My ex can read my mind...

[pilot]

Hi Everyone--

 

I just wanted to give an update. It has been over 6 months and I cant stop thinking about the man I love. I am trying...trust me. I don't want to think about him anymore. Although, I know I always will.

 

I went to my best friends wedding this weekend and could not stop thinking about my ex. I wanted him to be with me the entire weekend. A few friends even said its too bad xxxxx isnt here. God that made me mad. I know it is unhealthy to continue thinking about him. I really am starting to worry about this turning into an obsession.

 

Anyway, I thought this morning about breaking NC and just calling to see how he was doing. I thought to myself it has been over six months..that is plenty of time. He wont mind.

 

I have been workng online today I noticed that my ex was online as well. I have not emailed or instant messaged him in a few months. I am really trying to use NC to heal myself...and that is working. I am starting to get me back, but I am also continuing to discover that I made many many mistakes in my relationship. I totally lost me and can't believe who I became.

 

As many of you know I am contemplating contacting my ex and apologizing for my mistakes. I just think it wont be well received right now. I dont even think he would let me apologize. I dont know.. I am just so confused.

 

And now since thinking about contacting this morning...my ex has blocked me on instant messenger. I didn't make any contact...I just have been thinking about him nonstop for the last four days. Maybe he can read my mind and knew that I was going to contact him...

 

So to all the wonderful friends on ENA...what does this mean? Is he still healing? Why with no contact from me why would he just randomly block me six months after the breakup. I know there is nothing that I can do. I just think that communicating with each other might solve some of this stuff. He probably blocked me because he knows I still have feelings for him. I haven't told him that since a few days after the breakup. He obviously doesn't want to see me online.

 

His actions are speaking very loud to me...he wants nothing to do with me. I however still believe at some point down the road I need to let him know I ma sorry for who he had to see me turn into. I believe he is making many assumptions about me that just are not true...but I know actions speak lounder than words.

 

Sorry this is long...back to NC(I didn't break it)

 

Any advice would be great. I guess I am really just venting.

 

Take care everyone!!!

[brokedownpalace]

why do you feel that HE NEEDS to know ? Or that you NEED to let him know about how things ended ? For closure.

 

I mean this in the most supportive way, so dont fly off the handle just yet.. just hear me out.

 

Your need to let him know is a sign of being selfish. He obviously has cut ties to you, so any action on your part will only widen the rift the two of you already have and best case scenario (based on his actions) he would just view as pathetic, which would only justify the breakup.

 

I dont mean it to sound mean or harsh, but i was you. I have been you. I know the place your coming from. Different relationship but we have shared the same pain.

 

When you have the NEED to let someone know something, its coming out of the fact that you feel guilty about something ( I am assuming you are feeling bad about the person you became at the end of the relationship) He doesnt NEED to forgive you.. forgiveness comes from within. So you must learn to forgive YOURSELF for whatever it is you felt you did wrong for YOUR part of the relationship.

 

For now.. my advice would be to work on forgiving yourself. Work on not being so needy and any other emotion you feel.

 

Life will deliver all you deserve when your lessons have been learned. Its the way of the world. So take this as a learning experience. Will it lead you back to him ? who knows.. but its not going to hurt.

 

Kudos for keeping the NC up. if it was a year ago, and I was in that situation i would have broken it. So you are stronger than I was at this point

[LFG]

Pilot -

 

In a way I'm glad for you that your ex blocked you, otherwise you'd have given in and broken NC.

 

Your reasons to want to contact him further reinforce the fact that you should not contact him. Whatever was done in the past cannot be changed and you have no control over what he thinks or feels about you. Apologizing, explaining, revisiting will not change the fact that it is over. If one day your ex wants you back, he will contact you and make his intentions very clear.

 

I suggest deleting him from your IM program. He has blocked you anyways, so it doesn't matter if you know whether he is online or not. Better to eliminate him from your system, even if it is symbolically.

 

The other thing you have to realize is that you are not over him yet. thereforeeee, you cannot be his friend now and maybe you will never be able to in the future. Unless you can look at him and feel absolutely nothing romantic, friendship will only tear you up inside. I find the two articles below by Susan Elliott from Getting Past Your Past excellent and I think they will bring you some peace:

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

LFG

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If the relationship broke up because of your actions or the way you were behaving towards him then I would have to disagree with the people who say that you should wait until he contacts you. If someone hurts someone badly in a relationship and the other person dumps them because of it, then the onus is on the person who created the problems to make amends. The person who created the problems has to be the one to initiate a phone call or IM or email. The thing is, the contact would have to be about honest to goodness apologies and amends, and taking the lumps if he is not quite at the forgiving stage. If he did block you from IM after seeing you online, then clearly he is not yet ready to hear from you, so I would hold off for now.

[brokedownpalace]

getting past your past is an excellent site.. you really should read it.

[love4life]

I have to agree with crazyaboutdogs on this one. If you actually have something of substance to say, and you can tell him where you believe you went wrong then I think it's okay to break no contact ONLY if you are not hoping that he will say "Okay, I forgive you, let's get back together." There's NO guarantee that will happen. This would be for your own conscience, to get out what you need to say.

 

I will say that, post-break-up, I did something along these lines, but I went to his place in the heat of the moment. I said what I had to say, but then things got a little messy, so I wish I hadn't done it on a whim - it definitely wasn't the perfect Hollywood movie delivery I'd pictured in my mind. Still, they were things I needed to say to clear my conscience - it was my last ditch effort. The outcome was he was seeing someone else, which hurt like hell, but it was the impetus I needed to finally accept things. Since then I've been going through the rounds of anger, sadness, pity for him and indifference, so I know I'm on my way to being completely healed. And now, the ball is in his court. I've done all I can.

