Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[need2bme]

The quicker the relationship starts after the ex, the quicker the I love you's start, the quicker you hear he/she's the one and the quicker the ex leaves the picture the quicker it goes bad.

 

This is exactly what happened to me and I was the rebound. It is a shame it didn't work, because I thought we were really good together.

 

Even after all that and even if the rebound doesn't work that certainly doesn't mean the person goes back to the ex either.

 

I hope she doesn't, because I don't want her to get hurt again.

 

Zorba: That post fits what happened to me almost to a t. Man, I have never been a rebound before.

[redsuede]

Basically she will only come back if the original reason for her leaving changes,

 

 

I like this one.. Thanks Zorba

[micro]

Guys, I have noticed something very interesting. My ex goes with her new bf (whom she started dating one month after we broke up) to exactly same places where we used to go. They do same things for fun that we used to do. They walk together the same routes as we used to…

 

It looks like that she has cloned our relationship to this new, which she has with new bf.

 

What is your opinion about that?

[dreamguy]

Guys, I have noticed something very interesting. My ex goes with her new bf (whom she started dating one month after we broke up) to exactly same places where we used to go. They do same things for fun that we used to do. They walk together the same routes as we used to…

 

It looks like that she has cloned our relationship to this new, which she has with new bf.

 

What is your opinion about that?

 

She's gonna end up dumping him too

[Zorba]

Would you want her back though? I got to thinking that even if my ex called, which she won't, she had already left and said she did not love me. So, she finds out she is wrong and really DOES love me.

 

Uh uh. Anyway...just food for thought.

No it's a very good point. I think it does depend on how much time you spend apart and how much growth there is. If I think back on the two women in my life where there was real love involved, I would say that if something happened where it did spark off again, I wouldn't (and I'm sure they wouldn't) begrudge them the split. It obviousy happened for a reason and if that reason no longer existed, then play on. I also would not begrudge them if they had found other people during the split. If it brought them some happiness and fun, then again I would be happy for them. Again I would suspect the same of them concerning me.

 

As I wrote in my post above:

They forgive themselves and each other for the failure of the old relationship.

I should have also included they accept what happened when they were apart.

 

Zorba: That post fits what happened to me almost to a t. Man, I have never been a rebound before.

.... and for my next trick I'll saw a woman in half... Joking aside it isn't rocket science when you look at the dynamics of most of this stuff and it's easy to spot from the outside or in hindsight, but it's not so easy when you're caught up in the middle of it all. Not easy at all. I've never been a rebound(that I know of), but that was more luck than judgement on my part in the past. Nowadays, I would watch for the signs more. Overly fast attachment, ex longterm relationship too fresh(less than 2 months), Feeling like I'm in a long term relationship 2 months in. If the ex is still in her life and she is in a lot of contact with him then that would be a big red flag too.

 

Guys, I have noticed something very interesting. My ex goes with her new bf (whom she started dating one month after we broke up) to exactly same places where we used to go. They do same things for fun that we used to do. They walk together the same routes as we used to…

Unless where you live is really really dull and there only three places to go......

It looks like that she has cloned our relationship to this new, which she has with new bf.

 

What is your opinion about that?

Not good for the new guy at all. Poor sap doesn't know it, but yea I would say she's in the cloning business alright. Chances are high history will repeat itself. She probably doesn't see it herself. It's amazing to me sometimes how people don't see the obvious. Lack of self awareness in someone is not a good character trait.

[micro]

Not good for the new guy at all. Poor sap doesn't know it, but yea I would say she's in the cloning business alright. Chances are high history will repeat itself. She probably doesn't see it herself. It's amazing to me sometimes how people don't see the obvious. Lack of self awareness in someone is not a good character trait.

 

Zorba,

 

Do you mean that she has relationship pattern that she implements in each relationship, or does this mean that she misses things she used to do with me at places we used to spend time and thereforeeee she now does exactly same things, but with new guy?

