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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
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love4life,

 

The way you described your one ex-boyfriend (the eager to please) reminds me of the way I was a year ago, and they way I acted with a girl who was interested in me.

 

I'm actually very embarrassed about the way I acted, but needless to say I was left and she got with another guy about 2 months later. Luckily, throughout the whole break-off thing I played it very cool, even when they were out together. She still considered me her best friend, but eventually I wised-up and found that she was still stringing me along and didn't really have much respect for me.

 

What did I do? I just became less avaliable...like no, I'm not going to drop everything to hang out with you etc. Getting over this neediness has been very very hard. But I feel like I've slowly started to change in terms of self-confidence etc. Consequently, I have only seen her once in the last 6 months when I decided to make an appearance at her birthday.

 

I've found that Zorba's posts have been very very helpful in putting things in a new light. I'm just glad that I've had to go through this emotiional turmoil at a relatiively young age (22).

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I'm actually very embarrassed about the way I acted, but needless to say I was left and she got with another guy about 2 months later. Luckily, throughout the whole break-off thing I played it very cool, even when they were out together. She still considered me her best friend, but eventually I wised-up and found that she was still stringing me along and didn't really have much respect for me.

 

 

I so totally agree to that! My ex wanted me to be her friends too. I played it cool for a week. Then, the pain and humiliation was too much! In that one week, I even organised a surprise b'day party for my ex. She enjoyed the party alright, but still treated me like * * * * ! I went into NC after that and never looked back.

 

I think nothing feeds the dumper's ego more than just see us cling like needy parasites. And it gives them the power to use or throw us whenever they need!!

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So I have a question that applies to numerous issues that have been discussed...

 

My ex and I were best friends before we got together, so obviously when she dumped me she wanted to stay friends. I told her I need time, and since she has been through lots of hard breakups, she has been really good about staying away, although she would still check up on me.

 

We have been broken up for almost 2 months, and I am going through a really hard time because I feel like I miss my friend almost more than I miss my "gf". I just dont know if I am just telling myself this because I still miss our relationship or what, but when I go a few days without talking to her I totally lose it. THen I talk to her, and im ok for a bit, but then the same cycle happens.

 

I know its wrong, but i seriously feel like I need her as a friend, otherwise I get severely depressed. But then when I talk to her "as a friend", the feelings come back and I get sad.

 

I have been doing everything I am supposed to including going out, meeting people, making friends, etc., and I have been having fun when I do, but at the end of the day I still come home at night and miss her.

 

How do I overcome this? I'm sure it will get better with time, but it is so hard and almost "exhausting" do deal with on a day to day basis.

 

ALSO, another question I had is that if i wanted to get her back, but she is in another relationship where they are "in love", is it even worth the effort? I wish I could just give up hope, but i cant. SO, i go back and forth trying NC, but not being able to make it, then I think if i could just hang out w/ her and be "cool and fun", she will see the old me and miss me. Its all a battle in my head that I am honestly sick of fighting.

 

I just want to be OK and not stressed anymore, but it seems like a constant battle.

 

Any advice?

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Well...I just found out my ex live-in boyfriend is in a new relationship. It's been about 5 months since the actual break-up/move-out. However, he met her and started seeing her about 3 months ago, which means a mere 2 months after ditching me, moving out of our shared apartment he's in another relationship with someone else.

 

Most people think rebound. Honestly, rebound or not, it hurts like hell! I feel so replaceable (when here i thought I was irreplaceable). I feel like our love was a lie and our relationship was a sham. It truly makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

I don't have any contact with him anymore, which I know is a good thing. At the very least, perhaps I will finally be able to move on from this horrible chapter in my life.

 

But, I still feel as if I have so many unanswered questions - and now knowing this just brings up more - was I really that meaningless ot him!?!? why did we talk about marriage the way we did then? Why did he take me to look at wedding reception sites then?

 

It hurts so bad.

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Oh boy are those all the typical feelings one usually experiences. I'm so sorry. I'm sure it will be a rollercoaster of emotions for you.

 

You mentioned something about the unanswered questions. Unfortunately I've only now begin to accept that I will never get straight answers (or any answers at all). You can mull them over all you'd like, but ultimately to move on you must learn to let go of them. You also might feel a deep desire to tell him off or get back at him, but you've got to let go of that too.

 

What I'm telling you is much easier said then down, but I'm just trying to impart some recent discoveries of my own. There is often a feeling of helplessness when dumped, but believe me...you will emerge stronger from this. It will cause you to look at insecurities that you've had and improve them, and hopefully your next relationship will be a better one.

