Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[jaylh25]

my stories similar to everyones else...ex walked out the house we shared together for 2 years, a relationship of 6 and was with a guy within days.. this was 4 months ago.. she's moved into a new place with him. during all this she was messaging me a lot talking about us etc etc sending me pics of us in happier times on the blackberry messenger...

 

a month ago she wanted to talk (interestingly 3 month mark) but nothing came of it.. in the end she said she couldnt come back.. messages continued until 2 weeks ago when I just had to tell her I had to go NC as I realised she was never coming back and it was time we had some time apart so we could move on..

 

During these last few weeks ive accepted a job in another country (although its only 300k down the road) and yesterday sold the house.

 

apparently this has not gone down too well with her and she has told a friends gf she feels "i am just washing my hands" of her... last night i saw she has deleted me off all her online chat accounts and her blackberry messenger..all this after finding out about the house..

 

I have absolutely no idea why she has reacted like this.. She has been living with a guy and im just trying to put this crap behind me and move on.

 

anyone got any take on it?

[endgame]

Hi! I've been lurking on this thread the whole day after finding it yesterday. Read all 56 pages in a day since it's just so interesting with insightful information.

 

My question about NC/LC is:

Would it still work if the reason why the dumpee wouldn't give the dumper another shot because he/she thought the dumper didn't love/care as much about him/her?

Because wouldn't going LC and then NC just validate that?

 

Yes, I strongly agree that going LC/NC is a great way to find oneself and improve. And it's not THE way to get someone back, but it MAY come along with the package as well.

 

Zorba, the great? =)

(Can I have advice for free since I'm a first time client? hahaha)

[Daria_Lane]

where IS Zorba? I miss the dude

[bbbbbbbbbbbb]

Girl dumped me, and I complained and whined about it at the time, tried to make her feel guilty, and told her that I disagreed about it being the best thing for each of us.

 

Went NC for 5 weeks. After that I sent a very short email saying, "I realize that I acted weird at the time, but I agree that breaking up was probably the best thing for us," hoping it would make me seem less whiny. I also added, "I hope you're doing well. Keep in touch."

 

Was this a mistake? Could I have ruined any ground I had gained from NC, or might it have had my intended effect of making me look less whiny/insecure? I'm mostly afraid that it made me look to "available," particularly the last line: "Keep in touch."

 

Any thoughts?

 

Was that a mistake?

[brknhrt]

Hey guys i have read all the posts and this has helped me alot.Ok my story is i was with ex for 11 years it had become verbally abusive on both sides.We had been argueing for weeks as she had moved her whole family into our house with out any of them contibuting,any way it wound up breaking us, i moved out and 3 days later she had booked a plane flight to florida.She was going there to see friends as we onced lived there for 5 years.Well on her trip she had seen an old friend and sparks flew.Well in 2 months time she has packed our house and sold what she could and moved to florida and has moved in with this person.In the two months she was still here we had contact daily and she continually told me that she still loved me and this was the hardest thing she has ever had to do.we have seen each other and and have still done the whole kissing and halding hands thing.we recentlly had this happen again as her daughter just gave birth to her first grand child.I was there and felt it was my place to be as i have helped raise this child for 11 years.Well since then we have had a huge argument and i contacted her new half and told them what was going on here and since then my ex has changed her phone number and has told me that she never wants to speak to me again.This kills me cause i still love her and want her back,guys any advise is well needed and is very appreciated thank you.

[FriendnorFoe]

Zorba, Frankly I am getting confused, all the relationship-gurus on this board have somethin diffrent to say. Yes I understand it has been established that you need to reconnect with yourself and move on but on the subject of contact Ive heard under no circumstances should you break NC until she calls, write her a final goodbye and goodluck with your life then go into NC, or go into NC and later down the road establish LC. Now I know it would be hard to give me advice cause everyone is diffrent, but she broke it off due to a loss of attraction and just getting bored, I wasnt rude and didnt yell, it was obvious I was upset, not blabberin' but kinda shocked, so I just took off after she told me without anything really to say to her. So not really bad terms but just a not very communicative break up, later told her mom goodbye and I wish you and your family the best down the road and now I have been in NC, I havent questioned any other method than just stickin' to NC until I started to read all the varying posts.

[Pandaman211]

This is a joke, right? LOL!

[canali]

Zorba ...great post from page 1...one of the best posts ive yet come accross...congrats!...at my stage of nearly 6 months broken up I have pretty much accepted things between my ex and I as per goodbye for good (well almost...don't even know if if want her back give some of the bs) ...3 months ago it was pure hell...now its more about using my anger aa an impetus to become a better person...and to truly dig ME more ..let's face it so many of us on here used a relationship (me included) as a way to enjoy life more have more fun and feel more 'complete'...a Jerry maguire film fallacy ("you complete me") ... my breakup is forcing me to grow up and really become more emotionally self sufficient...do I need love? Of course as fundamentally we are social creatures... but I am now trying to get that TLC by volunteering and making new friends and improving who I am as a human being on better terms with himself ...and I do want a woman too but first its time to really expand my heart and heal some recurring past wounds which if ignored will only make future relationships more problematic again...all the best in your own journey!

