Should I contact ex bf after 2 and a half years

[Kali74]

Hi everyone,

 

My ex and I were together for almost 4 years. We were very happy together and everything seemed perfect until about the last 6 months of the relationship. We went from being each other's best friends that shared everything and were inseparable to him being moody and distant. He started saying things like he was too young (he is 4 yrs younger than me) and wanted to see more of life before marriage. Previously he had always been the one the most interested in marriage, we had talked about it a lot and even planned names for children and he was always saying he would never break up with me. Eventually he got so distant I asked him why I was still there, and he said he didn't know anymore, and we broke it off.

 

We talked a lot over instant messages for the following 6 months and then one day he IMed me and asked how I would feel about a "friends with benefits" arrangement. I was so devastated from the break up I was willing to take him anyway I could get him, thinking it would lead to us getting back together. Things went that way for about a year on and off, he would break it off when I would get too emotional and then IM me a few months later and ask if I was seeing anyone. Then we'd start up again but it eventually became evident that it was hurting me too much to just sleep with him and he broke off all contact. I went into a big depression for several months. We have not spoken or seen each other for two and a half years now.

 

I eventually clawed my way out of that hole, and ended up putting my life back together and grew up a lot. Got a good job, achieved some personal goals, and eventually even dated other guys. That never worked out very well because I keep comparing each guy to him, and the way things were when they were really good between us.

 

He broke it off with me in the first place because I had a lot of anxiety problems and he started wanting us to go out and do things as a couple with other couples and friends, and I always shyed away from it.

 

I have just ended up a relationship with a guy that was bordering on stalking me, calling me too much and harassing me. And it has brought up a lot of old feelings for the ex. Thinking things to myself like, I am too busy for someone that needy, and I would rather be alone right now so maybe the ex had the right idea of a friends with benefits situation. Or wondering if we could get back togehter since I have grown up so much and have forgiven a lot of what he did.

 

I am seriously considering contacting him, either calling him or sending him an IM. Which I'm not sure he would ever see, because I haven't seen him come on that in a little over a year now. But part of me believes he might still peek in from time to time. My question is, am I being a total idiot wanting to try this again? And if I do try to contact him, what do I say? Is it a bad idea to contact an ex when it ended so messily? I did finally give up waiting on him and move on with my life to where I didn't think about him very much for long periods of time, so I really feel I could handle things this time around and I would at least like the opportunity to thank him for the good times we had. I know now that a lot of things I did when we were toghether and sleeping together after the breakup were sabotaging any chance we had. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Kali74

 

Well first id like to say, that your not an Idiot. we all commit mistakes thats just human.

 

I just wanted to bring up some points, more like questions to ask yourself.

 

1) Did you ever let go of your Ex?

2) Can you honestly say to yourself that you gave your all to the new

relationship you had recently?

3) Why would you think that "friends with benefits" would work, you think

you can buy his love with sex?

4) Why do you blame yourself for his immaturity and lack of commitment?

5) Does it not strike you strange, you wish that your Ex of 2.5 years ago

is still checking on you (hoping he has feelings for you) and yet this

new guy is a stalker in your mind for wanting to be with you.

5) Do you think your ex will be the same person you thought he was? do

you even care?

 

Frankly I dont think any new relationship had a chance of success with you after your breakup, I dont think you ever really let go of the past one. your still in love with the memories of what you thought you had, nothing can compete with what you dreamed having with your past B/F.

 

now, to answer your question, id say yes, go ahead make contact with your Ex, send him a friendly hello see what happens. if he is in a relationship , I hope you will let go and move on and not make this a situation where everyone gets hurt.

 

I just find it Ironic though, that the new guy is considered a stalker because he doesnt want to give up on you and cant let go, yet at the same time, you still havent let go either.

 

Before you write me and say im contradicting myself here, the reason I suggest you contact your Ex, is because, one of 2 things is likely, there is the small posibility , (very small), that he is not seeing anyone and that he has also matured . the other is, (most likely) he has grown into another person, and moved on, into a new relationship.

 

So you cant lose, if he is avialable you have your chance again, if not, then you will finally be able to let go, and give the next relationship half a chance of being successful.

[Kali74]

Hi there,

 

Thank you for your reply, and your tough questions.

