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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


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I get the impression that my ex's rebound is going to work out. She ran off to him the SAME day she dumped me and was "in love" by the end of the week. After a week of me grovelling I initiated NC and she started texting/emailing me. That just messed me up and I went a bit nuts sending really nice/really angry texts. Now we have no contact at all.

 

It's almost 3 months now and she's living with him. She's totally rushed into this and I've blown any chance of getting her back. She said she really misses me sometimes though.

 

I'm now in a phase where I want her back, but don't think I could get over what happened. It's horrible. I might text her happy birthday next week to show no hard feelings because I don't want to be enemies.

 

she's moving wayy too fast its ridiculous. whether she'll end up missing you or not, she'll definitely regret jumping into this new relationship

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she's moving wayy too fast its ridiculous. whether she'll end up missing you or not, she'll definitely regret jumping into this new relationship

 

I kind of hope she doesn't. I really don't want her to get hurt. I'm terrified that she gets really hurt by this guy. She is very good friends with his sister, and lives with him and his brother so she's like part of their family now.

 

What scares me, is that when I look at this guy and they way he acts, he just gives me a vibe that says "trouble". Throughout my life I've always been good at judging characters and I get a bad feeling from him. Maybe it is just because he has "stolen" my ex from me, but I don't know.

 

I thought I knew my ex well, and she proved me wrong, so I don't know.

 

I just fear this guy is a player and is going to use her until someone better comes along. I mean he went round to her house with chocolate to "cheer her up" while she was still with me. I say that is someone trying to get into someone else's pants. Although I don't know if my ex invited him/told him she was seeing someone so I can't really judge him on that.

 

They've rushed into it. He's a rebound. They work together. They have moved in too soon. They'll suffocate each other. In theory it's never going to work out, but I can see it lasting just because I know it will hurt me and I must deserve it somehow. I knew she'd run off with a barman as soon as she started in that place. It's so stereotypical it had to be true! I'm such a cynic...

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My Ex Gf is on the same road, after 3 good years w/ me she picks a lame fight long distance and jumps into a rebound with a rebounding older (55) married guy, he moved out of his house from his wife and 3 kids then bought the wife a new house and my ex stays at his house 5-6 nights a week. She has known him all of 2-3 months and they are playing house taking trips together with one of his kids. His wife is sideways pissed, I pushed letters and rent money and text on her until she asked for NC. and now I expect it to go very bad and have her change her mind about me- a really good guy that loves her deeply and has for years- Anyone ever see one like this come full circle?

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The only hope we have is that

 

a) She gets hurt and comes running

b) She realises that we were far more superior

c) We realise that we are better than them and deserve better

d) We find someone else

 

I imagine c) or d) will be the solutions in my case.

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The only hope we have is that

 

a) She gets hurt and comes running

b) She realises that we were far more superior

c) We realise that we are better than them and deserve better

d) We find someone else

 

I imagine c) or d) will be the solutions in my case.

 

In the event that she does get hurt and comes running back, who is to say that the next "green pasture" that she sees she wont be tempted to graze in. Meaning that is the worst possible way to get her back, she is only coming back for the emotional support and because she knows that you can be "counted on", well until the next guy comes along.

 

If she DOES realize that the rebound had nothing on you(which is secretly what Im hoping my ex realizes too..something tells me she already does) and comes crawling back, I hope that you would be in the position(same with me) to realize that WE are better than them and deserve more than their * * * * ty treatment of us. Let them grovel and ask for forgiveness before telling them that they just dont measure up to our current gfs. [dream world huh]..lol

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I did not blow it, I was great. No one is without faults of course, but there were no deal-breakers in our everyday life. I feel that past hurts, a bad childhood and an idealistic view of relationships caused her to leave. I have had many long term loves and thought FINALLY I found a life partner. I have read this board for 4 months every which way, tried to follow heartfelt advice and am still so lost...

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So she moved in with him way too fast. How long will they last?

