lilredlibra2004 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Does anyone every have one of those days where all you think about is how much your life sucks? I've been doing that a lot today, which is a complete come-down from yesterday when I was monstrously excited and happy. Today is the complete opposite: I don't have as much money as I thought I did, which I'm sure will get me into trouble later, and most of the fuel for my fire today has been my thinking about me and my boyfriend's (Robert) problems........ He just drives me to the brink of insanity. I know he's got to get past what I did (for backstory: we are now dating for the third time - the first time I broke up with him it was because I just couldn't deal with his moodiness and jealousy and had a lot of crap going on in my head; while we were broken up for 7 months, I slept with two guys - granted, me and Robert weren't dating, but he was still sitting at home hoping for more and I knew it - the second time I dumped him was because he was arguing with me a lot about not being abstinent while we were apart and I never saw him getting past it - now he and I both think I didn't try as hard as I could have to deal with stuff the first two times, so we're giving it another go; whew!)....but I can't control how psycho he is in his own mind. I am very sorry for hurting him and wish I had never done it, but all I can do is apologize and give things with him a shot. That being said, I don't really think (I may be wrong - let me know) that what I did warrants him saying the things he does to me. We fought all last week, but things are very mellow now. Of course, that doesn't really console me, since I know it's coming again. It always does. We'll be fine and happy and he will (out of nowhere) think about things and get all moody. Like the other night: we were sitting outside, smoking our cigarettes, discussing astrology (I love it and teach him what I can about it, although he picks and chooses what he believes of it). He wondered aloud if his best friend was an air sign, since he can be somewhat indecisive at times. I didn't know offhand, so all I said was that everyone gets that way sometime or another. He said he knew that, but doesn't think people should be indecisive about important things, like who they want to date. Trying to keep him from spouting hypocrisy (like he tends to do), I said he really shouldn't judge unless he's been there. Then he turned it into a conversation about Allan (a best friend of mine whom I dated for 3 weeks before dating him for the second time; since Allan had treated me so well, I had a bit of a hard choice deciding to go back to Robert, who is.......meh....."an ," to put it lightly). I told him I wasn't talking about that, I was just talking about life in general, so I tried to make my point viable in other situations: I told him that if, let's say, he hasn't had to decide whether or not to pull the plug on a loved one in a coma, then he really shouldn't judge those who have had to make that decision. I was talking about decisions and judging in general, but it didn't matter, since he was on a Allan rampage. I kept trying to explain what I meant, but it fell on deaf ears; I was talking about Allan to him and that's all his saw, even though I wasn't. He said he turns things around, that's what he does. I told him that I am trying, but since I'm not used to reading into everything I say and usually take what the people in my life tell me at face-value and vice-versa, it was hard for me to word it in a way that he couldn't turn it around on me and over-analyze it. This is an impossible task; he turns everything around. If I say one thing, he argues it; if I were to say the complete opposite, he would still argue it. He said again that's who he is and what he does. So, apparently, I'm the one who has to compromise and rack my brain trying to word things just right and step on eggshells around him. He can't even try to not be psycho for one second and not read into everything I say about anything. So, fine, he can be a damn hypocrite for all I care. I won't say anything - which is kind of dumb for me to say, since if something pisses me off, I'm gonna speak up, I don't care. I do love him, it's just.......I hate his guts most of the time now. I know that's horrible to say, since I'm dating him, but...... Things are going alright now, but he'll do it again. And even if we get over the huge hurdle of him having to get over my sexual encounters while we were broken up, he will always be this way. I don't even see him forgiving me for that, let alone learning not to be so mean. I guess I hate him most of time because when we argue, he says low, below-the-belt things to me and never apologizes and takes them back. I try to bite my tongue, because I know the things you say (even/especially in anger) are things that are very hurtful that you can't take back. I am just looking forward to going away with Francine (my best friend) on our huge out-of-town shopping trip, because I won't have to see him this weekend or during next week - so that's two weeks without seeing him! I am overjoyed and that sounds horrible. Francine was uber surprised that Robert didn't try to invite himself or ask if he could come. I told her #1: It's a 3-day shopping trip with two girls; does she think that anyone besides Scott (our gay guy friend) would want to come with us? And #2: I would rather take my brother (whom I cannot smoke in front of) with us: I would rather not smoke one cigarette for three whole days than take Robert. Ugh...... I know I probably asked for this by wanting to date him a third time, but...... I just don't want him (and our mutual friends that go to school with him) to accuse me of not trying this time around. Which I know would happen if I broke up with him again. They wouldn't see my side or the things he puts me through or that I am trying. He is a total martyr and presents information to reflect his story, so it doesn't matter what I do at this point. I am really, really close to not giving a crap anymore and thinking the little bit of love I still have for him isn't worth it. It sucks; I can't stand being with him right now, but I can't imagine me without him. What's that line from that Weird Al song (lol)?: [paraphrasing here] "I'm almost as miserable without you, as when you were still here".......................
