Am I doing something wrong?

[senajon]

I have a question. I got married in June to the most wonderful woman. In the middle of June my wife called and asked me to get into her email to retrieve something for her. She gave me the username and password and I logged in, retrieved her email and gave her what she asked for. While I was in there I told her I am going to clean up your email (she had about 1800 junk emails). She said ok. I did this and in doing so I ran into emails (128 in all) from her and her ex boyfriend. They were very very sexual in nature and very explicit. Basically this just hurt my pride I think more than anything but I had such a hard time forgetting. I prayed very hard about it and me and my wife prayed together. The Lord finally released me from it. However for the last 4 months that we have been married I have been finding old letters, cards, pictures etc. in our bedroom from her different ex boyfriends/lovers. On each occasion I have told her that I do not like finding these things and have asked her to go through her stuff and please remove anything like that. This morning I found another letter. Now this is the 11th time in four months that I have found something and quite frankly I am tired of telling her. Before you ask I am not snooping. Our bedroom is quite open and we are still in boxes from where we moved so there is stuff laying all over the place. I am to the point to where I am not upset about finding stuff anymore. I am upset that I have asked her 10 times to get rid of the stuff and she won't. She tells me that she is not as detailed and that is why she hasn't removed anything. She says she tried one day to remove stuff but became too tired to continue (she is now 8 months pregnant which makes her tired). She works a schedule that gives her at least 4 days off per week. I am beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me? Am I being stupid or jealous or possessive maybe? Can someone give feedback. Thanks.

[amtjrtcet]

At the point in my life where I get married and move in w/my husband, I will definitely make sure that all old letters, emails, cards, pictures etc are gone.

 

But it does sound like she really just hasn't gotten around to throwing them out. And she's 8 months pregnant, so I can't imagine her wanting to spend time sorting through old stuff. I'm sure she's pretty exhausted.

[Dako]

If all this stuff predates your relationship, how does it affect you?

Ask her if you can toss the stuff that bothers you. If she agrees, then she must not be attached to it.

 

Since she's 8 months pregnant, soothing your insecurities might be a low priority. Give her a break!

[HappyAsALark]

Well, you are married. These are old letters. Yes, she should probably get rid of them, but I don't think you should be so upset over it.

 

And if you want them gone so badly, why don't you get rid of them. She is 8 months preggo like you said and she probably honestly doesn't feel like it. Go through the stuff with her permission and toss it out.

[ghost69]

well, i bought a new car. my new car isn't upset my old truck is in the driveway next to each other.

 

lol, this is nuts man. so you found old junk? ask her if she is going to get rid of it any time soon. i'm sure now that she is married she will toss it.

[fnlyfrei]

I am newly married and this is sort of bothering me too. Do I say something about the things he has saved from old girlfriends...or do I shuddup? What is the protocol...? I feel creepy asking him to chuck them, but I also hate thinking about cards he has from old girlfriends.

[doyathink]

There isn't anything wrong with you, this sort of thing bothers a lot of people.

I do think, out of respect for you ...that either she find the time and energy to trash them, or at least box them up and store them away. I know I have a few from the past that for some reason, I just can't throw away...but they are boxed and put away.

 

If you're tired of asking her to do this...offer to do it for her. Every time you come accross some, put them in a box for her??

[fnlyfrei]

well, i bought a new car. my new car isn't upset my old truck is in the driveway next to each other.

 

lol, this is nuts man. so you found old junk? ask her if she is going to get rid of it any time soon. i'm sure now that she is married she will toss it.

 

I am sure your car doesn't have any leftover feelings for the old truck. It's a machine.

[Clementine orange]

It would bother me too - not that she has them, but more that I would keep finding them (almost seems on purpose - or at least very insensitive)

I'm not sure I would feel I have the right to ask her to toss them (maybe others will differ) but for sure I have the right to ask that I don't keep running into them.

You'd think that she would be more careful and sensitive about these thing. It's just kind of, I don't know, distasteful. Everyone has a past (well most people do) but one doesn't need to be reminded of it.

[Beec]

I think you are jealous and that's fine.

 

But here's what I would do. Get into your bedroom, with her, and clean up. Take a day that you have off, set that as the one item on your agrenda, and get it done. And then grab her and tell heh you want them gone, because I cannot stand the idea of my woman being with anyone else. Tell her: "I'm a jealous man, I want you for me and me alone, and while I cannot erase history, I don't want to see it. I want to be able to sweep the idea of it under the rug and be able to ignore it."

 

As an aside, my mother recently came accross some things I got from an ex. I have not looked at most of them I think in over 15 years. But I'd like to one more time before they go out.

[senajon]

Thank you all for your responses. I have considered everyone's view here. You all make valid points. On one hand I need to not let it bother me but on the other hand I need to know that she is respectful towards my feelings as I am towards hers.

 

Thanks

[doyathink]

It would bother me too - not that she has them, but more that I would keep finding them (almost seems on purpose - or at least very insensitive)

I'm not sure I would feel I have the right to ask her to toss them (maybe others will differ) but for sure I have the right to ask that I don't keep running into them.

You'd think that she would be more careful and sensitive about these thing. It's just kind of, I don't know, distasteful. Everyone has a past (well most people do) but one doesn't need to be reminded of it.

 

I totally agree with you.

No one whats to come accross words of endearment from past lovers. We all know they exist...but having to see it, or hear about it, is another story. Some of us choose to believe our SO's didn't have a life b4 we came in...lol

[Keleigh]

I do not think your feelings are "wrong" at all. If she loves you and respects you and has healthy personal boundaries (is a fully Grown up mature woman) she'd see that this was something that was bothering you and she'd make it a top priority to listen and to trash her past. Or to at least box it up and put it away from you. This is NOT TOO MUCH TO ask. I feel she is not validating your feelings and is basically acting like a selfish brat. We need to feel loved, valued, cherished, adored and secure in our primary relationship. If we are not getting that and we go to our partner and discuss our feelings and needs and we Still are not getting the love and respect we so crave, then I think we need to seriously consider whether or not we are with the right person or not. Bottom line is what you are willing to settle for here. Stay strong my friend. God won't answer this problem. Only you and strong self-esteem and self-respect are going to get you the proper answers and outcome that you desire. And, you deserve a wonderful woman who is willing to validate your deep feelings. Life is way too short to settle for anything less than this.