 

 

There is no formula to know how long it will last. Could be weeks, could be years. All you can do is take care of you. For now you must move on and believe that she is not coming back. If she does ever you will be in a better place to decide if you want back into this relationship. If she doesn't, well you will be a better person period.

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So she moved in with him way too fast. How long will they last?

 

My gf moved in with her rebound a little after two months. Do I think its too fast? Of course but then im more than a little biased on the subject. I dont spend my time anymore wondering how long they will last, its been almost 3 months and from the little I know it seems like they are going on strong.

 

You remember back in high school when you were in a boring class, and how you just looked at the clock praying to god that the little hands would speed up?..but then you realized that the more you paid attention to the clock and stared at it the slower the time went. As soon as you actually listened and took your mind off of things that is ALWAYS when the bell would ring.

 

Pardon the streched out analogy..lol but that is how it will be with their relationship. The more you lose sleep tossing and turning at night worrying about it, the longer their relationship will last simply because it is etched in your mind. As soon as you become indifferent to it and start "truly" living your life...that will be the time that you find out that they are over.

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Or we can just admit that we sucked at being their boyfriend and they are better off without us.

 

I miss her so much, and I know I blew it.

 

No. I wont admit that simply because it isnt true. Yes I KNOW ive made mistakes but none that constituted cheating and lies. In my opinion my gf is the one that blew it(she now knows it) and she is the one that will be paying for it when she thinks back on this.

 

Same goes for you. I dont know all of the details in your story, but what does degrading yourself help? Were you abusive..physically or emotionally? Did you cheat? No one is perfect including our exs..its not healthy to look at the suitation like that. How about SHE blew it by letting the best thing in her life get away. By letting the man who would have walked through fire just to see her smile get away. (hope that wasnt too much..lol)

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No. I wont admit that simply because it isnt true. Yes I KNOW ive made mistakes but none that constituted cheating and lies. In my opinion my gf is the one that blew it(she now knows it) and she is the one that will be paying for it when she thinks back on this.

 

Same goes for you. I dont know all of the details in your story, but what does degrading yourself help? Were you abusive..physically or emotionally? Did you cheat? No one is perfect including our exs..its not healthy to look at the suitation like that. How about SHE blew it by letting the best thing in her life get away. By letting the man who would have walked through fire just to see her smile get away. (hope that wasnt too much..lol)

 

She was perfect for me, but I got scared 3 times and broke up with her. She lost trust and had to move on. I chickened out of my ideal partner

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Interesting Thread!

 

What about when the Dumper dumps the dumpee after a few months for a range of superficial reasons, the Dumpee meets someone else after a short time and the Dumper only at this point reveals they realised they had made a mistake but were too afraid to say it and from that point on tries hard to win the heart back of the Dumpee?

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Interesting Thread!

 

What about when the Dumper dumps the dumpee after a few months for a range of superficial reasons, the Dumpee meets someone else after a short time and the Dumper only at this point reveals they realised they had made a mistake but were too afraid to say it and from that point on tries hard to win the heart back of the Dumpee?

 

Then I would wonder whether the feelings of the dumper are sincere or is it just because someone else now has their "property". See in their mind you were theirs even after they dumped you they still saw you as belonging to them. SO how dare you move on and not only that..meet someone new??

 

I think that when their pride takes that kind of hit they want you back to massage it, and thats the only reason in that circumstance.

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What about in the case of someone who is so inexperienced in love (even in their thirties) that they didn't realise it til the dumpee was gone, but before the dumpee had moved on but in their lack of wisdom only realised the urgency to say something when the dumpee found someone new?

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What about in the case of someone who is so inexperienced in love (even in their thirties) that they didn't realise it til the dumpee was gone, but before the dumpee had moved on but in their lack of wisdom only realised the urgency to say something when the dumpee found someone new?

