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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life

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You have just described to a tee that old ex of mine I was writing about earlier. To a tee. The thing I realised way after, was that no matter what I had done to help her as a person, it wouldn't have worked and I like you did a lot. I'm no angel either, but I did far more and had far more patience than most would have had. It was always going to be for nothing though, so long as she didn't work on herself. Only she could have done that. Only your ex can do that for herself, so the chances are high, that even if the new guy's name is St Rebound the Understanding, those issues of hers will keep coming back in the same old pattern. Even if by some miracle he "cures" her, I've also noticed in those cases that when the person does get cured, they leave the very one that got them to that point. Either because, they no longer want someone like that with their new found mindset, or that person reminds them too much of the past. Trust me, you dodged a bullet there.

Now I'm blushing. Thanks yourself.

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I am right here with you, ex in a rebound, new school and new friends...however I doubt her patience has changed. Time will tell how, as Zorba put it St Rebound the Understanding hangs in there. I am sure right now I am being crucified as the antichrist ex-boyfriend to the new one...time will tell on that end...but in time I am guessing I won't care anymore and the new one may just figure out, hey it wasn't just the ex as the sole source of issues in that relationship.

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Generally St Rebound the Understanding will hang there so long as the love and sex outweigh the hassle. When that tipping point is reached he'll leave or ignore her to the point that she does the leaving. On to the next victim. Rinse and repeat ad nauseum. There's probably a formula. I've seen this exact behaviour in at least 4 women I've known or my friends were with. There's probably a male version too.

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I am right here with you, ex in a rebound, new school and new friends...however I doubt her patience has changed. Time will tell how, as Zorba put it St Rebound the Understanding hangs in there. I am sure right now I am being crucified as the antichrist ex-boyfriend to the new one...time will tell on that end...but in time I am guessing I won't care anymore and the new one may just figure out, hey it wasn't just the ex as the sole source of issues in that relationship.

 

Well, short of fabricating horror stories about me, she's going to have a hell of a time coming up with "this is why my ex-boyfriend sucks" tales. It might sound impossible to say, but I don't regret a single thing I've ever done with her. I don't regret anything I've ever said to her. I truly have been nothing short of amazing to her.

 

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating... there are a few things she could complain about. I do regret how I acted after her break-up speech to me. Weak, begging, pleading, etc... something we've all done it in the past. Oh well.

 

The only other thing she may complain about... is my "neediness". Yet, as I mentioned before, she's the one who pushed our relationship forward so damn fast. She's the one I stayed up for late at night to make sure she was okay. I'd have to constantly tend to her chronic worrying and stressful nature. Essentially, she'd be projecting her own neediness onto me. But I don't want to pin it all on her though... I will admit that I loved spending all my spare time with her. And, just like her with me, I missed her lots if went spent more than a day apart. She was my everything. If she ever asked me for anything, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

 

Generally St Rebound the Understanding will hang there so long as the love and sex outweigh the hassle. When that tipping point is reached he'll leave or ignore her to the point that she does the leaving. On to the next victim. Rinse and repeat ad nauseum. There's probably a formula. I've seen this exact behaviour in at least 4 women I've known or my friends were with. There's probably a male version too.

 

Zorba, that's why I worry about her still. She's stuck in this endless cycle and will only end up hurting herself and others continuously. She won't ever find happiness. I wish there was something I could do or say to put an end to it. Instead of dodging that proverbial bullet, I catch it with my teeth or something. Time will tell, I suppose... eventually, she'll get in touch with me, and we'll see where we go from there. But for now, I'm getting over it and moving on.

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Out of curiosity, should I be over her and feel strong enough to handle the possibility of rejection (at least two months down the line)... should I contact the ex myself? Even if I know she's still in a relationship? Or should I wait it out for the boyfriend to leave the picture?

 

Or... what if she contacts me and is still in a relationship? I'm assuming respond to her, but simply be polite and friendly, never mentioning past/current relationships at all.

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Out of curiosity, should I be over her and feel strong enough to handle the possibility of rejection (at least two months down the line)... should I contact the ex myself? Even if I know she's still in a relationship? Or should I wait it out for the boyfriend to leave the picture?

 

Or... what if she contacts me and is still in a relationship? I'm assuming respond to her, but simply be polite and friendly, never mentioning past/current relationships at all.

