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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
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I have to say SuperX you absolutely made my day, and gave me the strength to make it thru another weekend. Bless you. I have a great weekend planned with a charity auction and a coffee date with a girl I met online..no matter what happens, I will stay positive-Bung

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Hi,

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost three years, we have had fights through out the period where we say things like "we're done, we're through, break up" etc etc. But we always get back together until recently, when we have been having frequent arguments and fights, her friend was always there to comfort her and slowly entered our relationship. Now we officially broke up for bout a week, and they're officially going out for bout the same period. What are your opinions on this situation?

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ugh i really hate knowing that he is still talking to his rebound and i cut myself out of his life... it really feels like if im not there it will push him further into her arms... im hoping its the opposite though, like in the beginning of this thread.. that he will come back.

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Ok long story short. After 8 years together, 1 married, she left me. I had become obsessed with my hobbies and work and started to necks t her and take her for granted. She would discuss it with me and I would change for a few weeks and slide back into my routine. Well she finally had enough and thougt I would be happier without her. I originally believed she had cheated on me but after talking to her family, she had not. She has however gotten emotionally attached to a guy that had made passes at her before. All happened about a month after we leaglly separated. Well he works a schedule where he is home two weeks and gone two weeks every month. At first she was very distant and we didn't talk very much. But after she started to notice my changes I was making, we got into more contact. When he is home we talk secretly and she would come.to me about the problems they were having. And due to my neglect, I thought listening would be the best course of action. Then we would spend the time he was gone together. I know.it sounds low but it is what it is. We had sex everytime and would text pics and other inappropriate things alot. I have realized that I need to stop being the inbetween guy and show her what life without me is like as it is obvious not that good accourxing to her family. They believe she feels obligated to him for somethings he has provided her. I am going a very LC and will not discuss their issues if they arise. I still love her and I see she still loves me too. I think this is the best option and my therapist believes so also. Its very hard but it has to be done to let her see how hopeless the new relationship is. He is an * * * * * * * and she has called me crying and saying things like I wish I was with you instead. It his job now to make her happy, not mine. Its been a week and she has trued to text me at least once a day since this started. His true colors will show through as he has never had a relationship last longer than 5 months and he is 29. Just a low life that showed an emotionally upset person the right combination of feelings. Its time to make myself better and happier and let go.

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This is the really weird situation for me. I never thought I would be on ENA because of my EX.. but here goes

 

I had been with my past Girlfriend for a year.. we broke up in the beginning of August due to the fact we lived an hour apart, and she had a 2 year old kid that I didnt really get along with, plus she is in a very demanding nursing program, so her time is limited..

 

Anyway the break up was mutual.. I took it pretty well.. i mean I was actually fine.. I let her contact me if she wanted to talk.. which she would text me ever couple days with "i miss you" or whatever.. and i was always very nice about.. but I wanted to stay broken up.. for the past 6 weeks we have been NC... no one said we are doing NC, its just that she hasnt contacted me and I never really contact her anyway.. so we have been doing NC without announcing it.

 

we had discussion about facebook, and I thought we should delete each other of facebook and she was VERY much against this and thought it was petty or whatever... so I decided to keep her on as friends.

 

well on last week is when it all started.. I login to facebook, and I happen to see her profile pic(mind you I have on HIDE so I cant see her updates or pics or whatever and I NEVER look at her profile) because she added one of my friends on facebook..

 

and it was of her and another guy!!!! I was crushed.. for the first time since we broke up I really really felt heart broken and I dont know why, I am even having the symptoms.. i cant get her off my mind.. my appetite sucks, I havent even been sleeping that well!! I dont know why.. just seeing her with another guy triggered all this!!!

 

anyway, I then deleted her from my facebook, untagged myself from all the pics we have together and deleted all the pics i have her, then I deleted her number ..

 

to add insult to injury, My 30th birthday was Wendesday.. and she did not contact me..

 

Well I ended up talking to one of our mutual friends.. she suggested that I call my ex because I obviously have a lot of regret for our past relationship and still love her a lot and I she at least let her know how I feel.. I was very reluctant to do this, because i have always gotten crushed in the past when I do this...

 

So I called her on Saturday, go the voicemail.. 15 minutes later she calls me back.. and we chit chat.. and she was in shock to see I called.. she told me she didnt think I even cared about her anymore and was starting to question the fact if I even loved her anymore.. I told her I wanted to see her in person.. but she said she needed to think about it, but we might be able to meet tomorrow..