 

 

Why wait until the dumpee found someone new? Why all of this "urgency"? Because the dumper realizes that the dumpee is no longer pining for them and is moving on. Its like jolt to the system and it almost feels like some distorted betrayal even though they dumped you. Someone once said..you want what you cant have..but you want EVEN MORE what you thought you had and realize you dont have anymore. Rant Why do we want someone who only wants us when we are gone, or someone who wants us when we find someone new? Are we all of a sudden more valuable because they see that someone else treasures us?

 

Anywho..that is just my opinion on the matter..every suitation is different.

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  • 2 weeks later...

First I've to say that I'm not an english speaking person, as you see by my nick i'm a german. Sorry for some mistakes, i'll be making. The thread is wonderful in times like these.

 

As many people in this wonderful thraed i need some advise. After almost four years of relationship my grilfriend and i broke up. She said at this time she's not sure, if she loves me anymore. The next day, i got it. She has fallen in love to someone else. Till this time we had a quit stable and good and lovely realtionship with a few problems in the last months (stress in my job, stay in hospital, less sex than before but good sex).

A week later she came together with the guy she fall in love, they become a couple. I went on nc, almost, but the one time i saw her one week later, i made a mistake, i said things like "why? we're the perfekt coupling, our love is so big and pure, why do you do this?" she answered "I don't know? There's no many feelings left for you. I dont't no what is coming, but i don't want to give you hope." Things went on and we haven't had any contact till 11 days later, this time i was in controll of the situation. She was leaving our flat with her things and when i said 'good luck for the futur' she almost cried. That made me fool, the nest day she came back to pick the rest of her stuffs and i went there and beginn to talk to her and at one point i said "we're made for each other. why don't you come back' she again said ' i don'T know, i'm not sure, my feelings have changed to the other guy." Then we talked a little bit longer i enlighten my statement and talked about the past relationship, that made her sick and she siad she whished she could turn back the time. Then her rebound guy came and picked her with her things.

One important thing she leaves the country tomorrow for a college exchange for a half year.

Have i already destroyed all my chances of coming together again?

And what should i do, go on nc?

Is there any chance for a restart or should i bury all my hopes?

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One important thing she leaves the country tomorrow for a college exchange for a half year.

Have i already destroyed all my chances of coming together again?

And what should i do, go on nc?

Is there any chance for a restart or should i bury all my hopes?

 

As long as the two of you are still alive, there's always hope and no, you haven't destroyed all your chances. You did what 99% of people who are dumped seem to do, so don't stress yourself out about it.

 

Before you should even think about reconciliation, though, you need to stop contacting her as much as possible and work on yourself. Take this time to address any problems with your life, your well being, your money, your health, etc. Try your best to just keep your ex out of your mind. Don't think about her coming back, don't think about her being gone forever, don't think about her new relationship, don't think about her. It's hard, but even if you can force yourself to think about something else for a few hours, you're on the right track. Over time, you'll just naturally not think about her as much.

 

The process of 'getting yourself back' can take quite a few months and since she's with a new guy, I would lay off and stay out of her life completely during this process.

 

After awhile, you may find someone else and not want her back. Maybe she'll realize her new relationship isn't that great after the honeymoon period ends and she'll come back. Maybe she'll leave her relationship and start one with someone else. No one knows. The one thing you can do to best prepare for any of these outcomes is to once again be confident and happy with yourself.

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Hi there, I have read this thread from the start and I have found it inspirational. I want to tell you my story and to see if what I think is going on is correct.

 

My fiance and I had been together just short of 5 years and had been living together for 4. Overall we got on incredibly well, however, when I became ill our sex life did suffer due to the pain I was in, he was always supportive of this.

 

The usual other problems came and went, mainly due to money worries though.

 

Speed forward to this year and a distance grew between us, I spent a lot of time alone in our bedroom him downstairs with the damned PS3 his mum bought him for christmas. I tried on several occasions to talk to him, but it was never the right time, he was tired, he had just got in from work, he had just woken up, but I did try.

 

He works in a bar and and on separate occasions some sisters have both tried it on with him, he has always brushed this off though.

