many people believe that there can be no chance of reconciliation until that happens.

 

I too held out hopes that I could one day be friends. If you want my advice: don't hold that hope. Cast it aside and develop the mindset of never going back. When you eventually move on things will be clear and if you develop a friendship by chance fair enough, but to hold out for that will only hold you back.

 

SB

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@Streetbob

 

Honestly, I do not want her as a friend. How could I be friends with someone who so viciously toyed with my heart and ripped it out when I was at my lowest? I feel betrayed, like I've misplaced my trust in someone I thought I knew. 3 years, all for naught.

 

Even though I have immense feelings of anger and hatred for what she did to me, a tiny part of me wants her back. This part of me is clinging on to the hope that one day, she would come back to me. I'm not looking back though. I'm trying to keep walking and move on. I am, slowly, but it's hard as hell.

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Yeah, I want to show her that I will fight for her, so I will tell her my true feelings even though I almost know it won't work, and then I'll go into NC or LC after it probably doesn't work. Me telling her my feelings would get the point accross that I want her back and don't want to move on (because that's what she thinks I want), so I'm making my intentions clear. I know everyone advises against this thought but honestly this girl and I are, or at least were more compatible than anyone I've met in my entire life, and I would want her to come back in the future. I know I'm young, but what we had was real and we were crazy for each other. Everything changed when this guy walked into the picture. That reminds me to ask, is it considered a rebound if she leaves you for someone else?

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That is a good question. We will never know. Only time will tell. It's a waiting game for me now but if you want to try what I think you're about to do, do it just once. Do not be like me. I did it one time too many. Then, just try to go NC. At least 6 months. Rebounds don't usually last, and occur within a few weeks or maybe a month or so after the conclusion of a long term relationship. But if you stay in the picture, chances are that you'll probably push your ex further into the arms of the new guy. I tried LC at first, and it didn't work.

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That is a good question. We will never know. Only time will tell. It's a waiting game for me now but if you want to try what I think you're about to do, do it just once. Do not be like me. I did it one time too many. Then, just try to go NC. At least 6 months. Rebounds don't usually last, and occur within a few weeks or maybe a month or so after the conclusion of a long term relationship. But if you stay in the picture, chances are that you'll probably push your ex further into the arms of the new guy. I tried LC at first, and it didn't work.

 

Very true! Think in terms of 6 month blocks for people to change their mindset......But really, would you want them back after this length of time? Is it reasonable to blindly love somebody so much that you would chance your arm again after this time??

 

In the early stages - first few months of NC - all you can think about is winning them back. One day you will wake up, maybe after a bit of dating and suddenly - You just don't want them back anymore.

 

SB

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