Thorns Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Woah, mega rant. I would say that the reason he doesn't apologize, is because that is how he feels. One shouldn't apologize for that. I would reread this whole thing latter and see how you're feeling then. Often times people (Because I'll get attacked if I say women or men) get too caught up in their emotions at the time of a rant or argument.
nuttybuddy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 i think u need to stop caring about what other people think and do what is right for u. eventually, no matter how robert presents the break up story to his friends, the fact is, it's a one sided story. if the friends were smart, they would recognize that the story is one sided and there's probably more to it than just his side of the story. and they will never know the whole story if they don't hear from u directly. besides, even after hearing from u directly, whatever opinions they have won't matter so much cuz in the end, they were never in your shoes. only u know and robert know the true deal of your relationship. i think it's TERRIBLE that he gives a lame excuse such as "that's who i am." if he's expecting u to change, he needs to compromise too and meet u half way. he needs to change to STOP overanalyzing everything. it's tiresome. tell him once and for all that u r tired of his overanalyzing and if he refuses to change, then u can't deal with it anymore cuz THAT'S WHO U R. touche! see how he likes THAT excuse.
Momene Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 It depends on how much of a "break" the break was. If you were still together but not seeing each other, then you were unfaithful. If you had actually split "permanently" and made it clear to him, then you didn't do anything wrong. My honest opinion is that if you have to work hard for the relationship to be successful, then you're not married and don't have children, so you'll both be better off taking your chances elsewhere. Good luck, you'll need it but in a year's time you'll know you made the right decision.
Gath Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 If you were broken up, he has no claim on you or your actions. And the fact he doesn't realize this is just another reason you should distance yourself from him. Why are you getting back with someone so obviously incompatible with you? Look out for yourself and find someone who will treat you better. You don't deserve to deal with that kind of BS.
valiantv Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Why should you be abstinent while you were broken up? I don't see what you have to apologise for on that point... Having said that I only read the first paragraph as I have to go off now...
lilredlibra2004 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Well, I know that people say things in arguments that are how they feel period, or how they feel at the time. I understand that. What bothers me about his arguing style is that he'll do low blows to get ahead. Example: he asked me to stop talking to guys - I asked (smartass; lol) if he meant my brother, too, since he's a guy and he said, "Congratulations, that's the first time I've heard your brother be referred to as a man." Another example is him saying Allan is a "little * * * * *," when I certainly don't think he is. Unless being able to get past our former relationship and just be my friend makes him that. He just does below-the-belt, childish hits to be hurtful because he wants to get ahead. Thanks for your thoughts.
lilredlibra2004 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 ^lmao! .... Lol. ^ what was that about?