 

To clarify a little bit, the guy I recently broke up with has not ever had any serious relationships. The longest he has dated someone is 3 months. There's nothing wrong with that, but he was too clingy and I think it may partially be because he is not all that experienced with relationships. Again, I don't mind that part.

 

The problems with this recent relationship were that we did not have many interests in common, we are from different backgrounds and have different tastes in everything from TV shows to books to music. He seemed to be more interested than I was from the beginning, and once I realized I was not interested I tried to end it civilly because I did not want to hurt him. He would not let me end it, I have now tried everything from distancing myself and avoiding him to out and out telling him I no longer want to continue and he still won't leave me alone. He calls me several times a day and wants to talk for over an hour at a time, and if I don't return his calls within a few hours he calls me back and yells and screams and leaves highly agitated messages demanding I call him right away.

 

That said, since this latest talk trying to end it with him I have been having thoughts of my ex. I do not have any false pretenses that I could buy his love with sex. Nor do I want to, I know we both have certainly changed over the years. I am fairly busy with my job and other responsiblities, and that got me thinking that a friends with benefits situation could actually work now that I am not in the middle of the emotional self imposed turmoil that I was having back then.

 

Yes, I agree it is strange that I think he might still be checking on me after all this time. I suppose the reasons I feel this way is because it was factually true for so long, and at one point we did have such a strong bond it's still hard to believe it's gone sometimes.

 

You made a lot of valid points and given me a lot to think about, thank you. It is probably a mistake to contact him after so long, if he ever thought of me he could always have contacted me by this point. I will think on this some more before I do anything.

[hshot_rooke]

Hey Kali74

 

Similarly, my situation is kind of like yours. My first relationship which was with this girl was for 2.5 years. My first love.....Such great times. Such an amazing connection with each other. Special 2.5 years of my life.

 

It sounds as though you have not let go of him even after 2.5 years. It's been 9 months for me and I still think about everything she was. Her smell, her sweetness, every single thing about her was perfect. Beautiful, sexy, cute, sweet as sugar, a perfect angel.

 

Yes, I'll always think of her that way. In my heart I hope that one day her new boyfriend will make mistakes like I made mistakes. That maybe one day we will date again, so that I can show her how much I've grown up and matured after not having her in my life.

 

The relationship ended very, very messily, because I wasn't mature enough to let go.

 

Like Gilgamesh says, maybe after 2.5 years, he has grown up. Has matured and now realizes that he missed out on something very special. Or maybe he is happy now without you.

 

I agree that you must think more before contacting him, but why let one more chance pass you by? I say contact him. If he's mature enough and humble enough to send you a greeting but does not want anything further. Maybe you should let go as we all should? I know that's not what you want to hear, because maybe like me you have lost someone very very special.

 

But there may be that chance that he is single....that he does miss you as much as you miss him....that the spark may still be there even after all these years? Don't pass up the chance....Maybe even let him know....

 

I wish you luck and I hope you can win him back, because every story that I hear of like mine, gives me hope that I can get her back one day.

[Kali74]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your reply! I've been thinking very hard the last few days, and I have to admit that I am going back and forth on what to do. One moment I want nothing more than to call him and the next I want to let things lie like they are.

 

I was in a devastating car wreck shortly after we broke off all contact, and I had three surgeries and a very long rehabiliation period that I went through all alone, really wishing he was there. I had a lot of thinking time to re-evaluate my life and priorities and look back and figure out what I had done wrong with him. It made me grow up and realize what's important in life and what isn't.

 

After the breakup I did all of the classic wrong things when we were on again/off again, I was so hurt I would say anything I could think of to try to make him hurt as well, I was dramatic and basically pathetic. I'm not proud of it. He meant the world to me and I couldn't cope with the way he ended it and then being used like I never meant anything to him. It was a very special relationship at one time and it was hard to accept that he had changed so much.

 

I'm probably not making much sense here. The first few years we were together we were always together and didn't hang out with any other people very much. Then near the end he contacted some of his old friends, and started spending lots of time partying with them and he distanced himself from me and when we were together he would start a fight over any little thing I did or said. His friends didn't have girlfriends and I think they were encouraging him to end things with me. I wanted to work things out, but he didn't back then and I couldn't fix things by myself.

