Jump to content

Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life

Recommended Posts

Robert013: Itold her that that was wonderful and I am glad that she is Happy. Then i told her that all I want is for her to be happy. I told her that her new boyfriend must be a great person and I could see why she was with him. She imediatly stopped talking about him after that.

 

Touche!!! Well done you for maintaining dignity

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
  • Replies 2.4k
  • Created
  • Last Reply
how come it takes like a month + of COMPLETE NC for the dumber to miss you? and yet the dumpee misses them after a day or two ? (or crumble with NC)

 

and is it ever to late to initiate NC??

 

It's NEVER to late to start NC. It's very hard. I know I would go NC and fail after a few days. Start again and crack after a few weeks and then finally I just disappeared and haven't broken NC since (a little over 4 mos now). Dumpers don't miss you right away. It takes a while for these feelings to set in especially if they're with someone else - I'm not sure why it works this way. I think it's because they are on cloud 9 with their new found love and are not thinking clearly. So when their new love blows up that's when feelings of missing you start to creep in...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's NEVER to late to start NC. It's very hard. I know I would go NC and fail after a few days. Start again and crack after a few weeks and then finally I just disappeared and haven't broken NC since (a little over 4 mos now). Dumpers don't miss you right away. It takes a while for these feelings to set in especially if they're with someone else - I'm not sure why it works this way. I think it's because they are on cloud 9 with their new found love and are not thinking clearly. So when their new love blows up that's when feelings of missing you start to creep in...

 

 

 

thats a good piece of advice

just trying to understand. coz my ex is now seeing this guy. and i know hes hurt women in the past! so just waiting to see if she contacts me (im 3 days NC weeeheey lol(after a month of LC))

anyone have any other stories bout starting NC later than usual?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thats a good piece of advice

just trying to understand. coz my ex is now seeing this guy. and i know hes hurt women in the past! so just waiting to see if she contacts me (im 3 days NC weeeheey lol(after a month of LC))

anyone have any other stories bout starting NC later than usual?

 

The best thing to do (and this is also hard for me) is to completely disappear, MOVE ON and "forget" about them. In time things will fall into place...you'll see.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey guys, I need some advice here. Okay, so here's my story. Long story short, we broke up, he treated me horribly and instead of waiting to fix himself up so we can get back together and start a new/better relationship, he jumps into the arms of another girl. I was devastated and was determined to keep up NC to heal for myself.

 

They were together for a month. Karma sets in on him because his girlfriend had then left him for her ex girlfriend! Ouch. The girls are still together and now my ex is single.

 

While they were in a relationship, we have kept strict NC and avoided each other at school. I respected his space and whatnot. But now... he's following me at school! I'm very annoyed at this because at first he was happy that I was gone and away from his life, but now he's following me with his friends and trying to gain my attention with the most dumbest tactics.

 

Can someone help me? Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

coz my ex is now seeing this guy. and i know hes hurt women in the past! so just waiting to see if she contacts me

 

that's funny because i'm in the same situation - my ex broke up with me (long story, look for a thread coming soon) and went on the rebound with a guy who's known to screw around with women... he's married 9+ years and has had a handful of extramarital affairs over that time and always went back to his wife then came up with some crazy story to explain his disappearance (most bizarre one I heard was he had a friend call a girl he'd "dated" and say he died of cancer). pretty sad how there's so many screwed up guys in the world who will stop at nothign just to get a little bit of action in bed with a girl...

 

rsfm

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Zorba, where are you? You give great advice that is much appreciated! Been reading all of your posts, so just wondering if this theory applies to my situation....me and my bf were HS sweethearts and together for 3.5 years. 3 days after we broke up he started dating someone else cuz she asked him to her sorority event. about 3 weeks ago though she went home (in another state) for summer vacation. should i still do no contact or stay in touch for now and use their separation for the next couple of months to my advantage and try to rebuilt something...?

 

Any advice (from anyone, not just zorba) would be great!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Btw hERE MY STORY...

 

Cannot imagine just after break up 2 week ... they in relationship for 1 mth plus.. they really like deeply in love.... ...... I miss her alot.. i am doing the NC and LC now... i am not sure will she ever think or miss me anot... (mine is a 2 yr plus relationship (2yr 4 mth to be exact) ...

 

Based on my story .. any one any advise... i got a trend already.. but is short and only a few give advises.. which is good advise.. but my heart and mind still aching.... reallly want her back but of course cannot be force....

