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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life

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I feel like before this happened I was sat on a beautiful balcony on a gorgeous villa overlooking the ocean on a perfect summers day then all of a sudden a huge wave came and just destroyed everything in the blink of an eye. ](*,)

 

This metaphor really captures your feelings about the situation. I totally understand and feel quite similar about what happened in my relationship.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So... I'm just coming out of a long term relationship of approximately two years... During that time, I can honestly say we had the ideal relationship. We had our problems but, for the most part, we had great communication, romantic, great sex life, goal-oriented, and did I mention that we had a great sex life. We were very driven individuals and were very mentally stimulated by one another... until our entire relationship, suddenly, came to a halt... Due to the recession, he lost quite a bit of money in some investments and suddenly became in a depressive state and unmotivated to make us work... Finances became tight on my end as well, along with the added pressure of finishing my degree.

 

Fortunately, I understood that relationships are going to experience its rough patches and I saw this as such...When suddenly, he admitted to not being in love with anymore. I was distraught, when he told me this, and I tried to hold us together initially. Throughout the better part of our relationship, he has always been our back-bone and I figured that this trying time was making him feel less of man due to his finances making him feel like he wasn't in love.

 

As time progressed, I became bitter and felt unappreciated... finally deciding to just give him space. We checked in with one another at least once a month. I even attempted to get back with him on several occasions but he never seemed emotionally stable. Along with the financial pressure... he had family pressure because his mom relied on him because she doesn't work... and I didn’t want to be an added burden.

 

He always reinforced that he just needed this time to get himself together... occasionally stating that he himself felt depressed. Over time, I began to feel like I needed to be penciled in to see him... always claiming that he was busy... A few times, I even felt hurt. The day of my birthday, he showed up with a dozen of roses and in retrospect was the first time he initiated communication but I dismissed his advances because of my own pride deciding that he isn't going to have me whenever he chooses.

 

Ever since that day we've been playing a game of cat and mouse. A game whose winner is determined by who hurt the other last and I'm tired. After going back and forth so much, I finally decided to tell him that I was seeing someone which was the same night that he was trying to stop by and talk hoping that if I sparked some jealousy in him we could stop the games which (I admit) was my biggest mistake... Ladies don't use jealousy ESPECIALLY if your man if egotistical.

 

Since that day, we have taken about ten steps backwards. When I finally realized my mistake about a week later... I popped up at his house only to discover a girl there attending a family function of his. I made sure I didn't act all crazy, eventually learning that he started "seeing her" after I told him that I was dating. He said he figured, our relationship was truly over. Well that was a little over a month ago and now I've found out that she's living with him.

 

Supposedly she was living out of her car for a few days (more drama) and he felt bad and now she’s been there for two weeks. All of this was discussed over lunch last Thursday and I did my best, again, to not act all crazy. He admits to still loving me. We even had a great day which ended with intimacy but he says he need time to figure all this out so we agreed to stop talking.

 

I just need to know if I should still wait during this time period. From what I've been reading... men jump into rebound relationships when they're unable to deal with their emotions and I believe I hurt him a great deal, when I made it appear that I had moved on. I'm just tired of us hurting one another and instead of complicating the situation further by starting to date someone too... I was wondering if I should just see how this whole thing plays out so this cycle of pain can FINALLY end.

 

During this time apart, I've also learned a great deal about myself and a women’s role in relationships. I have a theory that men are physically stronger than women, but women are mentally stronger than men because we are able to communicate our emotions so no matter who we up with ladies its going to require us to put up with a lot more bull * * * * because of their sensitive egos so we might as well choose "the one" and stick with it.

 

I hate to say it, but there's no such thing as a fairy tale relationship like Cinderella and Snow White and gentlemen are not knights in shining armor but what we can have is a loving relationship. Love, I am discovering, are not the butterflies he/she gives you either. Love is unconditional. Love is smiles, tears, happiness, sadness, hard times, good times, frowns, depression, rich, and poor. Love is symbolic of people who have been together forty and fifty years.

 

NO relationship is easy, but with love comes pushing aside a certain amount of pride... not self respect but pride. Love is even when your angry coming home and preparing a meal for your family even if you slam his plate down in front of him a little harder that usual...lol. Love is putting another’s feelings before your own and if your able to put his feelings before yours and he's putting your feelings before his... then both parties should be taken care of...

 

But now I am forced to ask myself... Have I realized all this too late???

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But now I am forced to ask myself... Have I realized all this too late???

 

Only time will tell if it makes a difference with your ex . . .

 

But what a great thing to take away from this experience! They say you learn something from every relationship, and it sounds like you've gained a lot of insight from this one. You'll take that with you no matter what, and the next time you fall in love, you'll do better because of it.

 

I know that may be cold comfort right now. I'm sure you're wishing you could express all of this new understanding in a relationship with your ex. But it's still a great accomplishment. So many people don't do the hard work it takes to make sense of a breakup, to learn and grow. They just distract themselves or get bitter. You should be proud of what you've done, no matter how things turn out with him.

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Thank you for your responses Nicole 2009 and coolchick64...

