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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
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Wow you just really opened my eyes to something. I was in a 1yr relationship she called it off and went with another guy the very next day and after 5 weeks of being with him came crawling back to me saying that she's never missed something as much as she’s missed me. I just probed her and she said that me falling into complete nc with her made her lose a friend, a lover, and also a strong emotional support and without it she became completely jealous because she missed me and had no idea what I was doing in my life and without my emotional support she couldn’t keep up the relationship. The reason she finally broke off the other relationship was because I saw her walking down the street and I decided to hug her which left her completely speechless and morphed into a half hour long hug where she was crying and ranting about how much she missed me. I think your spot on with your theory.

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I've been thinking a lot about the situations that a lot of us are in where our exes began dating somebody very soon after the break-up. A lot of people classify these as rebounds, but sometimes they work out.

 

I have a theory that if the dumpee remains in the picture, the rebound will become a successful relationship; while if the dumpee leaves, the dumper is more likely to become newly attracted to the missing dumpee, and return.

 

 

 

I've had both firsthand experience with this and also have watched this transpire with several friends.

In two of the cases, my friends (the dumpees) had no contact and ended up with the dumpers coming back to them and theyre now either engaged or married.

In two cases where my friends tried to stay platonic friends with their dumpers the dumpers are now involved deeply with the rebounds.

In my case the guy came back but I have put off deciding what to do with him. Kinda dangling him since he dumped me very coldly and now says it was a huge mistake.

 

 

Oh and Go Redskins!!!

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.

 

Zack, interesting thing to say.

If I got it right you mean when a dumpee stays in touch he/she indirectly gives the dumper a sense of fulfillment which the dumper erroneously attributes to the new person in their life. And thus, the dumper pursues the new person more and more thinking they are the source of their completeness.

When, on the other hand, the dumpee disappears a sudden feeling of emptiness fills the dumper and he/she realizes the new person is not the source of their emotional wholeness as they had imagined.

 

Thanks for jogging my memory...About 5 years ago when I was 25 I had been dating guy for 3 years. He thought I was too high spirited and too social and whatnot and we fought and long story short he dumped. He then started dating new girl immediately.....we kept staying very close friends...totally platonic.... the few times i would end things he would actually fight a lot more with the new rebound girl. he was slef aware so he even ADMITTED that my friendship made his relationship lessed stressed.

I finally decided I did not want him back, so had no problem staying friends.

He then got engaged /married to her. Over the years he had lots of probelms with her and sometimes muses that he might have broken up with her if he hadnt had me to turn to additionally.

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I have to wonder if taking the "Friendly" way out works for women who were dumped, though. This makes us look a bit like a doormat - men love the thrill of the chase so I feel like making a complete disappearance on our part - even if the last contact wasn't so good - is the best way to go, rather than try to clear the air. Trying to be friendly gives them a sign that we're still interested.

 

 

 

Ding, ding, ding......You are a smart cookie !

 

 

Better that the men are left scratching their heads when it dawns on them. Going huh, what happened to her ?

Instead of smugly knowing that their dumpee is carrying a torch for them somewhere.

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whoever said that ex's who dump you are not physically attracted to you anymore is false.

 

the guy i dated for 3 years (my only) left me ....and throughout the entire relationship he was allll over me, almost too much, too muh for me especially. and even after the split he admitted he was still very much attracted to me. we were/are both virgins saving ourselves for marriage.

 

So.. just sayin, one persons word doesnt make it fact.

 

 

Yes I agree with you. My ex kept looking at my online picture galleries the whole time we were apart (i checked the IP logs and he logged in 2 times a day. lol )

He also said the more I was gone the more my face/body haunted him.

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heres another vote for 'disappear after your boyfriend dumped you'

mine has rarely missed a day in the past EIGHT months since he split of checking my blog. i havent updated it for over a month and he STILL comes everyday. hello people!

you will truly stump them if you disappear.

it will eat them straight up.

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selkie, I love your posts! I have a friend whose boyfriend dumped her and during the break-up she called him every name in the book, swore at him, etc. Two months later he came back and now, several years later, they've been married a year.

 

Just goes to show NC does work and I think it's necessary to teach the dumper "a lesson", so to speak. In the case of wishy washy men who dump the woman with no clear reason, I think it forces them to grow a pair ;-)

 

And, yes, "HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!"

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heres another vote for 'disappear after your boyfriend dumped you'

mine has rarely missed a day in the past EIGHT months since he split of checking my blog. i havent updated it for over a month and he STILL comes everyday. hello people!

you will truly stump them if you disappear.

it will eat them straight up.

 

do you think this is the case if your ex already has a new gf? like a rebound new gf??

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heres another vote for 'disappear after your boyfriend dumped you'

mine has rarely missed a day in the past EIGHT months since he split of checking my blog. i havent updated it for over a month and he STILL comes everyday. hello people!

you will truly stump them if you disappear.

it will eat them straight up.

 

 

How can you tell if someone is looking at your profile?? Is it myspace?

 

I have been looking at my ex's and I'd absolutey die if he knew I was ....

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How can you tell if someone is looking at your profile?? Is it myspace?

 

I have been looking at my ex's and I'd absolutey die if he knew I was ....

 

I finally gave up checking to see who was looking at my myspace profile, but YES there are plenty of hidden code trackers.

The one I had I could see the different myspace profiles my ex had, his ip, his email address, th edate he checked my profile.

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do you think this is the case if your ex already has a new gf? like a rebound new gf??

 

YES!

Mine dumped me cold and had a serious new GF who he 'thought' he was head over heels for.

But 2 weeks after I VANISHED he started checking out my photo galleries and also my personal ad. Finally he wrote a jealous little email about my personal ad even though HE and dumped me first. LOL.