 

I've been in other long term relationships but none of them have stayed with me the way this one did. We had a very special connection, it was magical and felt like nothing has for me before or since.

 

I never got any real closure from the whole thing and I don't think I have really let him go yet, to this day I would like to find a way to work things out and completely start over. Enough time has passed that I am not as hurt by all of it but I don't think he would like to hear from me again. I think I will have to find a way to live with my mistakes. It hurts a lot again right now, but I suppose it is a normal reaction to things not working out with my most recent relationship. I hope he is happy and I'm sorry things went so terribly wrong, and I hope I find peace with it someday.

 

The only advice I can offer you is to contact her now, before 2 and a half years have gone by and it's too late. Don't let stubborness over who is going to contact who first stand in the way, or you might still be hurting years later with no way of going back. I really hope things work out for you!

[hshot_rooke]

Thanks for the advice Kali74.

 

Thing is there really is no hope for me and my EX. I've done so many things to try to win her back. So many love letters and promises of things that would be so different.

 

But, she doesn't want to try again. Her exact words were: "...There is no more us. Not now, not in the future...."

 

It's been 9 months now since we've seen each other.

She started seeing a new guy about a week and a half after we ended it and moved in with him 5 months later.

 

If he tells her she's beautiful or tells her how much he loves her or compliments her once a week, I know she'll never come back, because I never did that in my 2.5 years. I can count on one hand how many times I offered compliments and "I love you's". So, it's over between us, even though I knew I could be the most perfect boyfriend to her now.

 

Well, sometimes people have to go through this to realize and appreciate what they have. Maybe I can do that for someone else sometime in my future. I just wish it was her. I just wish she could realize this.

[Kali74]

Hi again,

 

I hope someone can give me some advice on this. I have decided to go ahead and contact my ex. I've thought about this long and hard, and I'm not going into this expecting a lot. I am going to send him an email and I basically just want to start at hello and see how he is, tell him I'm doing well and either let talking start again from there or leave it there. I'm not sure how to phrase the email, and I really don't want to put enough into it to bring up bad memories or make him upset.

 

I'm not 100% sure what I hope to accomplish with this, but I think life is too short to spend years choking on regret. Maybe he'll never reply, maybe we've both changed so much it wouldn't matter but what's the harm in saying hello, if I am ok with it not going anywhere else?

 

Basically, I don't want to get a reply saying something like I hate you, leave me alone you *beep* If anyone could help me out with the proper wording on an email for an ex that things ended badly with a really long time ago, I could really really use it.

[Gilgamesh]

I think you should "test" the waters, before diving in.

 

just send a simple letter, a simple hello, how are you, you can make a little white lie, like saying you came accross an old picture of you two together or some other motive for sending a greating.

 

and see where it goes from there.

 

if he replies, dont mention anything about the past or relationship issues, if he shows interest, let him make the moves, and if he tries to "seduce" you, let him think his "moves" are working and show that they are.

 

I do agree life is too short, and as long as no one gets used or hurt, im fine with it.

[Luv_Suks]

Hey Kali

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I think you've got some good advice from Gilgamesh (as always) and hshot_rooke (I feel ya dude, my first love broke up with me). For what its worth, I think you should contact your ex, if after all this time, you still have feelings for him. Life is indeed so short, and not worth the regrets. I wish I could take that advice myself...but unfortunately I'm just terrified of being rejected again that I simply couldn't face it..Like hshot_rooke, 7 odd months down the line and I'm still so in love with her, and realised just how special she really was..if I had just one more chance, I'd make it perfect. But this is real life, and chances like that just don't come around that often. If you've got a chance to maybe rekindle something, however remote that chance may seem..then go for it..I think you definitely sound mature enough to handle whatever outcome may come of it. If anything, maybe giving it this one last shot will give you the real closure you need to move on if you're unable to start afresh with him. I agree with Gilgamesh, a simple note to say hi and to see where it goes. What I've learnt so far from my own experiences is that I guess some things just aren't meant to be, however perfect it may have seemed at the time..but then..you'll never know if you dont give it one more chance..I'd absolutely die for just one more chance, that one magical email from my ex..*sighs*...