 

Fast forward to end of april/beginning of may, he went to work one saturday night and I discovered some pics of one of these sisters he had downloaded that day to MY laptop! When he came home from work that night, with 2 red roses as he did every saturday night for 4 years, I said to him why is that ugly trolls pic on my laptop? Massive argument ensues and ends with him admitting that the weekend before when he was drunk around his mates he had kissed her. I lose my temper and tell him to leave. He crys and says he never meant to hurt me.

 

He comes back the same night as he has no where to go, and after a couple of days i ask him to move back in as I think its just a kiss, even though it is who it was with that really bothered me. He said he isnt sure we have a future anymore as i'm 36 and he is 25 and he doesnt want to waste my time.

 

He then spends the next 3 weeks sleeping either on my sofa or on mates floors etc, this all ends when he moves in with this girl and her mum and stepdad in a 2 bedroomed flat with 6 cats!!!

 

I lose my temper again, but he is convinced he loves her, he says it feels like it did with me when we were first together, I said to him the honeymoon period doesnt last, and it wont last with her anymore than it has with me.

 

He cheats on her with me 5 times, but still says he doesnt see a future with us, even though Im his LOML (love of my life) his nickname for me.

 

I tell him he has just transfered the love he had for me to her, because he thought I didnt love him anymore. Lots of crying and everytime he comes round he hugs me and wont let go, kisses me. I behave very badly and threaten to tell her about him cheating on her with me, I call him every name under the sun and still he keeps coming round. Gives me the ILUINILWU * * * * , which really pisses me off.

 

He hasnt moved out any of his stuff, its still all here in our shared house, he said he likes having an excuse not to come round. I got so upset I text him and said I dont want to hear from you anymore, he replied saying he didnt want that but he respects me, he then stalks me on FB and texts one of my friends several times aday to check up on me. He then contacts me about picking up some stuff and comes round, I ask for my keys back, more tears on both sides and he said if he cannot have both of us in his life he doesnt want either of us, I said that isnt the answer, I was number one in your life for a long time and Im not going to play second fiddle to that skank!

 

He came round a few days ago and I was very upset as I had found a large lump in my breast and was very scared, he made me tell him what was wrong and when I did he collapsed on my floor weeping. He then went out and got drunk and smashed up some stuff and ripped his arm open, he said because he is hating what is happening to me, as Im the nicest person in the world and I dont deserve to be this unhappy and he hates himself for hurting the only person in his life who ever really loved him.

 

He says he wants me in his life forever and he doesnt think that this is the end, Ive said catagorically once his stuff has gone he has to let me move on with my life because he has and I need to heal myself, he doesnt seem to want to let me go for anything. His new girlfriend hates him coming round and trys to stop him, but he comes round anyway.

 

My question to the gurus of rebounding relationships, is he moved in straight away as he said he had nowhere to live and the love he says he has for her feels so forced to me. I now realise I am helping him sustain a relationship with her, thank you Zorba, but how do I NC, I find it hard to do this, and also do I tell my friend not to tell him how I am?

 

I love this guy so much, he is my soulmate and I want him back, Ive behaved badly since the breakup, hysterically, but he still keeps coming round, do I have any hope?

 

Sorry for the extremely long post, but this thread has saved me and any input would be gratefully received.

 

Congratulations to all those who managed to reconsile their relationships, and good luck to those like me, who still want them.

 

Thank you once again for reading my epic story

 

 

 

Leigh

 

p.s I forgot to put that he said he misses me all the time and thinks about me everyday and cannot sleep at night for worrying about me and missing me, its confusing though

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Hi everyone, I just got on this site, and I love it, it's very incouraging to find out that many people are going through what I am just going through.

 

My story is common, but I'm so depressed that I need help!!

 

I have been seeing my now Ex (hard to say ex) for 5 years, infact Sep/1st will be our 5yr anniversary.

 

We had a very good relationship, we were best friends, he was very dependent emotionally on me, sort of like a lost puppy when I met him, so he became very attached to me and me too of him.