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I have something to confess.

 

I found this forum on google and I have been lurking for about 2 weeks, and I just finished reading this WHOLE topic (all 24 pages).

 

And now I feel I am ready to tell you my story.

 

But FIRST,

Let me thank everyone in this spectacular thread. Very good stories, very good advice. It has affected my thinking methodology.

 

Now, I wouldn't be posting here if I thought the advice here was enough to suffice for me, but I believe I have had a bit of a complicated breakup.

 

And let me thank all in advance who decide to give their input, whatever it may be. I am open minded.

 

*stretches and takes a deep breath*

 

 

 

History lesson:

 

We met in my dorm room at college 2 years and 4 months ago. I was 19, she was 18. This was going to be my first serious relationship, and hers too.

 

We took a walk and then proceded to make out passionately underneath a tree in a park at night etc etc.

I busted out the "I love you" on our first date. Now I know this is a big no no because it "shows you are not in control of your emotions". This wasn't the case, I was very relaxed and I didn't even think anything of it when I let it out. It was just a certain kind of moment that allowed myself to think. "I know what love is, why not just let it out?".

 

Nowadays I wouldn't even think to say that to anyone in the first 5 months.

Nevertheless we considered it "love at first sight".

Everything was perfect, we spent every day with eachother, talking, helpin eachother with stuff, just hangin out with mutual friends, huggin, cuddlin, sleepin, and lovin all while going to school. We did this for the majority of our 2 year relationship.

 

One night she told me about how she was raped by her brother at a very young age, and thats how she lost her virginity. Very sensitive subject, I didn't know quite what to make of it. But out of instinct I told her "You should forgive him". Her response was like "stop trying to fix me, or be a hero, you don't understand." She was right.

 

Well my attitude gradually turned into "forgiving him" to "never talk to him or see him again". And this smelted with my feelings for her family. I did not feel comfortable being around them. This was all very intense because she told me every detail she could remember about what happened to her (happened over a long period of time, more than four years). And that is all I could dwell on trying to understand her situation with her family. Her family wanted them to be together again, they had separate christmasses etc.

 

Well this drug me down real low at some points. But I decided to forget about it and let her do whats best for her. But at the same time I kind of forgot about me caring about her in that way with it. So I didn't support her. I refused to go to her families house with her.

 

I also didn't feel comfortable around her friends. but this was kind of normal, she didn't like some of my family or people I hung out with either.

 

We still loved eachother regardless. We were engaged, had planned out our babies names. Decided to work so we could move into a bigger place. lots of things planned and thought of. Our love seemed unbreakable.

 

Stuff dragged down overtime though. I was not doing good in classes, and had a bad relationship with my Dad at the time. I spent too much time gaming on the computer. ( i wouldn't come to bed and instead stay up all night etc) Was thinking about joining the Marine Corps etc. I basically was unsure of myself and my future for a long period of time.

 

This developed into wanting to be alone for a while. I said that I didn't want to commit to marriage or kids, I needed a break from all things. This upset her a lot, but I tried my best to make her understand. It was very difficult, but I still thought I had her support.

 

Well one day I got what I wanted. It was a complete surprise to me, but she came home one night after spending several days away at a girlfriends house. She said she was moving out.

 

I was kind of sent into a state of mind where I didn't care about anything anymore. It was like being numb. I didn't know exactly why she moved out. She never talked about moving out to me, she just did it one day. The plan was to take a break, and that we needed time to ourselves. And someday she would move back in.

 

Over the long drawn out period of a month and a half that it took for her to get her stuff, we would still make passionate love. But sometimes when she would come over to get her stuff, I would be stand offish. I felt uncomfortable and tight, unrelaxed. I felt like she needed to explain something to me, and that everything was my fault. I didn't feel comfortable at all. I would say very few words when she was taking her things.

 

We didn't talk on the phone at all during this time.

 

The last time she came over she said something peculiar to me:

"So do we hug or do we shake hands?"

 

It should have been obvious to me what was happening at the time, but I was oblivious. Alls I could say was "What? What do you mean?". She repeated herself, and I got frustrated and said screw it. I just told her that she could just leave.

 

She also said that she was sorry but she didn't know what for. I didn't know what that meant either.

 

About a week later I IMed her about it. What did you mean by saying sorry but not what for? Ceiling came crashing down here on this IM box.