lilredlibra2004 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Haha; I like that advice. Yes, I agree that it does seem very one-sided of him to expect me to cater to who he is, yet he won't do it for me. I only really care a little bit about what his friends think. It just infuriates me that his control reaches that far and they will show loyalty to him, no matter my side. That isn't the reason I'm staying with him. I guess I think that maybe if I try hard enough, it will work. And it is so frustrating that he doesn't see that I AM trying and that if I break up with him again, it will be me just not trying a third time to him. He doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong or anything that makes the situation worse. It's an indescribable feeling to be in a relationship with someone and they're doing so much wrong and they don't even see it; and also that they blame you for it's not working. Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond.
lilredlibra2004 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 It depends on how much of a "break" the break was. If you were still together but not seeing each other, then you were unfaithful. If you had actually split "permanently" and made it clear to him, then you didn't do anything wrong. My honest opinion is that if you have to work hard for the relationship to be successful, then you're not married and don't have children, so you'll both be better off taking your chances elsewhere. Good luck, you'll need it but in a year's time you'll know you made the right decision. No, we were completely broken up. I thought (at the time; lol) that I was done with him forever and made that clear to him then. We were (unsuccessfully) trying to be friends. Er, well, I was trying to be his friend, but he just wanted another chance with me and I am sorry for doing that while I knew he was feeling that way. He sees what I did as unforgivable, but stills says that someday he may be able to forgive, but not forget. I was fed up with arguing for 2 days in a row last week and the solution I could think of was going to see someone about this. So he agreed, and we're going to couple's counseling in the middle of this month. I'm hoping it will help him get over what I did while we weren't together and also give him more constructive (and less hurtful and childish) ways of arguing. Thanks for your thoughts and the wishes of luck. I just......I dunno. My post says it all. I give people too many chances usually and it seems to always bite me in the....well, you know. I just don't want to break things off and look back and think "Well, things might have gotten better if I had just waited a bit longer and tried a bit harder...." Thanks.
ImThatGirl Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 now he and I both think I didn't try as hard as I could have to deal with stuff the first two times, so we're giving it another go; whew!)....but I can't control how psycho he is in his own mind. I am really, really close to not giving a crap anymore and thinking the little bit of love I still have for him isn't worth it. It sucks; I can't stand being with him right now, but I can't imagine me without him. What's that line from that Weird Al song (lol)?: [paraphrasing here] "I'm almost as miserable without you, as when you were still here"....................... It almost seems by the bolded statement that you took complete responsibility for the previous break ups. If that is the case, he hasn't realized that his behavior is directly linked to why you choose to leave. How much have you communicated this issue to him? With such a very long rant, it makes me wonder if you just bottle it all up, take as much as you can, determine you can't stand him and leave. Also, your comparison of choosing between him and what's his name (Allan,) and it being like pulling the plug on a loved one...... Not exactly healthy nor does it offer him much security. If you two are going to make it work, there has to be much communication and also much security and trust.....
lilredlibra2004 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 It almost seems by the bolded statement that you took complete responsibility for the previous break ups. If that is the case, he hasn't realized that his behavior is directly linked to why you choose to leave. How much have you communicated this issue to him? With such a very long rant, it makes me wonder if you just bottle it all up, take as much as you can, determine you can't stand him and leave. Also, your comparison of choosing between him and what's his name (Allan,) and it being like pulling the plug on a loved one...... Not exactly healthy nor does it offer him much security. If you two are going to make it work, there has to be much communication and also much security and trust..... Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on the matter. No, I don't just bottle it all up - just haven't done a post in a while and wanted to give as many details as possible; plus backstory was needed. I have told him before that a lot of what he does and did contributed to me breaking up with him the last two times, but since HE's the one that has to get past stuff now, I guess that's on the back-burner, at least for in his mind. My mind isn't clouded with having to choose him or Allan. Allan and I are just friends and only see eachother as such now. I wasn't comparing choosing him over Allan to pulling the plug: I was just trying to express and illustrate to him that I was talking about life in general, that you should judge others (not just me) if you haven't been in their shoes and had to make that decision. I wasn't even talking about Allan during that conversation; Robert is the one that said you shouldn't be indecisive about choosing a love interest, which to him translated into me and Allan long ago. I was merely trying to keep him from being a judgmental hypocrite.