 

Is this the sign that she has jumped in to the relationship phase with new bf when she starts to miss our relationship?

[dreamguy]

I know that I would never go with a new person to the same places I visited with my ex. Not before a good amount of time has elapsed. It would simply make me feel uncomfortable and it wouldn't be fair to the other person.

 

Your ex FEELS that she needs to move on, and she THINKS she has the potential to do so. She may be re-visiting the same places with the new guy because she thinks she needs to erase/replace the memories in order to successfully alleviate her guilt and/or get rid of her sadness.

 

Whether or not she will succeed remains to be seen. Only time will tell.

 

This advice has been given a million times on the forum but it's still the best advice one can give to a person whose ex is with someone new:

Do not wait around for her. Work on yourself to be a better person. That way, if she comes back, you'll have better chances at keeping her and if she doesn't you would have hopefully reached a stage where you don't care that much anymore.

[Zorba]

 

Do you mean that she has relationship pattern that she implements in each relationship, or does this mean that she misses things she used to do with me at places we used to spend time and thereforeeee she now does exactly same things, but with new guy?

Could be both at the same time but I would say it's the former rather than the latter. What Dreamguy wrote sums what should be your response up though.

[bummedout4]

When an ex goes for a guy that is totally different than the dumpee, me, in this example. Does that mean that they are trying to see what else is out there, to see if the dumpee was the type of person they really want to be with? My ex is seeing a guy that is a smoker, which she doesnt like, cocky and just looks like a total * * * * * * *. I have heard this from many other people so its not just my opinion. Do you think she will realize eventually that this guy isn't her type or can a person change what they think is their type so quickly? I know there is no real answer, since only she knows whats goin through her head but anyone have any thoughts? I consider myself a nice guy, that is easy going, always wanted to do what she wanted and please her. Is that so bad? I am still confused on why she looked at me and decided she didn't want me anymore. Well thanks for any opinions.

[need2bme]

bummedout4: I think the ex's can totally go after someone totally different in every manner. In fact, it is probably what attracts them.

 

I know I am 180 degrees different than my ex's ex, but she will probably return to him, because they have history. All I can hope, is if that is where God wants her to be, then some of the type of relationship we started (with the gentleness, closeness and intimacy) can be brought into their relationship.

 

I will let you in on a secret though, even though we had really good times, I still need to clean up my backyard, before inviting anyone else over.

[dreamguy]

I consider myself a nice guy, that is easy going, always wanted to do what she wanted and please her. Is that so bad? I am still confused on why she looked at me and decided she didn't want me anymore. Well thanks for any opinions.

 

Sorry to bring it to you but yes it's bad.

You say you "always" did what she wanted. That's not what a woman wants in a man (or what a man wants in a woman for that matter).

 

Granted, she wants a man who respects her, takes her needs and wants into consideration but, at the same time, comes up with his own decisions, has his own beliefs and sometimes says "No" when he truly disagrees on something.

 

I don't know all the details about your story but that aspect of your character must have certainly played a big part in making her want to seek another relationship.

[wastingaway]

I am right in the middle of a situation where my ex just left. She see me out and we talk. She tells me how much she loves me and how much she misses me all that stuff. I miss her so much and I love her so much I miss her kids so much. I saw them this morning (the children) they mouthed the words I love you through the school bus window. I have had them for four yrs. I am fairly contained person. and I lost it emotionally as they pulled away. I love her and those kids more than anything in the world. I believe N/C might help but what am i supposed to do about the kids. I love them so much. Im so lost.

[Up and Down]

=

 

IThey do contact each other or even remain in LC throughout(usually upsetting the respective rebounds).

 

Wouldn't it be better to leave the ex and the rebound alone so that they can have their own relationship without you interfering and potentially pushing the ex further into the rebounds arms?