"I'm sorry but my heart didn't wait for you"

"I fell out of love with you"

"You will always be my first true love"

"Can we still be friends"

 

I didn't know what kind of friends we could be, I told her. She said ok.

I wished her the best and hoped the next guy "took better care of her than I did". (note: I should have left it at this)

 

 

The next day I was thinking to myself, how could this happen so fast? I did something I regretted later on: I hacked into her myspace account and read all her messages. Yup, it was true, she was already with some other guy.

 

It felt like I was cheated on. I posted a bulliten on her account saying "I cheat on my boyfriends" as the title and cussed her out and said she never loved me in the subject, among a few other nasty things.

 

Terrible terrible thing to do I know. Extremely immature. I am still very sorry for it, and I wish I had maintained control of my emotions at the moment I discovered that she was with another guy.

 

I never met the guy, but i guess he was a friend of her sorority, or a part of it. He's 29 years old, she's 20. He just got out of a relationship as well.

They went to disneyland together along with the sorority a month before she told me that "Her heart didn't wait for me".

 

So I think she was thinking of this guy before she even moved out. But I don't know.

 

 

anyway, I immediately apologized the next day about it. It was stupid. I called her a lot, leaving messages saying "I Miss you" "I love you" "My chest hurts so much, I can't sleep" at like 3 and 4 in the morning. It's true, my chest hurt for a week straight. A very real pain that I wish on no one.

I cried everyday at certain moments where I couldn't take it. I would just choke up to myself, alone, in an apartment that used to be ours. All the memories floating around.

 

The hardest part was to believe it actually happened.

 

One day she finally answered her phone. It was unexpected. We talked for about an hour, we cried together, talking about how much we loved eachother "back then". But she made one thing clear: She was not coming back. I just said okay.

 

She had a concert that night. I decided that hearing her voice, and an IM box was not enough to satisfy my perceptions of what the hell was going on.

 

I dressed up in a suit, combed my hair, and I went to this concert looking the best I could. I met with her afterwards and the first thing I did was give her a big hug. She squeezed first, and I squeezed back. We held eachother for a long time. But she looked over her shoulder and saw her boyfriend. At this point she became very uncomfortable and pulled away from me. I couldn't even hold her hands without her pulling away and being nervous.

 

At that point I degenerated into a 5 year old. I begged her back (I actually got down on both knees and held her hands), I pleaded, I said I changed, I said I love her, and I asked "Why can't it work?" And it finally came to something she asked me... "What are you trying to accomplish?"

 

I paused for a long while and then I raised one knee (I was still on both knees) and asked her to marry me.

 

I don't know why I did this. I was at the last of my wits. It was the most desperate move I could make, and I did it. It accomplished nothing at all. She just said "I can't say yes to that". I said "I know you wouldn't say yes, I just wanted to show you how I feel."

 

That was the best I could come up with. She kept looking over her shoulder at her friends and new boyfriend, taking steps back and pulling away from me whenever I tried to gently hold her hands.

 

After making a lame joke about kidnapping her and laughing about how her "bodyguards" would tackle me to the ground (I said I would fight to the death), she said to me "Go home".

 

She told me to go home, and it broke something inside of me. I didn't do or say anything for a long while. It was awkward silence, I was just looking at her face speechless trying to figure out what to say to that.

 

I couldn't take it anymore, I was accomplishing nothing. Nothing was happening, she wouldn't open up to me. Her new boyfriend was right there accross the hall watching. I kissed her on the cheek and walked away without looking at her or saying anything.

 

I stopped a long while on the sidewalk thinking about what I just did and how utterly retarded it all was. I became extremely angry with myself.

 

Was that the best I could do?

What kind of person am I if that is all my love amounts to when trying to get someone back?

How pathetically weak am I?

 

I got home and I sat on my bed for a long time. I smashed my mirror out of anger, and only then I realized how emotionally tied up I was getting.

 

I decided to send her an email explaining how I loved her, and how I lost myself in the relationship. It helped me calm down and run thoughts through my head.

 

The next day I went to her parents house an hour away to apologize to them for not appreciating who they were to her, for not giving them a chance, and for making them think that I hated them. When in truth I was hating myself. Her mother was there and we had a good talk, she told me some good advice (concentrate on myself, leave her alone etc.) I explained my feelings about her family, and I think we both left that understanding a lot more about what happened. We hugged eachother and then I left. This was more for me than anything, I felt very bad about how I treated them. It was the last step in my apologies.

 

She decided to go NC on me after that. Blocked my screennames, never responded to any of my emails. Nothing.