 

I HAVE actually learned a lot from this break up and as strange as it may sound... Im kind of happy that things are playing out the way they are. When I get upset, I have to admit I can get a little hysterical...lol and this whole situation with him dating someone else has allowed me to prove to both he and myself that I can control my emotions and I don't have to get all crazy...lol.

 

I also believe that if we are able to get back together, this entire experience will bring us closer... that's sounds kind of weird to say but I really believe for once and for all we won't keep allowing pride to dominate our relationship because I'm learning that it definitely causes more grief than good.... setting aside one's pride and being able to control one's emotions are also the first steps toward maturity, moods change...

 

Being angry, sad, happy, dissappointment are all feelings that dictate the present and we erraneously get caught up in the present. That's why were all in these forums. Most of us are guilty of acting out on the present and now were full of regret. Love, on the other hand, is of the most stable emotions dictating one's future and unless we want to alter that future... Ive decided that its probably best not to fall victim to such temporary states like hurt, pain, and anguish...

 

I've also come to realize, after reading everyone's story... that finding a new partner isn't always the answer. Like I mentioned before, love isn't a fairy tale... and as we can see, this forum contains both males, females, heterosexual and same-sex relationships and were ALL experiencing similar problems which lets me know that if one or both parties are exchanged the odds of us winding back here in forums like these are great whether we move on or not...

 

So I commend those of you who don't mind putting a little effort into your relationships because relationships are difficult but finding a person that you TRULY believe you could spend a life-time with is even more so...

 

So ladies... let me inform you that you definitely get further with the less emotional approach. Even though I am on strict NC, I could tell that my more calming tactics will give my relationship a bigger window to heal... if we are to work things out.

 

But from my story... Is it possible that he and that new girl with last?... Everything just seems so rushed... I don't want to appear opptimistic but his personality is one that doesn't like a lot pressure. With this in mind, is it possible that he'll ask her to move sometime soon if I keep up with the NC and is it possible that he suggested she move in out of anger towards me???

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here is my long story short. my ex left me for some other guy and this other guy and her have been hanging out everyday since our break. today (we have class together) she tells me how she is afraid of their relationship (and what if the rumors about him are true) and she still loves me but as a friend only, she still cares for me, she doesnt want to loose me as a friend and she is just worried about their relationship blah blah blah. well this weekend they exchanged their first kiss (how sweet right?), and since she decided to tell me this i decided to let her know i was moving on, which of course made her jealous. well anyway i told her tonight that we are stricltly classmates and nothing else, i dont want to know about her personal life and she wont know about mine. then she says "your the only person that will care for me in the way you did", "your the only person i can talk to about this". again blah blah blah. but i am strictly sticking to the classmate contact ONLY. how did i handle this situation?

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  • 1 month later...

You have to let it be what it is. My ex is very similar. We broke up and she had a new guy in the picture 3 weeks later. I went NC and she still reaches out to talk to me a little bit every now and then. I recently started hitting the gym and have a wicked 6 pack which she always ask to see it.

 

I would stay strict classmates and nothing more. Just let it run its course and 9 times out of 10 with the rebounds, they come back eventually.

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Knew him for almost a year but LDR. The relationship was going well after the first time he came back to me and told me he wanted to find someone closer. I never stopped him, just kept mum and not cared to scream or shout or blame. But he came back crying.

 

But now the second time it happened. He told me on saturday he 'met someone'. I again did not blow up and actually wished him well. But i did ask if that means we were still friends and if we will still be talking on saturdays. he said he'd love that. He also said things between jokes like she had a lot to live up to (comparing her with me) and that in a way he is 'still looking'

 

After that, I started thinking about it and decided I might not want to continue being there for him whenever he wanted. I understand that he was hurt before and so is still feeling a lot of insecurity. The only problem he has of our relationship is that of the proximity issue. I really do not blame him for looking, but I also have to think for me.

 

I was wondering even if I did hang around, he would sooner or later disappear once his new relationship stabilized. It has happened before and if every ex told me I was such a great deal, why did they eventually do that?

 

I am very happy to find this tread which answered the questions I had about whether I should go NC or not, and whether I should stick around and be his friend. This tread gave me the peace to know that what I thought right is indeed right.

 

So, I wrote him an email and told him I wont be seeing him again on saturdays simply because if he knew me to be the kind of girl I thought he knew me as, than he would know i would choose to stay away from him at this stage.

 

And i am glad I did. I set him free and set myself free as well. he can come back or not, but in the end, i am not the one losing out on a great thing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can confirm this, my gf dumped me and then started dating another guy. I ignored her completely then one day she called me to her house for a pre-party. I asked her who was going to be there, she told me all the names...EXCEPT her date. So I was there when he showed up, and when he did I didn't stay long - left and went to the club. Later they both came to the club, I didn't pay attention to her, she kept coming back to me. At the end of the night, they broke up. And she came and told me that she thought what she was doing was rude, since the reason she broke up with me was because "she wanted to be free & stay single a little".

