Should I tell him he hurt me? (stupid question, but depth involved)

[Anotherday]

I've gotten quite good at killing relationships within a relatively short amount of time. This last one was a week (I know, not even a "relationship" but I knew him previously). At any rate, I am sick of men and the way they just do their thing and leave. Of course, I do my thing to make them go away as well.

 

However, what sparks my question has to do with a guy that I met in 2005. He was very charming. We went out and then I ran into him on Christmas Eve. I didn't want to be alone that night and he came over, blah blah blah. Christmas Day and New Year's Day he hurt me incredibly and there's no point in elaborating.

 

For over a year he'd say hi to me and I'd pretty much say nothing back. We did resume contact but he did something else and then I cut him off again. I saw him in May and he was nice and wanted to talk to me and I said I had to go. He asked if I was sure and I said yes. Little did I realize he was dealing with cancer at the time.

 

Well, I got a call on Wed. night that he wouldn't last through the night. I called the hospital Wed, Thurs, Friday and then wondered if I'd go see him. Then when I finally decided to talk to him yesterday, he was gone. All of my resentment just went out the window when I learned he was dying within 2 to 7 days. I carried that resentment around for a year and a half and for what.

 

So...I now want to tell the new guy what I think and feel. I don't care what "the rules" are about dating, etc. I feel life is short and I don't want to feel as I do right now about either situation.

 

Thoughts?

 

Thanks.

[ivoryangel3036]

no one can make this decision for you you need to follow your heart on this

[Anotherday]

no one can make this decision for you you need to follow your heart on this

 

Thanks. Maybe what I want to hear from all of you are your feelings on the subject of holding hurts inside, when life is really short. They always say to forgive, to tell the people you love that you do, but they never really address how to handle the hurts that make someone feel so vulnerable inside, the ones that want to make us hide. I wish I were the type of person who could just say what she felt, and not worry about what people would think, or what would make me appear weak, or vulnerable, or stupid.

 

It seems all too often that when a relationship goes south, the person being dumped or victimized or put out to pasture just goes within, as if it were something wrong with the person who was dumped, etc. It's almost like a shame takes over...or maybe it's just me who feels this way.

[Jess...]

If you think it'll make you feel better, go ahead. I don't know your situation, but could he possibly already know he hurt you? If so - there would be no need to tell him.

 

For example - when my ex left, it hurt me to the point I though I was going to die without him (ok, so we've all had these thoughts). But there would be no point in me saying to him 'you hurt me" because he alreadys knows. He left, and he knew he was going to do it, he knew it was going to hurt. Maybe this guy knows already.

[EricAK]

From what you have said (very briefly, so I am sure there is much more to it) I get the impression you have a lot of men in your history. And it sounds like you have some things inside you that you are dealing with or influence your behavior.

 

I would say work on those first, then worry about trying to figure out how to "live like there is no tomorrow."

 

Just my two cents, and that is about all it is worth.

 

Eric

[ftheunion]

Sure, just do it.