 

After a week of deciding to take care of myself again, I found she left some things behind in the apartment. I took these items along with a ring that she had given me a long time ago when we were first together. It was kind of a symbol for us. I dropped these off at her work, I saw her there but she didn't see me. I just knocked on the table to get her attention and then left.

 

A couple days later I sent her one last email saying that I wish her all the best in her new relationship. I know it is what you want. I apologized for my difficulty with the breakup, and I wished her well.

 

And now I am going NC.

 

 

 

After thinking things through a great deal, I made a * * * * load of mistakes. I lost control of myself and went against my core beliefs many times. I feel like I have disgraced myself in a way.

 

I already feel myself changing. I uninstalled all my computer games, I am going back to school with full effort. I am working out and exercising everyday for the first time in years. I am cooking, I am cleaning, I am taking care of myself very well. Better than I ever had in the relationship.

 

I did an online dating thing about a week ago after some encouragement from friends to help me out. It turned out very good, I am very glad I did it. But the girl wasn't the right one. She had a boyfriend who died in a car wreck very few months ago. I invited her back to my place and I cooked us some smoked bbq ribs and we watched "The Departed". It was a good night, the next night we had chinese together.

 

It really relaxed my mind about things. I started gaining my independent self back again. I realized that a lot other people have it much worse than I do (like my date), and my situation doesn't matter. She decided that she wanted to go away and find something different, and that's that. Nothing more.

 

 

I've found respect for her for doing this. Although I'm not quite sure it was what she really wanted ( I suspect a lot of her friends encouraged her to do so ).

 

But I still love her, and because of this I have to respect what she seeks for her happiness. And that is what I've found.

 

I am remembering the relationship for what it was now, and how it was good, and how it was bad.

 

I still have a lot more changing to go through, but I really don't plan on talking to her in a long time.. (maybe 6-8 months to see how she is doing).

 

 

I feel like I've gone through a lot very fast, maybe too fast.

 

I am back on track now with myself though. Me and my dad are on good terms now, I realized that I really do not want to join the Marine Corps (going to become my own "Marine" in a way), and I can't wait to go back to school and start taking classes ( as I need to spend time on something as I don't have computer games anymore .... I'm practicing guitar a lot, thinking about a music major along with my computer science one)

 

 

Well I'm not sure what else to say. I know this is a lengthly post and you may have hurt your eyes by reading it.

 

But I do appreciate opinions on this.

 

When I read this topic I was thinking to myself. So what happeneds in an NC vs. NC? Where one is on a rebound?

 

 

I think sometimes if she ever came back to me again. (1% chance). I wouldn't accept right away, I think I would be reserved about it. It was both our faults the relationship didn't work, we both stopped paying attention to eachother, we both stopped trying.

 

But sometimes I hope we find eachother again, anew, and changed, so we may make right what was wrong.

 

I think the best chance for this though is staying away for a while, and then going into LC a few months later on, or more.

 

I've often felt like I should just not even do anything until she talks to me. And that's my plan. but I wonder if 6 months from now and still nothing... perhaps I should write her something.

 

 

Well I'll stop rambling to let someone else reply if they want.

Thanks for reading.

 

(my first post)

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Damn straight. And MIA, a lot of the time,
You, you, social strumpet and gadfly you rubbing our collective faces in it eh?
Or maybe, Zorba, you could just fill me in on what I've missed course, but that'll cost you extra....

 

 

 

 

 

PS valhallarising, whoa, that's one hell of a tale. Hard one too.

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PS valhallarising, whoa, that's one hell of a tale. Hard one too.

 

yeah. But I think her dishonesty and not being true to me kind of spoils the thought of getting her back. I'm not sure if I would take it. but I would probably forgive her in a heartbeat.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read it Zorba, I appreciate it.

 

At times I was dishonest and not true to her. I thought about another woman sometimes and she knew this, but it was nothing serious, this girl already is engaged to someone, she was just very charming to me and I felt like I could open up to her more than I could to my girl. It reminded me of how it used to be when we were first together, completely open and free.

 

Another time, after she moved out, she caught me having a browser window open of my favorite porn site. I immediately said I'm sorry..., but she left quite fast. She said she couldn't look at me the same again. Later she asked me if I was masturbating, and I truthfully said I didn't, I was just looking. I don't think she believed me though.

 

I guess in the end, sticking together really is about forgiving and understanding that * * * * is going to happen whether the couple likes it or not. I think that is a part of true love, and one reason why in my emotional flurry I said she never loved me.

