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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
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Thanks 'Up and down' for your response.

 

The two have only known each other for say 6 months. My ex got to know this other woman and her partner as friends initially. I was cool with this as it was no big deal to me. However near the end of our relationship they were becoming much more in contact and became closer. Although, as much as I love my ex she can be a bit of a drama seeker. You made a good point as to them both potentially being rebounds. The 'other woman' in this case having issues with her 'ex' not making commitment.

 

I have also been informed that they have both declared their undying love for one another (within a few weeks of being an 'item') which I believe is symptomatic of a 'rebound' relationship?

 

Question: Should I stay well clear and not to contact my ex while this relationship goes through its stages ?

Question: Do you think it would be unwise of me to send her a letter apologising and letting her know how much I care and love her?

 

Does anyone have any guidance on the above please?

 

Thanks

Steadfast

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My ex of seven years broke up with me two day's after she said she loved me. It was over a petty argument. I don't like to loose arguments, but who does right. Maybe I was a little over the top? This was about a month ago.

 

Well I saw her going home with another guy two day's after she broke up with me. I confronted her about it and him for about two weeks. I was basically a jerk. I apologized for my actions something I regret now. I could have just knocked him out but we are all adults here and that is just not acceptable. She was staying with him the whole time and lying to me about it. I would not care, but I have a 7.5 year old son with another women that my ex helped me raise. He is asking alot of questions. I can't just tell him she is dead.

 

I have currently stoped all contact with her and she can not see my son anymore. Now she is trying to contact me constantly when before I was trying to contact her all of the time. I do not know how her relationship is going with her rebound, but truthfully I don't care anymore. I love her, but I need to move on.

 

She saw me out with my friend and only a friend a women last night. All she and her new fling did is sit there and stare at us, and talk, and point. It was weird. They were to busy worring about me to even have there own fun. I think if I would have stayed in the picture it would be easier for her and her new sidekick to have a relationship. Truthfully I want it to fail because I am still a bit jealous. I also need time to heal of course, but I still need to have some fun.

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OK I understand the above, but I am wondering if this would apply to someone who has not left you for someone else, but is dealing with the pain he is suffering from his divorce, not the exwife, but missing his kids and not feeling like he can make anyone happy right now anymore because of all the stress he is under. Is there a chance that the above can still work? I am not going to try to contact him because I know how hurt he is, but I want him back more than anything and every other post here seems to say that I should move on as if he really loved me he wouldn't have left, but reading more of the posts in this particular forum it seems like it is possible. He loves me I know he does.

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I have also been informed that they have both declared their undying love for one another (within a few weeks of being an 'item') which I believe is symptomatic of a 'rebound' relationship?

 

Question: Should I stay well clear and not to contact my ex while this relationship goes through its stages ?

Question: Do you think it would be unwise of me to send her a letter apologising and letting her know how much I care and love her?

 

Does anyone have any guidance on the above please?

 

Thanks

Steadfast

 

Steadfast, I would stand well back and let what is going to happen take it's course. If they're already declaring their love for one another you're fueling the fire. Get out of there and cease anymore contact. Let the train crash begin!

 

As for the letter you've written, NO NO NO, burn it, keep it in a drawer or put it somewhere you can't easily get at it. Whatever you do, don't give it to her. If you hand it over, you give her more power, fuel the fire and stroke the ego. You wouldn't want to do that would you? So don't do it!

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I have started my healing process. I have been in no contact for a week now. She broke up with me a little over a month ago and within a few day's was with another kid. I say kid because I have no respect for him. I was in the picture with LC for three weeks and it just reinforced her and hurt me. The moment I went NC I felt like I had some control over the situation again. She did not have it all anymore. I will not be pushed around because I am broken down emotionally. I have always been the stronger person emotionally and physically in the relationship until she broke up with me. She took that from me that day. It was not hers to take even though I gave it to her freely. By god I am taking it back! I have already become physically stronger and more attractive. I am hitting the gym with a new found aggression that has allowed me to superceed all of my previouse acomplishments. I am down 20lbs, eating healthy, running 3-5 miles a day, and all my power exercises have increased in weight. I can see it in the mirror and it feels good.

 

Now I need to follow this up with the emotional side of things. This I am sorry to say is not going as well. At least now she does not and will not know this. She will not know my pain and suffering. I let her know for three weeks and it did nothing. I need to clear my head. I must remove the questions that are not mine to answer. It is time for me.

 

I am certain that soon she will be wondering or thinking of my son and I and what she has lost. She has hand made my 8 year old son's halloween costume for 7 years. Now she will have no part in this. I will be healing while she is masking her pain. I know it sounds mean and cruel, but I want her to feel. I do not know if she is capable of that right now. She seems so cold and has been cruel to me.

 

I am feeling better knowing I have some power and control over my actions once again. Now I just need to let her go and rebuild my ego. This is going to take a while because I used to have all the confidence in the world and an ego to match.