 

About a month ago, I felt something was wrong, he was not calling me or texting me as often as he used to, when I asked him about it, he said "I think your thinking too much", I said I can't help it, women's intuitions, he said you don't have to worry about anything, I love you, I'm in love with you, and we will be together always, he even mentioned our anniversary, and said don't be silly, we have been through a lot, and we have build almost 5 years. I said ok I guess.

 

About two weeks ago, again I was noticing a decline in phone calls (2 times a day) and he would tell me ok, well text me tonite, and when I would text him, he would rush me, telling me that he's sleepy (at 10:30pm?). Again I confronted him, and asked him if he still feels the same way towards me, he said he was still in love with me, and he only wants me. I told him, I was very much in love with him also, and again he reminded me of our upcoming anniversary.

 

On Friday 8/22, he calls me from work, and tells me that this woman that he had met, had his number, and was calling him to ask him out, he asked me that he liked her and wanted to take up her invitation over a cup of coffee, I told him, I thought we were ok together, he said I don't know I'm confused, but I want to pursue this invitation.

 

I told him I cannot stop him, I told him do whatever you want and left it at that.

 

The next day, he called me and said he asked this woman out, and he was going to go for coffee on Sunday (I was supposed to meet him sunday!!), I was very worried, but I said ok, and told him "let me know when you want to break up then", he said your crazy, I'm only going for coffee.

 

That afternoon, I called him I told him how I felt, and all he could say was "I will always love you". Then I asked him do you want to break up, all he could say was "I will always love you, I don't want to hurt you" I asked him what do you want to do, he got really quiet then he said, "I want to breat up I guess", I said OK.

 

On Sunday I was not going to call him, but decided to call him and "plant a seed into his brain" I asked if he was ok, he said yes, he went out for coffee, and now wanted to take her out to a movie. I told him " I was still in love with him, and that he broke my heart, that he hurt me badly" at this point he started crying, calling me baby, I'm sorry, I never want to hurt you again", I told him dont' call me baby, reserve that for your new girlfriend, he said I want to be your friend always, I love you, I said that's bs, I want to know if you are in love with me, he said I guess not. I said ok bye.

 

Since this episode, I have not contacted him, and he has not contacted me. I'm so depressed because I'm in love with him, and want him. I know this is still very fresh and it hurts very much!!!

 

As I was reading these posts, I did notice a lot of advice of NC, and I like that very much, but it seems he's doing the same to me.

 

I'm very confused, I mean 2 weeks ago he told me he was in love, and now one call from another woman, and all of a sudden he's no longer interesed or in love with me, he does not even know if this woman will be interested in him. I don't know what to think anymore, please help, I'm crying all the time, I'm in so much pain.

 

Thank you anyone.

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Speaking of rebounds...something came to mind today.

I've searched for an answer to the question "how long does the honeymoon phase last?".

Of course, the answers I found were all from other forums, so they can't be really trusted.

Some people said 3-6 months, other people said 4-8 months, some people said that science tells us it lasts about 18-24 months...but one thing caught my attention.

 

Some people said that the honeymoon phase lasts longer in long distance relationships. Assuming it's true, here comes my question:

 

Would the opposite be true? If they see each other just everyday, would the honeymoon phase be shortened? Has anyone experienced this, or know someone who has?

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Speaking of rebounds...something came to mind today.

I've searched for an answer to the question "how long does the honeymoon phase last?".

Of course, the answers I found were all from other forums, so they can't be really trusted.

Some people said 3-6 months, other people said 4-8 months, some people said that science tells us it lasts about 18-24 months...but one thing caught my attention.

 

Some people said that the honeymoon phase lasts longer in long distance relationships. Assuming it's true, here comes my question:

 

Would the opposite be true? If they see each other just everyday, would the honeymoon phase be shortened? Has anyone experienced this, or know someone who has?

 

There's no real way to determine how long a honeymoon period lasts. Like everything relationship related, there are so many factors involved that can determine how long lived it may be.