 

 

I wouldn't contact her. What if she is still in a relationship, it will reinforce that you are on the back burner. I would wait to hear from her.Two months is not that long and you could be opening some wounds that are healing. The only time I would think it would be OK if you could contacted her is when you have no romantic feelings for her.

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I wouldn't contact her. What if she is still in a relationship, it will reinforce that you are on the back burner. I would wait to hear from her.Two months is not that long and you could be opening some wounds that are healing. The only time I would think it would be OK if you could contacted her is when you have no romantic feelings for her.

 

Good advice.

If you still have feelings for an ex the best thing (eventhough it's the hardest thing) is to wait to hear from them.

When the ex calls then you know they have been thinking about you. The risk is relatively small.

When you call you have no clue if your timing is right or what mood the ex is in or if they actually miss you. The risk is high.

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Rough week here. She is coming this weekend, while I am out of town, to finally move out the rest of her stuff (6 months after she left).

 

Remind me again that if I just stick with LC strictly related to the necessary financial matters still between us that it will help her new relationship fall apart more quickly.

 

I need some hope here. This weekend is going to kill me. Somebody give me some hope, some wisdom, some insight. I'm not ready to give up and move on. Despite everything she has done, this woman still owns my heart. Somebody please say something to make me believe that hope is possible.

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Yes it will.

 

Then you can hope she will choose to grow and if she does and she loves you and still feels connected she will be in touch.

 

When I read this thread I couldn't believe that I didn't see that by trying to be the bigger person and stay friendly, caring, etc. (as well as my desire to stay in touch) that I was providing him with an emotional stability that was aiding his rebound. As Zorba said earlier until you stop "helping" -the new person is not seeing the whole person they are involved with.

Also, as we all know new relationships are rarely challenged with the things that come later when you've heard each others stories a dozen times and the onion has been peeled a little bit, if there is no real spiritual connection, things fade very quickly.

 

You're doing the right thing.

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I have really got to stop getting information about my ex-girlfriend's current relationship... it brings me down, but oddly... after an hour or so, I feel fine again. It's like it helps me get over her faster, knowing that she's moved on so quickly.

 

She's already started with the whole "he's so amazing", "can't stop thinking about him", "lots of kisses and hugs", hearts floating around everywhere and such stuff. The rebound guy is head over heels for her too. I wouldn't be surprised if they start exchanging "I love yous" in a day or two. Note that this is their third (or is it their second?) day of being a couple. I feel like I'm watching a train-wreck in slow motion.

 

I don't want to see her hurt again. I truly deeply do want her to be happy and for her future relationships to work out... but seeing how quickly she's falling back into her old patterns is just painful. The guy is going to get his heart ripped out or he's gonna rip out hers. And the fact I can't intervene if I ever want a chance to be with her again... What's a guy to do?

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For my friends on ENA.....Sometimes we all take life way to serious with all of these troubles...lets try to be happy....My story is like thousands of others here and this morning I felt really good after I listened too a song...try and find it ....You Tube...Lynyrd Skynyrd Simple Man Kids Song....I found a smile on my face...

 

then listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd's version and also Shinedown....

 

all I can every be is a family ( simple ) man...but my ex wanted more and I had know more to give....now I am learning to be free from the HEAD ACHES..

 

God Bless...and have a great day...David

 

Jackie Richardson said " don't let no buddy, steal your joy"....and Be Happy..you deserve it

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Pop some popcorn and sit back...sorry had to lighten up the situation. Your doing the right thing by not saying anything.

 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could do it that way? Distance the emotions, the pain, the sorrow and just sit back and watch the show as the ex's new relationship goes from the honeymoon stage into the reality stage. I'd love to be able to enjoy some popcorn and watch them both see the greener grass turn into an ugly brown. I may have had my faults, but I'm pretty damn sure that the ex left my frying pan and jumped into one big, nasty bonfire.

 

NC can be great, but it would be nice to be able to watch them fall apart.

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Wouldn't it be nice if we could do it that way? Distance the emotions, the pain, the sorrow and just sit back and watch the show as the ex's new relationship goes from the honeymoon stage into the reality stage. I'd love to be able to enjoy some popcorn and watch them both see the greener grass turn into an ugly brown. I may have had my faults, but I'm pretty damn sure that the ex left my frying pan and jumped into one big, nasty bonfire.

 

NC can be great, but it would be nice to be able to watch them fall apart.

 

Thats what I'm doing right now. I'm watching the ex just fall to pieces as everything she knew around her is disappearing due to her dating this former ex of hers. Its hard for me to watch, but in the same sense its thereputic for me to know that she left happiness to have misery...