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HELP!

 

OK, I've been divorced about 8 years; dated 100 +; learned a lot; learned to avoid the rebound relationships .... I have heard from sooo many women "Oh, its been over for a long time, I am ready to date .... I am fine". Typically, I ignore this and know that if they are recently divorced or separated, they are NOT ready to date .... at least not date me. (because I consider myself healthy and not just wanting sex from some misguided vulnerable woman who is rebounding).

OK with that said, I did recently get trapped.

 

A girl named Treena answered an add I placed looking for a roommate. She was newly separated and moved in my home. WE immediately hit it off. She is beautiful, 11 years younger than me (but I'm not bad looking either and usually date younger). Anyhow, she convinced me she was OK to date and healthy. Iwas a bit skeptical at the time, until I met her Husband Aaron. He also acted like it was over a long time before and was indifferent to her leaving him.

 

So we started to date. She wanted sex within the first week. I wanted to wait to ... sort of be sure she was over IT andhealthy. The more I help back the more she fell for me. TREENA told me she was falling in love with me after about 2 weeks. I know STUPID for me to believe but I did fall for it.

 

OK great sex followed. Lots of very intimate conversationsand sharing. Then I tried to slow us down becuase she was telling me she loved me 10 times a day. I only responded when I knew I meant it. ***** I have learned that LOVE is a choice, the "feeling" is usually infatuation. So when I said those 3 words, I meant it.

 

Anyhow after a few months, as I tried to ride the brakes and wait for her divorce paperwork to be processed and actually have her FREE to choose me ... she RAN!

 

At first she told me she wanted to move out to date me from a far. To date me properly; to have us miss eachother.

 

My friends and i helped her move to her new place and the day after she told me I was only a FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was broken!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Since then we only got 2 dates and now she wont even talk to me.

 

What are my chances and how do I get her back, because I am devistated. It has been two months since she last talked to me. I realize NOW that I was probably just a REBOUND and her love was probably invalid (not true love). BUTTTT, is there a chance? If so, what can I do to win her back.

 

I know it was Fast and short lived, but my heart is with her and now I am broken. This has not happened to me before as I've been careful to watch out for the rebound.

 

Do I even have a chance? Or should I just move on with no hope of her coming back. She did not go back to her X, instead it looks like she rebounded to someone else, BUT had not said the I LOVE YOU words ... becuase I think now she knows that a person (ME) expected some comittment to go along with those words.

 

HELP or advice.

 

thanks

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Broken heart man, you have had a very lucky escape. Clearly she's an emotional idiot. No woman is worth that crap. Seriously

 

She raised more red flags than a chairman Mao parade. The waaaay too early I love you's, the relentless emotional pursuit by her when you wouldn't say I love you. The bs about moving out. Man she is a nutjob.

 

Luckiest thing that happened to you is her leaving.

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Oh my god broken heart man...your situation is so similar to mine! He wanted me too really early, told me things early on. mad huge sacrifices to be with me, said he could see himself married to me after dating 3 weeks. I was wary and held back on saying how I felt for about 4 months but after 7 months he ran too. He came to stay with me after a month while he was looking for his own place. I stressed it was temporary...but he didn't leave.

 

So yeah...I understand. he too told me he would get his own place and we would 'see how it went with our own places'. Then when he found one, he told me that 'he didn't feel the same anymore.'

 

Sometimes I think I had a lucky escape, other times I think it was my fault for letting him stay so early. he only ever moved his clothes over, but yeah...it sucks

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Luckiest thing that happened to you is her leaving.

 

I'd have to agree with Zorba on this one.

 

As someone who just came out of a long-term relationship (~6 years) with an emotionally incompetent woman, you really need to just let her go. You'll begin to see the light and realize that you deserve so much more than she'll be able to give you.

 

Honestly, I am now (~3 months post break-up) thanking my lucky stars that she left. And now you can meet someone new who truly sees in you something worth loving!

 

-Mike-

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  • 2 weeks later...

We were together 3 years. We split because of the fight I caused. It happened in front of all our friends and other people. He wanted me to stay friends, but I was longing to get him back. 3 months after break-up, he found new girlfriend.

 

I stopped to phone him, to text him at all.Realised that is the best way to wish him good luck and forget him. Not to be informed with his every-day life.Suddenly, I started to go out, have new friends, meet new guys. He heard all about that. Started to call me.