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hello everyone

 

after going through all the motions - googling 'how to win your ex back' - and all that rubbish, in a convoluted way i came accross stuff about rebound relationships... and then i happened upon this thread

 

i will start by saying that my story has a twist. i hope people will put their judgements aside and see me and my story for what it is - another human story. it could be you one day, we are all human. i am a good person, i just live under very trying circumstances, doing my best

 

so, i am 38 and married with 2 children. one is 13, the other 7. i have been married since i was 19. obviously for me, this was too young. but here we are all those years later and im sticking with it for my children. my husband is not a bad man at all. quite the contrary. its just i dont love him any more. it happens

 

back in may this year i joined facebook (yeah, ohhh dear!) and along comes this young man. he was about to turn 29. he chatted me up. i went along with it. no dirty talk from him, he was charming and very complimentary towards me. he seemed genuine (and he is, to this very day)

 

eventually he asked me to meet him for a drink. i turned him down a few times. somehow it didnt seem important that after a week of chatting to him i had not told him i was married with children. but he assumed i was single i guess. i initially used the excuse that he was too young for me. but he kept trying, and eventually i gave in and we met for a drink. i sleepwalked into it, probably thinking there would be no connection, and that would be that - end of story

 

not the case. he bounded up to me and was like WOW. he was in to me from the get-go. a few drinks later and we were holding hands. something in me just felt like taking that leap, and he felt the same

 

he made it clear that he wanted a girlfriend, that he hated being single. when he was, he fell to pieces without someone else to share his life with. he even talked about 'making me so so happy' and wanting to introduce me to his mates, his family, even taking me on holiday. i just took all of it with a pinch of salt, but turns out he was serious

 

anyway, as the evening came to an end (but not before we ended up kissing the faces off each other in the pub) then i said 'look, im a busy woman. i have a job that takes me away alot. im just not on the market for a boyfriend'

 

his face dropped. but i said 'wait, before you get all sad on me. what i think i do want is a sex thing'. his face lit up. he wanted to book a room then and there. i told him we will do it sometime soon. a happy boy he was. i was in a daze and didnt even think of the consequences until i checked my phone the following day. he had left me 2 texts. one saying what a fab time he had the night before, the other telling me how happy he was going to make me

 

i replied with something like 'i had a great time too'. nothing over the top, because i wasnt feeling over the top. but he was. he was chasing me. because i was 'unavailable' and he was desperate

 

so a few weeks later we got a room. he paid for it. 4 star hotel. very nice. the sex was amazing. pure chemistry like i have never experienced. the first guy i had slept with since i married my husband. it was strange. being a cheater but with a previously perfect record of good behaviour. i felt guilty, but only in pangs and then it would fade. thats what you get when you feel like an emotional hostage, being held captive by your husband

 

anyway, back to the first time we slept together. he was already in love, or so he said. i think he was. infatuated would probably describe it best. he asked me if he could change his facebook relationship status to 'in a relationship'. i said i didnt really care, but he shouldnt put my name in there. (i have friends on facebook who know i am married. some know all about my dalliance, but most dont. but my status is not displayed anyway). he asked why i didnt want my name up there and i told him we had only just met, and besides it was 'just sex'. so his facebook relationship status became 'its complicated'. he was happy with that for now

 

im providing all this detail to give you some background on what this guy is like. but now i have hindsight

 

we saw each other half a dozen times, not always for sex. sometimes we would just go for a meal, or go see a band. i remember the night he told me he was falling for me - hard. thats when i fell in love with him. i completely adored everything about him. and he felt the same. happy days

 

then in july we were texting and he wanted me to go somewhere with him, and obviously because i have obligations that he was unaware of, he thought i was just making excuses and i wasnt interested. far from it. i just said i was trying to make room for him but i was busy

 

i was actually walking to collect my youngest child from school while we had this ongoing text conversation. eventually he suspected. i knew he would

 

he asked me 'whats up? are you married? got kids?'

 

'both. im so sorry' i replied

 

'got what you wanted, eh?' he said

 

he told me later that he was devastated. he was just a bit on the side. i didnt love him

 

'it doesnt change how i feel about you' i said

 

i genuinely thought he would just dump me via text on the spot. but he didnt, he said 'call me - when you get the chance (sarcasm)'

 

so later i called. relieved but emotional. crying in my car parked on a side road away from my house. i told him about my situation, and how unhappy i was being married but yet i couldnt move away from it

 

i apologised for lying. he forgave me, he said 'its ok, i love you. i can make it ok for you'

 

we were both emotional. we were in love. i still believe that was the case

 

time passed and i got to know him better. he told me about his other relationships. the major one ended 2 years ago. he was with a single mum who had a baby for 8 years. he took them on. the baby needed a dad. he was complete and content. until the day he discovered that for 2 years his girlfriend had been cheating on him with a mutual friend. it nearly killed him. he literally almost threw himself into the thames, except that he knew the child he had grown to love would still need him

 

initially his love for me (and his desire to be in a stable relationship with children) made him want to do the same for me and my children. but i always had reservations. and i told him this. even if i split with my husband, he would still be their dad. if i ever embarked on another relationship, then it would be for me, not the whole step-family scenario. no way