[artsman1]

I've been reading this thread and think the advice is great. I was wondering if the same philosophy would work if you're the dumper. Basically, I had to end my relationship of 4 months that was going well and we had a great connection because of my depression/OCD. I knew I was withdrawing from her, so I ended it to be honest and fair to her, said that we would just stay friends for now, and maybe it could work out in the future when I had mentally sorted myself out. This was heartbreaking for her, but she understood. 2 weeks after that, she got asked out by another guy and within a week and a half, they were BF/GF and doing everything together. I probably didn't help things by continuing to show interest by asking her out for lunch to tell her that my depression had lifted. It almost seems like the dumper/dumpee mentality has been reversed in our case...

 

However, I have strong inklings that it's a rebound, as it has moved at hyperspeed, the guy is the exact opposite of me, and they have nothing in common that I or anyone else who knows them can tell. Even when both me and rebound guy are around, she'll still lock eyes with me, or she'll look, then look away, then look back, which I've been told is a sign of interest. We've been in generally LC (we work together, so NC is impossible right now) and I still get the sense that there is something there (she had basically liked me for months prior to us getting together and had 10/10 interest in me, so I'm guessing she still have an emotional connection).

 

What would be the best thing to do in this case? I almost feel at this point staying her friend is detrimental to getting her back, as she now realizes that she can still have me if she wants, even though I was the dumper. Should I tell her that I have to reduce contact so that I can move on and wish her well with her new relationship? I feel this may work in my favour, but I'm not sure since the dumper/dumpee roles in our case are reversed.

 

Friends tell me that she says she's 100% emotionally invested in this guy now, but I find that hard to believe since it started 2 weeks after we broke up in a relationship she still wanted to be in.

[4dogs]

How about my situation?

She left me after three and a half years because she "loved me but wasnt in love with me"

We are 18. She goes away for college but I live down the block from her when she is home and last week when I found out she liked another guy I told her I couldnt speak to her until he is out of the picture. But she has only been home 2 days and already contacted me and told me she was angry I am changing AFTER the break up and she still likes this guy. But being home is VERY hard without talking to me. I told her, sorry, still cant speak to you and she told me im being immature to which I replied, "No, I just love you and myself too much to see this right now."

 

Do you guys think NC can work for me getting her back? I am determined because I KNOW I love her.

[Up and Down]

She is being selfish. She wants to have her cake and eat it to. She needs to understand that this is a difficult situation for her, she made her choice and must deal with the consequences, which is losing you. She doesn't get to pick and choose what makes her happy.

 

In any case if I was you, I would limit communication, if she contacts you again, telling her you are being immature, tell her it's not about her but rather about what you must do for yourself. After that cease contact...it is possible she may continue to bait you in order to talk to you.

[nauum]

I'm not sure if this has happened to me...please tell me how you all found out they had someone else?

[4dogs]

She told me.

[nomorelovish]

He told me. And it hurt like nothing else I've ever felt in my life. NC= the way to go.

[Crolla]

Hey i have been reading these articles and i really need help.

Me and my ex took a break two weeks ago and decided to split because we felt at this time in out lives it was getting a bit stressful (work, exams ect...) i have now regreted this soooo much and want her back. but silly me, took the advice in my head and told her i wanted her back (the typical male thing to do) and have been kind of talking to her on msn and text. then i started reading these articles about trying to avoid her.

she is seeing someone else now, and i was wondering if there could be hope for us, can anyone PLEASE help ? thanks. id do anything to get her back

[Cat76]

Hey i have been reading these articles and i really need help.

Me and my ex took a break two weeks ago and decided to split because we felt at this time in out lives it was getting a bit stressful (work, exams ect...) i have now regreted this soooo much and want her back. but silly me, took the advice in my head and told her i wanted her back (the typical male thing to do) and have been kind of talking to her on msn and text. then i started reading these articles about trying to avoid her.

she is seeing someone else now, and i was wondering if there could be hope for us, can anyone PLEASE help ? thanks. id do anything to get her back

 

WOW, she met someone else already!!! What do you talk about when you are in contact?

[Crolla]

WOW, she met someone else already!!! What do you talk about when you are in contact?

 

yeah, and i know him dont know how serious they are.

we just talk about general stuff really. i just really want her back so much. i want to know if this reverse psychology thing will work, coz the first week she text me sayin she started to miss me then a day or two after that is when i asked if she'd take me back. and i know now its a dumb * * * * in thing to do!

[Cat76]

yeah, and i know him dont know how serious they are.

we just talk about general stuff really. i just really want her back so much. i want to know if this reverse psychology thing will work, coz the first week she text me sayin she started to miss me then a day or two after that is when i asked if she'd take me back. and i know now its a dumb * * * * in thing to do!