 

First he wanted to hear why I forgotten him, to see what and how I'm doing. Then, he told me about some feelings, and in the end he mentioned to get together, but he had to think a bit more. I made several wrong steps(got drunk in front of him, but I know he hates it) and because he is still jealous, he thought I was flirting with other guys. At the end, he told me that is the best way not to contact anymore, if it is the only way to forget me.

 

10 days after no contact at all, on the New Year's Eve, I sent him an sms. He replayed- Thanks, you too.

 

Do you think that it is possible to get him beck? Should I wait? Have to mention that he is very stubborn person, who thinks he has the right, but after some time he change thinking.

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I came accross this discussion by chance on a web search and having read the opening few pages I found myself totally identifying with what everyone was saying. So I thought I would throw in my own little story and would be really interested to see what people think etc. Sorry it’s a bit long winded.

 

To set the scene. my ex is 26 and I am 27. We had been together for 3.5 years. Things were good between us. Obviously we did have arguments, but nothing serious. We enjoyed what ever we did, sex life was fantastic, and there was a huge amount of genuine love between us. He had previously had some really bad relationships and knew very early on in our relationship he wanted it to work out long term between us. I was a little less sure but I am more reserved but as time went on I fell in love with him and my feelings grew for him everyday. We didn’t live together because he had a lot of debt and I couldn’t afford to run a place together on my own so both lived with our respective parents. We lived about half an hours drive from each other.

 

What went wrong – Cutting a very long story short - I had some commitment issues and was lazy and selfish. By commitment I don’t mean being unfaithful or anything like that – but for various reasons, primarily my parents prejudice against my relationship, held me back. He couldn’t come to my home and that meant we always had to go out somewhere or if I went to him I couldn’t do other things, so we ended up only seeing each other at weekends or occasionally in the week. I was also very shy about being openly gay and so was reserved in public. I also had problems at home between my parents which were a big distraction. Both of us were tired after work and to an extent both didn’t want to have to drive backward and forward for only a few hours, and I always wanted to have quality time rather than quantity. He saw himself looking at 30, still living at home with his parents, unable to afford to move out, a boyfriend whom he only saw twice a week and whom didn’t appear to want to commit. He felt I didn’t think he was important enough and was there when only I wanted him. He began wondering what the point was. Despite how much he loved me this made him quite understandably feel unhappy. His feelings began changing and this made him more unhappy. He said he fell out of love with me although I actually think he had to force himself to need to move on and the unhappiness overrode the love. He kept trying for six months to get his feelings back. He didn’t want to loose me or breakup with me and was too scared to talk to me because he would rather live feeling a 2nd class person to me than risk talking to me in case I said “you know what, your right – lets break up.” So never gave me the chance to change the things that made him unhappy.

 

The breakup – Officially the split was on the 21st October 2007 – although what followed was a long drawn out affair over five/six weeks. – he told me he was unhappy and he thought he wanted to break up although he wasn’t sure. He couldn’t bear the thought of me not in his life, he loved me more than I could imagine but just not in the way he wanted to. He didn’t know what to do but he wasn’t happy. At this point I knew what was wrong and that I had to grow up and deal with the problems in my life that I was allowing to hold me back. I was sure we could fix things with a lot of effort on my part. I suggested a few days of space from each other (we were usually in contact everyday), whilst I did what I needed to do and I was convinced he would miss me like hell in between. Four days later he broke the silence and announced he knew why he didn’t want to be with me and it was over. I convinced him to see me and we talked and I told him I had basically “come out” totally and had got rid of the obstacles and so there was no going back. He could come to me when ever and if we spoke to his parents too perhaps we could stay over at each others house more often and not worry about only doing things for a few hours in the week when we were tired as we could spend the night together. I knew it was scary to go back to a comfortable but unhappy relationship but there wasn’t anything to fear as having had it out with my parents he wouldn’t ever go back in his little box – I wanted everyone to know how happy he made me and if things went well I did want to commit by taking a civil partnership (gay couples can now marry in the UK). I suggested that although it would mean giving up our holidays and weekends away and we really would have no social life, i could afford to rent somewhere together even though it would be really hard. He didn’t say much but we had an enjoyable evening out anyway.

 

A few days later he told me it didn’t change anything and it was over but he still wanted to be friends. I said okay, I had done all I could, but I needed time and space to deal with my hurt and then perhaps we could be friends a little later. He then came back at me that I didn’t understand how he felt, he didn’t know what I wanted from him, he didn’t want space because he missed me so much but although he didn’t think we were compatible as boyfriends I was his soul mate. Over the next two weeks I got various messages telling me not talking to me was awful, he wished he had his soul mate for a hug and although we didn’t work out as boyfriends he missed the speaking to me, the sound of my voice and the cuddles etc.