 

also he is convinced he is infertile. i said get tested. he became annoyed so i didnt persue it. he said he would rather live with the 'maybe' than having to hear for sure that he is definitely infertile

 

as time went by we still loved each other but he became increasing miserable with the situation. he decided he couldnt do it long-term, not after all the hurt he had suffered before by getting involved with another woman who already had a child. he also lost his job and was still living with his parents, so relations there were bad. they are emigrating to australia very soon and basically want him out of the way

 

no job, no propects. borrowing money and moonlighting to get by. doing weed and drinking too much. and now, in a relationship with 'my perfect woman, who comes with too much baggage'

 

yes, i could see the end. even though we truly do love each other, it cant be. no matter which way we sliced it, we came back to the conclusion that it just wouldnt work. love alone was not enough

 

he said to me that one day i would have to watch him walk away. he has a hard time with guilt, and he said is was hard to even comprehend, but he needed more. one day, he would find someone who was just like me, only minus the baggage

 

i totally understand and sympathise with him - because i have empathy for him and i love him dearly. and he understood why i couldnt just throw my familys life into chaos by being with him

 

it was just a matter of time. a very short amount of time in fact. 3 weeks ago he asked me how i would feel if he met someone else. i said i would be devasted but i would understand. but it would take him another 2 weeks to 'have the balls' to break the news to me. even though in that 2 week period we talked every day and met up twice, he didnt make the break. his facebook status remained 'its complicated'. we sat in a bar and he told me we would 'always have an arrangement', 'i would always have him', and that 'no bint could ever replace you'. did i buy that? not really. but he believed it. he looked so sad, so sorry. he didnt want to have to hurt me. he loved me, but he needed more. he should have ended it when he found out i was married, but his feeling got in the way. he said all this to me

 

turns out that 4 weeks ago he added a woman on facebook. i remember because she looks astonishingly like me. alarm bells went off in my head

 

one night i messaged him on facebook (our main point of contact) saying 'obviously im wondering if you are with a bint'

 

i knew what was coming. but he delayed replying until he realised it was late and i had gone to bed. he replied saying 'babes, i cant lie to you, i am. i am so sorry'

 

i woke up to find that one line staring at me the next morning. ive been married a long time. i havent experienced anything like this since i was 17. even then it was nothing compared to this. i was a kid then with no real idea of what love is. not now though

 

during the course of that day i called him, no answer. i texted him, no reply. eventually when he got back to me. he was in bits and wanted to just blot it all out. i told him 'its ok, i dont blame you. but **** this hurts so much'

 

'i know' he said, 'im sooo sorry'

 

i believe him when he tells me he isnt a cheater, and it wasnt until i officially knew that he had been seeing this other woman for 2 weeks tops, that he felt he could go for her, having dropped me

 

he tells me he cant see them splitting up anytime soon and he has to be faithful (which i knew would be the case all along. he seems to be a nice guy. he wants to be the good guy). im thinking not split up any time soon? you just met!

 

i actually met up with him post-split less than a week ago. i told him i just wanted some peace of mind, so he agreed

 

the new girlfriend had seen my picture and number on his phone and asked who i was, he told her i was just a mate. he had told her that he was viviting his aunt, when in fact he was seeing me. he told me 'if it goes pear-shaped which it probably will, we are back on'. i didnt reply, i was too busy crying coz i had one too many drinks. we kissed. we held hands. i put my arms around him and he said 'god, dont so that or i will!' 'will what?' i said. '**** you' he replied, and he wasnt joking, i could see how excited he was. so the sexual connection is still there. but i told him i didnt want to tempt him. still, he refused to let go of my hand

 

things he has told me about the new woman: she looks like me (minus the baggage), she can drink him under the table on redbull and vodka (and thats saying something), she is like me in 100 ways, she even has hands like me. oh look, he got himself a replacement. actually - i pride myself on not being bitter. sod that

 

within 2 days of delivering the initial news to me, he changed his facebook status to 'in a relationship', then the next day 'in a relationship with (the womans name)', evidently having to OK it with her first

 

interestingly, she has no such info on her page. yeah, i can see it, always could, its a public profile. i can see that they drink alot. he spent the last 4 days at her place in the same pair of jeans

 

since the split we have been in LC (well, actually daily, but compared to before, its LC) i have not been particularly needy, i have not begged, i have agreed with him its for the best. he still loves me. he knows i love him

 

today we spoke and he tells me he is moving in with her in a weeks time (handy, as he is soon to be homeless). he is 'going to croatia over the new year, bla bla bla' (yes, shes croatian)

 

all this in less than a month since meeting her. and i dont know he will pay rent or for a trip to croatia without a job

 

i said 'just be careful', he replied 'i will'

 

for the first time in forever, i havent replied. i could have. i could have said 'woah what the hell are you doing? too soon! sounds like your are rebounding coz you desperate for happiness' (his words)