 

But anyhow, thanks for cheering me up today. Reading of that lil bit of hope (even if its for you and not me ;-) makes me ready to go to sleep with a bit more of an optimistic outlook on life and love. I'd give anything for my ex to send me such an email, I can only hope and pray that one day it'll arrive. But in the meantime, I'll try my best to move on. Best of luck to you..keep us posted ;-)

 

Remember, true love never dies, no matter how much time/distance has passed, if it was meant to be, it'll work out..

 

Kindest regards.

[Kali74]

Wow, thanks so much for the great replies. Erm.. unfortunately I don't have any updates yet. I haven't sent the e-mail yet. I was going to yesterday, but I kind of chickened out. I was gripped by fear, or stubborness, or pride.. or all three - I'm not sure.

 

All sorts of things are going through my head right now. It's been a long time, he could be married by now for all I know. I don't want to stir up any trouble in a relationship if he is one, I really don't.

 

And I'm still not sure exactly what to say, I started trying to type something up but I can't reallly think of anything that doesn't sound like I'm trying to get back together. I mean, even saying something like "Hi, just wanted to see how you are doing. If you ever want to talk let me know" sounds weird to me, and that's about all I have been able to come up with.

 

Luv_Suks (love the name btw), I've got a powerful fear of rejection right now myself, but I'm trying to remember that the possible benefits exceed the risks. Is it too late for you to send her an e-mail and let her know how you feel? It sounds like you really love her a lot still, and enough time has passed that you have distanced yourself from it to where you could tell her without being too emotional, it is always worth another shot isn't it?

 

I keep telling myself if he had wanted to contact me he could've any time before now. He ended things in a really crappy way, and maybe he is embarrassed now and figures since it was so hard on me it's better off to leave me alone? Heck if I know. Thanks again for all the wonderful words of encouragement, I am going to try to figure out exactly what to say and then try to work up the nerve to send the email, but it may take me a few more days.

[Luv_Suks]

Hey Kali

 

well, don't be a chicken, send the email ;-) well, seriously, i think you're right in thinking that the potential positives will outweigh the potential negative. Put it this way, if he has moved on, then he will most likely either ignore the email, or just reply back with a simple hi and probably mention he has a gf or something. If you can handle that, then i think you should just go ahead and send a short, but sweet email, ask how hes been, and mention that you've been thinking about him recently (like Gilgamesh said, make a lil white lie about coming accross an old photo or something)...c where it goes from there..go ooon..you know you want to! ;-)

 

As for me, no, i guess its never too late to send an email but i don't think its a very good idea rite now, esp as I've progressed to a point now where I'm starting to feel better (and believe me, I NEVER thought I'd get to this point) Like your situation, it didn't end in the best of ways (guess breakups never do unless it was 100% mutual). After 3 years of devotion and love for her, she breaks up over the phone. It was a ld relationship, but even so, we both made the effort to see each other every few months. Last time i saw her was last xmas, left her at the airport that day oblivious to the fact that that would be the last time I'd see her smile. She broke it off in April and since then I've literally had to live day by day (feels like minute by minute sometimes). Its hard to believe something I thought was so special, could be gone in a blink of an eye. I miss her terribly but..as far as I'm concerned, she tore my heart apart (esp with doin it over the phone), and the only way our relationship could work again would be for her to find the courage to take a flight and come over here to show her she still loved me. Believe me, I'd forgive her in an instant for everything she has put me thru, but shes got to be the one to initiate it. I don't think that day will ever come, but I have to move on and look to the future..

 

Anyways, sorry to ramble on. Maybe I'm letting my ego/pride get in the way of things. But i felt so betrayed and feel like i need some time to myself now in any case. But your situation is different and you've had some significant time apart and experienced other things/people since then. You still have these feelings after all this time, and the only way you will ever let go of them is to do this contact thing and see what happens. I'm sure he did feel guilty for the way things ended, as I'm sure my ex will be for a long time to come, but sufficient time has passed for you both to have moved forward from it. True he could've contacted you by now, but then there could be many simple bona fide reasons why he hasn't, i wouldn't let your pride stop you at this juncture...

 

Well, thanks for the words of encouragement, I'll keep them in mind. Best of luck again, keep us posted ;-)

 

Kindest Regards