arevir711 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 We have been together since December 2004, and friends for about 3 months prior. She was 26 and I was 19. She has been through a 5 year abusive relationship with her exhusband who was on antipsychotics and antidepressants. He was both physically and mentally abusive. She has two children, 1 boy (7) and one girl (9). When I met my girl she was divorced for a little more then a year or more. When we met we started out as friends and realized we compliment each other's strong points and weaknesses. We fell in love very naturally. I am cancer and she is scorpio. Connected almost instantly, but it grew into something more serious. She knows we are perfect for each other. Our sex and love life are great. We moved into an apartment together, became a father figure for her kids, who i love as my own, and started our perfect life. It will soon be 3 years together in Dec. and she has been feeling like she needs space. Space as in, wants to live separatly again, but not change anything about our relationship. Now this isnt my first relationship, and i have partied very hard in high school and i was ready to settle down. But she tells me, "I am unsure about a forever because i am divorced. And I feel living separatly would give me the independence and reassurance I need about our love." When she first told me about this (Sat. Sept. 29th) I was very hurt, started crying, because I thought she was breaking up with me. But now after we have had some time to talk about it I understand more. And because I love her I want to do what she wants. I want to know if it is normal for this to hurt so bad, even though I know we arent separating. I am at work and will suddenly want to break down and cry. I also feel like I dont want to be emotional, because I dont want to make her feel uncomfortable, but she has seen me cry, i just dont want her to think i am being negative about this whole situation. She has become apart of me for so long and me to her. She has made me into a man, shown eachother what true love and a loving family feels like. Any comment or advice is greatly appreciated. If you need more info, just let me know. Sincerely, Daniel
Maverick44 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Daniel- No disrespect intended but please begin to prepare yourself. It appears that this is headed towards a path of breakup. I'd just say begin guarding your heart a bit. Also, when you move out, you may want to implement Light Contact or No Contact. It just doesn't quite make sense to me. BTW, yes, it does hurt like this when someone breaks up with you or as it appears in your situation. Best of luck, Maverick
flower99 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 she has been feeling like she needs space. Space as in, wants to live separatly again, but not change anything about our relationship. Okay honestly this does not make sense. How do you move out but nothing changes? Everything changes. Unless you going to continue to sleep there everyday? you won't be waking up next to eachother, the kids won't see you in the morning, you have two separate homes...ect.You can't just back up that many steps without it seriously effecting your feelings towards her & effecting her children In a healthy relationship you move forward, not backwards. Honestly either she isnt' very smart & rational OR she is slowly working towards a breakup. You two need to seriously talk. If space is all she wants there are ways of doing that without you moving out. But if she doens't see a future in the relationship, than you are wasting your time & emotions.
arevir711 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 Okay honestly this does not make sense. How do you move out but nothing changes? Everything changes. Unless you going to continue to sleep there everyday? you won't be waking up next to eachother, the kids won't see you in the morning, you have two separate homes...ect.You can't just back up that many steps without it seriously effecting your feelings towards her & effecting her children In a healthy relationship you move forward, not backwards. Honestly either she isnt' very smart & rational OR she is slowly working towards a breakup. You two need to seriously talk. If space is all she wants there are ways of doing that without you moving out. But if she doens't see a future in the relationship, than you are wasting your time & emotions. You are right. She isnt very smart or rational, seriously. But she swears to me that I need to trust her. And she swears nothing will change. Its hard to believe i know, but I am holding onto hope. Currently I am still living with her, but in the process of either moving back to my moms or on my own. I had a feeling this is a slow breakup, but she is NOT a liar. Thoughts?
Daligal83 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I honestly think it's a move toward a breakup as well. It sounds like the idea of an actual breakup is too tough for either one of you to handle, so this is an easier way to start the process. If she really wasn't sure of being together forever because of her divorce, then she wouldn't have moved in with you and had to be a father figure to her children.
arevir711 Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Ok, so I just got home from school. Made plans to go to the gym with my uncle and my cousin. They heard about what is going on from my mother, whom i've notified i might be coming back. They understand everything I have been through and think i should just let her realize her mistake. These past few days have been the hardest in my life! Having to work, go to school and talk to people all day knowing I'm NOT alright and would rather be somewhere dark, listening to depressing music, crying my eyes out. Im done crying! I feel distanted from her after this whole thing, because i feel more guarded... I told her i was going to move back to my mom's this friday. Sooner that she had thought (about a month) She acted shocked and said, "its too sudden" I dont get her. And while i was on my way out the door to the gym, i wasnt giving her too much attention, and she was up my ass. Trying to give me a new shirt, kiss me, tell me she loves me. I know she is turning 30 this November. Is it possible this can be like a mid life crisis? Just wanted to update anyone who has been reading. And hope i can have more insight and support for having to go through this.