 

How compatible are the two? Did their relationship start before the dust settled from the last one? How quickly is the relationship moving? How much support for the relationship do they have from friends and family? How old are they? How similar is their new person to their ex? Are both of the people 'rebounding' or just one? How long did they know each other before dating? You get the idea.

 

I'd imagine a long distance 'rebound' would last a bit longer, because it would take longer for incompatibilities to arise and it would be much harder for either person to be smothered by the other.

 

Either way, though, it doesn't matter. Like I've said, try your best to not even think about your ex, as it will just slow down your healing.

 

Plus, if they do come back, will you honestly be able to look them in the eye and tell them you love them while knowing that you spent half a year wishing the heartache of a breakup upon them?

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  • 1 month later...

In response to ‘Love4life, and ‘Zorbas’ threads on the dumpee and reverse

Psychology. Excellent reading and helpful.

 

Like others here I’ve been searching for guidance and direction following my split from gf.

 

Before I go on, what I would say is that my experience using the ‘walk away and you chase me’, reverse psychology can and does work, providing you are extremely disciplined and that there was a good historical connection between the two of you. However, if you think trying to come off any sort of addiction is hard then having been in love with someone who dumps you is even tougher.

 

My story is like most on this thread. Lost my partner of nine years. We had been together through all sorts of adversity, good times and were great together and loved each other dearly. That was until I failed her regards our intended future and postponed / cancelled our wedding due to business / finance issues. She basically lost her trust in me due to my failure to commit (Twice) and my selfishness after such lengthy wedding planning. Hence she lost attraction in me and probably seen that our time together was not worth further investment. Near the end we had started to argue, less sex which is all indicative of loss of attraction.

 

When we split she sent a number of text messages saying how much she cared for me and wished me well for the future. She actually has told family / friends (Who have called me to check and confirm that I am OK) that my ex GF she loves me dearly, but she is not in love with me anymore. Mmm?

 

We split 4 weeks ago. I have followed the advise most sites give, NC and LC, friendly, mysterious, get fit (Although do the gym 5 to 6 days a week anyway), improved look etc. I have never initiated any calls always waiting for her to contact me which she has done by text messaging. All messages return from me was friendly but short etc. There has been no ill feeling between us. If anything she has even tried to be friendly and joke in her texts. But dear God, this was so hurting not speaking or hearing her voice.

 

Finally yesterday, we met at our apartment.

I’d done my homework, looked good, etc. The meeting was friendly, easy with no edge to me. I apologised for my mistakes and to stress that the relationship failure has been down to my selfishness. Done everything that the book says. I felt that I done it well. She was interested in were I was staying, had I had any dates etc, enquired about my change in business activities etc.

 

She then told me that she has been seeing somebody else.

However, what I did not expect was that it was another woman. The ‘other woman’ who had shown support for my ex had recently become detached from another girl whom she was having a lesbian relationship and which she was apparently deeply in love with.

 

When she told me of the new love in her life I did not let this disturb me. In fact I wished them all my love and best wishes going forward. Then she hit on she wants to remain friends with me etc. I categorically explained that under the current situation that we cannot be friends in any manner, although if she contacts me I will appear pleasant and well mannered. There were moments of crying etc from her but I did not let that change my focus. I left the apartment alone and with a smile on my face, but hiding my deep anxiety and lost love. My heart was so heavy.

 

I had also penned a letter expressing my undying love for her etc, but I kept it in my pocket and never gave it to her. I was tempted to send it to her but do you think that this would be ill advised?

 

My question is what do I do now?

Do I treat this lesbian relationship like any male / female relationship?

Is my ex partner and this new woman rebounding against one another?

 

Meanwhile my heart weeps like an open wound. I find my days long and endless.

How I miss her.

 

Steadfast.

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My question is what do I do now?

Do I treat this lesbian relationship like any male / female relationship?

Is my ex partner and this new woman rebounding against one another?

 

 

 

Steadfast.

 

Treat it like any other relationship. Do things to move on and ease the pain, she sounds like a confused woman. They could both be rebounds, maybe not though.

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