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My example is a few years old. While in college with my first love. We broke up of August going into our sophomore year. We did LC for a while. I attempted to win her back for months. She went to college 5 hours away. I remember driving out there as a surprise. Sometime in February or March, I think I realized it was done and over with for good. Started NC. In July or August, she started contacting me and wanted to comeback. Eventually, I had moved on. If she would have comeback a few weeks earlier, I would have probably taken her back in a second. She needed that year apart to experience being single and in college.

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I was in a 5-year relationship and engaged with a narcissist woman who dumped me over a stupid argument. Tried several attemps to reconciliate with her, but I kept failing numerous times.

 

Fast-forward 5 years later, I am now married with a trophy wife who is younger, better and smarter...ex became madly jealous and deeply regrets her decision... - this after years of no contact.

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Hoot! This tread needs to stay alive. It is one of the best! So glad people are posting again!.

 

Mine came back LC. But I realized somethings about me for the two weeks I did NC. For one, I usually just give myself two weeks to move on. I just don't like feeling bad for long.

 

For two, by the time we went on LC, I don't really mind what happened to him, to his new 'someone else' or to us anymore.

 

For three, I am so sure that they won't work out and he will be coming back, I do not even worry at all. I have actually been asking myself where that ego of mine came from!

 

Now it is just me. I am still thinking, do I really want him back? And if I do, what are the things I have to put my foot down about? I have given him freedom and he had misused it. I have given him trust, and he had broken it. I gave him time, he went around the corner ever chance he had for something more 'convenient'. Think about how sad it is for the other woman - she was chosen because she was 'more convenient.'

 

The truth is, it isn't about 'if he comes back'. It's about 'when he comes back' and if I really want him back.

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Another one here that has had contact initiated by her.

 

Ex began dating another dude SIX WEEKS after we broke up. Friends for 2 years, dated for a short but deep 10 months. I went NC straight away. Over the course of about 2 months she could NOT stop contacting me. It was not positive or constructive in any way, but it was a sign non the less. Having a psychologist to help navigate all the ridiculous behavior helped a LOT. It was awesome how she would make a prediction, and then tell me "just give it some time, and watch what happens this week". Sure enough, the ex would come around like clockwork.

 

Since then we have reconciled and are on decent terms, but she is still with her new man. I think I'll head back to NC just to see what happens. I'm long past our relationship, but definitely not shutting the door to trying again.

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wow some great insights here, really enjoyed reading and can see truths in a lot of what's said. The theory fits, my story goes like this: dumped a boyfriend, got a new one, when ex went out of picture i realised new guy wasn't right and wanted ex back. when ex was still around reltionship with new guy was great.

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wow some great insights here, really enjoyed reading and can see truths in a lot of what's said. The theory fits, my story goes like this: dumped a boyfriend, got a new one, when ex went out of picture i realised new guy wasn't right and wanted ex back. when ex was still around reltionship with new guy was great.

 

Well I am glad that somebody can confirm that this works

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From my experience, I think it all depends on the dynamics. How deeply connected the two of you are. Example, my ex before this one. We dated for just shy of two years. It was ok, but comparing it to my current ex, it was absolutely meaningless. There was no love, no extreme intimacy, just kind of being together for the sake of not being single.

 

Well by the end of the relationship, I was already done. So when it finally came time to break up, it was cake for me. She wasn't ready to let go, so of course she did everything a usual dumpee would. Beg, plead, cry, bargain. But I didn't have any of it. I wouldn't respond, I wouldn't call, to be honest I hardly even thought of her. It wasn't worth a minute of my time or effort. I never got any stuff back, never returned anything. Just completely let go.

 

I came out of that relationship, and probably within a month was in another one. So you might say I was only single for about 4 weeks. But in my mind, I was already detached maybe a year ago? So the feelings were completely dead and gone. The new girl and I went on to have an absolutely AMAZING relationship, before I sabotaged it. And that's where I stand now lol. She "broke up" with me, found another (brand new) dude, and within 6 weeks they were official.

 

She still texts me, still has been trying to meet up, and frankly, I still think there is a small amount of feeling for me. It's hard trying to decipher all the intellectual BS and find the truth...

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I love this thread!

but my ex and i broke up, i broke up with her, but then wanted her back n she said no, she starts dating a relationship with another guy 3 weeks later and everyone says " * * * is she thinking" some people dont even believe me when i show who she is dating it takes me a while to convince them because this guy so different from her type is ridic., but anyways we were both each others first loves and we r both n college, we had a very good relationship, deeply in love, when she got into this new relaitonship i left her a lone for a while, then i sent her a few emails, and everytime i send her one she breaks down and cries, she even told me "i want to be with you, its hard for me to not come back to you, but we arent ready for a relationship so serious". this is while she has another bf, well the last message i sent her about a week ago was kind of a "alright lets move on" type thing, but i changed my mind and realized that i really want her back.

 

im transferring to her college next semester, not for her for me, idk if i should tell her that im transferring there and then tell her that i still will be trying to win her back, or if i should just not tell her and risk her freaking out when she sees me around, or juts tell her im going there and thats it?

 

i just want to get us back on good terms again and let her know that i havent moved on you know?

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