 

I then managed to get him to finally come and talk to me in person. I told him I couldn’t go on like that – he had broken my heart, I was prepared to risk breaking it again to give things another go, but all I had to give him was what I was offering and if that wasn’t enough he needed to let go of me and let me get on with my life and I needed space to do that. He cried a lot, and we sat talking for a long time, he said he was confused and didn’t know what to do – he had let go of me in some ways but not in others. I said if we had more to talk about lets meet in a couple of days. As I left he told me he wouldn’t let me go.

 

A couple of days later he tried to cancel seeing me as he had nothing else to say. I met him anyway and said I wasn’t going to have the last thing we said to each other to be a text – but if there wasn’t anything else to say and he couldn’t give me what I wanted then I needed to say goodbye for now. Might not be forever but in the time I needed to get myself together who knew where our lives would take us. After a lot more crying he kissed me and told me he was afraid he would hurt me if he couldn’t get his feelings back but he couldn’t live without me and he would rather try and fail then never try at all. Then I also find out the hidden problem… he had met someone else. I already suspected but I told him I didn’t like it but I could live with it. However he then announced he was in-love with this person (after two weeks). We met the following day and he told me he wanted it to be me, when I was with him he knew he wanted to be with me but he had his doubts when he was alone. I comforted him and he clung to me all night and I was probably way too understanding over the new guy. I also deduced the new person he had been talking to for sometime on-line and had met in person three days after we broke up which explained many things, including the sudden change in his attitude a few days after we broke up. We parted that night agreeing to see it through together, but he then stopped talking to me, told me he wanted space, and a week later I discovered he had gone back to his new boyfriend. He again told me how he wanted to be friends and couldn’t bear it if I wasn’t in his life but his heart just wasn’t in to giving us another go. I tried to say goodbye again because I would need space and maybe we could arrange to meet up in six moths as friends the way he wanted but he came back at me telling me how important I was. I however went No contact on him until sadly a death in his family brought us briefly into contact again the following week, but it got too much and he again began telling me how wonderful our recent holiday had been and how he hoped we could go there again as friends… I lost the plot, it all got a bit nasty and then we then agreed amicably to leave it until the new year.

 

Since then I can honestly say I know how MENGMS feels – the heartbreak and feeling of total abandonment has been awful. I feel like I don’t know why I would want to be his friend as we haven’t anything to be friends for. He had told me when he was trying to decide over his new man and myself that he felt like he was loosing everything that was important to him… you cant hide the rejection that after three and half years I was the lesser thing to loose than someone of three and a half weeks. If what we had wasnt important enough to keep us together i dont see how its going to keep us as mere friends.

 

The obvious thing is to say “what a jerk and your better off without him.” I have gone through that, and come out the other side not believing he is really a jerk. I might be deluding myself but I understand what lead him and us to this situation. He wanted to be with me so much but thought he never could and then finds someone who superficially at least gives him the buzz, and fulfilment of being important handed to him on a plate… whilst also being told by his ex his important… ego trip. I can see how he was suddenly unsure and I crowded him with declarations of my love for him, the things I was prepared to do for him all probably scared him too. Had I known earlier there was someone else involved I probably would have handled things differently – at the time I thought it was a case he was just scared that I wouldn’t change and we’d go on being unhappy until we resented each other. I thought if we took a step back and just spent time together and let him have what he thought he wanted he might find himself more comfortable than he imagined... but obviously new man was a factor i hadnt taken in to consideration.

 

I believe his new relationship is a rebound thing. He didn’t want to loose me and certainly didn’t want to be alone and I basically carried him to the point there was something else of interest to go to. He might not have been happy with me but it didn’t stop him snuggling up to me all the time and wanting to see me. Although he saw me in the future and his brain said it was right, his heart wasn’t in to it and he was “in-love” with the other guy within 2 weeks (I assume because it was exciting and this other guy probably is a nice guy although needy from what I have heard, and just made him feel wanted). He even told me that the new guy was very much like me in many ways. I have heard they are now ‘engaged’ which would be within two months of meeting each other. As for their future, my ex has always been a bit ‘wild’ and rushes into most things. He will give the new relationship all his effort and in many ways had I not been more reserved I wonder if we would have burnt out long ago. In fact it was a conscious decision that when I met him I thought it would last a few months but when I realised I liked him a lot I slowed things down… we didn’t even sleep together for six weeks (which was a first for us both). However my ex and his ‘fiancée’ live over 2hr drive from each other (120miles) and can only see each other at the weekend which didn’t make him happy with me. My ex cant really afford to move out of his parents house and his new boyfriend is only 23 and I gather does not have a lot of money either and doesn’t drive. The only way they can resolve the distance issue is to move in together but one of them will have to move town and job. He had told me how every week with me was the same and we never did anything exciting and how he had had so much fun going out with this new guy and how they had spent all night talking (which isnt suprising when you dont know someone) and we never went out beacuse he was always tired and couldnt be bothered and had no money.