 

but i didnt. alarmed though i am, i will not say anything else on the matter. hes smart enough to realise what im thinking. i can well imagine what his friends and family think of all this. maybe they are used to it

 

we are still facebook friends, in fact - we are still friends, and he wants to stay in contact. even though he must know i am now privy to his new relationship. he must know its been killing me, and he is sorry. but i have shown him already that i 'feel the fear and do it anyway' by not doing a facebook disappearing act. thats always been my way of dealing with stuff. unlike him, who cant stand drama and arguments and would leave a room rather than fight it out

 

now, i know we have no long-term future. never say never maybe, but i am not in denial about that

 

what i do know is that we are a special item, i was perfect for him and he was for me. i just came with too much baggage. although he has his own also, evidently

 

so i think i will go NC. i dont know for how long, but thats my plan. make my presense fely a little bit on facebook, but no direct contact with him. or maybe ill just go NC. but i use facebook for keeping up to date with other people, so im not sure. but no direct contact with him for now. i am going to sit back, continue to collect myself together, and watch this new relationship unfold. if he does contact me about this new relationship, i will be supportive, but thats it

 

maybe i will eventually get over him. in the meantime i wait to see if the new woman flees once she realises what shes got involved with. granted, he is a lovely man, a good man, charming, funny. those are his good points though. he must have really high hopes for this one. he admits himself that he cant stand being single and that he has rarely been single, and when he is, he goes to bits and has no direction. we shall see. it will be my own private soap opera. sort of like the off-spin of my original soap opera with him. gotta maintain a sense of humour aint ya?

 

and if she does flee, i might want him back in some capacity or other. until another new woman comes along, obviously. i cant see myself separated from my husband in the foreseeable future while the kids are young. and i really dont need a relationship to validate me anyway, which is how he seems to operate. but if there is a next time, i will be a different person i think. or i wont. but that is life, and that is love. face the fear, do it anyway

 

over the last day or so i have been reading this thread and empowering myself. i dont hate him, i dont feel bitter. i have learned so much. thankyou everybody

 

i have 2 girlfriends i have confided in, but they can only help so much. maybe those of you here who are experienced in these things can give me a helping hand

 

if you have got to the end of my saga, then i applaud you and thank you. i really appreciate it. any input would be welcome. one proviso, please: theres no point in passing judgement on my unfaithfulness. i am human. we all are

 

 

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Thanks for your valued advice Craigiebabe.

 

In a way I had started to pre-empt the answers as soon as I had posted my challenge.

 

Regards the 'inevitable crash'. A number of people have suggested similar, however this could take ‘whenever’, if ever.

 

I’ve become strong enough over the past week to say a couple of things, ‘yeah I am patient’ and ‘if if reconciliation never happens’…. so what !

I can’t interfere with her new ‘love’, nor can I be impatient. So NC. And wait.

 

With this in my mind I am feeling more at ease. I believe this is because I have known this person for such a long time that I know her traits and I’m confident that this ‘fad’ may die away as quick as it started.

 

The letter I wrote, I have now read a dozen or more times. I have never sent it but studied what I had written closely. The more I thought about what I had written the more and more pathetic I would look in my gf eyes. I am now glad I never sent it, but in hindsight it did prove to be therapeutic in letting go. Furthermore, it has allowed me to measure how far I’ve healed in the past few weeks. But don’t misunderstand me, I am still healing and no doubt have a fair way to go. I still miss her.

 

But what I’ve learned is that if you truly loved your ex, and you loved the relationship that you were both in, then to give any outside chance of reconciliation you need to be disciplined with ‘you’. I’m also not misguided in kidding myself that ‘I’m going to get my ex back’; but I would rather give myself a fighting chance than no chance at all.

 

If she comes back then I’ll evaluate the situation at that time and not until then. Given that in time I may have healed.

 

Self discipline = self preservation.

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Regards the 'inevitable crash'. A number of people have suggested similar, however this could take ‘whenever’, if ever.

 

I’ve become strong enough over the past week to say a couple of things, ‘yeah I am patient’ and ‘if if reconciliation never happens’…. so what !

I can’t interfere with her new ‘love’, nor can I be impatient. So NC. And wait.

 

With this in my mind I am feeling more at ease. I believe this is because I have known this person for such a long time that I know her traits and I’m confident that this ‘fad’ may die away as quick as it started.

 

More than likely the crash will happen. There will be a bump in the road and away you go!

 

Wow... I can tell you're strong already! You're right, you can't interfere with the new 'love' and I can't interfere with my ex's new love. Let them both go away and learn their lessons in the meantime you'll get yourself mended, looking good and I'll be doing the same. I'm 37 days into NC now and there is NO CHANCE I'll break it. She'll have to initiate it or she'll never see me again. It's that simple.

 

At the start I was getting green eyes and jealous of the thought of her having sex with someone else, but hey... I'm a mature adult and I probably won't want her back anyway so why worry about that?