 

Seems like as an ex its better to disappear rather than be the emotional support for your ex so she has the long term attachment and the new fling going at once, longterm attachment from you and the newness and physical from the rebound. Thereby fulfilling all of her emotional and physical needs. Rather you should let the rebound handle all of this instead.

[vertex]

I think that only applies if you're there for her constantly, as in you're there to listen to her cry about her feelings and emotions and all the stress going on in her life. LC isn't full contact. It's limited contact. You won't always be there for her is the point (in fact, I'd probably avoid talking about any topics having to do with her boyfriend/relationships in general), so she's forced to go to the rebound for emotional support. He's picking up all the slack while you're still in the background being friendly.

[Up and Down]

I think that only applies if you're there for her constantly, as in you're there to listen to her cry about her feelings and emotions and all the stress going on in her life. LC isn't full contact. It's limited contact. You won't always be there for her is the point (in fact, I'd probably avoid talking about any topics having to do with her boyfriend/relationships in general), so she's forced to go to the rebound for emotional support. He's picking up all the slack while you're still in the background being friendly.

 

On the one hand I see your point, but on the other woudn't it reinforce that you are on the back burner in case things don't work out with the rebound?

[ClarkM]

No back burner you have to leave the picture completely. I agree with your post also up and down. The person needs to move on. Who in there right mind would want to stick around through a rebound process. I left my ex alone to do whatever with this new guy and it didn't work out for them and she contacted me and this was almost 4 weeks ago and we are happy as ever. She dated him for 6 weeks.

 

If I didn't leave the picture I don't think she would of came back. There would of been no period for her to see what life is w/o me and I think that is the #1 thing for an ex to come back if it was not an abusive releationship.

[vertex]

Remember, she let go of your old relationship the moment she broke up with you. She may still have residual feelings and emotions left for you, but they aren't strong enough for her to want to stay. The period immediately after the break-up, you go into NC to sort out all your thoughts, all your feelings, to analyze your situation. And, like her, you have to let go of that old relationship too.

 

You're single now. You work on improving yourself (self-esteem, self-confidence, etc.), flirt with all the women you want, date, exercise, find an amazing job, go out with your friends, watch TV as long as you want, play video games as much as you want... you're free to do whatever you damn well feel like now. There are no restrictions. You do all this for you and nobody else. All the changes you've made just happen to be attractive to others.

 

So here's the kicker... are you really on the back-burner if you've moved on? You're showing her that life for you goes on with or without her. It's unfortunate (for her) that she can't be part of it. And if you do get back together, it's not to the old relationship anyway... as Zorba says, it's a "new relationship, that just happens to have the two of you in it."

[Zorba]

Wouldn't it be better to leave the ex and the rebound alone so that they can have their own relationship without you interfering and potentially pushing the ex further into the rebounds arms?

 

Seems like as an ex its better to disappear rather than be the emotional support for your ex so she has the long term attachment and the new fling going at once, longterm attachment from you and the newness and physical from the rebound. Thereby fulfilling all of her emotional and physical needs. Rather you should let the rebound handle all of this instead.

What I said on the first page of this thread covers it completely.

Trust me, I've learned this over the years seeing it on others and advising others the right way to go about it. I've gotten every ex of mine back that I wanted back, by doing it. I've also learned it from very hard and bitter experience when I didn't do this. That's how I know.

 

I've seen an ex of mine that I really thought was the one(hence my brains flew out my ears...), go from confused and panicky, over a problem we were having at the time. Every day couple stuff. For the first time she was looking at someone else. She did very little about it, but needed time to clear her head. She still loved me very deeply(including sexually)and she was deeply unsure about the rebound guy she barely knew. Fast forward and she's in love with the rebound guy and hoping to spend the rest of her life with him. She's still in contact with me(a lot) and misses me, indeed loves me very much, but not in the sexual/romantic "I want a future with you anymore" way.