 

Every mrng.. the 1st thing in my mind is her... as well as thru out the whole day.....

 

Can a love come back when the GF is already sick of the Ex... ???

 

BTW NC is really the best method no matter she will come back anot.. cos if we guys do the crazy bombarding their phone.. they will indeed feel it is irritating ...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And would you like to give us who are married and in this situation any extra or modified advice.

 

I have actually been waiting to read something like this! It has encouraged me to finally let this rebound do the work for me and I will just say to my wife, "Look Ive been thinking. You seem happy with this guy. Why don't I file for divorce this coming week. We can kind of end this limbo pattern we are in and begin making real plans for the future." I'll say it confidently and as if I have really thought it through (which I have!) and if she at some point in the process says "Wait, wait!" then we'll see what happens. If she says, "Well that is very mature of you and thank you for offering to do that." then I'll know where I stand.

 

Of course in my situation, the rebound guy has only been divorced for about 2 weeks but he knows that I am still hanging on, trying to win back my wife, and holding up any kind of divorce. I think this has given him some real cover because he knows that he can have the milk and ultimately not pay for it.

 

I, on the other hand, have been less than a man and I have followed my wife's wishes, I left my home where my wife still lives with my kids, and she is (when the kids are not at home) sleeping with this rebound guy.

 

It sounds even crazier when I write it out like that and see the words in print!! It has only been thoughts in my mind up till now!

 

Well, time to go and be a man. Wish me luck and I'll let you know how it goes.

 

I kind of half way expect my wife (who is a bit stubborn) to react kind of emotionlessly when she initially hears this but then when things begin to progress a bit with the divorce, and the rebound relationship, which has moved incredibly fast, (in two months time I was out of the house, they were sleeping together, telling each other they love each other, talking about marriage, etc.)

 

After her initial stubborn response I expect that things will change on the rebound guys end and very quickly on my ex's mind as well.

 

Wish me luck and if you're a Believer, then pray for me!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well I did it. It was received by her about how I expected. She is very stubborn and she processes things (good and bad news) internally, unlike me, who was a complete wreck during this ordeal.

 

Ironically when I called her to tell her what I planned to do she was with this guy in his car coming home from a late lunch...

 

I told her it would probably be better to wait until she got home and she could be alone because I had something rather important to tell her. I could tell in her voice that she was not looking forward to another session of me begging her to come back which, I will shamefully admit, I have done to her on a NUMBER of occasions.

 

So I told her that this was not what I wanted but that the situation had become really unlivable for me (see my previous post to know a bit of the story).

 

I told her that I loved her very, very much. I was very sad for us and for our children but I loved her so much that I wanted her to be happy. I would prefer that she be happy with me of course! But I told her that her happiness was more important to me than my own and if she were going to be happy with someone else other than me, then that is the way it was to be.

 

She has always complained that I have been selfish in our relationship so I told her I felt like that this was the most "selfless" thing that I could do for her and she agreed.

 

I told her that on Monday I would contact an attorney and begin divorce proceedings. She seemed only slightly shocked, as if she were shocked and then remembered that she needed to hold it in and be cool.

 

I did not expect her to right there on the phone say, "Wait, wait, UNCLE! Don't divorce me!!" I know her too well and it was probably an hour ago that I told her what my intentions were. Knowing her she is probably only now beginning to process what I told her.

 

Since I did go through stages where I begged and was dramatic at times, she may even be thinking, "yea yea, I'll believe it when I see the papers." I don't know but she may think that this is a drastic effort to get her back.

 

Well she would be only half right. I DO want her back BUT the situation was so out of control that I had to take control and bring this to a head as soon as possible.

 

I would have liked to have seen the face of her rebound relationship when she told him what I told her. I have a feeling that internally things are slowly changing because Mr. Rebound is no longer along for the ride on my coat tails. He is looking at what psychologists would call a "regular old girlfriend".

 

I do not know what will happen with us. I am fairly sure that this was not the final word before lawyers get involved. I feel fairly certain that as things progress, as her rebound relationship begins to fizzle out, that divorce and being alone will not be as attractive a prospect as it was when the "other man" was around.

 

I'll keep you informed but all I can tell you is that I feel very EMPOWERED and I have not felt that way about my relationship with my wife in about 2 months, when she first started talking about separation, then came the boyfriend, then came the fast moving relationship, then came me moving out, then came this!