 

I'd be interested to know if (sorry, WHEN) your ex makes contact. Send me a PM when it happens. I'll do the same and I'm going to post it somewhere when she does. I'm going to say next March/April is when it'll happen for me. Let's see if I'm right (I'm not a betting man though!)

 

The letter I wrote, I have now read a dozen or more times. I have never sent it but studied what I had written closely. The more I thought about what I had written the more and more pathetic I would look in my gf eyes. I am now glad I never sent it, but in hindsight it did prove to be therapeutic in letting go. Furthermore, it has allowed me to measure how far I’ve healed in the past few weeks. But don’t misunderstand me, I am still healing and no doubt have a fair way to go. I still miss her.

 

Good stuff. Funny how when you read it a few times it looks so weak and pathetic doesn't it! Hang onto it for now and read it again in 6 months or a year’s time. You'll laugh and think 'I can't believe I was going to post that **** to her! I'm so glad I didn't I would have looked like a right wuss'.

 

You've still got miles of healing ahead of you and it’s the same for me too. 5 weeks and I'm feeling pretty good. I suspect it'll take 5-6 months to get her right out of my blood stream etc but I’m feeling good now.

 

But what I’ve learned is that if you truly loved your ex, and you loved the relationship that you were both in, then to give any outside chance of reconciliation you need to be disciplined with ‘you’. I’m also not misguided in kidding myself that ‘I’m going to get my ex back’; but I would rather give myself a fighting chance than no chance at all.

 

If she comes back then I’ll evaluate the situation at that time and not until then. Given that in time I may have healed.

 

Self discipline = self preservation.

 

I don't know what to say! I'll take my hat off to you. You've so figured this out haven't you!!!!

 

A gold star for you I think. I'll be making the same decision as you when the situation arises and not before. In the meantime it's healing and ME ME ME all the way.

 

Really glad to see you're well on the way to getting mended. Doesn't it feel good?

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Craigiebabe,

 

Thanks for your encouragement. It is difficult and you will have good days as well as bad days. I’ve experienced the process of self pity, anger and now determination and not to be ****** about. You will probably experience the same.

 

My NC started on the very day I left our home. 1st Sept and have personally been on NC since.

 

I have never once initiated any contact.

 

However, it has not been that simple. No matter how much I attempt complete NC, she initiates a text message requesting this or that. It is mainly LC but sporadic. Can be weeks apart.

 

Her main reason for contacting me was financial and as I was previously responsible for some or part of our responsibilities so I assisted and gave her money. However, I am aware that she has ‘blown’ the cash I gave to her and now she’s contacted me again with a request for more assistance.

 

This happened about two weeks ago and I explained that she was no longer my responsibility and I am not in a position to assist her with cash. This was received extremely negatively and her response was acid. The reason, she longer had me in her control.

 

My response was to put her in her place and in a carefully worded response (Controlled, mature and in good mannered) made it clear that I would not tolerate being used or her behaviour. She responded with sorry's etc and wants to meet to ‘clear the air’. Mmm! More like money talk!

 

If I have a financial responsibility, then I will pay my way.

 

 

But this is it….I don’t want to meet her for the simple reason I want to continue with the NC. I want her to miss me. I don’t want her prying into my life; I want to be a mystery to her. I don’t want her to wean herself off me slowly and use me as the ‘weaner’ for that reason. In fact I’m enjoying NC and it disappoints me when she tries to make contact with me.

 

I would also recommend that we all follow Zorbas advice as to NOT to go absolutely cold contact, to act or appear petulant. I think Zorba has it right on here, as I feel that this will totally close any avenues down for later reconciliation. Be smart be friendly, but unavailable.

 

So, I’ve made myself available, but only when she contacts me, and as and when it suits me to respond. I delay responses by hours, sometimes or a day or so. I never speak. I only respond by text message. I’m trying to control my situation.

 

But will I meet her? I think I will avoid this meeting and let her miss me. If I decline the opportunity of a meeting, she may see this as a ‘why doesn’t he want to see me’?? This may prove to confuse her more. I just need to stay disciplined. Or should I meet her and let her see what she’s missing? Advice please?

 

Your comment Craigiebabe about a ‘bump’!

Now this is where I think the crash may start. (The Bump)

In all our time together she never wanted for anything. I spoilt us rotten. We were very lucky as money was never an issue. However, she has now lost the lifestyle and security that she had become used to, but now still tries to live the same lifestyle but is in fact living beyond her means. Spend spend spend !

 

I would never consider ‘buying’ her, or enticing her with money etc, so that’s out. But when the harsh reality sets in that she has to pay her own way in life, is when possibly, and the probability, that she will then start to think on her decision to split with me? I will let the rebound deal with these issues as they are no longer mine. In fact I’ve loads of cash to spend on me now. Wow! (Me, Me, Me taking your advice)

 

Don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying this is about money, it ain’t. But what I am saying most domestics, splits and divorces ultimately are sparked and start regards financial issues. This is no different. The honeymoon will be over. If anything it should prove to be a wake up call.

