confused_guy84 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I hate this, my ex and i used to argue about her being friends with her ex's. I know it made me come off as insecure, but damn. It just seems like it breeds jealousy and is just unnecessary. What do you guys think?
renaissancewoman101 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I'm not a guy, but if I dated a guy who didn't like me being friends with an ex, I wouldn't tolerate that. Why should you guys have problems with a girl being friends with an ex, esp if she is upfront with you about it and there is nothing weird going on. If you oppose, you will be seen as controlling.
soccer14 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 actually, i being a girl hate it when bf's are friends with their ex's too. the question that comes to my mind is you two broke up right? now what do you want? but meh i am a little insecure. not saying you are.
PeanutButter Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 don't date girls who are friends with ex's if it bothers yooh so much
renaissancewoman101 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 The ex that I dated two years ago and had a 2 year relationship, he was friends with 1-2 of his ex's. I didn't care. He had a problem with me being friends with my best friend, who was also my first ex, but he never told me not to hang out with him, just like I never told him not to ever hang out with his ex's. To me, that's just controlling behavior. Sometimes, even with breakups, there is something salvageable out of broken relationship.
Up and Down Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I think it depends on how your realtionship is. I am friends with an ex when dating my most recent ex and I introduced them. I was not secretive about anything or trying to hide anything. Hell I would talk to her on the phone when she was in the room. I think it would get suspicous if they are meeting up with them or calling them and they don't want you to know.
Idocsteve Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I have not experienced that particular situation, but I think it would bug me...just knowing that she's hanging out with a guy who knows what she looks like naked.
sandyv Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I've had this issue for a long while. I have about 4 ex's I've remained friends with. Sometimes its worked out great, the ex's I've introduced get along so well they forget I'm even there.... annoying! Other times there has been a couple of near fist fights.... if they don't like me having ex's as friends, they are SO gone....
confused_guy84 Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Idocsteve: ya my problem exactly. I can't stand having my gf talk to someone she's been intimate with and, at one point, been in love with. My gf was never secretive about the fact that she was friends with her ex, and never snuck around on me, so that wasn't the issue. I just don't understand the point of being friends with an ex? The relationship ended, what else is left? I feel like the ex's are hanging around hoping for another shot with her if I ever end up out of the picture, like hyenas hanging around a lion kill. It just irks me.
Zackinlaw Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I feel like the ex's are hanging around hoping for another shot with her if I ever end up out of the picture, like hyenas hanging around a lion kill. This fabulous simile illustrates the risks of it all. I have no problems with a gf having an ex as a friend, but I would be enormously upset to hear that she was turning to him for comfort through the tougher times of our relationship. I would be most concerned about what his intentions might be ... sometimes when exes remain "just friends" it's not by choice, and they would want more if the opportunity arose. The last thing a relationship needs is someone rooting against it from the outside. I don't think it's "controlling" to ask your partner not to do something that makes you feel bad. If I were friends with an ex, and I knew that friendship was upsetting to someone I loved, I'd willingly break it off ... that's part of loving someone. Zack.
Jayar Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I'm friends with a few of my exes. That doesn't make me like my boyfriend any less.
Idocsteve Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I'm friends with a few of my exes. That doesn't make me like my boyfriend any less. I'm sure he feels a lot better knowing that.
caro33 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Think it depends on the circumstances and the nature of the relationship, how you are respected in their friendship and how your partner respects themself with the ex. By the latter I mean, does your partner chase after the ex or seem to have lingering feelings? A blanket "no friends with exes" policy might be problematic, but up to you to be clear about it. Personally I am not a fan of the friends with exes situation, but that's also probably because I have had reason to have an issue. Most of my exes who have stayed close or even just had occasional contact with the ex have cheated on me with the ex. But you hear about people who dated for years, years ago, or the opposite: had a fling years ago and all is forgotten now and they are like brother and sister now. If I met a guy in a relationship like that with an ex I would hardly ask him to cut it off just because I was on the scene. He would have every right to tell me to bugger off.
Idocsteve Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Most of my exes who have stayed close or even just had occasional contact with the ex have cheated on me with the ex. Right. Because the odds are that in a situation where the ex is in the picture there is going to be cheating with that ex. Not always, but sometimes...or most of the time. It's not a good situation to be part of. Because you never know.
acousticlayla Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 If a guy I was dating told me who I could and couldn't be friends with, when nothing funny was going on, I would not tolerate it. I would be fine with a guy I dated being friends with his ex, as long as that part of their relationship is truly over.
Idocsteve Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I would be fine with a guy I dated being friends with his ex, as long as that part of their relationship is truly over. Ah, but there's the rub. How do you KNOW that it's truly over? How do THEY know? Remember, they've had sex with each other. They know what each other looks like...naked.
confused_guy84 Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 If a guy I was dating told me who I could and couldn't be friends with, when nothing funny was going on, I would not tolerate it. I would be fine with a guy I dated being friends with his ex, as long as that part of their relationship is truly over. Well, other then the ex's, i didn't care who she was friends with. Guys, girls, celebrities, strippers, doesn't make a damn to me. The ex's are different though, they've been together, there are feelings between them that do not go away. I was never the type to try and forbid a gf from talking to ex's. But I always let them know that it bothered me. It seems like if it were real love, you'd be willing to cut off an ex if you knew it made your bf/gf uncomfortable. That's my opinion.
Momene Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I think "friends" is OK but I would be suspicious of someone who spent a lot of "alone" time with an ex. It's true that a lot of people cheat when they're in a relationship and it isn't usually an ex but, let's face it, you can never get away from that element of doubt, or can you ... ???
fnlyfrei Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I don't care for it either...and here's the kicker... WHen we first started dating seriously,my husband presented me with "I have been friends with so and so for years, we dated, were intimate, it didn't work out, BUT we are still friends, and she and I go out for dinners and hikes etc...yeah, and her boyfriend doesn't like me..." I was not happy with that arrangement. He also wanted me to meet her and take kyaking lessons from her...um, nah thanks. So I was made out to be the jealous jerk...(this was while dating) I still have jealousy problems....so after one particularly exasperating weekend I challenged him. I told him we would face my jealousy head on...and since he stated that HE did not have a jealous bone in his body...FINE ! He could meet up with his numerous ex chickies as friends...go ahead ! BUT...I got to meet up and go out with my ex boyfriends as well...fair eh? Guess what? He stopped talking...became sullenly silent..and the subject has never been brought up since. I guess it was cool when I was the jealous person...and focusing on him and some other woman..but when it was ME that had equal rights...I called him on it ! Note: Neither of us has to date, met up with an ex..(that I know of)
minniegirl Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 All I can say is that they are ex's for a reason. Ok, you communicate once in a blue moon with them, but to hang out with your ex, all buddy-buddy, I don't think it is appropriate behavior. The person still seeing their ex while in a relationship is putting themselves in a problematic position. You broke up for a reason, but you can still sustain a friendship? I don't get it? Each relationship is different and it may work in many as long as their is a clear understanding amongst everyone involved. Personally, it's not for me. Jealousy or not, it's not the right thing to do if you are with someone else. IMO.
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