 

Why? Because I didn't follow my own advice and look after me and what I wantedas well as her needs. Mostly my fault. Dumb dumb move, that I will never do again. For anyone. I trusted in her ability to make up her mind(when she was going through a hard time with other stuff. Not an excuse but relevant all the same) while all the time helping her to do it to my cost, all in the interests of truly loving and supporting her. All the while I was making her confusion less and actually friendzoning myself and pushing her into this guys arms. Bear in mind that this woman still will describe me as "the love of her life", her "soulmate" and her "first love". It didn't matter.

 

Sadly I forgot about myself and didn't heed my own good advice. Indeed advice I actually gave to a friend of mine going through the exact same thing at the same time.

 

Ironically I found this very site, not because of my problems, but I was actually looking for advice for this friend of mine in case I was screwing up his chance with my advice. Google led me to here. Turns out I wasn't far wrong when I read the stuff the clever types around here were writing. Still did I apply it to myself. Nope. Let's play spot the idiot.

 

End result? He got his girlfriend back, with my help and his consistency and work with following what I told him. I haven't, because I didn't. Colour me dumb. The irony is flying all over the place here.

 

Yet objectively from the outside, my friend and his girlfriend were/are not particularly good together and had far far less of a chance, when compared to what I had with my ex. This is not wishful thinking either, as even with time(even my ex agrees!), it still was a very very good relationship, better than most and just hit a bump. A bump that if I had handled it the way I advise around here, would have passed. Objectively from the outside my ex and her rebound have emotional compatibility issues that neither will see until much later and the hormones die down and I know it'll end badly for one of them. Believe it or not I love and have loved her enough to hope I'm wrong. Sadly my talent in spotting this stuff is too well honed and I fear I will be right.

 

I'm moving on and have largely moved on as the only way I would get that woman back is if the rebound dumps her, in a similar way to how SuperDave got his ex back. I left all of this good stuff too late. Knowing my ex that's not likely to happen as she usually tends to stick to her decisions(which is one of the reasons why I liked her) and the rebound guy is batting way out of his league, so he's not going to let this one go, no matter how dumb he might be. Yours truly, dumbo here helped him to do it.

 

So take my advice and the advice of the guru types around here and run with it, it will work better for you if you do. If it doesn't work out, well then at least you won't have been the architect of your own downfall. I've seen and been in enough relationships to know the signs better than most. I can even pretty accurately tell if a relationship will last within an hour of meeting a couple. I can even put a time frame on it. Give me some of the background and I'll even tell you problem(s) will split them up. I can see it as if I was reading a book. I kid you not. Looking back I can only remember being very wrong twice and a little wrong a few times. With the few times, they still split, it just took longer. I've always been able to do it and with time I just got better at it. This isn't ego either, as it's a right royal pain to live with sometimes, I can tell you. I've seen male and female friends of mine so in love and I could see the loss ahead. I have thankfully gotten better at switching it off though.

 

When I came here first, I saw a lot of people in the same position and I saw a lot of good advice that I learned from and added to my own experience. It helped my good friend to get his love back and that's enough for me, even if I missed the boat with my own thing. I stuck my oar in to try and help where I could. I hope I have and if I have that's good enough for me too. It's very flattering namechecked in other posts too.

 

Bloody hell! that was a bit cathartic on a Friday afternoon.

[Up and Down]

Its funny how sometimes we can give the best advice to our friends but can't do whats right for us. I have been there done that and burned myself, lesson learned and am moving on.

[Zorba]

The trick is to learn the lesson alright. Hopefully I have, but knowing me my heart will lead my head if I fall in love again. I'll be letter perfect if I just like her. DOH!

[dreamguy]

No back burner you have to leave the picture completely.

If I didn't leave the picture I don't think she would of came back.

 

Neither do I. I don't believe my ex would have thought it over and returned if I had not left the picture for good after sending my last email.

 

She has been the one doing ALL the contacting for the last week. She texts and calls every day. This is the same person who was totally absent from my life for the last 5 months.

Back then, she ignored most texts I sent her way. She used to say she didn't want to give me hope !