 

tomorrow comes I dont hear from her .. so I sent her a text.. and she replied and said she cant meet me because she is dating someone.. I called her immediately to talk to her.. we talk for an hour.. and I lay it all out there.. and she cries, I can tell she still loves me and misses me.. she even tells me that.. she wonders why I waited so long to contact her and wishes I would have contacted her earlier, because things would be different, but now she says she is IN LOVE with her new bf!!!!

 

She met this guy a week after we broke up.. and started dating him soon after.. and she is trying to tell me she is in love with him after two months?? you cant even know someone in two months let alone love someone ..

 

but anyway I end the conversation, with contacting you isnt about getting you back, it was about letting you know how I feel about you, because obviously you didnt know how much I really love/care about you..

 

and thats it.. im SO frustrated and hurt.. I let this girl walk right out of my life and I know if I would have done this two months ago she would be right beside me right now, but now she is with someone else.. is there any hope for a situation like this??

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She sounds very confused. I think most people will tell you to lay out all of your feelings and then walk away and let her decide if she wants to get back together with you. The hard part is that she will have to realize that new guy isn't who she wants, and while they are still in the initial honeymoon phase, this is unlikely.

 

Our situations are similar, although I know that my former gf needs time ALONE to figure things out before I would even think of reconciling with her. Unfortunately, our situations are tough because we were the dumpers, and basically did take them for granted.

 

If she wasn't dating someone, you could take things slow, and SHOW her that you care, but you will most likely not get that chance with another guy in the picture.

 

I know I'm not much help, but just thought I'd add my perspective.

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I did lay everything out there for her this past weekend.. she had no idea I felt this way about her (which I guess I was a little shocked)

 

I know for a fact she would get back with me in a heartbeat if it wasnt for the other guy in the picture..

 

Do you think this is a rebound?? I mean it has all the classic signs.. dating VERY soon after we broke up.. the exchanging of I love you's very soon in the relationship?? etc?

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Sure its a rebound, but sometimes rebounds work out, so don't focus on that.

 

You will have to SHOW her how you feel, not just tell her. And since the other guy is around, that will be difficult if not impossible.

 

You will have to let her decide what she wants, and right now it isn't you. If the other guy treats her well, and gets along with her kid, then the only thing you have is history with her. Which is building between her and the new bf right now.

 

You laid everything out, now you have to respect her enough to make the decision for herself, and not force it. Give things time, but don't wait around for her.

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I did lay everything out there for her this past weekend.. she had no idea I felt this way about her (which I guess I was a little shocked)

 

I know for a fact she would get back with me in a heartbeat if it wasnt for the other guy in the picture..

 

Do you think this is a rebound?? I mean it has all the classic signs.. dating VERY soon after we broke up.. the exchanging of I love you's very soon in the relationship?? etc?

 

I think what you really want to know is whether this relationship will end soon so you can try to reconcile with your ex. I am in the same situation. It's a painful place to be. Sometimes rebounds work out. Try to protect your heart. Read Al Turtle's website, especially the article "What to do when he/she leaves you."

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I think what you really want to know is whether this relationship will end soon so you can try to reconcile with your ex. I am in the same situation. It's a painful place to be. Sometimes rebounds work out. Try to protect your heart. Read Al Turtle's website, especially the article "What to do when he/she leaves you."

 

you hit the nail right on the head! lol

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Sure its a rebound, but sometimes rebounds work out, so don't focus on that.

 

You will have to SHOW her how you feel, not just tell her. And since the other guy is around, that will be difficult if not impossible.

 

You will have to let her decide what she wants, and right now it isn't you. If the other guy treats her well, and gets along with her kid, then the only thing you have is history with her. Which is building between her and the new bf right now.

 

You laid everything out, now you have to respect her enough to make the decision for herself, and not force it. Give things time, but don't wait around for her.

 

im not forcing anything... honestly when we talked I told her, this wasnt about getting back with you, it was about letting you know how I feel, because You dont know..

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im not forcing anything... honestly when we talked I told her, this wasnt about getting back with you, it was about letting you know how I feel, because You dont know..

 

Then you've done your part, and now is the difficult part. Patience. You have to let her go and work on yourself, make yourself happy. Do things you enjoy, spend time with good people, exercise. All of that will benefit you regardless of the outcome with her. If there was love between you, and she sees you differently, there is a chance. But you can't count on it, and you have to let go.

 

It is much easier said than put in practice though, This I can relate to first hand.

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well to me it happened the same, and I can't believe I'm just a number: the girl that loved me the most, she was a virgin before me, after we broke up on reasons that were articially made up, after I changed, but I kept in contact with her, she accepted to be with one guy that was very often making advances to her, and they were dancing together and had common friends. And now my exgf is totally in love with him, and indifferent and cold to me.

