Mixed messages messing with head and heart!

[Blueshrl04]

I went out with my boss for about 2 months earlier in the summer. He was the one who pursued me, and was great to me in the beginning of the relationship. Things started to change about a month or so into the time we spent together, up until the point where he started to stress about getting promoted to a higher-level job. At that time, he was also having problems with his car - and he couldn't afford a new one just yet. He wanted to pay off his credit card bills so he could get a lower loan rate. So things started to get different, he stopped calling me everyday and wasn't asking me to do stuff with him as much. I would call him or remind him to call me or be the one to ask him to do something. He always did call me or take me out when I asked him to, but it still bothered me alot. Physical contact also was non-exsistent near the end because I didn't know what was going on, I was too afraid to say anything. I know he wasn't seeing anyone else and I know I am/was the only one. Finally we went out with a bunch of his friends to a club, and we were all dancing together in a group - minus him. He doesn't dance. Then the next day, he got angry and frustrated because he thought i was dancing with one of his friends. I WAS NOT dancing with this friend, and he never confronted me about it. He confronted the friend, but not me. So I decided to have a talk with him to tell him nothing was going on between the friend and I. We had the talk, and he then basically branched it off into he doesnt want a 'relationship' because he is 'turning 25', "is not happy with himself, and if hes not happy with himself- he cant make anyone happy" and he "doesnt want to hold me back". He is 25 without a degree, and is scared of finishing off school, because he believes he is bad in it. I want nothing more than to be there to support him through it.He also went on a rampage about how hes not a 'jealous person" and I am the closest girl that he had been to in three years. But in his eyes "you never really know a person."... all of these comments, i believe, stem from a past previous relationship. He was in love with this girl for two years and wanted to marry her, but then she left him for his best friend. But anyhow, I gracefully took it and let him out of continuing dating me.

Recently I have noticed him being happier, so I thought that I might try to start back up the relationship. I haven't come out and said anything to him, but I try to talk to him as much as possible. When we go out in a group, he completely stays by my side the whole night ... and is affectionate towards me. Like holding me, and putting his hand on my stomach. He NEVER dances, but I have gotten him to dance with me the last couple times. I asked him to go to the mall with me last sat ( the first time we had been out alone since the break-off), and he went. Then he told me we would have to do it again. My car hasnt been working, so I have asked him to give me a ride home from work a couple times - which he has done. I tried to ask him if he wanted to come up and he always says no though. Lately things have been great, I've felt comfortable with him... but then last night I dont know what happened. We went out, and I was sort of sitting in his lap, but he made me feel rejected in a way. He wasn't putting his around around me, he was kind of just sitting there. I know he didn't feel good and was in a bad mood and didn't want to be there, but if that was the reason he shouldn't have pushed it off on me. Cuz I wound up in a bad mood. But at the beginning of the night, he was rejecting my advances at him ( i was trying to do little stuff - like place my hand on top of his and curl my fingers over him), he wouldn't outright reject it - but after a minute or two he would remove his hand. A couple of guys came up to me and started to dance on me, even though i was sorta sitting on my guy's lap. After about the second guy did that, my guy said "what is it with you and all these guys coming up to you??" and I turned to him and said, " Its not as if I am encouraging them" and he was like "yea, but come on, I'm RIGHT behind you." and I said " I'm NOT with them, I'm sitting here with you." and then later on I tried to get one of my guy friends to get me a soda to drink ( which was free because it was on a tab) and he had gotten me one before because he told me to stay away from the bar. Well, when I tried to get my friend ... my guy was like " What did you need Him for?" and I explained the situation about how my friend told me not to go by the bar and to get someone else to get drinks for me. My guy said "So why did you need him?" and I was like "because he got it for me the first time and told me to stay away from the bar." and he said " so just get your own drinks and don't let him see you."... then later on he started to get more like himself towards me when these random guys started to touch my butt, which annoyed me, and I started saying," if one more guy touches my butt, I am going to go awall on them." So he knew that I wasn't trying to attract anyone else. On the ride home, I sat on his lap and he laced his fingers through mine. I wanted to go home after that, so I asked him for a ride - which he gave me attitude about and so I was like "no, fine I will just get a ride from someone else!!!". He wound up giving me a ride home, and I said " I'm sorry, I'm crabby- tired - and *the female equalent to a dog*" and he was like " yes, I'm the female equvalent to a dog too." ... so was this just because he was in a bad mood? I seriously felt rejected the entire night for the most part. I even asked him if I was annoying him, which he said no too.Do I talk to him about getting into a relationship? Do I tell him how I feel? OR should I just walk away? I really dont want to walk away to tell you the truth, I care alot about him... but should I confront him? Unfortunatley, he IS my boss, so I do have to see him every day. I'm confused, he sends me signals that he cares about me and then he doesn't do anything about it. I also think he thinks I am seeing other guys and I have other guys talking to me, which I don't. I dont know what to do.

[Mar]

You SO need to talk to him!! Good god, woman........how many more mixed signals do you need? lol

 

It seems clear that he still has feelings for you, and wants to look out for you, and is jealous if you talk to someone else. But the other question is: why did you two break up in the first place? It sounds as if you two have a solid base to work off of, but you need to work at it more. By "you", I mean BOTH of you. I think, from what you've posted, that you both still have feelings for the other. Why not just honestly talk to him about it and ask him what he's feeling? This will most likely seem sort of confrontational to him, but not as bad as it would be if you were actually WITH someone. And from the sound of it, you're still as interested as he is. It seems like a shame to throw that away. Granted, he might be scared away by such a blunt talk, but I'm thinking that, if he has any maturity at all, he'll discuss it calmly and rationally, and tell you what he's feeling, as long as you show him the same courtesy and respect.

 

You're not going to get anywhere by asking the "why's." You have to TALK TO HIM. And yes, it'll be hard, and possibly painful, but it'll also be a catharsis of a kind. At least you two can finally air the unresolved feelings, and see where you both want to take this from here. TALK TO HIM. That's the best I can tell you.

 

Mar

[Blueshrl04]

He broke it off with me because he was "not happy with where he was in life". was turing 25 ( like I said in the post before, he does not have his degree yet and is afraid to go back to school - which he eventually has to because the job we have is through the college and in order to work there, he has to be taking classes. He HAS to take classes Spring semester, or he doesnt have a job anymore.), and didn't want a relationship. He did tell me he liked me, and it had nothing to do with me. Which I know it doesn't. He also told me he wasnt going to see anyone else, or date anyone else at all - which he hasn't.He said that relationships 'were fun', but he didn't want one and he didn't want to 'hold me back'. But I figured that maybe he just needed some time to get his life together.

 

I guess you could say I am afraid of talking to him, because of how he treated me that one night. I felt really rejected and as if I was annoying him because I was trying to hold his hand and stuff. I don't want him thinking " she was all over me all night", even though I wasn't. It wasnt as if he pushed me away, but he definitely would hold my hand for a minute or two and then move it away. Like I said before, I dont know if it was just because he was in a bad mood and didn't want to be there. Near the end of the night, he was being more like himself and accepting me.

 

But thanks for you advice, I really apprecuate it I am going to talk to him, I just don't know what I am going to say! The only time I get to talk to him alone is when we are both at work and when we talk in his office alone. I didnt want to talk to him at work, but I really see no other way. I would really feel extremely uncomfortable if I were to ask him to "talk". I'd rather just come out of the blue and shock him.