 

I'm glad I didn't throw the blame on her. I'm also glad I stopped saying that I love her / miss her, I never asked if she was seeing someone else and I never mentioned getting back together except in my last email because I was ready to move on if she didn't want to.

 

I have rarely heard of dumpers coming back while the dumpee is still chasing them like crazy.

[raq68]

Vertex, you maybe the clone of my situation. My ex was very needy. We were together for 2 and a half years. The whole summer leading up to this break-up she would always beg me to be with her and stay long periods of time with her. This was the summer leading up to college. I thought we had a good strong relationship.

Holy crap was i wrong. After 2 weeks of college, i was outta there. Not in a good way either. but it wasn't really awful. The day it all happened i went up to her college, and i offered to take her out to dinner. She was acting kind of funny, but she accepted. So we go off to the olive garden and have a pretty good meal. She seemed better as the night went on. I kissed her goodnight, but i could see something wasn't right. She didn't look me in the eye like usual. I got in my car a little shaken from it.

To my surpise on the way home i got the "Text message of doom". Yes mind you it was not in person or on the phone. It was a text message. (i hate texting) anywho i was a mess for the weekend. I tryed to talk to her and figure out why. all i got was "i need space", " i need to find out who i am", "i just need to breathe". Mind you this was the same girl that would beg me to stay with her and keep her company. She was insecure and she would get stressed over family life and school and whatever so i did. But i was just shocked that she could just be so cold about that whole thing. This going back and forth lasted about a week or two. (i know i should have stopped talking to her earlier but i didn't).

So the big thing is her birthday rolls around. By this point i get alot of texts says " i don't want it to be over" crap like that. I figured.. like a good guy i would go and give her a surpise. It was a weeknight, and i went up to her college (half hour away) and i sang to her. I sang the song from the wedding singer. With one of my friends playing the guitar. It went fairly well. She cryed and she tryed to hold back her tears. I hugged her and she hugged back. But i still got the " i need space" junk again. (this was 3 weeks after it happened). So whatever i kept LC for a few weeks. just to let it all sink in and whatever. about 3 weeks after this we go out for coffee. And after a while of talking about school and friends i flat out ask her what our chances are of getting back together. i get "20%, i just don't want to make any promises" it was a mental blow for me but i made it sound like i was cool with whatever. So, i didn't contact her for a few days until she starts talking to me over IM, like we are old pals. I wasn't having this crap, she knew what i wanted. So i just called her and said " i need this to be totally over." she had very little emotion she just basically said "ok"

I have been in NC ever since that call. Now she has a "BF", who i met while i was out there. She likes to hang out with guys she always had, and this was one of her new friends. So all of a sudden i find out that they are now "together". I know for a fact he is not better than me. I did alot for that girl. Hell i took her to florida with me, and paid for it. I'm a guy who isn't a party animal. He is the party type. I know she is just with him because he is exciting and new.

I don't see it lasting, but my question is. Do you think she will miss me. I still have tons of feels for her, which is why i am on here. Its just she has changed so much, she drinks and parties now. I just don't want to see her hurt . I just don't know if she will miss the things i did for her.

[emalkoc]

Zorba, seemslike your failed relationship similar to mine...She is stubborn, insecure, sticks to her decisions, and we are emotionally incompatible going thru last 2 years...yet, we sexually perfect, still attract to each other, love her life bla bla...and rebound guy is far away and on the scale of 10, 5 vs. me 9..That bad...

 

I have pushed first 2-3 weeks for getting back her but since then LC or NC for last 2.5 mos. Last as you know she was trying to email me and contact with me so as I am backup in case that guy wont work..I can feel that...But I am keeping my cool, working out, working on myself and not responding unless necessary..

 

You have not said explicitly, but what would you have done different, so you could have got your ex?

 

My understanding, physcology 101, if they can feel you are moving on, they get scared and insecure and try to chase...