 

I would also take his blocking you as a sign that he's still affected by you. I deleted my ex from my myspace once I found out about this new girl. I was too upset to have any reminder of him around. So...I wouldn't take that blocking as a bad sign. At least you know you're still on his mind...

[brokedownpalace]

what can they say that im sure hasnt already been said ?

 

I remember when i got dumped i called a gabillion times everytime i found something new to apologize for...

 

i suppose if its something of substance say something - BUT if they are purposefully blocked on IM that action would indicate that the ex doesnt want to talk. so why force a conversation when a conversation is not warranted ?

 

if anything it pushes them away further...

 

my 2 cents anyway

[pilot]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

So I am starting to really begin to trust my gut. Things happen for a reason!! As I said in an earlier post, I had been thinking about him all weekend. And then this blocking thing happened. Since then I have been unblocked.

 

Well yesterday I was at my old place of enployment and HE was THERE!!!! His car was in the parking lot. He stopped by to say hi to some friends. He came in from out of town.

 

The emotions were too strong and I knew I shouldn't see him so I waited outside. I didn't want to break NC.

 

My friend said he asked about me and was wondering what I was doing?????? What?? Why?? I thought he didn't want me in his life.

 

As I walked out back to my car he came around the other corner in his car and drove off. I assume he saw me, but he just looked down at his cell phone and drove off.

 

I've talked to my friend and she suggested a letter to let him know what I have realized these last few months...she said make sure it is very humble. I know this is breaking NC but at some point I feel I should contact him and let him know I am sorry.

 

Thanks for everyones help.

[LFG]

Pilot -

 

Apologize for what and to accomplish what?! Your apologies won't change anything. Write in a journal your apologies or whatever you need to get these feelings off your chest, but DON'T send him anything. Sit on your hands if necessary. Put the journal aside and read it again in a month. You will feel different and be glad that you haven't send him anything.

 

You both made mistakes in the relationship. It's not all your fault. Is he apologizing for anything? I guess not, because he is already in a different world. Sorry for being so blunt, but don't spend your energy on him. You don't need his stamp of forgiveness to feel better about yourself. This is giving too much power to someone who is not invested in receiving your love.

 

LFG

[pilot]

LFG---

 

What is wrong with saying I am sorry? I dont understand all of this cutoff that everyone preaches on this board. This is the lowest form of conflict resolution. Nothing gets accomplished if people cut each other off.

 

I know there is nothing I can do that will change his mind about me.

 

However, if my ex felt that he was nothing more than a pawn in my life and that I didn't love him, why can't I let him know that I see now how my actions or lack of actions made him feel that way?

 

So what the majority of people on say on this board is just forget about it, never talk to the ex again unless they contact you. This makes no sense.

 

Why would someone contact you if they feel they were basically used in the relationship? Why cant I make an attempt to open communication? Why does it have to be the dumper? He dumped me because I did things to make him upset. Did he do things sure...but I see now who I turned into and who I became. I am not aplologizing to get him back, but because I truly am sorry.

 

I dont want to come accross as argumentative, I just don't understand why I can't make the first move. I feel like I am in a standoff.

 

Take care

[arwen]

Hey Pilot,

 

I think that unless HE has indicated that there were specific behaviors on your part that caused the split, it is better for you and him to not be in touch. I see your point about conflict resolution, but I don't see the conflict here; he broke up with you half a year ago and may be moving on at this point. There is no conflict because there is no relationship (not in any sense).

 

In my opinion, he blocked you because he didn't want to speak to you (this maybe uncomfortable after such a long time, right?), why would he block you to protect you against yourself? I think that every time a relationship ends, two persons can learn valuable things. Not directly most of the time, because the pain will blur the perspective for some time first, and healing is required for the wound. But after that you can reflect some more, which is what you are doing- excellent

 

You have come to the conclusion, maybe rightfully so, but I haven't witnessed your relationship of course- that the break up is for 99% your fault. What are the things that you would do differently in a relationship (with him or someone else)?

 

Hope this helps,

 

Arwen

[pilot]

Hi Arwen--

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

He has stated the behaviors. I just didn't see them at the time. I guess with the reflection I have done over the last few months and everything I have realized I now totally see what he felt.

 

I would have felt the same way. This is why I want to apologize. I now totally agree with him...

 

I understand your point and I know he is moving on. I am trying, but each day I learn more and more about the dynamic of our relationship and what I could have done differently...not the what ifs but really I can't believe who I turned into.

 

 

My next relationship will be so much better.

 

If I know the specifics then I think I should take responsibility for pushing the man away.

[arwen]

Would it help you to write him a letter- for yourself an attempt to gain closure and for him (if you eventually do decide to send it) a way to see that you did see his point? You choose to remain a bit vague here on what has been going on that led to the break up, I assume this is consciously so. The reason I asked is that often, there is a spectrum of reasons involved, a spectrum that is part of the interaction between the partner and not the behavior of one of them.

 

I think that if you are sure about what you would want him to know, you should write him a letter. But not while expecting an answer, reconciliation or anything. The letter would for him be to be respected in his choice and for you to tell him why you now see what he meant and find closure and start looking forward. Of course the next time will be better now that you see. It will be different anyway if it is another person- no relationship is the same, I have seen as many 'versions' of me as a partner as I had relationships- still what I learned in every relationship has also helped me pick better partners

 

Arwen