 

I feel as if no matter how the situation goes, that I have regained my dignity and manhood by saying, "That's it" but making it sound as if I were doing her a favor!

 

Strangely enough, the feelings I have now are MUCH better than the ones I have been having while just hanging on to something and being in limbo.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hi there, (Betrumka)

I read your first post, and then realised you'd posted more - and saddened by what you've written.

 

I wanted to try and let you see things from the 'womans' perspective.

 

My husband and I have been seperated nearly a year now. We had both wronged eachother over the years, and I felt enough was enough. I made the step to uproot and move myself and my 2 children. However I had met someone, yet I think if I'm brutally honest, he was an escape route for an unhappy marriage. I don't think women choose to leave with out a support network, whether that be family or in another man. It's our human instinct as many women don't make the plunge due to feelings of not being able to cope on their own.

 

It was a risk I was willing to take, and was hoping that I would have a happy relationship with this guy.

 

Things have stayed very amicable with my husband, and he's known of this new man being involved in mine and the childrens life. (This guy never moved in). Over the year i have asked my husband to file for a quick divorce, to reconcile and all sorts, so I've very much been mixed. We are both Christians, yet I have obviously turned away and tried to live life in my own strength. If you are a Christian, you will know yourself that you can't do things in your own strength, no matter how hard you try and resist God, he's there.

 

The rebound never lived up to his expectations, as lovely as he was he was a compulsive liar to the point he had to seek medical advice.

 

My husband never begged me to stay, and has never begged me to come back. He's been quite calm, patient and humble. There has been the odd occasion where I've been irrational over something so trivia, and he just hasn't retaliated, and then a few hours later I'm appologising for losing it.

 

I was completely taken a back when I got a text the other day, asking if I'd consider going on holiday with him and the boys to spend some time and try and figure out where we are at, and how we feel, and look towards a possible reconsiliation. I can't believe he wants that, after I've been with another man!!! all he seemed to express was deep love.

 

Now of course I'm not going to do anything in haste, but all while I was trying to do things in my strength, I just knew God wanted me to go back to my husband, and I just kept resisting it.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I am just so thankful for having a patient, non confrontational husband. I'm very impulsive and would have divorced striaght away, maybe his waiting was the more mature approach.

 

I'm reading a book at the moment which I would highly recommend

 

'Wounded Marriages Can be Healed HOPE FOR THE SEPERATED by Gary Chapman'

 

I don't really think what I've written is helpful, but if you have any questions then do ask. If you take anything away, I would say be patient, and read the book

 

Take good care, and all the best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Hopefull,

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts as i am in a similar situation as your ex. It's been 8 months since she left . She is happy and moved in with the new guy. She was with me for 14 years since age 18. I learned from my mistakes and was very naive. She doesn't seem to understand that the feelings of a new relationship may be more lust than love. I am finally going very strict limited contact as it may look controlling just being in contact. I also think he is doing everything right to land her and will continue to do so as he thinks i am still trying. Does any advice come to mind that might increase my odds of her rethinking her decision as I do actually want her back perhaps a year from now? Thanks in advance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

hey guys, this is my first time to ever use one of these. i need advice:

i and my ex were in a relationship for about a year and a half .in the beginning it was like second heaven you know; but when i joined art school, things changed i couldn't spend time with her like i used to, she started gettin depressed and crying all the time so she decided that we broke up. man did i panic ok to cut the story short we were on n off for about 2 times. the third time we got back by then i was out of art school(because of financial issues ) so i decided to pursue something else, and during this time i was really broke and disparately looking for a job(i couldn't take her out or buy her anything that's how broke i was n still broke hehehe). she was the one helping me out. now for any guys in here you know how that feels. 3 weeks ago she decided that we take a time out so we can sort each other out right, but then a week after that she tells me that she met this guy at a market and they hit it off. they went to a movie that same night. holy * * * * my heart almost pounded it's way out of my chest, i was crushed and i still am, man it hurts so bad (this is the first time i have ever cried because of a woman)! i just couldn't believe it! i mean it had just been one week since "took time of to try n c how we could make things better" so i asked her why? n she told me n i quote "i don't know if you realized but i was never happy, but we can be friends" boom damn! i think you all know wat happens next ( i start panicking, telling her how much i love her, please give us another shot..blah blah..) i really love this girl man. we decided to just be friends but i wasn't working, seeing photos of her and him on facebook was just too much for me. so i called and asked to go to her place so we could talk she said sure. i go there, we talk and talk and that's when i told her we can't be friends atleast now right now, wished her the best & was outta there.but just as i had walked a couple of feet from her house( was listening to my ipod),she came up from behind, wrapped her arms around my waist so tight for a moment i thought someone was trying to mug me in the middle of the street but no it was her asking me to please stay friends with her..yep i said ok. days after that, she would call and tell me how bored she got on a night out with him, telling how much she misses me n in my mind an like doesn't she know how much damage this is doing to me? so i sent her a message today teling her that we can't be friends, atleast not now, so i deleted her off my messenger and facebook. was that a bad move?i really want my girl back but on the other hand i want to get back in touch with my old self.ain't like a * * * * * ! i wanna back to boxing, martial arts, basketball, breakin..man all those things i used to do back then. but problem is that it's too early am not motivated, iam hurting..please help