 

Cheers

 

Eric

[Ampire]

Zorba, here is my situation.

 

Im going to try to make this really short because the whole story would take pages.

 

First I just want to say thanks to everyone who is a part of this forum, you all seem like very wonderful loving people. The last of a dying breed.

 

Basically we were together for almost 2 years, she is a single mom, I came into the picture when her son couldnt even walk yet, Basically it got to a point where he started calling me daddy, without us even mentioning that word to him, by instinct I guess and seeing what the other children at day care were calling their father figures. anyway we had a good relationship and I did a lot for her, and for her son I basically treated him as if he were my own. We lived together, and just this past summer she got a job in another city a couple hours away, confused if I should go or not I did, this was my family, my girlfriend who I planned on marrying and the little one, who I considered my son, who she even considered my son, she would say things like when I think of ****s dad I think of you, I dont think of K*** to be his father at all (he was abusive) anyway I had troubles finding a job when we moved so after a while I came back to my hometown to work because I had connections here (we didnt break up), after a couple weeks I started getting calls for jobs, and I ended up getting one so I went back. Just over a month later I feel like shes acting weird one week, then all the sudden, I dont think we are gonna last forever, I dont know if its because of the child but there is no passion, I dont want to settle, I feel like I need to be alone. Those were the basic reasons, My theory was we just moved, we dont know people in this city, we both have new careers, **** just started school, seemed like every weekend there was something to do and we never got time alone, we didnt have a sitter where as back home we always had the resources to have alone time and what not, here we didnt, to me it was obvious so I said we have to work on it we are really busy people, she said I dont want to be in a relationship when you have to work, I want it to just work - which to me seems a little crazy, so I moved back home to the parents (im 27 how fun, shes 29 btw). Anyway so she took it hard too, and after the first week of NC she ended up emailing me and calling me the same day - I waited a day but I called her back, then a few days later she called me, we talked about our problems and she said I love you Ill call you tomorrow night, she ended up calling me in the afternoon and said do you wanna come up tonight, I decided to go (I needed to return her key anyway) this was the night before halloween, she wanted me to stay and take **** out trick or treating with her, so I did, I ended up staying a few days, we had a fantastic time, we got someone to babysit **** one night, It was really fun. anyway at the end of it I felt as if my will was there to make it work, but she had too much doubt even thought we decided to try the long distance thing for a while, but then I said I couldnt do it, I wasnt an * * * * * * * about it or anything, I always treat her with respect but I told her, I cant be that guy who chases you and hangs on to hope until you find some amazing guy and move on, because I am that amazing guy (cocky but true - she will have a hard time replacing me for who I was as a whole to her and her son). and I said NC foreal this time, few days later she emailed me confirming the break up, but she is like the reason why this is so F'n hard on me because I feel like im letting a really good thing go I have cried more this past weekend than I have throughout our whole relationship, u have this quality and that quality about you but I just feel like I need to be alone Im so codependant, I feel Like something is missing, I feel empty and I feel like you deserve someone better, and I see you in a new relationship and I see you so happy (now im crying again) but I just need to be alone. So I wrote back and I said I had to finally put and end to this because there is still a small chance the child wont get affected by this and hopefully he might still forget me, next time you get involved with someone make sure you consider how it will affect him. Ever since then, which is going on 8 days now there has been no contact - because I said strict no contact - this past friday was he Bday and today is her sons Bday - and I havnt called or anything which makes it hard, but I have to stick to my NC rule.

 

Sorry this message was so long, but Zorba - or anyone else, do you see any hope for me at all? I love her to death and I love **** to death I feel like he is my official son from another blood. Is it really over??? Part of me thinks why would I want to be with this girl, she knows how much I mean to her son and how much he means to me - I have strong family values and I would always try my best to make things work if there was children involved, which kinda puts a sour thought about her personality. But regardless I love them both to death...what to do??

[Ampire]

anyone?????????????