 

And this breaks me into million pieces, for last 3 days and nights I could not sleep or eat...

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well to me it happened the same, and I can't believe I'm just a number: the girl that loved me the most, she was a virgin before me, after we broke up on reasons that were articially made up, after I changed, but I kept in contact with her, she accepted to be with one guy that was very often making advances to her, and they were dancing together and had common friends. And now my exgf is totally in love with him, and indifferent and cold to me.

 

And this breaks me into million pieces, for last 3 days and nights I could not sleep or eat...

 

that sucks man..

 

thats the thing is my EX isnt indiffrent to me.. infact she even told me she still loves/cares about me..

 

hell she got jealous after looking at some comments on my facebook.. so iff some silly comments on facebook can affect her, i know she still has deep feelings for me..

 

i have pulled back completely.. if she comes back to me it will be on her own accord.. but im not waiting around ..

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Long story short, exgirlfriend of mine dated for 33 months, we had a lot of fights in October and she got fed up with it and thought she deserves better near the end of October, so she broke up with me and started dating her college friend she met this semester RIGHT AWAY.

 

One of her friend asked why so sudden and if she's just rebounding, she said "I can honestly say this is not a rebound, I have lost everything I had for my ex(me). We're (her and her new bf) crazy bout each other, we're both romanticist(like she's his princess and he's her prince) we have a lot of fun together" My question is do dumpers know if she/he is in a rebound or not? And does her response show that she's really deep in love with the new guy?

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Long story short, exgirlfriend of mine dated for 33 months, we had a lot of fights in October and she got fed up with it and thought she deserves better near the end of October, so she broke up with me and started dating her college friend she met this semester RIGHT AWAY.

 

One of her friend asked why so sudden and if she's just rebounding, she said "I can honestly say this is not a rebound, I have lost everything I had for my ex(me). We're (her and her new bf) crazy bout each other, we're both romanticist(like she's his princess and he's her prince) we have a lot of fun together" My question is do dumpers know if she/he is in a rebound or not? And does her response show that she's really deep in love with the new guy?

 

You can't take words too seriously. Its very early and if you have been a good to her, she will miss you down the road unless she is heartless. Just ignore what she is doing, exit her life completely and try to move on. At the start of a new relationship, the guy is going to put on his best behavior and hide his flaws at the start so it may seem like he is that "Perfect". Once that phase is gone, she is going to see the flaws and may start thinking of you. Now this may or may not happen so that is why you have to try to move on.

 

That is why it is important to disappear. It gives her a chance to miss you and when things go rough and need that emotional support, she is going to look for something familiar which is you and get that dose and continue with her new relationship. If you ignore her desire for this support she will look at her new bf differently. Stay away from her friends as well, you want to create uncertainty for your ex and make her think what you're up too. Remember, by having her think about you is a good thing. By being in her life she will not miss you and will not think about you cause you are always there.

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EVERYONE WANTS WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE - we are human. Com'n - there is no argument here. Even when I wasn't hooked on a guy who ended things, I was completely obsessed with him afterwards because I couldn't get over that he didn't want me (even though I clearly didn't want him prior to us mutually ending it).

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delete your fb account and you might have a chance, you have to exit their life completely so that they wonder where you are and what you are doing. Trust me its hard but since I've deleted mine, I feel so much better not being a stalker of his page and questioning everything. It honestly gives you a strengthening feeling and some power over what you feel is powerless. Do it - and thank me in a couple weeks. My ex called me three days after I deleted mine - after issuing NC for over 2 months. He couldn't resist, it killed him that I didn't care to see his page and the fact that he couldn't see what I was up to. Let them suffer a little - its how we move on. In the meantime - go out and enjoy yourself. For the first time in weeks I feel a little bit better, not guilty for going out and talking to other guys or even thinking about dating. I gave him my loyalty, and he gave it away. He can lay in the bed he made, I'm fed up.

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I don't wanna delete my facebook for her though >.> It would take forever to make a new one. I'll just not go on facebook for a couple of weeks... Btw, some books suggest you initiate contact with your ex after a month of NC, and try to have small conversation, what do you guys think of that?

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I don't wanna delete my facebook for her though >.> It would take forever to make a new one. I'll just not go on facebook for a couple of weeks... Btw, some books suggest you initiate contact with your ex after a month of NC, and try to have small conversation, what do you guys think of that?

 

Just block her so you can't see her, and she can't see you. It's easy enough.

 

I wouldn't put a month, or any set time period. Wait until you are over it, and feelings aren't raw anymore. Sometimes its a few weeks, sometimes a few months, sometimes longer!

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