 

But do you know the one thing that has helped me get through the NC…. I’m confident if I handle this based upon the advice given on this and other threads, I genuinely KNOW that she will one day come running back to me. I will then make my mind up. And only then.

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It is difficult and you will have good days as well as bad days. I’ve experienced the process of self pity, anger and now determination and not to be ****** about. You will probably experience the same.

 

My NC started on the very day I left our home. 1st Sept and have personally been on NC since.

 

I have never once initiated any contact.

 

Yeah I've been through the emotional 'stages' too, it's a great sign as you go from one to the other though. A good progress indicator I reckon!

 

What a top man! Me neither, NEVER initiate and remain the NC superhero!

 

However, it has not been that simple. No matter how much I attempt complete NC, she initiates a text message requesting this or that. It is mainly LC but sporadic. Can be weeks apart.

 

This happened about two weeks ago and I explained that she was no longer my responsibility and I am not in a position to assist her with cash. This was received extremely negatively and her response was acid. The reason, she longer had me in her control.

 

My response was to put her in her place and in a carefully worded response (Controlled, mature and in good mannered) made it clear that I would not tolerate being used or her behaviour. She responded with sorry's etc and wants to meet to ‘clear the air’. Mmm! More like money talk!

 

If I have a financial responsibility, then I will pay my way.

 

Bang on the money with that one. She wanted to meet to talk about cash. Well observed! Stick to your guns on this one, anything that was joint is fair game as you say. Anything else is HER problem now, end of. Welcome to the real world baby.

 

But this is it….I don’t want to meet her for the simple reason I want to continue with the NC. I want her to miss me. I don’t want her prying into my life; I want to be a mystery to her. I don’t want her to wean herself off me slowly and use me as the ‘weaner’ for that reason. In fact I’m enjoying NC and it disappoints me when she tries to make contact with me.

 

You got it mate. DON'T meet her. Keep up the mystery etc. NO WAY do you meet. Do everything by text message and through our beloved postal system. It’s too early for this and you know the agenda already. It’s nothing to do with reconciliation so no need to bother.

 

I would also recommend that we all follow Zorbas advice as to NOT to go absolutely cold contact, to act or appear petulant. I think Zorba has it right on here, as I feel that this will totally close any avenues down for later reconciliation. Be smart be friendly, but unavailable.

 

So, I’ve made myself available, but only when she contacts me, and as and when it suits me to respond. I delay responses by hours, sometimes or a day or so. I never speak. I only respond by text message. I’m trying to control my situation.

 

Totally agree on that. Zorba has posted some great stuff on here. Never close off that 'opportunity' but like you say friendly & unavailable is KEY to it all.

 

Your 'delayed' responses are perfectly timed, you've turned into a professional already!

 

But will I meet her? I think I will avoid this meeting and let her miss me. If I decline the opportunity of a meeting, she may see this as a ‘why doesn’t he want to see me’?? This may prove to confuse her more. I just need to stay disciplined. Or should I meet her and let her see what she’s missing? Advice please?

 

You've already answered your own question. Stay away mate. Text message and postal system is all she needs. No reason to see you at all as you already know why.

 

Your comment Craigiebabe about a ‘bump’!

Now this is where I think the crash may start. (The Bump)

In all our time together she never wanted for anything. I spoilt us rotten. We were very lucky as money was never an issue. However, she has now lost the lifestyle and security that she had become used to, but now still tries to live the same lifestyle but is in fact living beyond her means. Spend spend spend !

 

I would never consider ‘buying’ her, or enticing her with money etc, so that’s out. But when the harsh reality sets in that she has to pay her own way in life, is when possibly, and the probability, that she will then start to think on her decision to split with me? I will let the rebound deal with these issues as they are no longer mine. In fact I’ve loads of cash to spend on me now. Wow! (Me, Me, Me taking your advice)

 

Don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying this is about money, it ain’t. But what I am saying most domestics, splits and divorces ultimately are sparked and start regards financial issues. This is no different. The honeymoon will be over. If anything it should prove to be a wake up call.

 

But do you know the one thing that has helped me get through the NC…. I’m confident if I handle this based upon the advice given on this and other threads, I genuinely KNOW that she will one day come running back to me. I will then make my mind up. And only then.

 

The cash flow thing will certainly contribute to her 'missing you' and that will be the same for my ex. I think it will only play a small part thought unless she's a bit shallow. I guess only you can answer that question!

 

Treat yourself to some new clothes etc and spend YOUR cash on YOU. I've bought some new clothes this week and I'll probably go pickup a playstation 3 on the way home tomorrow night. Next will be a new car I think!

 

Yeah you CAN handle this steadfast and you KNOW you can (as you've said). I think the same thing, I'm pretty confident (or smug) my ex will come crawling back and same as you (and others) I'll make a decision based upon the information I have at THAT point in time and not the here and now (where we are working 'blind').

 

Another pat on the back steadfast. This forum really give you strength doesn't it? I wish I'd have discovered it sooner to be honest. It's a goldmine of comfort, support and inspiration really.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I stumbled accross this thread looking for advice on NC. I thought I'd share my story.