 

I hope he comes back to me. My hope is that now Christmas and new year festivities and excitement is over the January blues and distance might make my ex begin to feel the same futility of where is it going. I don’t want him to just come back to me because this other relationship didn’t work out but I would hope that the lust and excitement will begin to fade and he will see what he really did have with me more clearly. We haven’t spoken for over a month. I have nothing to contact him for as all I would be doing it for is because I want something he doesn’t right now which wouldn’t get me anywhere. I feel that if anything will ever bring him back it will be his own nostalgia. Part of me believes it has all happened for a reason. I now appreciate him and what he meant to me and grown as a person because I have dealt with all the problems that were holding me back. I guess my hope is that for him he will see why he wanted me as his best friend so much. Had he spoken to me earlier when he still wanted to try to be with me things would have been different. It didn’t take him to leave me, when he first said he wanted to talk it kicked me where it hurt enough to see what I wanted and had to deal with my problems rather than ignore them which is why I thought things would have been okay at the time. Ultimately we were both so scared of loosing each other neither of us talked to each other about what wasn’t going right.

 

I cant remember who said it on here but sex again is probably partly to do with it. He found me attractive… he certainly enjoyed sleeping with me one last time the day we broke up and thought it was great. But I can’t compete with the new exciting toy. Our sex life had become ‘boring’ but that was partly because as I sensed perhaps he was moving away from me I stopped wanting ‘fun’ and only ever wanted to be with him in such a way as I could be in his arms which reduced the amount of things to do that ‘turned him on.’

 

I personally have never been through a break up like this. One or the other either did genuinely see the other person as just a friend whether that worked out or not, or we simply didn’t even like each other in the end and it ended badly. Its always been the end with no clinging from the dumper. No one ever couldn’t bear not having the other in their life, or wanted to be best friends.

 

Its now a month since we last comunicated. Since then he has gone full speed ahead into his new relationship and as i mentioned is now 'engaged.' I am working on the principle that N/C will help in the long run beacuse when we were in contact every time i heard from him i felt wonderful and then would feel even worse a little later. Whether it does any good in bringing him back i dont know... although i certainly dont think contact will do any good as all it did was get us wound up with each other. Although i have no idea now of course if he even thinks about me at all. I was with a mutal friend for new year, she got a generic text message he sent to everyone... but me.

 

Im also convinced that phones are bad for breakups - if people had to actualy face each other in person rather than conducting things via text message they might also have to face their problems head on rather than ignore them. He wouldnt speak to me or even see me again when he went back to his new boyfriend... i can only imagine seeing me in person just confuses him.

 

thanks for reading.

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  • 1 month later...

This is a really great thread. I went back and read the majority of it and have to say that Zorba has some really great and insightful comments here that help clarify a lot of the irrational aspects of the break-up.

 

I found reading this quite helpful. Thanks for sharing!

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I was the dumpee. I'm on my rebound relationship and it's going great! My ex the dumper has told me he's jealous and even sent me an email today telling me I'm looking great (pics he's seen on Facebook).

 

My rebound is a guy I dated years ago, and whilst he might be Mr Right Now... I don't see him as Mr Right.

 

My ex however has still told me, he's not ready to meet anyone as he's not over me - bizarre really considering he dumped me!!!

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I was the dumpee too. I havent got a rebound because I cant face having to try and put on a happy face for him or act like im happy with someone else when i know i just wont be, but im hoping soon i can get back in the saddle (so to speak)

 

He was the dumper, but he didnt seem happy when we last had contact. He seemed a bit restless, and his friend said hes like a bear with a sore head.

 

We had a massive text argument last week. He usually insults me but this time I really insulted him, and I told him straight not to contact me again.

 

Ive just got to get over him now and get on with my life

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