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yea...heard that story a million times over. Been in the exact same place. I am telling you, if you play it right, right from now, you will save yourself a lot of sh!t. And if you don't play it right, there are a lot of us here who will welcome you to the club!

 

Firstly, you need to understand one thing. When sh!t like breakups happens, you can't fix it overnight. It is going to take weeks/months. So don't get sucked into doing stupid things hoping you will fix it right now. Doesn't happen. You HAVE to be prepared to go a few months without her. Get that straight in your head. The repair process is going to take months.

 

Ok. Now go NC asap. Don't make any kind of contact with her. None! Zero! Zilch. Zip. Lemon. You will find it hard in the beginning, but be determined to hold out. Stay this way for a couple of months at least. You will see her reaching out and acting sweet, requesting/begging you to be friends. Be very polite but unemotional to her. Never look keen to talk to her. Always be the one who hangs up first. Never bring up your relationship with her, unless it is her suggesting you get back.

 

If things go your way, she will realize what she is missing and come back. I am not sure I can say that the odds are loaded in your favor here. Apparently, there isn't a huge no. of dumpers who come back. But there are enough to make you believe it can happen. But, your main lookout should be happiness right now. Happiness, with or without her. Right now, she is not with you. So figure out a way to being happy without her. Tomorrow, if she decides she wants to come back, I am sure you will find a way to accommodate her. But for now, don't base your happiness on her. Go out, date other girls if you are up to it, take a vacation (although your finances may not allow that), join a club or something. Do something all the time. Don't stay idle.

 

There is a lot of material out here that you can go through. The idea is getting used to living your life without her, asap. The sooner you make that happen, the better it is going to be for you. Either you will see her coming back to you in a few months, or in a few months you will be in a position where you are perfectly happy without her. Both scenarios will work for you. Its easier said than done. But you have a chance of doing it right. A lot of us here did stupid things before we realized what we should have done. So learn from our mistakes and don't go and do them yourself.

 

Take Care. Do well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well i will keep it short, i hope, and don't mind the spelling and lack of capital letters.

 

we were together for three years, two of which we lived together, one of which was our own place. things got complicated the way they always do. we met and i was 26 or 27 and she was 22. things went very very fast for us, and next thing i know she wants to move in with me. i told her that maybe she should live on her own for a while, and make some mistakes on her own so that the eventual mistakes wouldn't affect our relationship, but those big eyes and that bottom lip sticking out is ALWAYS too much for me. also, with our ages i felt like i was calming down a bit (i have been on many an adventure traveling and living abroad), and i was always afraid that she might get frisky and want to go off and have some adventures of her own. anyway, reality doesn't suit her, and i guess i became an authority figure and not so much of a boyfriend, but somebody has to take the lead. we couldn't go out every night and pay our bills. when we did go out we were always in the corner and i saw my friends less and less, talk about jelous OMG! if a girl sneezed next to me forget about it she was livid. this became a big issue for me.

 

so we broke up last november, and it was really really hard. we both moved out, and started to see other people. we had sex a few times, and about a month and a half later we got back together. i was on cloud 9 and so was she. we went to key west and talked about marrage. she proposed to me and i said yes, but i am going to buy a house first, and i am going to ask your father first, and I am the one going down on one knee when we do this. we even picked out a place to get married.