I am such a consumate chess player that I stopped checking my myspace page and my match personal ad for 3 months just so he wouldnt know what the heck I was up to.

It DROVE him nuts wondering if I was still alive, was dating someone, etc.

 

He actually emailed me to ask if I was still alive and kicking....

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I finally gave up checking to see who was looking at my myspace profile, but YES there are plenty of hidden code trackers.

The one I had I could see the different myspace profiles my ex had, his ip, his email address, th edate he checked my profile.

 

Uh oh... I hope he doesn't have one of these!! I would be mortified because he believes I've just moved on and am fine and dandy... according to my friend that he bumped into.

 

I thought myspace banned all that stuff... argh!!! Ok, I will not check his page.

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Uh oh... I hope he doesn't have one of these!! I would be mortified because he believes I've just moved on and am fine and dandy... according to my friend that he bumped into.

 

I thought myspace banned all that stuff... argh!!! Ok, I will not check his page.

 

Don't fret too much about it, your fine. But you shouldn't be cruising to his page though *tsk tsk*

 

BTW, this is a great discussion thread.

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Well, I installed a tracker on my page and had some friends test it for me, and yes, they were on my stats report. I was only able to see their service provider and city, but here's the kicker.... for my IP address, it shows my company name and city!!! I only have my company laptop as my primary computer and he knows where I work.

 

I'm toast. All of the "disappearing" I've been doing was all for not.

 

If anything, this is going to force me to never look at his page again. The thought the he might know I have been visiting his regularly is very unsettling... (sigh)

 

I guess I never really did true NC, so starting today... it's NC all the way. I gotta move on from this hell.

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I'd like to be able to go complete NC. But every couple of weeks I'll go to a friend's birthday or meet a group of friends out for drinks or an event, and he's there. If I totally ignore him, not only is that just rude but it gives the impression that he's affecting me. So I'm warm and friendly for a few minutes at some point in the evening but treat him like an acquaintance when talking to him and for the rest of the evening.

 

I have no chance of completely disappearing, because even when I cut contact for a couple of months not long after the break-up, he still found out about what I was doing etc from mutual friends....

 

But this is an interesting thread anyways!

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I'd like to be able to go complete NC. But every couple of weeks I'll go to a friend's birthday or meet a group of friends out for drinks or an event, and he's there. If I totally ignore him, not only is that just rude but it gives the impression that he's affecting me. So I'm warm and friendly for a few minutes at some point in the evening but treat him like an acquaintance when talking to him and for the rest of the evening.

 

I have no chance of completely disappearing, because even when I cut contact for a couple of months not long after the break-up, he still found out about what I was doing etc from mutual friends....

 

But this is an interesting thread anyways!

 

Haha Yodabell...like I said before, you and I are in the same fix. There is no way I can just get rid of the SCORES of mutual friends/workmates we have...I just can't completely hide, even with a private Myspace and Facebook!

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What if the break up was terrible? I mean a really bad break up, and she went back to her ex before me. Ahhh!
I would say game over for you I'm afraid. It does depend on the circumstances. If she left him for you and he was a serious long term boyfriend, then she took a big emotional risk to do that. You then had a "terrible" breakup so now she will be thinking she made the wrong decision. If he's changed or moved on to any degree in the interim, his attraction to her, added to the longterm feelings will make you getting her back almost impossible. He'll be like one of the guys here who got his ex back. Even if she went back to him out of panic, I would still say you face an uphill struggle as he'll still seem the safest bet. She may leave him, but she'll probably leave him for someone new, rather than go back to you. Sorry, but that's how I would see it anyway.
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How can you tell if someone is looking at your profile?? Is it myspace?

 

I have been looking at my ex's and I'd absolutey die if he knew I was ....

 

Oh lord no, I am not talking about myspace.

 

I have not looked at his myspace for at least 7 out of the 8 months that we've been apart. I cant do it. I stopped signing onto mine. He looks at mine about 7 times a month. And yes I have a tracker on myspace,

but the one he visits almost daily is my xanga, which I also have a tracker for. I dont check ANY of his stuff, ever.

 

For awhile it made me feel better knowing he cared enough to still check up on me, however at this point, coupled with him NEVER calling, its just gotten weird.

 

p.s.

you have to really search for the trackers that those pages cant see within their system. they have almost ALL of them pegged. myspace is typically on top of that crap. so unless your ex is a computer junkie and knows the ins and outs, you're probably safe.

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do you think this is the case if your ex already has a new gf? like a rebound new gf??

 

i think if you mattered anything at all to your ex, and if ya'll had a good history, then he will never be able to forget you. people(he or she) may TREAT you as if you're disposable, but its just a cover. you arent really disposable or forgettable.

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Yeah that is how I think of it now as well. That is why I feel like I need to figure out a way to show that I am safe. I'm not sure how what to do or say (in NC right now) to alleviate the bad feelings! I know time will do that, but is there anything else? What would you need to be told?

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Being told won't do it, you would need to show her and with him in such a strong position, that's going to be so hard to do. Her ex ex has probably spent the time apart making changes and if he has and got her back he's going to be a lot more involved with her now. I would say NC and move on. Things may change in the future, but I wouldn't live my life by that.

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Zorba would you mind reading this and letting me know what you think? I know she still cares. She moved in lecture and I can just tell she is sad about things. When we talked about her dating him she talked about how she wasnt sure about her feelings and that she would figure out if it wasnt right. The way she said it was like she was trying to keep me on the side again. Obviously I didnt want that, but what I am saying is despite some of the things she says I don't think she has completely shut the door. She cares about me a lot.

 

 

 

 

 

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