 

Last year, my ex started dating someone else around two weeks after we broke up. I went NC and a month later, I initiated contact again. He told me he was still in love with me and wanted to be with me over this new girl. We got back together after he left her, maybe a month later.

 

This year, we're in the same situation only I'm the one dating someone else. We were NC for two months, during which I did miss him and wonder if I had made a mistake. However when I started talking to him again, I realized that it wouldn't work out between us (too much drama, he hurt me too many times, etc) and ended up staying with the new guy.

 

I don't really know what things would be like if we were still NC, but I think it all depends on how you act when you break it. If my ex wasn't acting the way he is now (see other threads) I'd still be torn over what I should do - stay with the new guy or go back to the ex.

 

Iusman, I don't think you should.

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I have totally cut of contact with her after 5 weeks of LC. I was sick of being there for her to yell at and release her anger when I was in LC. This is not my job it is the new guy's job.

 

after 5 day's of NC she tried to contact me I ignored it. Then again after 10 day's of NC she tried again I ignored it. This time she wanted to know something, but added in a voicemail "will you please just call me", and then a text that said "please just give me an answer". I told her plain and simple in a very nice way why I was going NC. That it was for her and I.

 

This is the point of it. She has to know that she has no control over me anymore. She also needs to know what it is like to live without my son and I completely. This is how it works. It has been hard for me but now I know it is actually affecting her.

 

When I am ready and when it doesn't matter to me if we get back together I will answer her. Part of me still thinks about getting back together, but I know that is not very likely so I do not dwell on it for to long.

 

 

I think I have a good chance of her coming back into my life. If it is just as a friendship then that is fine. We did love eachother for 7 years and that just doesn't go away in a month. She also helped raise my 8 year old son from an infant for 7 years so I have also severed that bond. She will also try to come back for him. She loves him still also.

 

I will not support her current rebound relationship. I am working hard on myself and working on letting her go this is the only thing I have control over.

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I was in NC for 12 days and she shows up at my house unanounced because she needed something. She was trying to call and text message me after 7 days but I ignored all of them. She asked why I was ignoring her and I told her i needed a break. All she said was "Don't flatter yourself." Very imature. She came to me not the other way around.

 

This has nothing to do with reconciliation though. She was just missing my son and I. Otherwise she would not go to this length for a $30 air mattress.

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SuperDaves: ‘How do you make them work hard top come back’

 

Your help and advice required.

 

Well the rebound ‘Bump’ has started.

 

Ex gf and I split 10 weeks ago and she immediately went into a same sex ‘rebound’ relationship. (I’m male).

 

I assumed it was a rebound due to the speed of how the new relationship developed.

 

All the criteria that all the top posters put on this forum are 100% correct.

 

Madly in love with each other within the first week with the new GF

Arranging a same sex wedding within two/three weeks GF, etc, etc

 

I stood back and let the whole circus continue. Occasionally she would make contact with me via messaging asking for help, trying to keep me as her emotional crutch whilst she enters into her new relationship etc, of which I responded with that she’s now not my responsibility and I’m ‘moving on’. Goodbye!

 

She’s now decided that the ‘new’ thing was not for her and she’s getting out of the rebound relationship and I know she is preparing herself in regards to asking for reconciliation. However, I’m confident that she knows that I won’t just accept her back, but I do dearly love her and have missed her dearly. I would like her back in my life.

 

Here is the advice I need:

 

SuperDave says; ‘make them work hard to come back’ and ‘don’t make it easy for them’.

 

What does he mean by this and how do I achieve this. Other than tell her that I’m not interested and potentially chase her away, or lose the control that I presently enjoy (Meaning, she doesn’t influence my life anymore), I don’t quite know how to deal with this? I would like her back

 

Oh and finally: When you want them to be with you, you can’t have them.

Now I’m asking myself whether I want her back. It’s given me a fantastic gift, Choice. It’s my choice. And when the time comes and she asks for reconciliation I’m going to take my time to make sure it’s a right decision.

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I have been doing alot of research lately on rebound relationships. i have checked out many forums that included many people that have been in them. Not to many good endings in i would say about 95% of the time. This is what I have come to realize is a certain pattern for them. My ex is in one I am sure because all of the signs are there.

 

She jumped in it a week after our breakup of seven years and she had just met him that night that she first went home with him.

 

She moved in with him in less than two weeks. Moving real fast.

 

She said that he has saved her from an addiction she had that was not true.

 

He has some similarities to me as far as career. None that are physical though.

 

She thinks they have so much in common but her friends that have met him see it differently.

 

She does not see it as a rebound but her family, friends, and I all know the truth.

 

I did this research because I wanted to know what to expect. I wanted to try to know what it was that she was in for. I nead to protect my son and I so I need to know what could happen. i have initiated no contact with her from my son and I. She is not my sons mother.

 

So here it goes for what I might have to expect from this.