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I believe that my ex's relationship will fall apart as she is with a completely horrible human being. However, I have this fear that somehow they will work out. My fear is that I won't get to watch it fall apart. Even if I never get back my ex, I want to see her get away from this person as she has taken up with someone who is completely toxic in just about every way.

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floridaidiot

 

this I know for sure- the more you focus on her working it out with this guy the more energy you bring to it.

Aiding them and injuring yourself.

If you have faith that your ex and you had a deep spiritual connection along with the rest, then if she is mature and healthy enough she will return after the rebound fails- the % for failure is very high so have faith, hope she learns and treat yourself well.

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Good advice from theonethatiwant there. Rebound relationships from what I've seen of them rarely work out long term or if they do stay together it can get ugly down the line. The quicker the relationship starts after the ex, the quicker the I love you's start, the quicker you hear he/she's the one and the quicker the ex leaves the picture the quicker it goes bad.

 

This is in general of course some rebounds do work, especially if the people involved are young or there was abuse in the ex relationship, but I can honestly say in my experience(limited as it may be) and that of my friends, male and female, I've yet to see a rebound like I described become anything like permanent or indeed healthy. Others may have different examples though. I'd be interested to see them.

 

Even after all that and even if the rebound doesn't work that certainly doesn't mean the person goes back to the ex either. Again from my experience it does happen, but unless the two of them have worked on themselves in the interim, it'll fail again. Usually the dumper finds someone entirely new. I suspect because of that idea expressed earlier. They haven't left the first relationship emotionally, the rebound relationship has something missing that the ex had(and vice versa), so rather than go back to the ex or stay with the rebound they take a chance on someone new.

 

I do know a few couples who have reconciled permanently and have very good relationships, even after years apart. They do have a few things in common from what I've seen, regardless of why and how they broke up. I think I posted a short version of this before, but on thinking more about this;

 

First and foremost, they actually love, respect and care for each other, beyond the obvious romantic notions.

They spend time apart.

They do contact each other or even remain in LC throughout(usually upsetting the respective rebounds).

They're actual friends, regardless of gender.

They had a good solid relationship to start with and it was panic, stupidity or feelings of greener grass split them up.

They forgive themselves and each other for the failure of the old relationship.

They grow in the time they're apart for themselves.

They still have a sexual attraction for each other, even if they had more for the rebound at the time(this is a big one, or they just stay friends).

What broke them up in the first place either disappears as a problem or they decide to ignore or circumvent it by hard work.

They have self respect, but not to the point of empty pride.

They are or become emotionally mature while apart.

They have patience.

They live their lives separately as if they're never going to get back together. They move on from the old relationship and look on the new as just that, new.

 

If you have all that or at least most of it there's a good chance of reconcilliation. If not and I would say that list is rare enough, then less so.

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We were together for two years. The first break up was mostly my fault as I realized I was still carrying baggage from a previous relationship and she left me for a co-worker.

 

They lasted 5 months and we got back together. Five months later she left me to go back to that co-worker as she said she would always wonder what might have been if she didn't give them another chance.

 

So, who is the rebound here in this insane situation me or the co-worker?

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I would say you are this time around, although your situation is like everybody else's unique. As well. this time around you're in a harder position as she has "tried you out" a second time and it didn't take. To be honest, unless she is still physically attracted to you and you made big changes in your life(well the ones she wants anyway) I think you should let it go and move on. I may be very wrong but that's how I see it.

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As I predicted a few days ago... my ex-girlfriend and her new guy have already started with the "love you forever and ever" stuff. Going NC definitely left a huge void in her life that she's desperately trying to refill. I didn't think I'd be updating my situation this quickly... it's amazing. They've only been a couple for what... five days now?

 

I don't understand her at all.

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Well I see only two reasons why she is telling him this:

 

1) As you said, she is trying to fill the void you left in her life by going NC. Whether he can fill this void or not remains to be seen.

 

2) She has no clue what real Love is because no human being can fall in love in 5 days (infatuation maybe but not love), let alone promise that their love will go on forever and ever.

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If you have faith that your ex and you had a deep spiritual connection along with the rest, then if she is mature and healthy enough she will return after the rebound fails

 

Would you want her back though? I got to thinking that even if my ex called, which she won't, she had already left and said she did not love me. So, she finds out she is wrong and really DOES love me.

 

Uh uh. Anyway...just food for thought.

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