 

well she broke up with me on valentines day, had sex with two different guys the next day, and decided to tell me about it so we could work things out (i have been to therapy for this. i always thought she was manic, but after i described her to my thearipist he suggested that she has borderline personality disorder. i googled it and it was scarry accurate) i flipped out on her and called her a * * * * * as many ways possible (there are a lot of ways to do this.) so she started dating a guy she works with (the opposite of everything she ever told me she finds attractive in men). she decided she was in love with him when she found out i had been out on a date. when we first broke up she was very upset and said, "i just know that you are going to find somebody before me." this isn't a contest. a month after we broke up the second time she moved in with this guy. ??????!!!!!!!!

 

i am devistated. so soon???!!! i tried to date somebody, but it was way way too soon, and i had to end it. i feel so much better that i did end it, and we are good friends now. i just don't know if she is rebounding. i think she is. i still love her. i don't think i could ever take her back, but i love her, and i am still not civil with her. come to find out nobody in my circle of friends ever liked her she was tolerated because of me. wow that blew my mind!

 

a month ago she got a hold of a mutual friend of ours, and boy oh boy. she loves me, just loves me and will till the day she dies. said she will never meet anybody like me again, and i am such a good man, and moving in with this guy may have been too soon (they work together too) then the text messages started......"i hope we can say hello one day." "i am sorry for hurting you not trying to drag this out or get you back." she also saw me with the girl i saw for a little while, and i got one that said, "your girl is very pretty" i responded to the first one which came weeks before the others, and i didn't respond to the others, but the next day she called me. i asked her to leave me alone, and that i didn't think we could ever be friends. she said she didn't blame me (sounding very sad), the she asked in an emotional voice if i was happy. i told her i was doing fine. then i told her i didn't like her very much, and again she said she didn't blame me and understood. god i love her!

 

what am i supposed to do? if i let her back in, (i am darn sure she was testing the waters dispite what she texted me.) i think she would screw me over again and again and again. now i have texted her a few times asking what she wanted to tell me, and that i could listen now, but no response. i wish she would move away. i was doing much better until the brief contact. is she in a rebound? i really want to know. honestly i want to know if she is unhappy, thats not cool and i know it, but i WANT to know. wasted energy.

 

what do you think? i have googled rebound relationships a lot, and reading the facts sure help, and make me feel better. i want to know if she is unhappy because knowing that might make me feel like we really ment something to her. her moving in with this guy so soon made me feel like we NEVER mattered to her, and i think that is what hurts the most.

 

i have my health, and come to find out many of the girle like me, but talk about too soon. i just is and i hate it because i have meet some really nice people in these 5 months.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

just found out my ex left me for another girl. they started being in a relationship less than two weeks after he dumped me. he lied to me about her several times and never said she was why we broke up. said it was bc he wanted to be single O.o it just stings. my instincts tell me it's a rebound. he was upset about our relationship bc of the distance. i don't think proximity makes for a good relationship. i don't ever want him back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

So nearly a month now of NC (together 6 years, moved in with new guy within a month of leaving last november.. got back together briefly, now back with her guy).

 

I guess I went NC for 2 reasons:

 

First was that i was purely and simply emotionally drained. She was in constant contact telling me she missed me, loved me but couldn't be with me, came to house, had intimate sex chats over messenger. The works, yet she stayed with this guy. I finally realised I had to walk away when after another week of all the above, I found out literally hours after her last sms she had gone a 5 day romantic holiday with her guy. Go figure. I didnt tell her I was going NC. I just walked away. There have been a few messages in the early weeks but she knows I knew about the trip. Nothing in the last few weeks.

 

Secondly, after reading these threads exhaustively I guess I wanted her to feel what its like to live life truly without me anymore. For 9 months her relationship with her boyf has had me there in the background as emotional support or whatever. Now its time for her to live with the choices she has made and thats a life without me. AS everyone keeps saying, she cant miss something thats not gone.

 

Maybe she will eventually miss me. I dont know. Maybe she will miss me but be happy with her choice and this isnt a rebound. All I know is that going NC is the only way to heal. 9 months on and I hadnt moved on at all. In fact, as we approach 1 month NC i have been extremely emotional and have just simply broke down several time over the last week. I think I am grieving and accepting that she is gone for good. I dont know...any thoughts anyone. I feel so much like contacting her one more time as I did just disappear without a word. Sigh.

 

I feel like before this happened I was sat on a beautiful balcony on a gorgeous villa overlooking the ocean on a perfect summers day then all of a sudden a huge wave came and just destroyed everything in the blink of an eye. ](*,)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...