Daligal83 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 If she's going to go back and forth like this, I think you need to sit her down and explain that you're going to go to your mother's until she can decide what she really wants. Tell her it's not fair to pull you in both directions and it's not something you'll put up with. My first guess is that, like I said, this is heading toward a break up but she doesn't want to lose you entirely. I think the idea of that scares her, so she's trying to get the space she wants while keeping you attached at the same time.
confusedtroubled77 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I can say that going through a divorce where kids are involved is hard and as a woman myself, divorced with three small girls, I often question if what I am doing is right. HOWEVER... it sounds like this woman doesn't know what she wants. Or more to the point she wants her cake and eat it to. I mean she wants space then is shocked that you are now giving her what she wants because it is too soon! Get a grip, she can't torture you like this. You need to move out, as much as it hurts. Go ahead and go back home and continue to see her. Maybe once you are gone she will see what she has lost and realize that she made a big mistake! Then you have to decide if you want to go back or not. She is confused and torn and is trying to find out what way to go. Turning 30 wasn't a big deal for me, I just turned 30 myself, but I am not obsessed with age. I just think coming from an abusive relationship, having small children, she is going to have issues that she has to work through herself and it is going to be hard for her. But that doesn't mean that she can yank your chain and jerk you around. Be understanding to a point but make sure she understands that she can't play with your emotions either because that isn't fair to you.
arevir711 Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 You make a lot of sense. She has told me this morning that she believes in us and feels sometimes you have to take one step back and take two steps forward. She says she does think me moving back this weekend is sudden, but she says if it makes me feel better then to do it. I am going to give her what she wants. Right now I am just planning for the worst, but hoping for the best. Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this post. Your comments have been insightfull and truthfull. I will keep everyone updated as things change.
Maverick44 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 arevir- I think that is exactly right. Expect the worst and hope for the best. Also, I'd say keep the contact light. My thing has always been that if someone doesn't want me in their life, I can't force them to want me in their life. I tend to always leave the door open for an individual to walk out of the relationship. Best of luck, Maverick
flower99 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 You make a lot of sense. She has told me this morning that she believes in us and feels sometimes you have to take one step back and take two steps forward. She says she does think me moving back this weekend is sudden, but she says if it makes me feel better then to do it. I am going to give her what she wants. Right now I am just planning for the worst, but hoping for the best. Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this post. Your comments have been insightfull and truthfull. I will keep everyone updated as things change. Good for you arevir, I think that is wise. Plan for the worst hope for the best. I also think you moving out right away is smart.... give her what she wants & I'm sure she will realize what a mistake it is. Like the saying goes, you don't know what you got till it's gone. I wish you luck & happiness...you're a smart man. Keep us posted.
MargaretK Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 This is slightly off topic but I wanted to let you know that you have kind of given me hope for a future with my age gap relationship. I know your going through a hard time but 3 years in a loving relationship with someone is nothing to balk at. its a good thing I am 25 and in a relationship with a 19 year old man. He sounds a lot like you (I have a child also) I worried that he, being so young, would kind of regret the "I want to be a father figure to your son" (thats what he says), "I want us to have a long future together", thing. You have given me hope because I think about these things everyday. In regard to you OP (sorry for going on about my situation) I think she honestly just needs space. This may not be a break up thing I think people are being too harsh. Maybe she thinks its what you need too. Having two kids and a relationship with someone so much younger is hard. We have so many doubts about where it will go and if its right to be with someone so young. We have our kids to consider and honestly we consider you too. Maybe hitting 30 is taking its toll on her but she won't admit it. I don't think about age much in that regard but I know my sister had issues when she turned 30 recently... I don't know I am babbling now. I guess the best thing you can do is tell her what you tell us here. Find out what she means by "needing space" ask her "what do you think is wrong with what we have now and what do you think having space will achieve?" if she can't answer that then you need to move on. Give her space and just wait and see what happens. I have hope for you two. Try not to think too negatively and focus on enjoying the time you do spend with her and her kids. Good luck.
arevir711 Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I am glad this post was able to help you out! Having more time to talk to her, I am able to understand her alot better now. She tells me that understanding her means a lot and really shows her that i love her. And i honestly do. Thinking back over the years she has always asked me if I was going to get tired of being with someone like her. Even though I always told her she was the one for me, a part of me knows she was confused. Today is Thursday Oct. 4th. Last night we made love, she told me she needs me in here life and it made me feel a lot better. This friday afternoon I will be moving my stuff out, but she wants me to sleep over Sunday night. She says we need to take this slow because she will miss my smell. So we traded sweaters with each other's scents on it. I will keep you all posted. Thank you for giving me something bright to look forward too! Good luck in your relationship.
flower99 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 traded sweaters....that's cute!!! It sounds like things are going well...I'm happy for you (: communication & understanding is important & I'm glad to see that she has already made a sleep over date. That's awesome!!
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