Ex and I have been emailing for >20 days straight

[bar35]

Ok, so i "probably" should not have returned a brief email that my ex sent at the beginning of december, but i did. The email came the day after I posted a blog on myspace saying that i was dating someone new, but i had deleted the blog the day after i posted it, thinking "i don't want people to know my personal business anymore"

 

So have been emailing for over 20 days now, the emails have been lengthy, tinged with shared experiences and consistent. However there has been no further movement and it was getting irritating, distracting and without direction, so at a friends suggestion i sent this response.

 

 

"I have to say I have really been enjoying emailing with you, but I wonder where you want to go with this. Did you want to talk, or meet up? If so just let me know. I don't think I have ever corresponded this long with anyone via email, not even you.

 

Glad to hear things are going well. "

 

Is it too much of giving power over to her, or is it the gently drawn line in the sand that i intended it to be. What I am thinking is that if we are not going to get together and see what is going on then i am just going to cut contact with her again. I don't need to keep wondering, nor do i see how we could ever be friends. I just think that is insane.

[someguy88]

Wow! I'm in the exact same situation and just posted a thread about it yesterday.

 

I think the thing is that once you profess your feelings you're going to scare her away. I mean, the normal method of seduction is to get the other person to think they're seducing you.

 

I don't believe in drawing lines in the sand; usually you're not going to get the response that you want. If you want to hook up with her to do something you should definitely ask, but I wouldn't let her know your intentions up front. I know it's hard but it's probably better to just let things progress naturally.

 

If you do hook up as friends and you find yourself in a moment where you think she's into you, then you should definitely move in for a kiss. The thing is that you can't give her time to think about it. If she thinks, she'll doubt.

 

If you overwhelm her with discussions about "where are we going with this", you're going to force her to make a decision and possibly lose her. I mean, who falls in love by choice?

 

Use your actions to show your feelings for her as they really do speak louder than words.

[FreedomRing]

Hey Bar35!!! Long time no see buddy

 

As for your response..I think it was perfect. 20x is a heck of alot of the back and forth, and my guess is she was probably wondering the same thing...but perhaps wanted you to make the first move...after all..in the case of the dumpers...typically, while they may have had the "guts" to end the relationship on the fly...they rarely have the guts to come back and initate some form of reconciliation....or perhaps even she wasn't sure if you were just being polite and civil by continuing the email exchanges, but didn't want to suggest a meet up and risk getting egg on her face....the dumpers are definitely strange...

 

Keep us posted of her response....

 

Good luck Good for you for establishing some boundaries and instead of the awful limbo state...

[bar35]

Someguy,

Do you think that my response was too pushy? Is that what you are saying?

[bar35]

Thanks for the feedback Sabreen. Its true that I have been off the radar for a long long time. I have been wonderfully focused and my mind occupied with positive pursuits for quite a while now.

 

What you wrote is encouraging. I was thinking something similar, especially because she probably feels like such a jerk at some levels. I was also thinking that if we do meet up or something that i won't even bother bringing up the past. i think that it is best. I have been down that road before with people and it is better to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

If she does not want to get together that is fine too. If that is the case then I will just cut it off at this point. There is no need for me to just flutter around in the wind.

[someguy88]

I don't think your response was too pushy. I actually think it was pretty good. The only thing I wouldn't do is ask "I wonder where you want to go with this?"

 

Let it come more naturally. If you start defining things then it can put a lot of undue pressure and doubts on the minds of both of you.

 

Good luck btw

[just M.E.]

Always stay true to who you are, what you want ... changing that will always come back and bite you. When we alter our persona for a goal, we can't sustain that alteration and it eventually unravels.

 

I think the note is a good idea, finding out why it fills a need for her is a good idea also, you may approach the question that way, rather than where she is going with it. It can give you essentially the same answer in a more non threatening question.

[bar35]

i think that some of you are misunderstanding my post, I am not thinking about sending the note that i sent, i sent it. I am posting afterwards. There is no second guessing here. I took the direct route because i didn't have any other idea how to approach it. I softened it as much as possible by saying "do you want to talk or get together?" giving her a way to say "yes, i would like to talk" but she doesn't have to say that she wants to get back together.

[someguy88]

O, you already sent it. I wouldn't agonize over it then. What's done is done.

 

You seem like a genuine person, hopefully the woman sees this too.

 

Best of luck.

[bar35]

I just sent this email to a friend of mine and this is how I feel...

 

People have been posting things like "oh you might push her away, you might be too assertive here and if you wanted to get back together with her then you should continue to hold back."

 

At this point I think that is a bunch of BS and I have done all of that for a month now, on the heals of 8 months of NC.

 

So why would i want to waste more time doing that?

 

How does the philosophy of after a year of no correspondence, then 20 some odd days of email and not wanting to know what is up make any sense at all!

 

I am not interested in being weak, and being somebody's fall back plan. F that and F her if she thinks, at any level that is going to happen. She knows who i am, we dated for 1.5 years and had talked about getting married, quite seriously. We have an established relationship. that is what i have to say about this.

[Coyote9]

You were right to push the issue....she will not initiate anything on her own most likely, and you don't want to live in limbo and you obviously have develped some closure after 8 months and now might be back at square one if you aren't careful. As you know Bar, I did the back and forth me initiating thing for many months...and it of course brought her back, only to leave again and again. People are constantly fooling themselves here if they think a reconciliation will change the fundamental problems or personalities of the relationship (not you, but lots of others on ENA that go NC and hope it brings the person back). Once you don't care about her, then the outcome of this won't matter, and if she does come back at some point (it does happen), you'll be able to see this objectively.