 

Many of the people who have been in them have similar stories. The new person that they were with seemed so perfect and they seemed to be the one. they all thought that they were so much better than there ex. Even if they were not more physically atractive then their ex.

 

There ex stayed in the picture for a peroid of time usually a month or two. during this time the exes were begging, pleading, and pushing them away. I did this for a few weeks myself. But they were also reashuring the rebounder the whole time they were in another relationship that they still had the ex no matter what. This is what feeds the ego of the rebounder. Shure thing no matter what.

 

Most seemed to be numb to feeling anything for there ex during this period. Then the ex starts to pull a way little by little first with LC then to full NC. During this time the ex of the rebounder seems to undergo a transformation. We heal and we let go. We become more attractive. We live our lives without them.

 

During this time the rebounder is unaware of the ex and their transformation. they still think the ex is a sure thing even though they are in NC. There rebound relationship is going along well but then comes the crash soon to follow. it seems at around the 3-5 month mark of the rebound relationship in most cases the rebounder wakes up and realizes that the person they are with is not who they thought they were. it just happens usually a dream, a good memory, or they see their ex and it triggers it. They realize that their sure thing is gone. They realize that they do not love the new person and that they actually were still in love with the ex. they are no longer attracted to the new person. Then it starts to hurt them because they can no longer be comforted or numbed by the new person. they usually end it at this point. They are on day one at this point and do all the stuff that the ex did during the beginning of the breakup.

 

Here is when they may try to reconcile. But in most cases the ex has already moved on and reject the rebounder. Or in a worse case scenario they fall victim to another rebound and the cycle starts again. some people remain in this cycle forever after a long relationship. But it was all because of the initail breakup of the long term intimate relationship and the love that they still have for their ex. Many had actually thought that they did not love there ex anymore at all. We all know that you cannot just sweep the dust under the carpet and expect it to go away.

 

So take this as a warning they our ex who are in rebounds may come chasing back after you, but by then we will have healed and more than likely know better. They also might fall into the trap of relationship jumping from one bad rebound to the next. how sad huh.

 

so lets all move on and let them go.

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I have been doing alot of research lately on rebound relationships.

Information is always welcome, but we never know if the rebound relationship falls under the 95% or the other 5%...so, I consider this last sentence you wrote the most important thing in the whole post:

so lets all move on and let them go.

 

Thanks for the info.

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My ex gf rebounded 2 weeks after dumping me. We were going out for 2.5 years. Her and the rebound guy only lasted a total of 3 weeks on and off. I actually found out from the guy that she really "messed with his head"...supposedly she lied about many things to him to try to seduce him.

 

I agree with Robert. His research is very accurate as far as I'm concerned. I thought my ex was an exception but truth be told I am now a believer in the whole rebound relationship theories.

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I dated this guy for 9 years, while away on holiday he left me. He said, he didn't have enough time for me and wanted to concentrate on his PhD studies. I begged and said, we could sort it out. We were in contact after he left .. its been 6 months ... i found out last week, that he had been having an affair with someone at his department (she is completing her PhD) and that she left her husband to enter this relationship with my ex. Now, she, my ex and her 2 year daughter have moved in together - i am beside myself! I don't know what do ... i thought, we were okay ... and didn't see it coming at all!!! ... we were happy so i thought, and had set up a plan for the next 5 years .... i thought, I knew him ... and for him to do this ... its like we never were in a relationship .... i have called him to ask for closure to no reply. So am currently seeking counselling ... but i just want this feeling of loss .. a loss of my best friend/lover to go away ... can tell someone tell me that, this will go ....

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Hi Christine.

 

Ouch, that sounds pretty painful what your ex has done. I'm sorry you're hurting. Be less painful sticking your heart in the blender I would think.

 

The feelings of loss will subside eventually once you've gone through the emotional processes. That is a bumpy ride I'm afraid and there is no fast forward button. Once you get angry you'll know that you're progressing.

 

I learnt from my latest split that some people don't give you any closure at all. That is quite hard to swallow I know and it was a little alien to me. All my previous splits have been amicable and we always put each others thoughts to rest so I didn't have a thousand questions rattling around in my head.

 

Some people just bail out and then shut you out. You have to find closure yourself. I found closure by just accepting that she'd gone and didn't care about 'us' anymore.

 

It's fair to say that most people who 'dump' very quickly have already emotionally checked out prior to the event and it was all planned beforehand. It hurts to know that but it's true.

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Information is always welcome, but we never know if the rebound relationship falls under the 95% or the other 5%...so, I consider this last sentence you wrote the most important thing in the whole post:

 

 

Thanks for the info.

 

This info is very good. And good to remember as the healing ones enter new relationships. Take it very slow.

 

What is interesting about rebounds is the one story I heard from my old boss and very dear friend (and second mom!) about her daughter. She got out of a relationship that wasn't good. A few weeks later she met this great guy in one of her classes (she was a grad student at the time). They started as friends, and then started dating. Everyone told her he was a rebound and that it would never work out.

 

She married him 8 years later.

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