psport Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 If you're really that happy you don't have to see him for so long, that should be a sign that it's not right. He needs to know that low-blow communication methods are doing permanent damage, even if it's just out of anger. It reminds me of a book I read, totally can't remember title or author, but the man esentially took great pains to point out the woman's imperfections and foibles in order to make her feel lucky to be with him. It was because he felt like she was too good for him, but he presented it to her the other way around. not sure if I'm making any sense...
lilredlibra2004 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 If you're really that happy you don't have to see him for so long, that should be a sign that it's not right. He needs to know that low-blow communication methods are doing permanent damage, even if it's just out of anger. It reminds me of a book I read, totally can't remember title or author, but the man esentially took great pains to point out the woman's imperfections and foibles in order to make her feel lucky to be with him. It was because he felt like she was too good for him, but he presented it to her the other way around. not sure if I'm making any sense... Yeah, I know it's a great sign that I'm excited about not seeing him for that long (and I'm being sarcastic, here; haha). It's just that there is usually a pretty good chance that we're going to argue every time we see eachother lately, and I'd rather not see him at all than have that chance right now. I have told him that his arguing methods stay in my mind long after the argument, but all he says was that's who he is. So I guess I'm the one that has to compromise and deal with it; ugh. No, you're making sense. I'm sure he feels like he saved me from a future bad life of promiscuity (even though I'm not anymore), but I think he used to see me as too good for him. I'm not sure what book you're talking about (was it fiction or non?), but (if you watch anime; lol) there is a character in "Ranma 1/2" like that, named Kuno, who feels like women are privileged be with him. Thank you for your thoughts.
Momene Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 You don't have to be "faithful" to an ex you're friends with! You're in the clear and have nothing to be guilty about.
lilredlibra2004 Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 You don't have to be "faithful" to an ex you're friends with! You're in the clear and have nothing to be guilty about. I know I didn't have to be faithful because there was no one to be faithful to - I was single and we weren't together. I am only sorry I hurt him so much through the breakups (I'm not saying he hasn't and didn't hurt me, too), and I do actually regret doing it because it caused all this crap now and he is having such a hard time getting over it now. It wasn't worth doing. Thanks.
Momene Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I know I didn't have to be faithful because there was no one to be faithful to - I was single and we weren't together. I am only sorry I hurt him so much through the breakups (I'm not saying he hasn't and didn't hurt me, too), and I do actually regret doing it because it caused all this crap now and he is having such a hard time getting over it now. It wasn't worth doing. Thanks. I think you're being hard on yourself. You can't remain faithful to an ex just in case you get back together. Tell him that.
jessicake Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 ugh, how frustrating for you!! I'm in a similar situation where the guy i'm seeing has hurt me really hard in our past multiple times but that was years ago and now we get along really well but there are times when i still feel insecure because he has hurt me that much. But I vowed to never bring it up because you can not move forward by only looking at the past. i would suggest that you tell him that you want a future with him but can't do that if all he is stuck on is the past !
lilredlibra2004 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 ugh, how frustrating for you!! I'm in a similar situation where the guy i'm seeing has hurt me really hard in our past multiple times but that was years ago and now we get along really well but there are times when i still feel insecure because he has hurt me that much. But I vowed to never bring it up because you can not move forward by only looking at the past. i would suggest that you tell him that you want a future with him but can't do that if all he is stuck on is the past ! Thank you for being sympathetic and it's also good to hear from someone who's kind of been there. I hope things continue to go well for you and your guy. I've already told him, in as many different ways possible, that we can't move towards the future or even enjoy the present if he's still hung up on the past. He says he needs to get past things from the past before he can do that, and he thinks talking about it endlessly will fix it.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.