 

Ok, now my devious female side (yes I do have one, but I don't use it) says she is doing it maybe to make you jealous. But it could be that it's an ego boost to know you will chase her. But this is just my opinion, obviously I don't know if she is like that.

 

So, if that's the case you should cut her off and just disappear and work on looking after yourself

 

How do you feel about not contacting her etc etc?

[Crolla]

she is a bit like that, not saying it to be big headed but she is a very sexy gal. she gets hit on... a lot... its anoying me she shared everything with me, including 2 secrets only her mum and brother know.. not even her friends know. so in a way i feel so special to her. i just want to know if this reverse psychology really works, coz i want her back so much! cant get her out my head, been out to bars clubs, but it is not helping. i want to contact her every minute of the day but i know i cant, so ive contacting her if she is on msn. or if she txts me first.

[lostsomewhere]

What if I'm getting the good side of her and her rebound bf is getting the stressful her? Would rebound pysc work?

[agtc]

When my ex dumped me 8 months ago, I didn't stop chasing him for 4 months and of course this only made things worse between us. What ended up happening was because I stayed in the picture for longer than I should after the break up, it made a stronger bond b/w him and the new person he's dating. So, yes I do tend to agree with your theory. I'm still testing it out to see what the results would be...been on strict NC now for over 3 mos and I hope to ride this out until the end of the year.

[Tanzi]

I have always been a true believer in the theory that we want what we think we cant have.

 

Love4life and Zackinlaw: Both very interesting theories. I agree to an extent with both of them.

 

tushboy: very good point. In this case the dumper could flit back and forth between two dumpees for ever. But then again, in some circumstances, this does happen or at least until one or both dumpees have enough of the situation and move on!!

 

Zorba made some very interesting points, particularly about taking the time to have a good look at your ex and about the failings in the relationship. Do you want them back because you are in panic mode?

 

All the above have played a part in my life over the last two years and I am hoping now to put the theory to the test again.

 

Heres my story. I will try to keep it short!!

 

I was dumped by my husband after 13 years together. He had found somebody else. In the beginning there was anger, tears, frustration and above all, unbearable pain. But there was also hate. All these feelings undoubtedly lead to arguments. The pain and anger lead to me to say a lot of horrible things. I made it easy for my husband to hate me at that stage and I guess he thought he had made the right decision. Then something else kicks in ... acceptance maybe? ... survival instinct? Whatever, but the arguments stopped and I became nice, sweet. I backed off. I even went out and bought him some stuff for his new place!! In short I never made it easy for him to go and even though he embarked on a relationship with this woman he was always contacting me and telling me how unhappy he was blah blah blah. The relationship has recently ended and he has since said that he will never have again what we had and how much he has lost.

 

However (and this is where the story gets complicated and puts the theory to test again ... and even again) in the meantime I met someone else. It was through a dating site. We hit it off and spoke on MSN (via webcam). As he lived more than 5 hours away it was weeks before we met. In short ... we met, I wasn't sure how I felt, I met up with someone else, slept with them and he found out. Our relationship had got quite intense on-line so to say he was gutted is an understatement. I felt awful but cooled the relationship down ... the reason being that I wasn't ready to do serious. He backed off and I, well, I did a complete U turn to my own surprise and basically we ended up falling back into a relationship. The more I saw of him, the more I fell for him, the more I fell for him, the more he seemed to be backing away. I call it the "push me-pull me syndrome". He couldn't quite forgive what I had done and the barriers were up. In the end he ended the relationship and despite deep down still not being sure how I felt about him I was gutted. Is this Zorba's panic theory? Do I really want him? God only knows.

 

This is where I find myself now. In the beginning we stayed in touch - it was how he wanted it. I have been there for him whenever he has wanted me. He would call regularly every 4 days or so. I kept on hoping that things would change and we would get back together so I have hung on always being there for him. This is where I have obviously gone wrong. On the odd occasions when I have tried to be strong and end the "friendship" he has expressed his sadness. I sense "something" but don't know what. But whatever I do, I never leave it long enough before I give in and ring him usually telling him that I need his friendship if nothing else. The pattern is always the same. He gets to me and, on occassions, I have sent him the odd text telling him I love him but at that point I hear nothing.

 

I think he is a decent man, whom I hurt very much. Up until recently I thought that he still had feelings for me. We even went away on holiday a couple of weeks ago. I tried to play it cool, failed miserably and he was very distant and I haven't heard from him since. The days before we went away I was being very confident about our "friends" status and he joked about us getting married!! So many U turns. I sent him a poignant text today referring to our relationship and telling him I loved him. Wrong again I know. The best thing from hereon is doing the whole NC thing. Whether it will work or not remains to be seen. But its all I have left. It seemed to work on my ex-husband and then again on me so who knows.

[Sheba]

Has this guy rebounded with another woman?

[Tanzi]

Not in the beginning. I am not so sure now. He has been more distant than usual which is why I decided that NC was now the only way to go.

[Tanzi]

Where is Zorba???